She is drifting away, how can I save it? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

Why ask those questions? That is for her to figure out.

Stop being her knight in shining armor. Google the term. She will address things when she is ready, which is no longer your concern because she is now officially an ex.

Also, this is your reading assignment:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/article...ces-of-victim/

It will all make sense after reading the link.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

This explains a lot. Thanks.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

I wish I had time to translate what she said in a way you could understand it. But the gust of it is this: She doesn't love you and has been hoping you'd break things off so she didn't have to be the bad guy.

You are very foolish if you don't KNOW that you can do better than this person. She has all kinds of problems.

I will say this in my most confident tone: The pain you feel now is horrible, but it's a freaking drop in the bucket compared to how you would have felt had you married her, had kids with her, built a life with her---- and she cheated on you and left you. I truly believe this is how your life would have turned out had you married her.

She is no longer your concern. Please don't help her any more in life. She will be back for help in some way. Tell her no. Just no. Nothing else. Move on. Date other women. It will help you get your mind off her.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.
You truly did dodge a bullet. And I believe that bullet was a 50 caliber hollow point.

Now find yourself one that values YOU. Don't ever worry about her or incest thoughts in what she is doing. Use some thought stopping techniques.
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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

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Originally Posted by lars265 View Post
I talked to her last night and I broke it off. She opened up to me and basically told me she thinks I deserve someone who can really love me.

This has been an eye-opening experience for me. Essentially my first break-up, at age 30, hah. I'm curious what the best thing is for a girl in her situation. She is not happy with herself, not proud that she was drawn to other guys, that she has low self-esteem and self-confidence, and that she can't love me the way I love her. I don't believe she is a "bad' person at all, but just lost. What is the best way for girls like this to get themselves back on track? I am hoping to give her some ideas when she moves out. I truly want her to be happy, even if it is not with me.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Time to grow some balls.
Yes 100%. You DO deserve someone who really loves you. She knows it isn't her. You sound like a caring man and I am old enough to be your Mother but take it from me; it is not your job or place to help her figure out how to have a successful relationship. I know you only want to help her and that is normal to feel like that because you've been together for awhile. The very best thing you can do is cut things completely clean with her and focus only on you and how to help yourself in the future have a good relationship. It isn't all your fault as you two discussed. Sometimes things just don't work out and this is one of those times. She made some choices to explore other men and now she can do that freely. Take a big breath and let her go now. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you will be OK! Take care of yourself now.
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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

Took a while I know, but I get it now. I'll move on. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and concerns. I really do appreciate it.
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

I know how bad it hurts.
I know how you probably look at your phone constantly for messages from her.
Start dating. She is.
There will be naysayers who say you need time to heal. Being around others who can bring happiness to your life will speed that up. You don't have to fall in love and have a rebound.
But the old saying"the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"--- isn't all wrong.

But you can sit and pine for her a while if it makes you feel better.
Definitely do grieve your loss. Then go get happy again.
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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

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Originally Posted by lars265 View Post
Seems she was also drawn to the validation from these other guys when I don't provide, which gets her into these messy situations. She isn't the type of girl to sleep around, but emotional infidelity is still a problem. I laid out my terms if we were to continue, but she said she thinks she should learn to be alone. She is looking at apartments today and will move out asap. I would leave but the unit is owned by me. It hurts to see her in pain and not be able to help, but this is probably for the best. I'm moving on and working on myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lars265 View Post
She is not happy with herself, not proud that she was drawn to other guys, that she has low self-esteem and self-confidence, and that she can't love me the way I love her. I don't believe she is a "bad' person at all, but just lost.
Everything that she has said to you, where she shifts blame to you for not being perfect, is exactly what almost every cheater says when they are trying to rationalize that they cheated. You got her as close to admitting that she was cheating and leaving you to further pursue relationships with these other men as could be expected from a cheater. As for her not being a bad person, tell us if you still feel that way about her when you start to fully understand the full extent of her relationship with these other men while she was suppose to be in an exclusive relationship with you.
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