She is drifting away, how can I save it? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Smile She is drifting away, how can I save it?

Hello,

In a lot of pain and confusion right now. Open to any thoughts and suggestions.

My fiancee and I are both currently 30. We started dating 6 years ago, got engaged 3 years ago. She is my first love, and to her I am her first serious relationship.

A month ago she told me she was unhappy in the relationship and doesn't know why because I'm just a "great guy". Logically, she thinks she should be with me because I take care of her, but emotionally she says she wants someone feels intimate with. She says it is a lot of work and she doesn't know if she wants to try again. She said she wanted a man who she wants to kiss, who takes charge. We had been through something similar 2 years ago. At the time she didn't feel I was supporting her goals, and since then I've bent head over heels to support her as best as I can, which she has been grateful for. However, that caused me to be her butler and I forgot the court and date her.

Unfortunately, communication isn't our best suit. She has a tendency to get upset when I try to get her to open up, and I, afraid of upsetting her,
don't often pursue. I think over time she started to lose attraction for me because I was not emotionally in tune and focused too much on sex, thinking everything was great. I acted too needy and a pleaser and I believe that was why she lost her feelings for me. In addtion, we are both introverts and don't socialize much outside of each other, which may have led to me smothering her with what I thought would keep her happy. It also doesn't help that her only friends are guy friends, who I'm sure are interested in her because she is beautiful.

Alongside, I found out she has been bantering with another coworker that she says she is not interested in for about a year. I confronted her earlier and she stated it was just fun. She also said she did meet someone that she was interested in and had been on a two coffee meetings with him, though she tried to say she didn't know it was a date. I get the sense she has been lining up my replacement.

When she had told me this in the beginning, I made mistakes by trying to reason and plead with her to give us another chance. I seriously was caught off guard but after reading online, etc, I realize this was not a good move and likely further lowered my attraction to her. I also began to realize all the mistakes I made and I wanted to fix it. She stated we can try, but she is looking for apartments so she doesn't feel like she is stuck.

So I decided to act more like a man and let her do what she wants, pretending it doesn't bother me and trying to give myself the mindset that I know my value and she can leave if she wants to. Last week, we started to get closer again to the point where we would cuddle together in bed. I felt like things were turning up, which was surprising to me since a week ago I thought she had lost interest completely. But the next day when I dropped her off at the airport I told her that I do not care if she sees/flirts with other guys, but that it is testing me and if she messes it up with me I will walk away. I tried to show strength and that statement brought her to tears. During her vacation she gave me the silent treatment, though I can tell she was texting the guys mentioned above. I feel like I made a mistake because I was just getting her to open up again but stupidly brought the drama back at the worse time ever.

Anyway, she is back and i'm trying to get her to open up to me emotionally since she obviously shut me out during that week. At the same time I am worried that if I keep probing her to open up she will always associate the negative feelings with me, pushing her further away to avoid these hurtful feelings. She hasn't found an apartment yet but is looking for one in June, which puts time pressure for me to reattract her to stay through my actions.

I love this girl more than anything, but I'm trying to date/court her again and try to help her develop attraction for me, without forcing it. I feel that I need to make myself more scarce in order to give her space, be less needy, and show her that my life will go on and to give her a chance to miss me. But I do fear she will leave if I start to neglect her like this since her interest is so low already. I had a date planned on Saturday which she is open to, though her interest is clearly low.

Apologies if the above is scrambled. I know 6 years isn't THAT long and we aren't even married, but I haven't felt this much pain, agony, and heartache ever before. I know this experience will teach me to be a better man instead of a needy pleaser that I was, but I love this girl to no end. The other aspects of my life (career, etc) are fantastic and I am a confident professional in those areas, but when I'm with her I sort of lose myself and smother her.

Please help, lay down the truth, smack me in the face, whatever it is!

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

Sorry, she has found another man and you are "plan B" in her life.
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

There are two books that I think could help you. The books go together so you would need both of them.

Love Busters

His Needs, Her Needs

There are links to them in my signature block below.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things where you focus on each other?

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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
There are two books that I think could help you. The books go together so you would need both of them.

Love Busters

His Needs, Her Needs

There are links to them in my signature block below.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things where you focus on each other?
For the past 1.5 years, we probably spent 10-15 hrs a week together. Of that time, a small portion was spent focused on each other. Most of the time we spend together we are working (we're both in the medical field), or watching TV when she gets back at around 11 pm and just says she wants a break. She often falls asleep in my arms on the couch.

In retrospect we didn't spend much time chatting with each other, mostly because of her just being exhausted from 18+ hour days. I think just that fact also means she spends a lot more time with her coworkers... Last month was when she finally started to have more time, which is why I started planning more dates, etc. I should have focused more on connecting with her during the past year and a half. It is a little difficult to get her to open up now even though I am trying. She keeps saying that she doesn't feel like talking about it, and if I push further she gets mad and I ruin the mood.

I should also share that we moved across the country together and have both made sacrifices for each other. Her parents recently got divorced as well, which I think also caused her to fear that this will lead the same way.

I appreciate the books and will definitely take a look. Unfortunately I dont think I'll be able to get through it and apply it in time. I would sincerely appreciate any advice now to save this.
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

You know what is coming here...on TAM, don't you?

What she wants:

A man who is sure of himself.
A man who can communicate..even if she cannot. Or is "afraid" to to communicate. Her real feelings are not helpful to your relationship, hence her silence.
A man who values himself, values her, just enough to keep her "on edge". Keep her interest piqued.
A man whom she can trust.
A man who is friendly and happy with himself.
A man who smiles a lot. Has a sense of humor.....

A man who has what you can never have......fresh paint, new car smell.
A man who has a "different" brand of Kibbles. He feeds her compliments and his are nice and genuine.

A man who is mysterious.
A man who looks good clothed.....maybe good unclothed.

A man who has more promise. He has a better chance at making her happy.
A man who might be better in bed.

She has not left you yet, hence the tears a while back. This means she have love for you. But it is diminishing.
She has not left you...yet.

She IS looking and she is looking for excuses. She is comparing you to other men.

From your initial post, I could tell that you know what needs to be done.
Git-er-Done!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
You know what is coming here...on TAM, don't you?

What she wants:

A man who is sure of himself.
A man who can communicate..even if she cannot. Or is "afraid" to to communicate. Her real feelings are not helpful to your relationship, hence her silence.
A man who values himself, values her, just enough to keep her "on edge". Keep her interest piqued.
A man whom she can trust.
A man who is friendly and happy with himself.
A man who smiles a lot. Has a sense of humor.....

A man who has what you can never have......fresh paint, new car smell.
A man who has a "different" brand of Kibbles. He feeds her compliments and his are nice and genuine.

A man who is mysterious.
A man who looks good clothed.....maybe good unclothed.

A man who has more promise. He has a better chance at making her happy.
A man who might be better in bed.

She has not left you yet, hence the tears a while back. This means she have love for you. But it is diminishing.
She has not left you...yet.

She IS looking and she is looking for excuses. She is comparing you to other men.

From your initial post, I could tell that you know what needs to be done.
Git-er-Done!
Thanks for that message and appreciate the list. Unfortunately, I am conflicted on what needs to be done...hence my reason for the post.

I assume you're saying I should strive to be the better man and have her choose. I am planning on showing her I am okay without her, hanging out more with my buddies to give her space, focusing on myself and my work, keeping a positive mood, supporting and courting her, and trying to get her to open up. I'm thinking you were leaning towards this because you're saying she may still have feelings for me. Or am I just trying to find hope where there is none?

This is versus growing a spine, putting my foot down, confronting her, telling her to stop communicating with those guys because its disrespectful, and ending it if she refuses.

Last edited by lars265; 04-13-2017 at 01:41 PM.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

As far as putting your foot down:

Depends. Don't you hate that word?
.................................................. .................................................. ........................
I would ask her where her head is at.

You are engaged. For three years.

You have not pulled the trigger. Some here will tell you that is a good thing.

Me? I would ask her if she still wants to be engaged.

If she hems and haws and say she is "unsure"....she is not really in to you. Remember, she knows how she feels.

If she is not sure, ask her for her engagement ring back. Break the engagement. Tell her that the two of you are no longer exclusive.

Do this quietly and politely. And with a smile.

You will have your answer.

If she says yes, and if you believe her, ask her to name a date. If it is not very soon, it is not sufficient love on her part.

End the relationship. You must be decisive on this. See what happens in the weeks to come. If she wants to try again, this is promising.

My take on where she is at? Not a clue, my friend.

Good luck.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

She's definitely not worth all she's putting you through. Try to find someone who is into you and not someone she wants you to be. I find women who keep on saying they want a man who will take charge to be quite tiresome and shallow. You're lucky that you aren't married to her because you would probably end up divorced in the first couple years. Break it off with her and find someone who really wants to be with you.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

Lars, you are a fool. You know it is over but you still sleep in the same bed. All you really need is a faithful woman. This one is NOT. Sure you made mistakes, but she is using you. I think you should stop trying to win her back. Start separating finances, Things, addresses, etc.

one other thing, Did she return the ring?
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

Alert! High maintenance woman detected, with lukewarm feelings for you and expectations of you becoming the man that she wants, which is a proxy for her not really knowing what she wants. Run away, very fast! Don't look back.

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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

The thing that eats me up is that we were both very happy 3-4 years ago. When we were 2.5 hours apart she drove almost every weekend to come visit me for 2 years. Things were really great back then and a part of me wants to bring all that back and thinks I can fix it if I can convince her to try. Regardless, I need to work on myself.
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:27 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

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The thing that eats me up is that we were both very happy 3-4 years ago. When we were 2.5 hours apart she drove almost every weekend to come visit me for 2 years. Things were really great back then and a part of me wants to bring all that back and thinks I can fix it if I can convince her to try. Regardless, I need to work on myself.
Yes work on yourself and leave this cheating drama queen to whatever guy will put up with her crap.Is this how you want to live,on eggshells,afraid to be yourself in case you inadvertently upset her.Go and do a few things for yourself,buy a new car or a motorbike,have a vacation and don't contact her and let her learn to miss YOU.
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

In this case, I suggest you follow SunCMars advice to figure out where she is. You can't hold a relationship together on your own. If she is trying to decide if she should stay in the relationship, then the relationship is over. Relationships just don't work if both people aren't 100% invested in holding it together. Your best bet is to let her go, grieve the loss, and move on. Perhaps at some point she will grow up enough to want to work on a relationship with you. But you shouldn't wait for that.


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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

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It also doesn't help that her only friends are guy friends, who I'm sure are interested in her because she is beautiful.
She does not have female friends, and only has guy friends, because female friends are not trying to get into her pants and thus are looking for real friends that contribute equally to the friendship. Your fiancee on the other hand is looking for male orbiters that she can use her beauty on.

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Originally Posted by lars265 View Post
Alongside, I found out she has been bantering with another coworker that she says she is not interested in for about a year. I confronted her earlier and she stated it was just fun. She also said she did meet someone that she was interested in and had been on a two coffee meetings with him, though she tried to say she didn't know it was a date. I get the sense she has been lining up my replacement.
She knew that the two meetings were dates, and you got the feeling that she is lining up your replacement because she is. If she is dating other men, and looking for your replacement, she is not really your fiancee anymore, and you are not even in an exclusive relationship with her.

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So I decided to act more like a man and let her do what she wants, pretending it doesn't bother me.
Real men do not pretend that they do not mind being cheated on. Real men decisively dump cheaters and move on.

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Originally Posted by lars265 View Post
But the next day when I dropped her off at the airport I told her that I do not care if she sees/flirts with other guys, but that it is testing me and if she messes it up with me I will walk away. I tried to show strength and that statement brought her to tears. During her vacation she gave me the silent treatment, though I can tell she was texting the guys mentioned above.
Telling her that you "do not care if she sees/flirts with other guys" is not showing strength, it is showing weakness. Her giving you the silent treatment while texting the other men that she is dating and cheating with shows you that she saw this weakness. BTW, who did she vacation with? Is it possible that she had plans with another man on this trip?

Dating other men, giving you the silent treatment when she is on vacation, and making plans to move out, tells you that your relationship is over. End it with dignity and your head held high. Dump her and do not look back. Only if she does the hard work to prove that she deserves a second chance should you even think about giving her one. Although I would not hold out much hope, since the fact that she is moving out tells you that she is moving on and probably already has another man lined up.

Last edited by TRy; 04-13-2017 at 06:27 PM.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: She is drifting away, how can I save it?

The title of your thread is "She is drifting away, how can I save it?" The answer to that question is that the best chance that you have to save it is to really be willing to end it. By this I mean, tell her right now that you have had enough. If she is no longer interested in committing 100% to the relationship, you are done with her. On the off chance that she wants to commit, set firm boundaries that include full no contact with these 2 other men, and establish full transparency that includes sharing all passwords without complaint. Do not budge or debate this. If she does not say yes, then you have your answer and you are done.
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