Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
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Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

https://www.inc.com/melanie-curtin/w...share=facebook

I've always thought this way about life and happiness.... nobody ever wishes that they worked more on their death bed... maybe they have other regrets, but I think most people wish they had more time with loved ones.

This particular statement sort of knocked my socks off:

"Thus, if you've found love (in the form of a relationship, let's say) but you undergo a trauma like losing a job, losing a parent, or losing a child, and you don't deal with that trauma, you could end up "coping" in a way that pushes love away."

It's just so relative to me in particular with how Mr HB is handling his rapid health decline, and how our marriage has declined as a result of his "coping" mechanisms.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

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https://www.inc.com/melanie-curtin/w...share=facebook

I've always thought this way about life and happiness.... nobody ever wishes that they worked more on their death bed... maybe they have other regrets, but I think most people wish they had more time with loved ones.

This particular statement sort of knocked my socks off:

"Thus, if you've found love (in the form of a relationship, let's say) but you undergo a trauma like losing a job, losing a parent, or losing a child, and you don't deal with that trauma, you could end up "coping" in a way that pushes love away."

It's just so relative to me in particular with how Mr HB is handling his rapid health decline, and how our marriage has declined as a result of his "coping" mechanisms.
Interesting, I never says on your tombstone, "was the best accountant at the office".

As far as HB what are his "coping" mechanisms?
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:25 PM
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

Sorry, Dear.

Sometimes, coping is 'copping a plea' to get out of the Big Claims Court in the sky...or in the "Home on the Range", the hot range.,where burning and painful decisions are put off or swept under the rug, for someone else to find and get rid off.

Health is a gift. And it is not a promise to anyone of any stripe.

Be specific, how is he coping? Refresh our memory banks. I know he has cancer and was sexting and has a "limited" time left. You put your disgust and divorce plans on hold...till God separates you.

Am I right.

How are you coping with his coping? Has his off site, out of sight behavior improved?

You are "heartbroken" because your promised golden years will be taken away from you, way too soon.

And, your Golden Memories have been soiled by his behavior.

I forget, is he on strong pain killers? If so, these make a person do strange things......no excuse.

I will share a little:
Last year was a watershed time with respect to my own health. Oak trees are not supposed to get damaged by high winds, let alone to rot from the inside.

I have been lowered a notch or two and I am pissed. I cover it up by calling forth "The Good Humor Man".

I am tired of being tired.

Luckily, I fear nothing....nor should you. You will live on....until you don't.

How can we flawed TAMMER's help thou?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 04-14-2017 at 09:38 PM.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

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As far as HB what are his "coping" mechanisms?
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Be specific, how is he coping? Refresh our memory banks.

How are you coping with his coping?
Mr HB has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for a few years now. Surgeries, chemo...then a year of relative calm. We have known from the beginning that his prognosis was poor, but Mr HB was in denial for most of this time.

I arrived at TAM about 8 months ago (how time flies!!)... after discovering him in a 6 month long sexting affair. This was his coping mechanism of choice. Up until then I believed we had a great marriage... we enjoyed each other's company, had a great sex life, great kids. Lots of financial and other challenges but he and I had always been solid (so I thought).

Anyway, we haven't been able to reconcile as he is not remorseful. Our marriage is a sham now... just roommates. His cancer came back worse than ever this past fall and he is now inoperable and time is even more limited. He is having chemo again but he's not tolerating it as well as before and he's declined rapidly.

He continues to cope in ways that hurt me: entitled attitude, reckless financially, he has removed himself as a parenting partner to our 3 boys. And, he has a new pen-pal... I don't think this one is sexual, but she is a former HS acquaintance and is also going through chemo...Oh, and she's a personal trainer... how cliche, right? (no offense intended to any fitness trainers out there).

TAM has helped me a lot... a place to vent... new friends. My go to for coping.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

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Mr HB has been battling stage 4 colon cancer for a few years now. Surgeries, chemo...then a year of relative calm. We have known from the beginning that his prognosis was poor, but Mr HB was in denial for most of this time.

I arrived at TAM about 8 months ago (how time flies!!)... after discovering him in a 6 month long sexting affair. This was his coping mechanism of choice. Up until then I believed we had a great marriage... we enjoyed each other's company, had a great sex life, great kids. Lots of financial and other challenges but he and I had always been solid (so I thought).

Anyway, we haven't been able to reconcile as he is not remorseful. Our marriage is a sham now... just roommates. His cancer came back worse than ever this past fall and he is now inoperable and time is even more limited. He is having chemo again but he's not tolerating it as well as before and he's declined rapidly.

He continues to cope in ways that hurt me: entitled attitude, reckless financially, he has removed himself as a parenting partner to our 3 boys. And, he has a new pen-pal... I don't think this one is sexual, but she is a former HS acquaintance and is also going through chemo...Oh, and she's a personal trainer... how cliche, right? (no offense intended to any fitness trainers out there).

TAM has helped me a lot... a place to vent... new friends. My go to for coping.
OK I remember you. Sorry to hear he has not changed. Sometimes when people are faced with death they act terribly. Personally I think you are seeing the worst of him, when he had hope he controlled this side of himself. Crisis usually brings out peoples true character. I have also heard some spouses purposely sabotage the relationship in a misguided attempt to make the death easier on the spouse. So dumb. I think I told you this but I read a whole thread about this on Reddit with stories just like yours. The worse one was the guy whose wife got cancer and "feel in love" with a guy she met in her coping with cancer group. Cut him off completely didn't let him see her on her death bead, The family even blocked him from the funeral. That was one of the worse stories I have ever read. He said that it helped him get over her quicker though.

Anyway I don't know why I wrote all that. Just to let you know that you are not alone. Sadly this seems to happen a lot. Sorry you were dealt such a bad hand.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

This "wound" of yours will self-heal.

The gears are turning...a new page, no! a new book is yet to be written by you.

Karma is usually delayed in it's action.

For Him? It shadows him, without fail.

Part of his madness is the drugs, part of it his failing health...failing life force.

Not a good excuse. But one that is better than most. What a shame.

Hang in there......he cannot.

During this "wait", avoid him as much as possible. Likely, hard to do, Eh?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 09:04 PM
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

I'm so very sorry, pain on top of pain.
Deep down, when I have lost people close to me, I wanted them to help me cope with how to go on without them. Hard to admit that. But everyone who has passed away with prior knowledge (known they were going to die) had done just that.
Let me know, in person, that they wish for me to know certain things, and what they wish for me in the future. It sounds really selfish, doesn't it? But when death is accepted, people do figure out that they ones they care about are the ones that need support. They don't....because it's going to end and nothing can be done.
Some people never get there until it happens. My wish for you is that you get the support you need, and lead the most fulfilling life possible.


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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Leading a Fulfilling Life - Interesting Read

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It's just so relative to me in particular with how Mr HB is handling his rapid health decline, and how our marriage has declined as a result of his "coping" mechanisms.
What he is doing is a reflection of him, not you. Though your circumstances are not typical for what we see on TAM, I think the basic principles still apply. He is making choices. This is on him, not you. No doubt he is under a lot of stress, and his brain may have been altered by the treatments to the point of affecting his emotions or judgment somewhat. Regardless, you are not to blame in any way for his choices and actions.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
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