Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 6Likes
  • 1 Post By EleGirl
  • 2 Post By EleGirl
  • 2 Post By Marc878
  • 1 Post By pygmalioneffect
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
pygmalioneffect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Not sure if this is the best place for this thread, but I'd appreciate feedback from anyone who has used the Marriage Builders seminar/courses/programs in actual real life.

For some reason my initial journal/thread, where I had pages of info outlining my relationship and experiences in my marriage has been cut down to the last three pages only, so I can't refer any of you to my whole, long, bizarre story, and I'm so exhausted at re-hashing it in my head so many times that I can't even bear the thought of typing it all out again. But, I'll link to what's left of my thread here in case that's relevant to any feedback: http://http://talkaboutmarriage.com/...need-vent.html

In earlier pages on my above-mentioned thread someone recommended the Marriage Builders program to me, and I have no recollection of who it was, and obviously, with the other pages missing can't look back to ask them directly. H and I have spent time in MC in recent months, but are struggling with some aspects of it - we aren't huge fans of our therapist. She spends so much time and energy focused on our past and all the things we've done wrong to one another. We desperately need to start working on ways to do it better, instead of just wallowing in all the negatives. I've communicated this to her, but I am not really getting far with her. H and I have committed to one another that, if we both aren't feeling drastic improvements in our relationship by June, then we would begin to explore separation and divorce. I want to give this as much chance as possible - I don't want to divorce feeling like we didn't try everything we could.

I'd love to explore the idea of the Marriage Builders Programs, since we can schedule it into life more easily, and work side-by-side on it. I've ordered His Needs, Her Needs already, and will be sure to read it ASAP.

But, before I suggest it to H I'd like to hear about it a little more - pros and cons, if there is value for the cost, etc.

Thanks in advance for your help

pygmalioneffect is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:48 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
For some reason my initial journal/thread, where I had pages of info outlining my relationship and experiences in my marriage has been cut down to the last three pages only,
I've asked the admins to rebuild your thread to see if they can resurrect your missing posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:55 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Marriage Builders will not focus on your past and all that you both have done wrong. They focus on what you want your marriage/relationship to be like and how to accomplish that.

I have never done their full program. But what I have done from their program, like the books, are great. I have talked to people who have done the program and some who went to their weekends and they all said that it was life-altering.

I used to post a lot on their forum, but I left because it’s not really Marriage Builders in the full sense. The Harley’s and their other staff do not participate there. The forum as evolved have a few posters who have self-appointed as experts. They get very dogmatic.
EleGirl is online now  
 
post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:24 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,134
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

If you're not happy with your MC find another. Not all of those people are good.

It's your dime!!!
Marc878 is offline  
post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
pygmalioneffect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Marriage Builders will not focus on your past and all that you both have done wrong. They focus on what you want your marriage/relationship to be like and how to accomplish that.

I have never done their full program. But what I have done from their program, like the books, are great. I have talked to people who have done the program and some who went to their weekends and they all said that it was life-altering.

I used to post a lot on their forum, but I left because it’s not really Marriage Builders in the full sense. The Harley’s and their other staff do not participate there. The forum as evolved have a few posters who have self-appointed as experts. They get very dogmatic.
Thanks for this feedback. I've watched the forum there for a few weeks. The dogma is part of my concern. The religious spin on all of this will send my H for the hills. But I believe the content seems immensely valuable separate of that part. I'm considering trying to walk through all this on our own, partly to avoid that part, but I've seen on the forums that many couples spend YEARS at it without success, only to find the full guided program handles their issues in mere weeks.

Overall I'm concerned that H simply won't do the work if its self guided. The man won't look at a book if it's not about cars or science. I have difficulty imagining him reading "his needs, her needs" and taking any value or actual interest in it. He could surprise me. Maybe.

I desperately need him to WANT to do this too. I can't have it be me orchestrating and organizing and planning and doing all the work. I need him to show me he wants this to get better. He needs to put in as much effort as I am if I'm going to stay.

Do I give him an ultimatum? How do I engage him to help me? How do I bring it all up and get started despite his probable disinterest?
pygmalioneffect is offline  
post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:16 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
pygmalioneffect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
If you're not happy with your MC find another. Not all of those people are good.

It's your dime!!!
I guess I'm concerned over starting over with another one. It's a ton of money for sure - beginning again is costly. I feel like it has taken months to get to a point where we're just getting to talking about the present day. I'm fine with spending the money if I feel it's positive - but hours of talking about how he said this in 2006 and I said that in 2010 is just sucking the life out of me. Finding a new MC will take weeks, getting an appointment, going through the first meeting process. Then re hashing all this past again (hopefully more condensed, but still). By the time we do this all I fear I'll already be at the end of my rope before we've even done any real, actual, positive work together. I want to start now. Living here like this, where things are so tense, is torture. I just want to feel like we are DOING something.
pygmalioneffect is offline  
post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:37 AM
Member
 
Rowan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,618
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

There's a workbook that goes along with His Needs, Her Needs, so you might want to get a copy of that as well. It's not mandatory, per se, but it gives you worksheets to help guide you through the things the book tells you to do.

If your husband won't read the book, then I would start by reading it yourself and applying what you read to cleaning up your own side of the street. Take what you learn and implement it on your own, for yourself, so that you're the best spouse you can possibly be. Your husband may notice and appreciate the changes, which may make him more motivated to join you in improving your marriage. But I do think it's fine to set a time limit on such one-sided work. If he's still unwilling to budge after a few months of your implementing MB principals on your own, then it's okay to re-evaluate whether or not you want to keep working on the marriage solo or if it's time to move on.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
Rowan is offline  
post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:03 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 516
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
Thanks for this feedback. I've watched the forum there for a few weeks. The dogma is part of my concern. The religious spin on all of this will send my H for the hills. But I believe the content seems immensely valuable separate of that part. I'm considering trying to walk through all this on our own, partly to avoid that part, but I've seen on the forums that many couples spend YEARS at it without success, only to find the full guided program handles their issues in mere weeks.

I'm not religious and the MB program helped us a lot. We didn't do the online program, just the books and talked with Dr. Harley.

Overall I'm concerned that H simply won't do the work if its self guided. The man won't look at a book if it's not about cars or science. I have difficulty imagining him reading "his needs, her needs" and taking any value or actual interest in it. He could surprise me. Maybe.

The forum is helpful for giving advice on how to get your husband on board, and so are the MB coaches. Husbands typically seem to appreciate the actionable steps better than MC. It's effective, and they quickly understand that it benefits them too in getting their needs met.

I desperately need him to WANT to do this too. I can't have it be me orchestrating and organizing and planning and doing all the work. I need him to show me he wants this to get better. He needs to put in as much effort as I am if I'm going to stay.

Absolutely, he needs to be on board. If he's willing to do MC, he will likely get more out of MB. They were very helpful in how to address getting my H on board. I will say though that if your H refuses, the advice will be to temporarily separate until he does, with suggestions for how to help him understand that you are willing to reconcile if he's willing to put in the effort to meet your needs.

Do I give him an ultimatum? How do I engage him to help me? How do I bring it all up and get started despite his probable disinterest?

The forum and coaches are very good at helping you with this. Dr. H helped me with this too.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
pygmalioneffect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
Thanks for this feedback. I've watched the forum there for a few weeks. The dogma is part of my concern. The religious spin on all of this will send my H for the hills. But I believe the content seems immensely valuable separate of that part. I'm considering trying to walk through all this on our own, partly to avoid that part, but I've seen on the forums that many couples spend YEARS at it without success, only to find the full guided program handles their issues in mere weeks.

I'm not religious and the MB program helped us a lot. We didn't do the online program, just the books and talked with Dr. Harley.

Overall I'm concerned that H simply won't do the work if its self guided. The man won't look at a book if it's not about cars or science. I have difficulty imagining him reading "his needs, her needs" and taking any value or actual interest in it. He could surprise me. Maybe.

The forum is helpful for giving advice on how to get your husband on board, and so are the MB coaches. Husbands typically seem to appreciate the actionable steps better than MC. It's effective, and they quickly understand that it benefits them too in getting their needs met.

I desperately need him to WANT to do this too. I can't have it be me orchestrating and organizing and planning and doing all the work. I need him to show me he wants this to get better. He needs to put in as much effort as I am if I'm going to stay.

Absolutely, he needs to be on board. If he's willing to do MC, he will likely get more out of MB. They were very helpful in how to address getting my H on board. I will say though that if your H refuses, the advice will be to temporarily separate until he does, with suggestions for how to help him understand that you are willing to reconcile if he's willing to put in the effort to meet your needs.

Do I give him an ultimatum? How do I engage him to help me? How do I bring it all up and get started despite his probable disinterest?

The forum and coaches are very good at helping you with this. Dr. H helped me with this too.
Thank you! Are you in Dr. H's area, or was this all via phone? Can I ask which "package" you used for this type of access?
pygmalioneffect is offline  
post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:26 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,188
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
If you're not happy with your MC find another. Not all of those people are good.

It's your dime!!!
I definitely agree, who we went to was really bad, only fixated on things I was doing "wrong". I told my wife if she wasn't willing to own her contributions to our bad marriage I wasn't going anymore.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:43 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,506
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I definitely agree, who we went to was really bad, only fixated on things I was doing "wrong". I told my wife if she wasn't willing to own her contributions to our bad marriage I wasn't going anymore.
Sometimes owning your own issues can inspire your partner to do the same.

Somebody has to start, jb. Somebody has to be the leader.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:03 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 516
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by pygmalioneffect View Post
Thank you! Are you in Dr. H's area, or was this all via phone? Can I ask which "package" you used for this type of access?
I sent you a PM.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:12 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,188
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Sometimes owning your own issues can inspire your partner to do the same.

Somebody has to start, jb. Somebody has to be the leader.
Didn't work with her though, after two sessions of my "issues" and BS like since I'm a certain nationality, I'm predisposed to certain behaviors. I'm less than 20% the nationality in question. I wanted to work on at least some of the things I felt were issues for her to resolve. It wasn't happening, it was like listening to two high school girls bashing their boyfriends. I owned the things they brought up but wouldn't talk about her issues. You can't be the leader if noone follows.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:15 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,506
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Didn't work with her though, after two sessions of my "issues" and BS like since I'm a certain nationality, I'm predisposed to certain behaviors. I'm less than 20% the nationality in question. I wanted to work on at least some of the things I felt were issues for her to resolve. It wasn't happening, it was like listening to two high school girls bashing their boyfriends. I owned the things they brought up but wouldn't talk about her issues. You can't be the leader if noone follows.
I am sure it is frustrating to be told to focus on your issues when you want equal time for hers.

But if you want to save the marriage, it may still be a place to start.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:32 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,188
Re: Feedback on "Marriage Builders" Program

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
I am sure it is frustrating to be told to focus on your issues when you want equal time for hers.

But if you want to save the marriage, it may still be a place to start.
That's part of what I'm dealing with, I'm not sure if I want to save it or not. I'm not going to be the only one who makes an effort. There's so much broken it would take a huge effort from her to fix it. I've never seen her put any effort into anything her whole life, for her, it's easier to quit than to try.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Controversial program for heroin addiction jld Politics and Religion 4 12-09-2016 03:53 PM
Feedback uhtred Sex in Marriage 63 08-01-2016 03:00 PM
Looking for feedback on my new project tech-novelist The Social Spot 42 06-14-2016 04:02 PM
Dating question, very new to it. Could use some feedback unbe The Men's Clubhouse 163 05-26-2016 09:18 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome