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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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So I'm not being unrealistic in thinking my husband should have no contact with his ex unless it's specifically about their child? What do I say when he says he has to help his ex with something because it's for his daughter? I've always said that his ex can deal with it herself, but that's when I get told I'm being jealous or don't understand. I don't like the woman, but she isn't a helpless puppy.

I should clarify that yes I slept in another bedroom for a week, but my husband was unhappy about it. He did apologize and wanted me to come back to our bed. He tried to shut up about it but I could tell it was bothering him and he wanted to say something. He is so obsessed with his ex that it eats away at him. He has never cheated on me or done anything with her. He doesn't want to be with her or want her in any other way.

He broke up with her because she has issues and they were incompatible. He didn't leave a perfectly good woman for me. He left a dysfunctional relationship. I may have known him when he was still with her, but nothing happened between us until he left her. Meeting a normal person might have shown him the other side, but he didn't leave her for me.

I have told my husband to just contact his daughter but he says he doesn't want to put adult problems on children. They have followed the same general custody timetable since I've known him. There really is no need to contact his ex unless he needs to change the schedule. I need to put my foot down... I've been scared to do it, just to later out find out that I was being a dumb ass and overreacting.

I have considered moving, but it's not doable right now. He has 50/50 custody and they still honor that. He has a good bond with his daughter. Both of our careers are in this city and moving to even the next major city is a 3 hour drive. When my husbands daughter is in university, then it would be easier because she is looking at schools across the country. We could move anywhere and start over.
I feel really badly for you in this situation.You don't realise it but you are rug sweeping on a major scale.His daughter is sixteen not six,she has her own life and doesn't need this custody order any more.If she wants to see her dad she can just come over she is not a child any more.I think your husband needs a shock to bring him to his senses and if you can't move from the city you are in then at least move out or ask him to leave.You are being walked over and your feelings being ignored and you are fooling yourself if you think he is not attracted to his ex.

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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Would your husband have the same attitude of being up your butt constantly if you two split "for the kids?" I doubt it. Does he pay as much attention to the kids you have together or do they get pushed aside for his DD with the ex? He needs to know he is not treating all his kids equally and those with you are getting the short end of it.

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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:07 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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I really get the urge to say "shut the **** up about her or we are done".
Say it. I would. There is no reason why your husband can't have a cordial relationship with his ex, that's the ideal, but it doesn't mean they're friends. Especially now that his daughter is 16, there really is no reason for them to have much contact at all. The amount of time he spends over there is utterly ridiculous.

And, in case you show your husband this thread - I'm married to a man with a daughter from a previous marriage. She is 12, almost 13 and the ONLY contact they have is about her. They have an amicable, cordial relationship, but they aren't friends and the only thing they have in common is their daughter.

I would NEVER, not in a million years tolerate what you are putting up with. No freakin' way.

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I have told my husband to just contact his daughter but he says he doesn't want to put adult problems on children. They have followed the same general custody timetable since I've known him. There really is no need to contact his ex unless he needs to change the schedule. I need to put my foot down... I've been scared to do it, just to later out find out that I was being a dumb ass and overreacting.
What problems? How is asking your SIXTEEN year old daughter directly "what time are you coming tommorrow?" or "Do you need me to pick you up?" putting adult problems on children??? Wtf???
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:55 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

He wont be putting adult problems on children. Doesn't he speak to her on the phone at all? She is 16, not far off being an adult, she is quite old enough to make her own arrangements.

He may see it that he left her for you, and that may have added to the guilt. He should not be going round doing things for her, she is an adult and can do things for herself or get someone in to do them. He does not need to go into their house at all.

You may need to set a boundary here. State simply, this cant go on, either you cut the ties or this marriage is over. I am amazed you have left it this long.

Jim Smoke, who has counselled thousands of divorced people, says that you must have as little contact as possible with the ex otherwise you wont be able to move on.

Mind you,I guess you knew all this when you married him.

Marriage counseling may help him to see what is going on here.
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:21 AM
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Cool Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Paying child support on a timely basis, and being there for his daughter are the only requisites that your H owes to his ex!

Being her ardent "step-and-fetch-it" should never ever be remotely a part of his job description!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:40 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

I can see the dads point of view. He wants his daughter to have a nice and comfortable life, he wants to prove to her he loves her and will always do what he can. He knows the ex is a **** up and he feels guilty the kid is being raised by a nut job so he is over compensating. I would bet he realizes the ex is taking advantage of him but feels it's a price he is willing to pay to make his daughter comfortable. You can argue that new grass in the yard doesn't help the daughter but I disagree, now she has a home with a nice lawn and isn't subject to ridicule from other kids for living in a trashy looking home.

I feel sorry for the guy, he is torn and trying to make everyone happy. You can call him a doormat if you wish, I think he believes the consequences of not being involved would have a negative impact on his daughters life.

Not saying I agree, but do understand.
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

I'll add to the chorus. I am divorced and remarried with two of my children being from my first marriage. The vast majority of the people I know are also divorced with children from their previous marriages. While I know a couple of folks who have a friendly relationship with their ex's, inviting them and their SO's over for BBQ and occasional gatherings, most only speak when it is something related to the children's health, safety, or education and the occasional scheduling issue. So, no, you defintiely aren't just being insecure and jealous.

Have you thought about contacting his ex directly, discussing the issue with her, and staging an intervention of sorts? You stated that your H's ex has not asked him for help and has acted skittish around him, clearly indicating she doesn't want the same level of contact he is comfortable with. She could be an ally here.

Also, I'd tell her about her beau being married as gently and as soon as possible. It's the decent thing to do. After that, whatever happens between her and the MM is between her, the MM, and his wife.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

I talked to my husband multiple times and told him that he needs to cut contact with his ex. His daughter is 16, she can text or call him herself. She can get into the car herself, he doesnít need to go into his exís house ever. If something is broken they can call someone to fix it, he doesnít need to do it or even need to know. My husband continues to use the excuses that he is doing it for his daughter and he wants his daughter to see a good co-parent relationship and know that he didnít abandon them. She has no memory of them together, the kid is fine.

Last week I confronted his ex and told her that she needs to stop the contact and stand on her own two feet. She said that she has never asked him for help and would rather they had less contact. She says that, but she has never done anything about it. She could easily tell him to F off and go away, no allow him in the house, take the spare key that he has, refuse to talk to him about anything other than their child. She clearly likes him hanging around all these years.

To be honest, it really pissed me off. She canít get her own husband so she tries to take bits and pieces from other womenís husbands. I made a comment about her boyfriend being married and her response (spoken and physical) indicated she had no idea he was married.

On one hand I feel bad about letting that information out because itís none of my business. On the other hand, Iím glad because now she is completely pissed at my husband for knowing and not saying anything but telling me. She wonít respond to his texts, wonít let him pick their daughter up instead she drops her off and quickly leaves without getting out. ie, how it probably should be.

But who is my husband pissed at, me. For meddling and for hurting her. He still seems to care more that his ex is hurting vs. his actions hurting me. His excuse is that she is broken and he doesnít want to make her life worse because it will affect their daughter. If she is so broken and damaged that she canít handle anything bad then she shouldnít have custody at all. Itís not his job to protect her.

So I put it out there, that he needs to let go of her and stop contacting her (unless directly about the teenager) or weíre divorcing and I wonít allow him to hang around me the way he does with her. And again, he goes right back to he needs his daughter to have an okay mother. What about our kids? Itís ok if they have a pissed off, miserable, unhappy mother?

Iím about to walk out the front door. I cannot get it through his head that he is being an idiot.
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Basically he hasn't cut the emotional ties. For a married man to have the the keys of another woman's house is madness.
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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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Basically he hasn't cut the emotional ties. For a married man to have the the keys of another woman's house is madness.
My husband cut the key from his daughters copy. His reason for having it is incase of an emergency. His ex could have changed the locks if she really wanted him to stay away. He can't let go of her 100%, and she isn't letting go of him. It's been 12 years, if he hasn't done it yet he probably won't.

I think I need to start the divorce process and if that doesn't smack some sense into him, nothing will.

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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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My husband cut the key from his daughters copy. His reason for having it is incase of an emergency. His ex could have changed the locks if she really wanted him to stay away. He can't let go of her 100%, and she isn't letting go of him. It's been 12 years, if he hasn't done it yet he probably won't.

I think I need to start the divorce process and if that doesn't smack some sense into him, nothing will.
Your husband isn't marriage material right now..... the emotional cord hasn't been cut.

I know how this feels.....i could tell you stories about my hb and his ridiculous boundaries with his ex and her family when i met him. And his daughter was was 16 when we met, so it's not like she was a little kid.

To own my part I put up with it for way too long. They'd been divorced 3 years when we met and I heard had been separated for several prior to that, so i hardly had anything to do with their breakup.

But post divorce dynamics were new to me as I'd only been recently divorced and my ex and i were not on good terms at the time, so I didn't know what a healthy ex spouse relationship looked like.

He'd go to every damn party she or her family had, they had keys to each others houses..... they were even vacationing together with her family. The first holiday we were dating I was going to dump him if he went on vacation with them.

He didn't.....i think he knew what he was doing wasn't right. And his ex, while I don't think she wanted him back, definitely liked the attention and the idea that she was so important that he couldn't move on.

I could threadjack for the next 3 hours with stories like this, but eventually I just blew up. I won't get into specifics but let's just say that she's pretty much out of our lives now. And coincidentally right after our blow up she married her bf. I can't imagine that he was thrilled with the whole thing.

I've dealt with her directly once..... let's say that I can play dirty too if that's what she wants.

You, like me, should've dealt with this ages ago. But here your are, so stop confronting her or fighting with him. Simply tell him that it's clear he's too attached to her to be marriage material and you're sorry you didn't accept this years ago.

Tell him you will be on your way, and do not address any more bull**** from him. He can spin it any way he wants but you can inform him that you'll not be putting up with it, and you'll be finding a man who isn't attached to his ex.

If he wants to deal with his boundaries let him demonstrate it to you. He can be there for his ex while single..... fighting over it only gives him opportunities to justify and bull****.

Just set your boundaries and enforce them.
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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Good, Im glad to read that you are standing up for yourself on this. Also its a GOOD thing you let her know about her married boyfriend! Your H really should have told her, and I dont blame her for being mad over it. The only bad thing is that once she gets over it, she may actually amp up contact with him. I am so disappointed in how much he takes her side on this against you, that isnt a real husband, sorry to say.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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I can see the dads point of view. He wants his daughter to have a nice and comfortable life, he wants to prove to her he loves her and will always do what he can. He knows the ex is a **** up and he feels guilty the kid is being raised by a nut job so he is over compensating. I would bet he realizes the ex is taking advantage of him but feels it's a price he is willing to pay to make his daughter comfortable. You can argue that new grass in the yard doesn't help the daughter but I disagree, now she has a home with a nice lawn and isn't subject to ridicule from other kids for living in a trashy looking home.

I feel sorry for the guy, he is torn and trying to make everyone happy. You can call him a doormat if you wish, I think he believes the consequences of not being involved would have a negative impact on his daughters life.

Not saying I agree, but do understand.
This. I felt bad for my ex since I left her and made her a part time single mom overnight. Early on I had problems saying "no" to her, which caused issues with my current relationship (engaged). I only interact with my ex via text and only about kids. It's a tough spot to be in. I always do whatever to make life easier/better for my two kids and it's never in my mind to do things for her. But my fiancee doesn't always see it that way and there's a fine line. As long as he's not lying about his interactions with her, I'd cut him a little slack. Definitely get the daughter a car so she can go between the two houses as she wishes and ditch the parenting schedule. I can't wait until my kids turn 16!!
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Sorry, he gets no slack here. Why should he? OP has seen what happens when he is given slack, and its unacceptable. He is under ZERO obligation to do ANYTHING for his XW. Period. His daughter is 16, not 6, she will get it. She probably thinks its weird, the way things have been. If the H in this situation wasnt married/in a relationship, then he could kiss the XW's ass all he wanted to, but he is committed to someone, so boundaries need to apply.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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My husband cut the key from his daughters copy. His reason for having it is incase of an emergency. His ex could have changed the locks if she really wanted him to stay away. He can't let go of her 100%, and she isn't letting go of him. It's been 12 years, if he hasn't done it yet he probably won't.

I think I need to start the divorce process and if that doesn't smack some sense into him, nothing will.
He probably doesn't think you will go through with it.
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