My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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So I'm not being unrealistic in thinking my husband should have no contact with his ex unless it's specifically about their child? What do I say when he says he has to help his ex with something because it's for his daughter? I've always said that his ex can deal with it herself, but that's when I get told I'm being jealous or don't understand. I don't like the woman, but she isn't a helpless puppy.

I should clarify that yes I slept in another bedroom for a week, but my husband was unhappy about it. He did apologize and wanted me to come back to our bed. He tried to shut up about it but I could tell it was bothering him and he wanted to say something. He is so obsessed with his ex that it eats away at him. He has never cheated on me or done anything with her. He doesn't want to be with her or want her in any other way.

He broke up with her because she has issues and they were incompatible. He didn't leave a perfectly good woman for me. He left a dysfunctional relationship. I may have known him when he was still with her, but nothing happened between us until he left her. Meeting a normal person might have shown him the other side, but he didn't leave her for me.

I have told my husband to just contact his daughter but he says he doesn't want to put adult problems on children. They have followed the same general custody timetable since I've known him. There really is no need to contact his ex unless he needs to change the schedule. I need to put my foot down... I've been scared to do it, just to later out find out that I was being a dumb ass and overreacting.

I have considered moving, but it's not doable right now. He has 50/50 custody and they still honor that. He has a good bond with his daughter. Both of our careers are in this city and moving to even the next major city is a 3 hour drive. When my husbands daughter is in university, then it would be easier because she is looking at schools across the country. We could move anywhere and start over.
I feel really badly for you in this situation.You don't realise it but you are rug sweeping on a major scale.His daughter is sixteen not six,she has her own life and doesn't need this custody order any more.If she wants to see her dad she can just come over she is not a child any more.I think your husband needs a shock to bring him to his senses and if you can't move from the city you are in then at least move out or ask him to leave.You are being walked over and your feelings being ignored and you are fooling yourself if you think he is not attracted to his ex.

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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Would your husband have the same attitude of being up your butt constantly if you two split "for the kids?" I doubt it. Does he pay as much attention to the kids you have together or do they get pushed aside for his DD with the ex? He needs to know he is not treating all his kids equally and those with you are getting the short end of it.

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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:07 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

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I really get the urge to say "shut the **** up about her or we are done".
Say it. I would. There is no reason why your husband can't have a cordial relationship with his ex, that's the ideal, but it doesn't mean they're friends. Especially now that his daughter is 16, there really is no reason for them to have much contact at all. The amount of time he spends over there is utterly ridiculous.

And, in case you show your husband this thread - I'm married to a man with a daughter from a previous marriage. She is 12, almost 13 and the ONLY contact they have is about her. They have an amicable, cordial relationship, but they aren't friends and the only thing they have in common is their daughter.

I would NEVER, not in a million years tolerate what you are putting up with. No freakin' way.

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I have told my husband to just contact his daughter but he says he doesn't want to put adult problems on children. They have followed the same general custody timetable since I've known him. There really is no need to contact his ex unless he needs to change the schedule. I need to put my foot down... I've been scared to do it, just to later out find out that I was being a dumb ass and overreacting.
What problems? How is asking your SIXTEEN year old daughter directly "what time are you coming tommorrow?" or "Do you need me to pick you up?" putting adult problems on children??? Wtf???
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:55 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

He wont be putting adult problems on children. Doesn't he speak to her on the phone at all? She is 16, not far off being an adult, she is quite old enough to make her own arrangements.

He may see it that he left her for you, and that may have added to the guilt. He should not be going round doing things for her, she is an adult and can do things for herself or get someone in to do them. He does not need to go into their house at all.

You may need to set a boundary here. State simply, this cant go on, either you cut the ties or this marriage is over. I am amazed you have left it this long.

Jim Smoke, who has counselled thousands of divorced people, says that you must have as little contact as possible with the ex otherwise you wont be able to move on.

Mind you,I guess you knew all this when you married him.

Marriage counseling may help him to see what is going on here.
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:21 AM
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Cool Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

Paying child support on a timely basis, and being there for his daughter are the only requisites that your H owes to his ex!

Being her ardent "step-and-fetch-it" should never ever be remotely a part of his job description!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:40 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

I can see the dads point of view. He wants his daughter to have a nice and comfortable life, he wants to prove to her he loves her and will always do what he can. He knows the ex is a **** up and he feels guilty the kid is being raised by a nut job so he is over compensating. I would bet he realizes the ex is taking advantage of him but feels it's a price he is willing to pay to make his daughter comfortable. You can argue that new grass in the yard doesn't help the daughter but I disagree, now she has a home with a nice lawn and isn't subject to ridicule from other kids for living in a trashy looking home.

I feel sorry for the guy, he is torn and trying to make everyone happy. You can call him a doormat if you wish, I think he believes the consequences of not being involved would have a negative impact on his daughters life.

Not saying I agree, but do understand.
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: My husband is obsessed with/feels responsible for his ex

I'll add to the chorus. I am divorced and remarried with two of my children being from my first marriage. The vast majority of the people I know are also divorced with children from their previous marriages. While I know a couple of folks who have a friendly relationship with their ex's, inviting them and their SO's over for BBQ and occasional gatherings, most only speak when it is something related to the children's health, safety, or education and the occasional scheduling issue. So, no, you defintiely aren't just being insecure and jealous.

Have you thought about contacting his ex directly, discussing the issue with her, and staging an intervention of sorts? You stated that your H's ex has not asked him for help and has acted skittish around him, clearly indicating she doesn't want the same level of contact he is comfortable with. She could be an ally here.

Also, I'd tell her about her beau being married as gently and as soon as possible. It's the decent thing to do. After that, whatever happens between her and the MM is between her, the MM, and his wife.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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