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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:55 AM Thread Starter
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Husband disappointed in me

I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married. Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that. Gradually he began to detach himself and from time to time he implied that he was disappointment in a lot of things about me. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, but gradually he seems to have lost his attraction. But he is a really great husband, he is soft spoken, caring, tries his best to make me happy. I was the *****y one at the beginning, would keep him up all night to watch movies and sometimes I would even wake him up to play chess with me. You see, I suffer from insomnia and can't sleep at night. I also used to yell a lot and said stuff that hurt him. At one point he started developing a resentment (he admitted it oneday, it kind of slipped) and then I moved out. And then we had a lot of discussions, I apologized, I asked him what I could do so he could get past his resentment, and I told him to give our marriage another shot and to try our best - but only if he still loved me, wanted me and needed me like in the beginning. To that he said that he needed some time to think (part of that thinking was asking himself if he really loved me), that we shouldn't communicate for three days, and after that he'll get back to me with an answer. The next day he texted me that he did love me and that we should give it another shot and to try our best. So now we are both trying our best. I no longer fight with him or say anything that might hurt him (I did fight a lot in the beginning), I am actually going to bed when it's bedtime, I try not to baby-talk and act mature (although I fail at this from time to time). This is all good because it is helping me grow, and it's about time I grew up and started acting my age and it really is helping me become a better person. He is also trying very hard to be loving and caring and affectionate. But this is the problem I am having: trying to be the girl of his dreams is stressing me out and it makes me sad when I can tell that I am not the girl of his dreams. Believe me when I say I am not imagining it. I feel that he is not really happy. And the biggest problem is, we have almost stopped having sex unless I initiate it. He says he'll see a doctor but I doubt he has any physical problem. He cuddles me at night, kisses me, but it all feels very platonic. It feels like he is doing it because I expect him to and he is giving this marriage "his best shot". But he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me his ***** until oneday I told him (not nicely) that I was not his ***** and not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects a ***** in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me a ***** and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:21 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

How old are you and your husband?

Did you get another job? Are you working now?

It sounds like BOTH you have your faults.


Your husband does not sound like a wonder husband, he sounds like a mean, emotionally abusive man. From what you have said, he puts you down a lot. Thatís not loving at all.


Now I get that you have issues too. Yelling at him a lot is not good at all.


A LOT of women, mature women, baby talk when they are playing around with the man in their lives. Iíve been with men who do it as well. This is not a sign of immaturity. Itís a sign that you are playful.


You are wrong that all men like calling the woman they are with a ***** and slapping her. If my husband did that to me, it would be the last time we had sex. I donít think that is cute, or playful.


Thatís not what they mean when they say that a man wants his wife to be a ***** in the bedroom. What is meant by that is that most men want their wife to really like sex and want it often. Not that men want their wife to allow themselves to be hit and called ***** and other names.


This guy mistreats you. You put up with it and have let him completely destroy your self-confidence.


Please get into counseling at an organization that helps women who are in abusive relationships. Your husband is an emotionally abusive man. And the slapping you and calling you a ***** means that he is also physically abusive.

Have you ever slapped him back? Or just slapped him? How would he react? Would he thing that was cute or sexy?

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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:38 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

I agree with Elle, you both got married without getting to know each other first. You should not give up your job, you should get another job and retain your independence in this marriage.
Your H may come accross as soft spoken etc but from what you are saying he sounds pretty controlling and his treatment of you in the bedroom doesn't sound very loving.

Please reestablish your independence and get counselling for yourself. No doubt you have some work to do on yourself (we all do) but try and keep an even keel in your marriage till you decide what to do after counselling.
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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:15 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

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Originally Posted by immatureWife View Post
I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married. Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that. Gradually he began to detach himself and from time to time he implied that he was disappointment in a lot of things about me. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, but gradually he seems to have lost his attraction. But he is a really great husband, he is soft spoken, caring, tries his best to make me happy. I was the *****y one at the beginning, would keep him up all night to watch movies and sometimes I would even wake him up to play chess with me. You see, I suffer from insomnia and can't sleep at night. I also used to yell a lot and said stuff that hurt him. At one point he started developing a resentment (he admitted it oneday, it kind of slipped) and then I moved out. And then we had a lot of discussions, I apologized, I asked him what I could do so he could get past his resentment, and I told him to give our marriage another shot and to try our best - but only if he still loved me, wanted me and needed me like in the beginning. To that he said that he needed some time to think (part of that thinking was asking himself if he really loved me), that we shouldn't communicate for three days, and after that he'll get back to me with an answer. The next day he texted me that he did love me and that we should give it another shot and to try our best. So now we are both trying our best. I no longer fight with him or say anything that might hurt him (I did fight a lot in the beginning), I am actually going to bed when it's bedtime, I try not to baby-talk and act mature (although I fail at this from time to time). This is all good because it is helping me grow, and it's about time I grew up and started acting my age and it really is helping me become a better person. He is also trying very hard to be loving and caring and affectionate. But this is the problem I am having: trying to be the girl of his dreams is stressing me out and it makes me sad when I can tell that I am not the girl of his dreams. Believe me when I say I am not imagining it. I feel that he is not really happy. And the biggest problem is, we have almost stopped having sex unless I initiate it. He says he'll see a doctor but I doubt he has any physical problem. He cuddles me at night, kisses me, but it all feels very platonic. It feels like he is doing it because I expect him to and he is giving this marriage "his best shot". But he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me his ***** until oneday I told him (not nicely) that I was not his ***** and not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects a ***** in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me a ***** and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
Hi @immatureWife

Thanks for your post and your honesty.

I do agree with the others in that, your husband could do a lot better in terms of his behaviour and his treatment of you. There are much better ways of handling things than saying that you are immature and so on.

Now, with all that mind, what I will say is that, you need to ensure that you maintain some standards of how you want to be treated. This is absolutely imperative when you are in a relationship because when we are constantly trying to be the 'perfect' partner, we tend to lose our sense of self in the relationship by sacrificing important parts of ourself. In the long run, this only destroys our confidence and leads us to becoming more resentful.

So I honour you for wanting to be a great partner and try to meet his needs, but to me, the approach you're taking is out of balance and will only hurt you in the long run.

If he is genuinely coming to the party and showing empathy, compassion and love towards you and you are both aligned in terms of where you want the relationship to go, then wonderful. Just don't sacrifice parts of yourself to try and please him.

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:50 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

I lost all sympathy for your husband when you revealed the fact that he slaps you and uses an insulting term to describe you.

Your habits are describable as cute or irritating. Probably sometimes at the same time.

But your husband sounds like a real piece of work.

It is not you. It is him.


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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:53 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

You said in the beginning you had lots of sex and didn't date much. I'm guessing you two mistook lust for love, happens all the time. You admit you are not the woman your husband thought you were, so now not only is he disappointed in you he's disappointed in himself for marrying you. That doesn't necessarily make either of you bad people, just two people who moved way to quickly at getting married.

I think the two of you need to sit down and examine compatibility, maybe there are issues that can be worked at, but frankly if you two are miles apart in maturity and life philosophies it may be best to say "sorry, we made a mistake".
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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 06:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

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I agree with Elle, you both got married without getting to know each other first. You should not give up your job, you should get another job and retain your independence in this marriage.
Your H may come accross as soft spoken etc but from what you are saying he sounds pretty controlling and his treatment of you in the bedroom doesn't sound very loving.

Please reestablish your independence and get counselling for yourself. No doubt you have some work to do on yourself (we all do) but try and keep an even keel in your marriage till you decide what to do after counselling.
Thank you all for your kind replies. Actually one of the reasons that I gave up my job is because I own an apartment and also have another source of income. I have lately taken a lot of interest in photography and I am really enjoying it. I just needed a break from that job and do something that I really enjoy doing. It is not like I have been financially burdening my husband or anything. I let go off my chauffeur so I won't have to ask him for any financial help.
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

OP,
As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.

Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.

I seriously doubt that your H will be able to accept this long term. The marriage is young and there are no children involved and it may be prudent to chalk this up to irreconcilable differences and move on. I sincerely wish I could tell you to simply grow up and behave like a mature adult but that is not possible for you to do, I know whereof I speak.

You mentioned another source of income and the fact that you "let your chauffeur go" so I assume you came from privilege. Almost without exception those that are not forced to use their cognitive function and face hardship early in life, during the developmental years, never fully mature intellectually, hence the current condition of society.

I truly regret having to say this regarding your situation but I sincerely feel it to be the truth. I do not believe that you will ever have a mature relationship but if you find someone with similar developmental characteristics you may well find happiness at that level and if you do indeed have abundant financial resources, it may work out quite well. I do not however believe that it can be found with your H if he is indeed notably more mature. I wish you good fortune.

Peace and long life
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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

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I lost all sympathy for your husband when you revealed the fact that he slaps you and uses an insulting term to describe you.

Your habits are describable as cute or irritating. Probably sometimes at the same time.

But your husband sounds like a real piece of work.

It is not you. It is him.
Well said.
I baby talk my dog and it drives my husband nuts so I understand how some of your quirks can either adorable or annoying and I was almost ready to split the "blame" between you and your husband at 50/50, but the domestic abuse is just completely unacceptable!
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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

Give the marriage some time and effort. If you don't want him to do something (slap you and call you dirty names) then you have to address that right away and not tolerate it if he does it again. You guys need to teach each other how you like to be treated. And if you love the other person you would do things that make them happy without compromising yourself. But this is a 2 way street. He needs to learn how to make you happy just like you have to.

If something you do annoys him, try not to do it. But at the same time you need to be true to yourself. If you feel like your turning into someone else so he will like you then stop. Be you, but take him into consideration and if it's meant to work it will. Don't let him manipulate you into being someone your not.

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post #11 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.

Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.

I seriously doubt that your H will be able to accept this long term. The marriage is young and there are no children involved and it may be prudent to chalk this up to irreconcilable differences and move on. I sincerely wish I could tell you to simply grow up and behave like a mature adult but that is not possible for you to do, I know whereof I speak.

You mentioned another source of income and the fact that you "let your chauffeur go" so I assume you came from privilege. Almost without exception those that are not forced to use their cognitive function and face hardship early in life, during the developmental years, never fully mature intellectually, hence the current condition of society.

I truly regret having to say this regarding your situation but I sincerely feel it to be the truth. I do not believe that you will ever have a mature relationship but if you find someone with similar developmental characteristics you may well find happiness at that level and if you do indeed have abundant financial resources, it may work out quite well. I do not however believe that it can be found with your H if he is indeed notably more mature. I wish you good fortune.
If this is how you feel about her, you should leave her.

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post #12 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

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post #13 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

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Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.

Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.

I seriously doubt that your H will be able to accept this long term. The marriage is young and there are no children involved and it may be prudent to chalk this up to irreconcilable differences and move on. I sincerely wish I could tell you to simply grow up and behave like a mature adult but that is not possible for you to do, I know whereof I speak.

You mentioned another source of income and the fact that you "let your chauffeur go" so I assume you came from privilege. Almost without exception those that are not forced to use their cognitive function and face hardship early in life, during the developmental years, never fully mature intellectually, hence the current condition of society.

I truly regret having to say this regarding your situation but I sincerely feel it to be the truth. I do not believe that you will ever have a mature relationship but if you find someone with similar developmental characteristics you may well find happiness at that level and if you do indeed have abundant financial resources, it may work out quite well. I do not however believe that it can be found with your H if he is indeed notably more mature. I wish you good fortune.
You spoke about intellectual development, so just for your information, I hold a masters degree from one of the top highly competitive business schools and held a high managerial position in the largest NGO of the world. And I didn't achieve these using my resources or my connections. Not trying to get defensive here, but a lot of people seem to be judging me because I quit my job. Everybody has a right to their opinion, and I respect everybody's opinion. But my philosophy in life is that, in my deathbed, I wouldn't regret that I didn't spend more time at the office. Life is short. I believe people in their deathbeds regret not having spent more time with their family and friends and hobbies and not quitting a job that they hated.

Please tell your wife how deeply sorry I am for her and I hope with all my heart that she finds someone who would value and appreciate her. Someone who understands that marriage is an institution where you make a commitment "for better or for worse" and would love her unconditionally.

Just a quick question: I come from a society where pre-marrital sex or even dating too much before you get married is not allowed or approved of. I couldn't even kiss my husband before we got married (people actually sometimes get arrested if you kiss in public from where I come from). But I am guessing this was not the case for you. Why did you get into a "till death do us apart" commitment to her then? Also, I am curious to know if everything about you is perfect. I am not trying to be offensive here, just that I know a lot of women whose husbands' tummies have grown after marriage and who have smelly feet, but they don't go around complaining about these. So I am curious to know if you have any of these issues and if your wife keeps complaining or expressing her disappointments about these things. I always recommend men who find their wives to be "not intellectual enough" or "not serious enough" to watch the movie "Legally blonde". Please let her go instead of demeaning her like this. Tell her I said these and hopefully she'll feel better (this will probably also establish just how immature I really am):

Girl I understand
That you're scared
And you feel that you might never love again
But baby that ain't true
No no no
I know that there's someone there for you
Someone that will see
That you are worth
An undiscovered treasure on this earth
Girl you know you're worth so much more
I wanna see you out that door
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post #14 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:42 AM
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.

Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.

I seriously doubt that your H will be able to accept this long term. The marriage is young and there are no children involved and it may be prudent to chalk this up to irreconcilable differences and move on. I sincerely wish I could tell you to simply grow up and behave like a mature adult but that is not possible for you to do, I know whereof I speak.

You mentioned another source of income and the fact that you "let your chauffeur go" so I assume you came from privilege. Almost without exception those that are not forced to use their cognitive function and face hardship early in life, during the developmental years, never fully mature intellectually, hence the current condition of society.

I truly regret having to say this regarding your situation but I sincerely feel it to be the truth. I do not believe that you will ever have a mature relationship but if you find someone with similar developmental characteristics you may well find happiness at that level and if you do indeed have abundant financial resources, it may work out quite well. I do not however believe that it can be found with your H if he is indeed notably more mature. I wish you good fortune.

No choice I think you are making a lot of assumptions and projecting your own scenario onto hers.
I would say you yourself sound lacking in intellect and common sense marrying someone who is not your equal, how did that happen or where you so blinded by lust you didn't figure that out before you put a ring on it?
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post #15 of 38 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband disappointed in me

Oh GOD after reading all the replies on this forum and this other one, I feel miserable. But I needed it. After reading all the posts I realize what an annoying, irritating person I am. Maybe they would have been cute if I were still in my teens but not at this age. Maybe cute to my parents who have over-pampered me all my life and some of my friends, but not to a spouse. Some of my friends did imply from time to time that my mother crippled me and about my annoying habits but I never paid attention. Other facts that I didn't reveal. I am sure you'll all now understand who is the one at fault, but I really need to hear. I really need to hear the brutal truth about myself:

1. I have always had my own washroom and nobody is allowed to use it. I never use public toilets or anybody else's for that matter. My husband agreed to give me my own washroom at his place before we got married. When he comes over to my place, he is only allowed to pee in my toilet (he is the first person who has been given that permission although before we tied the knot I told him he wouldn't be allowed to do so either). Perhaps I have some sort of OCD.

2. I made it clear to him (before we tied the knot) that I would never give him a BJ. He said that was okay. I have never given it to any man and I don't believe I ever would be able to. Even if I have to stay single for the rest of my life. I told him so several times and also the fact that I was horrible in bed. Now when we're having sex (or used to) he asks me from time to time if I would swallow his cum and I say "yes" just to keep him aroused, but after we are done I tell him "I hope you realize that I would never do it and I just said yes so you could have a fantasy about it". I did like it when he got down on me perhaps three or four times, but the thought of all the germs getting inside his mouth really made me uncomfortable and so I couldn't enjoy that either. So I don't mind whether he gets down on me or not. But again, I offered to give him one once or twice given that he showered and I got drunk, but he was very nice and said that I didn't have to do something that I didn't want to do.
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