I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married. Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that. Gradually he began to detach himself and from time to time he implied that he was disappointment in a lot of things about me. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, but gradually he seems to have lost his attraction. But he is a really great husband, he is soft spoken, caring, tries his best to make me happy. I was the *****y one at the beginning, would keep him up all night to watch movies and sometimes I would even wake him up to play chess with me. You see, I suffer from insomnia and can't sleep at night. I also used to yell a lot and said stuff that hurt him. At one point he started developing a resentment (he admitted it oneday, it kind of slipped) and then I moved out. And then we had a lot of discussions, I apologized, I asked him what I could do so he could get past his resentment, and I told him to give our marriage another shot and to try our best - but only if he still loved me, wanted me and needed me like in the beginning. To that he said that he needed some time to think (part of that thinking was asking himself if he really loved me), that we shouldn't communicate for three days, and after that he'll get back to me with an answer. The next day he texted me that he did love me and that we should give it another shot and to try our best. So now we are both trying our best. I no longer fight with him or say anything that might hurt him (I did fight a lot in the beginning), I am actually going to bed when it's bedtime, I try not to baby-talk and act mature (although I fail at this from time to time). This is all good because it is helping me grow, and it's about time I grew up and started acting my age and it really is helping me become a better person. He is also trying very hard to be loving and caring and affectionate. But this is the problem I am having: trying to be the girl of his dreams is stressing me out and it makes me sad when I can tell that I am not the girl of his dreams. Believe me when I say I am not imagining it. I feel that he is not really happy. And the biggest problem is, we have almost stopped having sex unless I initiate it. He says he'll see a doctor but I doubt he has any physical problem. He cuddles me at night, kisses me, but it all feels very platonic. It feels like he is doing it because I expect him to and he is giving this marriage "his best shot". But he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me his ***** until oneday I told him (not nicely) that I was not his ***** and not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects a ***** in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me a ***** and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
Thanks for your post and your honesty.
I do agree with the others in that, your husband could do a lot better in terms of his behaviour and his treatment of you. There are much better ways of handling things than saying that you are immature and so on.
Now, with all that mind, what I will say is that, you need to ensure that you maintain some standards of how you want to be treated. This is absolutely imperative when you are in a relationship because when we are constantly trying to be the 'perfect' partner, we tend to lose our sense of self in the relationship by sacrificing important parts of ourself. In the long run, this only destroys our confidence and leads us to becoming more resentful.
So I honour you for wanting to be a great partner and try to meet his needs, but to me, the approach you're taking is out of balance and will only hurt you in the long run.
If he is genuinely coming to the party and showing empathy, compassion and love towards you and you are both aligned in terms of where you want the relationship to go, then wonderful. Just don't sacrifice parts of yourself to try and please him.
Hope that makes sense.
Any questions, please let me know.