It still hurts - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 35Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
It still hurts

Two years ago my husband of 9 years had an affair with my best friend. It supposedly lasted about 5 weeks, although how can I really know. The best friend that he did this with is someone that I helped out on so many different levels. She was newly divorced, I helped watch her kids. I employed her, she needed the money. I would get her dressed up and get ready for dates... Her and I were a lot alike and spent a ton of time together. My husband did not understand why we liked each other. Always insisted it was strange how well we got along. I never minded the 2 of them spending time together, around work or hanging out at cook outs at our house. I never thought twice about it. During the affair, she would come over to my place while he was away working and listen to my woe's about my troubling marriage. How something was "just off" and I couldn't seem to pin point it.

She constantly volunteered to watch my kids and help around my house so that my husband and I could spend some "quality time" together. The whole while she was slowing moving into my shoes. Learning the ins and outs of my marriage and my life. When the affair came out, I kicked him out of the house for 3 weeks. He begged for me to give him a second chance. Said he never went back to her. He said he went straight to his mother's house where he stayed until I allowed him back into my home, downstairs.

We have been through counseling, and he still regularly attends. He has made a strong effort to repair what he broke, and some days are okay. Some days are even good. You see, we have 3 boys they are 6, 9, & 11. They are my ENTIRE world. They are the ONLY reason I stayed and agreed to counseling and seeing if things could work.

They have for the most part. But it still hurts like hell. I feel like it should be better by now. We have a new house, we live a new life, our kids are very happy and they have two parents that are best friends now. More than we ever have been before.

He says he loves me. Says he has some sort of sex addiction. We hardly ever have sex, in fact, it's been several months since we have been intimate with each other. He claims that having sex with me (or anyone) makes him want it more, and feels that he can't control himself. I am trying so hard to understand where he is coming from, trying to be patient. But I feel like this is just too much for me. These past 2 years he has put an incredible amount of effort into becoming a good father and great friend. But it's not enough for me. I want a husband who loves and desires me. He does hold my hand, he gives me hugs, snuggles on the couch with me, even will lean in for a long kiss occasionally - but that's where it ends.

So I think, Ill leave. I just can't do all of this. I can't accept the affair, be the best friend to my husband, always smile and pretend like it's okay that we aren't intimate. And then, I feel like such a horrible selfish person. It's just sex, right? So what if we are not intimate with each other, we have a wonderful friendship. My kids know an amazing family, one that hardly ever argues and talks everything out. They have two great parents to look up to.

How can I either move on, or accept this new non-intimate lifestyle? If I move on, how can I possibly justify tearing my otherwise happy family apart? I want to be loved, desired, cared for so badly. But it seems so horribly selfish and all I can seem to think of is how much it will hurt my boys.


Last edited by MG84; 04-16-2017 at 03:46 PM.
MG84 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 03:23 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,363
Re: It still hurts

Sorry for what you are going through.

I think that his lack of intimacy with you is adding a lot to the way you feel. He’s really shooting himself in the foot doing that because sex serves a purpose in marriage. The purpose is to bind the two people together and to maintain a feeling of love. It causes feel good chemical changes in both of your brains that do this. Without sex, both of you will drift apart. It has happened.

He is saying that he has a sexual addiction. So, did he have a sexual addiction before cheating with your friend? If so, he must have been cheating all along. You only found out the last person he cheated with. Have you ever asked him how he acted our his sexual addiction throughout the entire time of your marriage?

Or is he using the term ‘sexual addiction’ so that he can justify not having sex with you? My bet is that this that he does not have a sexual addiction. He just does not want sex with you.

If I were you, I would divorce him. No sex means there is not a marriage.
EleGirl is offline  
post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Florida
Posts: 2
Re: It still hurts

He said he's always struggled with it. There have been other women, but I've caught it before it's been physical. He used to watch porn, but stopped bc it bothered me. I guess I thought I could be enough for him. If it was me, and only me, divorce would have happened long ago. But we have the kids, that's the part that I just can't even imagine, putting them through a divorce just because I want intimacy. Will the pain eventually fade? Will my desires go away?
MG84 is offline  
 
post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:02 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,363
Re: It still hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by MG84 View Post
He said he's always struggled with it. There have been other women, but I've caught it before it's been physical. He used to watch porn, but stopped bc it bothered me. I guess I thought I could be enough for him. If it was me, and only me, divorce would have happened long ago. But we have the kids, that's the part that I just can't even imagine, putting them through a divorce just because I want intimacy. Will the pain eventually fade? Will my desires go away?
That's the point, it's not "just sex". It's that you want a real relationship with your husband.

Have you read the Marriage Builder books? They might be able to help both of you.

Will the pain ever fade? If you both do the right things yes. And the right things include a satisfying sex life. Without the bond created by sex, which causes your brain to produce dopamine, oxytocin, etc, now it will never go away. Those brain chemicals help to make us forget the pain and make it go away. Humans are chemical engines, without the right chemicals, things remain raw and harsh.

Will the desires go way? When you get very old maybe. Certainly when you die. You are human after all.
EleGirl is offline  
post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:09 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,553
Re: It still hurts

No your desires wont go away because they are normal, and sex in marriage is very important.
Men will sometimes claim that have a sex addiction to try and justify their cheating, but surely if he does have, he would want lots of sex with you? Is he saying that if he has any sex with you at all, he will then cheat again because he cant control it?
Are you sure he isn't cheating now? You say you have caught him before, but how can you know it was before he actually had sex?
What does his counselor say about this?

I can fully under the devastation you feel, being betrayed by 2 people you loved.
Diana7 is online now  
post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 06:15 PM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,344
Cool Re: It still hurts

Once the line of marital infidelity has been broached by either spouse, "trust and honor," however fleeting, is and will never, ever be quite the same again, no matter the magnitude of positive rehabilitation!

Irregardless, a "question mark," along with the recurrent and nagging, "gut-punching" doubts, will forever remain a permanent fixture in the uncertain mind of the betrayed spouse, who had been so unconscionably and deceptively bilked and just cast aside, greatly in favor of the wayward spouse finding themselves a much easier "psychosexual energy" elsewhere, all under the flawed mantra of "Well, what they don't know won't exactly hurt them!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 04-17-2017 at 06:42 AM. Reason: Edification
arbitrator is online now  
post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,553
Re: It still hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Once the line of marital infidelity has been broached by either spouse, "trust and honor," however fleeting, is and will never, ever be quite the same again, no matter the magnitude of positive rehabilitation!
This is so true. Some may claim 'its better than it was before the affair'. For me it would never be the same. The trust and intimacy are smashed.
Diana7 is online now  
post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:46 AM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,897
Re: It still hurts

I see two potential stumbling blocks here...(in addition to all the other things a couple needs to do to try to recover from an affair). Firstly, it feels as though you're trying to get your marriage back to the "good old days", before the affair. Honey, that is never going to happen. While in some cases it is possible to repair and save a marriage after infidelity, it's never the same as it was before the affair. How could it be? One spouse broke the boundaries of the marriage and stepped outside...there will always be a crack in the foundation after something so monumental.

The other thing is the ENORMOUS issue of no sex. Marriage without sex is nothing more than two best friends rooming together. And it's not "just sex". In some ways it would make it easier if it were, but it isn't. Sex between a loving couple is the sweetest, most blissful thing in the world. It's something so sacred and special, shared with only that person, and that person is the only one in the world who sees that side of you. It builds intimacy, connection and trust. It's not "just sex" at all.

You have every right to expect a full, active sex life with your spouse. Every right - and honey, you only get one crack at this life...this isn't a dress rehearsal. This is it.

If your husband had become disabled and/or physically unable to have sex, my advice would be different, obviously, that's where love comes into the picture. But he's broken your marriage vows twice now - once by cheating, and again by ceasing to have sex "with thy body I thee worship"...it's in there for a reason.

Last edited by frusdil; 04-17-2017 at 05:50 AM. Reason: typo
frusdil is offline  
post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:07 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,160
Re: It still hurts

Logically thinking if he was a sex addict he would have worn you out before seeking it elsewhere?

It's like being a full blown drug addict but not taking that giant stash of drugs in the bathroom cabinet or an alcoholic with a fridge full of beer and vodka.

Doesn't really add up does it?
BobSimmons is offline  
post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:19 AM
Member
 
lucy999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Brownbackistan
Posts: 1,863
Re: It still hurts

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

But if you decided you could not live like this, you must understand that it would not be you breaking up the marriage. Your husband did that the moment he decided to cheat on you. This is on him. Not you. So whatever decision you make, I strongly urge you to change your line of thinking on this issue. Your husband broke up the family. You did not. This is all on him.

Also, You say there have been other attempts before this, and they had never gone physical. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what's next? What is around the corner?

Further still, the fact that your husband cheated on you with your best friend is even more abhorrent. How did that turn out? Do you guys even speak anymore?

I'm so sorry. Just know that if you decide to leave, your kids will be fine. This is on your husband. Not you. Take that blame away from yourself. please.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

lucy999 is offline  
post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:14 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 598
Re: It still hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by MG84 View Post
He says he loves me. Says he has some sort of sex addiction. We hardly ever have sex, in fact, it's been several months since we have been intimate with each other. He claims that having sex with me (or anyone) makes him want it more, and feels that he can't control himself. I am trying so hard to understand where he is coming from, trying to be patient. But I feel like this is just too much for me. These past 2 years he has put an incredible amount of effort into becoming a good father and great friend. But it's not enough for me. I want a husband who loves and desires me.
The LEAST he can do is produce a lie more believable than this steaming pile of manure. Is there a cheater left in this world who DOESN'T try to cop to the 'sex addict' excuse? It's just gotten so damned old. And he's such an idiot that he doesn't even know the true description of what a sex addict actually is.

So his excuse for having no desire for you is that he's afraid to start having sex with you because his "addiction" will be jump-started and cause him to go crazy wanting more and more sex? How do you keep a straight face when this fool starts spewing this garbage?

Forgiveness and reconciliation are a GIFT you gave to this cheater. That doesn't mean that YOU have to settle for his lying crumbs or his inability to be intimate with you. He's damned lucky he wasn't thrown out the door and he's ALSO damned lucky you're even willing to have sex with his worthless ass, because I sure wouldn't touch him if it were me. Instead, he's feeding your pure bull**** because he's no longer attracted to you after his affair.. Don't settle for that.

Quote:
How can I either move on, or accept this new non-intimate lifestyle? If I move on, how can I possibly justify tearing my otherwise happy family apart? I want to be loved, desired, cared for so badly. But it seems so horribly selfish and all I can seem to think of is how much it will hurt my boys.
Stop falling on the sword for your kids. You gain nothing by being a martyr. There isn't a parent who divorced who didn't feel JUST like you. No one wants to hurt their children or break up the family. So your choices are to stay with a lying cheater who disrespected you with your best friend AND has tried numerous times to cheat on you with others (and probably has cheated with women you just don't KNOW about) and whose giving you a line of bull**** about why he's not interested in you sexually, or move on to a better life without a serial cheater.

I'd be picking the latter.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:38 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,190
Re: It still hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
This is so true. Some may claim 'its better than it was before the affair'. For me it would never be the same. The trust and intimacy are smashed.
I agree, I don't see how it could be the same or better. I would think that trust would always be an issue and in the back of your mind, a constant worry. If you continue in the marriage you would have to agree to live with that everyday.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:52 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,723
Re: It still hurts

You've been told what I would've said. Even elegirl was likeminded with me here.

He's lying about the reason for no sex with you. He's likely getting it elsewhere.
You're friends? Well, you aren't lovers.

You have been a damn good wife.
Better than most.
He has been a despicable piece of trash.

You have every right to divorce him. He lied to you with the cheating, now he's cheating you further with no intimacy.

You are correct, and morally in the right to divorce him.

This guy should be begging you for a chance at sex with his wife.

Just think about this--/ your friend was good enough for sex with him. Now you're NOT??????

I would divorce him with a smile.

Your kids don't need to be around an ******* like your husband
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:10 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,949
Re: It still hurts

Sometimes no matter how much a betrayed spouse wants to reconcile, forgive, and move forward, they just CANT. There is no shame in that, either. You have put forth a massive effort, but your H's bullcrap about "sex addiction" and refusing to be intimate is proof that his desires lie elsewhere, and you will always always be hurt by him. No one here is going to blame you for getting out. I believe that you should.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:19 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,949
Re: It still hurts

Quote:
Originally Posted by MG84 View Post
He said he's always struggled with it. There have been other women, but I've caught it before it's been physical. He used to watch porn, but stopped bc it bothered me. I guess I thought I could be enough for him. If it was me, and only me, divorce would have happened long ago. But we have the kids, that's the part that I just can't even imagine, putting them through a divorce just because I want intimacy. Will the pain eventually fade? Will my desires go away?
But you wouldnt be divorcing because you want initmacy... you would be divorcing because your husband chose to betray you, and has not honored his commitment to you. Stop taking the blame for this.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
No Sex Cheating hurts just as much..text/email/phone jdesey General Relationship Discussion 40 04-16-2017 04:12 PM
It's a VERY fresh wound and it HURTS adegirl2016 Coping with Infidelity 284 04-11-2017 05:22 PM
Love hurts confusednAlone Coping with Infidelity 97 10-09-2016 05:36 PM
Confused so much it hurts Ret Considering Divorce or Separation 12 08-23-2016 09:43 PM
In love with someone else and it hurts Sagitarius Considering Divorce or Separation 13 05-07-2016 03:53 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome