No hopes to talk like adults - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
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Angry No hopes to talk like adults

Hi all,

This is my first post here and I am really sick of the pattern of ups and downs I have gotten stuck into. So any tips/ suggestions on improving MYSELF and not my husband (because who am I kidding, he won't change) is needed and more than welcome.

My husband of 1.5 year and I have a few reoccurring issues.
But let's go with one for now:

When I am pissed about something totally irrelevant to ourselves, he usually starts by asking what is going on. I answer and then there are two things he chooses to proceed with:
a) Make a few useless intimate moves, such as yesterday- bites my tummy or kissed my chicks with loud noises and proposed to watch something.
When I asked what this was all about his reaction was immediately defensive saying "what do I do then?"
I took a break and got back to him explaining that his reaction is not proper. That I expect him to at least listen to me when he is constantly on my back asking what is wrong.
He said Ok. and that was it. I told him that we need to restart and try to talk, not to passively pass on it. This now leaves me emotionally disturbed with the useless round of argument we just had. He said he prefers to talk when I am not angry. I agreed. A day later, nothing. So here I am.

b) Alternatively, we have had instances where in the middle of my explaining what has pissed me off, he comes in with a phrase about the general approaches I take, how I see the world, and how I judge people + yawns and noises and interruptions...So basically he gives me an intro to how I am making it difficult for myself.

Have I told him enough times what I need out of confiding in him? I believe enough times.

So what happens essentially, from my POV is that I am quite fine in my own world, having some casual problems with the world around me. Then I am asked persistently to open up, which I do and then it's a **** show.
I used to be persuasive about sorting things out with talking after half a day or a full day is passed. But now I really do not give a shoe about it.
What really matters to me at this point is to open up when I feel safe. Retrospectively, It seems to me that it does not really matter what is going on with me. It is about getting his anxiety down by having some sort of answer and then shrug it off.

I have done my share of three years of therapy to get where I am here. And I really do not want to risk it.

Additional note is that yes he does ventilate whenever he wants. In fact, he is suffering from a chronic condition which causes him pain occasionally. At those times our life is disrupted which is Ok. Moreover, he's starting his own business meaning this is the main and sometimes only topic of his life. Our lives generally revolves around his "critical" circumstances since we got married. I want to stay out of this and keep myself together.

It is to note that I am an expat and I do not have ANY social network here in Budapest. I moved less than two years ago and I have managed to get a decent job. I recently got promoted so my job is pretty much my only engagement. I do have a lot of difficulties with overcoming social anxiety and doing things alone. So you may imagine how much a poor network of social life + a demanding household which is not giving me enough emotional support looks scary to me.

I only want to find out how a lonely woman in my shoes can stay sane when there is similar confusing situations at home? What are the tricks to avoid the whole thing? Given that I do not think he'd see the point of my concerns.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: No hopes to talk like adults

Obviously he doesn't know how to talk to you about stuff, plus you're walking around mad until he asks what is wrong. Bad communication on both parts.

If you've given up on talking to him then take up a hobby or exercise... something to release that tension other than getting into another thing that will get you angry.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No hopes to talk like adults

Hi Chris,

Yes you are right we have trouble communicating.
Something interesting happened though. On the same evening he asked me why I do not tell him much about myself. His point was that he feels he rarely knows what is happening with me until it is so devastating that I cannot hide it anymore.

This was an interesting revelation for me.

Then we had a big quarrel about the role of talker vs. listener in a conversation where for him, as a listener, not having enough explicit information about the situation means that there is nothing to be done and he can quit the conversation.
It was about to become a big fuss, because I was insisting that I have the right to choose when/what details to share or not. And listener can be a good listener without any advice, but showing attention and empathy.

And then I gave him an example of the two types of people he has experience with (aka his family):
1- those who interrupt you to note that you are wrong, you are overreacting, you are making it up, it is not how it happened... etc
2- those who wait and try to find out why a situation has had a negative impression for you.

I told him of those days when he comes home quite worked up about his boss, saying that the boss is a dumb dude. When I ask why, he usually repeats it in a different wording not giving me the reason. Do I repeat my question?
NO. Because clearly he is not in the mindset to go over the technical reasons, I have to approach the topic from another angle until eventually he feels well enough to tell me what actually happened.
This whole example suddenly affected him. His face and tone of voice softened and he admitted that he had never thought of a conversation like that!

Seriously, I wonder sometimes... how is that even possible ? But still, I am very happy that at least we found a common ground.
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