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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:46 AM
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Re: Marriage to a spouse with Aspergers?

I'm waiting for my younger daughter to get into clinical rotations... She could bring mom for psychiatry rotation show and tell 😁...

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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Marriage to a spouse with Aspergers?

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I'm waiting for my younger daughter to get into clinical rotations... She could bring mom for psychiatry rotation show and tell 😁...
And my wife is a Doctor of Psychology!

Though she hasn't practiced in years.

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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Marriage to a spouse with Aspergers?

Well I AM a wife with Asperger's - diagnosed 4 years ago. One thing I can tell you is, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Meaning, it affects everyone differently.

I love to be touched/hugged by a very select few people: my husband, my children and my pets. Anyone else, I hate being touched by. Touching for me is a very intimate thing and it is an unwelcome false closeness from anyone else, even my parents, although I love them, I don't like to be touched by them.

I love the above-mentioned people very dearly so, yes, we can FEEL emotions. However, we're not always very good at expressing them.

I don't get hints. if you want me to do something you generally have to tell me explicitly.

When I am happy and everyone else around me is happy, life is good.

However, I don't deal well with negative emotions. People think we have no empathy, but the general view among the autistic community is that in fact we have too much empathy. We feel other people's emotions, we absorb them like a sponge. It's almost ESP-like. So when faced with negative emotions, that backwash is so unpleasant we shut down and try to shut it out, which is why we come across sometimes as Spock-like. I don't know how to react when faced with negative emotions. My natural reactions generally are not well-received so I end up asking how the person wants me to react. I've been known to hide under a blanket with my hands over my ears to hide from and shut out the negativity. If I can't shut it out, then it leads to meltdown, which is not pretty. That's when all the negativity I've been trying to suppress comes out in me and I lose control. Luckily it doesn't happen very often.

One of my biggest problems with relationships is conflict resolution. Partly because of the above reactions to the other person's negative emotions, partly because generally I don't know what it is I've done wrong and they generally don't actually TELL me), and partly because I don't have the first clue how to fix it.

Getting a diagnosis was very useful for me because it explained a whole lot about my difficulties and why I have them.

If your wife is receptive, get her to do the Aspie Quiz: Aspie Quiz

Then if the results indicate she may have Asperger's, she needs to go her doctor with the results of the quiz and any other evidence, and ask for a referral for a diagnosis.

I hope that's been some help to you. If you have any questions, please ask.
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage to a spouse with Aspergers?

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Originally Posted by rubydoobs View Post
Well I AM a wife with Asperger's - diagnosed 4 years ago. One thing I can tell you is, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Meaning, it affects everyone differently.

I love to be touched/hugged by a very select few people: my husband, my children and my pets. Anyone else, I hate being touched by. Touching for me is a very intimate thing and it is an unwelcome false closeness from anyone else, even my parents, although I love them, I don't like to be touched by them.

I love the above-mentioned people very dearly so, yes, we can FEEL emotions. However, we're not always very good at expressing them.

I don't get hints. if you want me to do something you generally have to tell me explicitly.

When I am happy and everyone else around me is happy, life is good.

However, I don't deal well with negative emotions. People think we have no empathy, but the general view among the autistic community is that in fact we have too much empathy. We feel other people's emotions, we absorb them like a sponge. It's almost ESP-like. So when faced with negative emotions, that backwash is so unpleasant we shut down and try to shut it out, which is why we come across sometimes as Spock-like. I don't know how to react when faced with negative emotions. My natural reactions generally are not well-received so I end up asking how the person wants me to react. I've been known to hide under a blanket with my hands over my ears to hide from and shut out the negativity. If I can't shut it out, then it leads to meltdown, which is not pretty. That's when all the negativity I've been trying to suppress comes out in me and I lose control. Luckily it doesn't happen very often.

One of my biggest problems with relationships is conflict resolution. Partly because of the above reactions to the other person's negative emotions, partly because generally I don't know what it is I've done wrong and they generally don't actually TELL me), and partly because I don't have the first clue how to fix it.

Getting a diagnosis was very useful for me because it explained a whole lot about my difficulties and why I have them.

If your wife is receptive, get her to do the Aspie Quiz: Aspie Quiz

Then if the results indicate she may have Asperger's, she needs to go her doctor with the results of the quiz and any other evidence, and ask for a referral for a diagnosis.

I hope that's been some help to you. If you have any questions, please ask.
Great response! Thanks so very much for the post!

If you don't mind my asking, you mentioned not minding being touched by those who are close to you. Just wondering if even that touching has to be in small doses, or if it really doesn't bother you at all, in any amount? Does it effect your intimacy with your husband? And, before you met your husband, did it effect your ability to be intimate with men you dated?

How does your husband handle conflicts and negative energy so that you don't feel overwhelmed?

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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:00 AM
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Re: Marriage to a spouse with Aspergers?

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Great response! Thanks so very much for the post!

If you don't mind my asking, you mentioned not minding being touched by those who are close to you. Just wondering if even that touching has to be in small doses, or if it really doesn't bother you at all, in any amount?
Touch reaffirms our emotional closeness. Most evenings when the kids have gone to bed, my husband will lie with his head in my lap on a cushion and we'll snuggle. That's nice. I think there's always such a thing as too mich touch for anyone, I mean if he was literally constantly clinging to me like a limpet, or the kids were, and I had to physically drag him around with me, then that would be too much, but I'm deliberately over-exaggerating there.

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Does it effect your intimacy with your husband? And, before you met your husband, did it effect your ability to be intimate with men you dated?
I actually have a high sex drive so if anything I like sex more often than my husband. it used to cause problems as I used to interpret him not wanting to have sex at times as a rejection of me, of him not loving me. I used to get very upset. As for other men, I went through a bit of a one night stand phase in my 20s, but that was ultimately unsatisfying. I have to be emotionally comfortable with someone before I can be intimate with them, which takes as long as it takes.

I belong to a FB ladies Aspie group and we talk about stuff, trying to work out if certain behaviours are an "Aspie-thing" or not. A lot of Aspies are all or nothing when it comes to sex and physical closeness. It stems from hypersensitivity, for me, it's something I enjoy, others can be totally asexual.

I loathe being tickled though and I can't be touched when I'm trying to get to sleep. Pre-sleep cuddles are fine, but once we turn over to go to sleep - it's touch-me-not!

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How does your husband handle conflicts and negative energy so that you don't feel overwhelmed?
Ah, that's something we're still working on. He doesn't handle conflict very well either. He used to be quite verbally abusive when he got angry and my reactions didn't help. We went for counselling and they told him he was abusive and he went on an anger management course which helped a lot. Now when he's angry he just goes silent on me, which is unpleasant but preferable to the abuse. That's what's brought me here actually, I was going to look for advice on how to break through the silent treatment, and I found this thread instead.

We've been living apart and we felt things were a LOT better between us so we've just bought a house together for the first time and we've been here less than a month so to be getting the silent treatment already is disheartening.

Last edited by rubydoobs; 04-21-2017 at 01:01 AM. Reason: Fixed tag
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