I can't say that I've ever been in a relationship with someone with Aspberger's, and I don't think that I could be. I require a lot of physical touch and want to be close to my partner all the time, or as much as possible. (Which, fortunately, my guy is ok with, because he knows it's important to me.) And empathy is also very important to me, because I need to be heard
. Oddly enough, I get along very well with people with Aspberger's on a platonic level and enjoy their company--I think it is because they are less
emotional, which makes them easier for me to deal with than other people.
Obviously, your wife's behavior isn't going to change, it's part of who she is. My best friend, whose brother has Aspberger's (with whom I get along with very well, he apparently likes me more than any of her other friends), says that she has to explicitly TELL him what she needs out of a particular exchange, like "I need a hug" or "I just need you to listen and be supportive." He's learned what some of the motions and the right things to say are, but primarily she's learned that she may love him, but he can't give her the same type of brotherly love and support that a brother without Aspberger's could. But she can better rely on him for other things. Like, when she got married, she was freaking out/having second thoughts beforehand and something went wrong with one of the vendors; he couldn't help with the freakout (I took care of that), but I was able to say to him, "I need you to go do X, Y, and Z to take care of the vendor thing." And he did it promptly and without any sense of panic.
I guess my point is this... being in a relationship with someone with Aspberger's isn't easy, because they have their limitations. I think that maybe you have to appreciate the strengths that come out of these limitations, and be direct in what you need. I bet your wife is really good in a crisis, and is really good at following "instructions." So, maybe what you have to do is emphasize the good and downplay the bad. If you can explain to her what your cues are and what you need when, maybe she can start acting on those cues so you don't have to prompt her all the time. They won't necessarily be genuine, emotional, empathetic reactions, but they will be authentic in that she is trying to meet your needs.
I hope someone else has more specific, experience-based advice for you.