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post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

I never liked him before because of his conversations. Back then he always made these really offensive jokes against Christ and women. And it offended me both as a Christian and a woman. Also I was pretty much sheltered and at that time in life I had never heard anyone speak that way. As such whenever he came around my friends I left. A friend later told me that he only spoke that way when I was around because it angered me, and that I should just ignored him. But I never could stomach it his jokes as such I never stayed around his company.

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post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

Yeah i agree. I do avoid him but my husband gets upset because he says I am being childish. He is convinced it is nothing and that it is all in my head. It frustrates me because I don't feel like my husband is taking my feelings into consideration and trying to protect me from his friend. It's like he leaving me out in the cold, which is unusual for him. He is always protective and gentle with me, but when it comes to Chris it's like I am the enemy.
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post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

It sounds to me like you are likely blowing this out of proportion. Go on the vacation and enjoy yourself, stop focusing on this guy. If he actually finally comes onto you for real, then you deal with it, simple as that. Shut him down. Maybe if you lightened up a little, he would just leave you alone, because it sounds like he says things simply to get a rise out of you most of the time.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

I have never been in a relationship with anyone but my husband. He was my first everything. So my issue at is not about the sexual side of it all because in truth I can't see beyond my husband in that regard. And I have never analyzed my feelings for Chris outside of my disdain towards him. On a conscious level I am not attracted to him or feel flattered by his attention.

What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy and yeah, it is time to move past the past because we are all grown up, with families now and have changed. We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband. Once I had to look after a problem for him and I communicated to him through my husband even though he would have texted me directly. And even then I made sure I showed my husband his messages. It's not like he is troll, he quite an attractive man, its just that I feel insulted and betrayed by his actions and the fact that he is doing right in front of my husband pisses me off. The sad part of it all is that my husband didn't even know he was talking about me, he had forgotten about the moles on my lip, the one by my eyes and my dimples- SMH. My friend has neither of these things, so I don't think it was an innocent mistake.
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post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

sunshine,

Perhaps go in the other direction, allow it to progress to where he is texting you etc. Save all the incriminating messages, try and find out the names of other women he has cheated with.

Then send all of the correspondence to his wife, inform the husbands of other women has cheated with. Bingo problem solved. Don't threaten or warn anyone just do it. Enjoy the sting.

Consider it a public service like curing AIDs.

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post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
Yeah i agree. I do avoid him but my husband gets upset because he says I am being childish. He is convinced it is nothing and that it is all in my head. It frustrates me because I don't feel like my husband is taking my feelings into consideration and trying to protect me from his friend. It's like he leaving me out in the cold, which is unusual for him. He is always protective and gentle with me, but when it comes to Chris it's like I am the enemy.
First things first....trust your gut. It is never wrong. If your gut is screaming that something is not right then trust it!

Second, you H is protecting Chris. Your H should be listening to your concerns and address these concerns. Simply writing it off as you being crazy is less than stellar support from your H. Your H needs to check himself and put you first with your concerns. Nothing worse than your significant other not trusting what you are saying/feeling. Sure, everyone says Chris would not do such a thing. Does anyone REALLY know Chris and what he does or does not? Apparently Chris' actions around your dictate Chris does such things.

As someone suggested, keep your boundaries intact. Always do your best to keep you H in any conversation you might have with Chris.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

Your tactic of using your husband as a front man when dealing with Chris is very wise. Many problematic situations could have been avoided if others had done so. Have you read "Not Just Friends"? At this point keeping your boundaries is all you can do.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:02 PM
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My Husband's Best Friend

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
I have never been in a relationship with anyone but my husband. He was my first everything. So my issue at is not about the sexual side of it all because in truth I can't see beyond my husband in that regard. And I have never analyzed my feelings for Chris outside of my disdain towards him. On a conscious level I am not attracted to him or feel flattered by his attention.



What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy and yeah, it is time to move past the past because we are all grown up, with families now and have changed. We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband. Once I had to look after a problem for him and I communicated to him through my husband even though he would have texted me directly. And even then I made sure I showed my husband his messages. It's not like he is troll, he quite an attractive man, its just that I feel insulted and betrayed by his actions and the fact that he is doing right in front of my husband pisses me off. The sad part of it all is that my husband didn't even know he was talking about me, he had forgotten about the moles on my lip, the one by my eyes and my dimples- SMH. My friend has neither of these things, so I don't think it was an innocent mistake.

Hi actions are making you uncomfortable. That's all that you need to say to your husband. For this reason alone, you are right to let your husband know that you are implementing boundaries for yourself whenever Chris is around- and that means 1. You will not vacation in the same house with Chris. 2. You do not want to be alone with Chris. 3. You are willing to be around Chris and his wife as married couples, but only in limited amounts.

There's nothing wrong with this. Your husband doesn't have to agree with you or understand, he just needs to know that these are your boundaries for socializing with this friend and if they aren't possible, you will not be going on this vacation nor will Chris be staying in your home when he visits.


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post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

This is all quite brazen of Chris to pursue you right in front of your H and his family. What in the world can he hope to achieve by this other than a broken friendship and a divorce. I would bring this up to your H that he does make you uncomfortable and you don't want unfortunate things to happen because of it. Hopefully your H takes the hint and opts for at least a hotel.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy... We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband.

I think she LIKES him, likes him.

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post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
I have never been in a relationship with anyone but my husband. He was my first everything. So my issue at is not about the sexual side of it all because in truth I can't see beyond my husband in that regard. And I have never analyzed my feelings for Chris outside of my disdain towards him. On a conscious level I am not attracted to him or feel flattered by his attention.

What I have noticed is that he is much like my husband. The things that attracted me to my husband are qualities that they both share. In addition to that, Chris and I also have things in common like we are both into fitness, we both pay attention to details and our career paths are the same so we speak the same language and could better relate to each other. Those were the things that made me realize that yeah, this guy is a really nice guy and yeah, it is time to move past the past because we are all grown up, with families now and have changed. We were starting to build a good friendship, but not one that excluded my husband. Once I had to look after a problem for him and I communicated to him through my husband even though he would have texted me directly. And even then I made sure I showed my husband his messages. It's not like he is troll, he quite an attractive man, its just that I feel insulted and betrayed by his actions and the fact that he is doing right in front of my husband pisses me off. The sad part of it all is that my husband didn't even know he was talking about me, he had forgotten about the moles on my lip, the one by my eyes and my dimples- SMH. My friend has neither of these things, so I don't think it was an innocent mistake.
You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some of the same qualities you like on your husband, and that he's an attractive guy. I think you are attracted to him, possibly not consciously, and are looking for your husband to mate guard. It really is up to your husband to step up if you are maintaining boundaries and Chris does not get the hint.
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post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some of the same qualities you like on your husband, and that he's an attractive guy. I think you are attracted to him, possibly not consciously, and are looking for your husband to mate guard. It really is up to your husband to step up if you are maintaining boundaries and Chris does not get the hint.
Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.
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post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

Stop liking him again.

If I don't like someone, they stop wanting to hang out with me.

Group setting is fine.

Keep your boundaries and sounds like you will be fine.

I actually trust your son's instincts about Chris looking at you.

Tell him to look at his wife instead.

Mrs. C and I have good friends that we flirt with, harmlessly, but we totally trust them as well.

Just give him the cold shoulder.

The VAR idea is excellent!
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post #29 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 07:15 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.
How can she hint anymore than actually coming out and telling him? The husband has to see for himself, since he thinks it is all in her head. I'm sure Chris is testing the waters with her, while being careful when the husband is around.
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post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 07:57 PM Thread Starter
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I am surprised that as a good Christian woman you are married to a man who has a frie

Actually my husband is hindu. And yet i do believe i am good Christian. My husband is a very good man better than most. I it difficult to give 100% details of ones everyday life in forum, so of you will not have all the details but understand this my husband is awesome. He has always been.
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