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post #31 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some of

Dont know what a mate guard is. But yeah, i am looking to my husband to protect me as he always does. He is the one that fights for me and puts everyone and everything in its place where i am concerned. This even includes our parents. But one situation has me thrown because he is not usually like this. His passivity in this case goes against his usual aggressive nature. And to be direct, i am not attracted to Chris.

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post #32 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.

Yeah. That is exactly where the problem lies. Chris is not the first man to have ever come onto me and i doubt he will be last. It is just time my husband is not on my side. He refuses to acknowledge the douchy-ness of his bff
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post #33 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:43 PM Thread Starter
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Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem lies.

I am an intense person. I do obsess over things until figure it out and solve them. This 'weakness' has made me very successful in business and in my marriage.

My marriage is excellent and i do get my husband's attention except in this. A damsel in distress? No. I am 3rd degree black belt.

I just want to husband to acknowledge the problem, not to go beat up on Chris. I just want him to say no you are not crazy. Yeah i get and I will be there for u. If that desire is one of fairy tales then yeah i want it.
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post #34 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem li

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
I am an intense person. I do obsess over things until figure it out and solve them. This 'weakness' has made me very successful in business and in my marriage.

My marriage is excellent and i do get my husband's attention except in this. A damsel in distress? No. I am 3rd degree black belt.

I just want to husband to acknowledge the problem, not to go beat up on Chris. I just want him to say no you are not crazy. Yeah i get and I will be there for u. If that desire is one of fairy tales then yeah i want it.
Reasonable expectations for your husband. Is Chris also Hindu?

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post #35 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:52 PM
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Re: Her problem is to get hubby to get the hint. Methinks THAT'S where the problem li

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
I am an intense person. I do obsess over things until figure it out and solve them. This 'weakness' has made me very successful in business and in my marriage.

My marriage is excellent and i do get my husband's attention except in this. A damsel in distress? No. I am 3rd degree black belt.

I just want to husband to acknowledge the problem, not to go beat up on Chris. I just want him to say no you are not crazy. Yeah i get and I will be there for u. If that desire is one of fairy tales then yeah i want it.
That's completely reasonable. Anyone would want their spouse to put the marriage above a friendship. This issue could come between you and affect the marriage if your husband isn't willing to respect your feelings about this friend. If you do not want to spend time with this friend because his behavior bothers you, your husband should not continue to try to force you to do so.
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post #36 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

This is a dangerous situation. His flirting has you questioning your husbands love. You're wondering if your hubby Is ok with being disrespected? Does he not trust my judgement?

I'm concerned that you're going to be vulnerable to any bold move this guy makes. I've read so many threads from WWs that said they were not into the OM at first until he boldly came pursued them. Once the OM made their move, it was game on.

You better watch yourself, because my reading of what you've shared is that despite your protestations of not being attracted to him, that he has you in a tizzy.
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post #37 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: You say you are not attracted on a conscious level, but then say that he has some

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Dont know what a mate guard is. But yeah, i am looking to my husband to protect me as he always does. He is the one that fights for me and puts everyone and everything in its place where i am concerned. This even includes our parents. But one situation has me thrown because he is not usually like this. His passivity in this case goes against his usual aggressive nature. And to be direct, i am not attracted to Chris.
Mate guarding is essentially what you are asking your husband to do, and what is required here. Chris is pushing boundaries and making you uncomfortable. By mate guarding, your husband would be letting Chris know you are his and Chris is to back off, or there will be consequences.

When they were single, who was more of the leader between them? If they went out together and pursued girls, who got the "hot" friend or who had first choice? You may not know the answer to this, but I'm guessing Chris.
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post #38 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

In my honest opinion, there is some level of attraction to Chris or his actions. People can lie and deceive themselves to deal with reality because of guilt or other reasons. For example, parents lie when they state they love their children equally, people lie when they state they love their pets like children when brain scans prove otherwise. It makes them happier and able to deal with themselves better. WE all do this to varying degrees.

Chris pursues you and it makes you probably feel more desirable or attractive. That stimuli is coming from Chris. It may make you feel uncomfortable but there is likely a reaction. Attraction is not a true or false thing, it is based on a scale. The more you know of Chris, the more his attractive qualities show. There is probably a level of attraction on how he challenges you with his humor or lack there of to get a reaction from you. There is a push pull game Chris is doing that you are not aware of. You feel a threat because there is likely a threat.

This is all conjecture as no one really knows Chris even those that claim to know him. people wear masks in different settings and around different people.

Perhaps he is making you uncomfortable because you detest him but you like aspects of him. As I state, people can adn will deceive themselves. It is okay to feel attracted to Chris but just be aware of it and place boundaries. Relationship can only progress as far as someone willing to invest in it. It takes time, thought and energy. Being around Chris only solidifies that bond. All it takes is a level of attraction to flip that switch from friends to more. So now, there is some level of attraction though initially not attracted to him. Being antagonistic can induce attraction as part of the push and pull of attraction. It is like a play, a game.

Not helping that your husband is probably blind to Chris because he loves him like family or close enough to one. You may be his wife, but Chris and him go way back. He will get more defensive about Chris to protect that bond. He thinks he knows Chris but people wear mask and love creates blind spots about loved ones.

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post #39 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

What's happening here is painfully simple, IMO.

Your husband is not mate-guarding you, which is what you want. He is not doing it because this is his best friend of 25 years and refuses to see what's potentially happening. Or he does see what's happening, and wants to avoid conflict.

The real issue is not Chris, it's your husband. You are constantly being put in an awkward or uncomfortable position, and he is refusing to hear this.

The solution is not all that difficult, I don't think, especially when it comes to the vacation. Tell your husband flat-out that you do not want to go on vacation with this guy. And don't. The next time he's around, go make yourself busy, or make other plans. It's okay to do this, you're within your rights.

My best friend did not like my ex wife, and that was okay. It bothered me a little bit, but that's life. He simply didn't see eye-to-eye with her and she just rubbed him the wrong way. In retrospect, it's entirely possibly my ex wife fancied him, and he, being the good friend, was having none of it. I don't know. I doubt that, but it's possible. More likely, he just saw her for the person she was while I was in the 'love fog'. When we divorced - 14 years later - the first thing he said to me was "Good!"

But it's okay to not like your spouses friend, or for your friend to not like your spouse, or any other combination. You tried (eventually) and now you're here. Your husband should respect this, instead of shrugging it off and insisting on taking vacations with him. He can still spend time with his best friend, without you having to be involved. I did this for 14 years, and it worked out just fine.

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post #40 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:18 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

When a guy is passively coming on to me, I ignore his advances. It's not as if my legs are going to suddenly fly open and he'll start riding me like a rented mule unless I start obsessing about the situation. Last I checked, that's going anywhere without my consent, and the only person to which I give consent is my husband.

According to my husband, I have a "Sorry, we're closed" sign hung for anyone but him, and I fail to notice much of the attention that I'm receiving. My husband used to be jealous of the attention, but then he realized that I'm oblivious to it, and couldn't care less about it on the rare times, like at the beach, that I notice it. Perhaps "Chris" thinks that you're paying an inordinate amount of attention to him. Maybe he's a little uncomfortable, and rather than running to your husband and saying "She's looking at me!!!", he's just keeping it to himself. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a person's paranoia interpreted as interest by another.

If a guy isn't being aggressive, then obsessing about it is just drama for drama's sake. There's far more important things to ponder than sophomoric drama.

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post #41 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

A few things I wanted to get straight, as my first post was typed while I was worked up over just speaking to my husband about Chris, so I guess some things came over wrong.
I was not obsessing over Chris, as the last time I saw him and spoken to him was last year when he came for my son's graduation. He was not on my mind as I have a business to run and a family to take care of. However it was until recently when he "accidentally" sent me a pic of my son and him (this is my husband's summation of the event) and then two weeks or so later called my husband to invite us to spend the summer with him and his family at his home is when the issue came up. I told my husband I did not want to stay at Chris' home because of what I suspected in the past. And just as he ignored me then when it happened, he has again chosen to ignore me now. He keeps saying that it is in my head. I wanted the opinion of an impartial person as my friend who Chris had made the comment to thinks it was an honest to goodness mistake on Chris' part. And note: Chris is NOT socially awkward in any regards (as one person mentioned) he usually takes over a room. Something my own husband does, they are both very sociable.

I have however spoken to my mother in law about it and she has confirmed that she had observed Chris' 'growing affections' towards me but never said anything because it is Chris, and he is harmless (according to her) and that he wouldn't do anything to cause any problems. She has however promised to talk to him about it this evening. And she has told her son, that if I do not want to stay at Chris' I should not have to .

My husband's decision however is that we will stay at Chris but if I feel uncomfortable we will go to a hotel. I guess that is some sort of progress.

It is not an issue of what Chris will do, because I can take him down if it comes to that. I want my husband to recognize that there is something there and be proactive about protecting his family. Because if Chris does get aggressive with his so call feelings, while I know I will reject him, it will cause a lot of people hurt, as he is a trusted friend who is even posted to be guardian to our son if both my husband and I die. I think if my husband would nip it in the bud we could avoid a potential heartbreak.

Thanks for the opinions.
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post #42 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

If the guy makes you uncomfortable your husband needs to respect it. He can continue to be friends with the guy but out of respect for you he should not be accepting to situations where you are having to spend time with Chris. Staying at a hotel instead of this guys summer house doesn't accomplish much in my book, you still will be socializing probably daily.

To me it seems very easy for your husband to minimize your time around this guy. Your husbands lack of consideration for your feelings is inexcusable.

Also it really isn't your MIL's place to say something to Chris, her getting involved is likely going to create some hard feelings between you and your husband. I understand you are frustrated but I think you should tell your MIL to stay out of it.
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post #43 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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If the guy makes you uncomfortable your husband needs to respect it. He can continue to be friends with the guy but out of respect for you he should not be accepting to situations where you are having to spend time with Chris. Staying at a hotel instead of this guys summer house doesn't accomplish much in my book, you still will be socializing probably daily.

To me it seems very easy for your husband to minimize your time around this guy. Your husbands lack of consideration for your feelings is inexcusable.

Also it really isn't your MIL's place to say something to Chris, her getting involved is likely going to create some hard feelings between you and your husband. I understand you are frustrated but I think you should tell your MIL to stay out of it.


The good thing about this is she has someone who has noticed the growing affections, proof to her husband that it's not just in her head. If the MIL goes to Chris herself, it should create tensions between her and her son, not husband and wife. Unless OP insisted MIL talk to Chris. I see this as a good thing, maybe her husband will take notice of things now that there is more than just his wife seeing what's happening.
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post #44 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:03 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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[/B]

The good thing about this is she has someone who has noticed the growing affections, proof to her husband that it's not just in her head. If the MIL goes to Chris herself, it should create tensions between her and her son, not husband and wife. Unless OP insisted MIL talk to Chris. I see this as a good thing, maybe her husband will take notice of things now that there is more than just his wife seeing what's happening.
I have to disagree with your thinking. I will bet you a dollar the husband gets pissed at the OP for talking to his mother about it and even more pissed if his mother gets involved in any way. My thinking is he is going to focus his anger on his wife because he will see her as the source of the drama.
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post #45 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:44 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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I have to disagree with your thinking. I will bet you a dollar the husband gets pissed at the OP for talking to his mother about it and even more pissed if his mother gets involved in any way. My thinking is he is going to focus his anger on his wife because he will see her as the source of the drama.
You said "If the guy makes you uncomfortable your husband needs to respect it." The husband is not respecting it, and she is getting frustrated by it. If she brings someone in who sees it too, and he still wants to believe that it is not happening and get pissed at his wife, that's on him. What more can she do? Even if he's pissed, I'm sure he'll be observing more closely. He's a fool.
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