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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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My Husband's Best Friend

My husband has been friends with his best friend (let's call him...Chris) for over twenty five years. They have always been close, my husband's parents call Chris their son and my sister-in-laws call him their brother. So the relationship is very tightly knitted. I met my husband at college but due to me never liking Chris, my husband and I never got together. It was only after Chris migrated that we started dating and eventually getting married. My husband was well aware of my dislike for Chris.

Due to my dislike of Chris my husband rarely brought him around me whenever he visited. But about five years ago I decided that it was time I grew up and make an effort to at least get to know Chris for my husband's sake. My husband was elated.

Chris visited a few times and I made an effort to get to know him, and found that I liked him very much and even became friends with his wife and son. However over the past year and a half or so, Chris has me questioning my sanity on whether or not he coming onto me or not. He has never directly come onto me but he has insinuated as much, even in front of my husband.

For example: Chris and I were waiting for my husband to finish dressing so that they could go out together, and my son, then three years old, yelled at him and said "stop looking at my mother." At the time I was not facing him so I can't say in which way he was looking at me but it unnerved my son enough to yell at him. I was kind of embarrassed by my son's actions, I quieted him down and even apologized to Chris for his behavior.

Another incident occurred when my husband, Chris, my own best friend and I went out to lunch together. And Chris told my friend that he had always loved some distinct physical features of hers, however all of these features were mine and not hers. My best friend later said it was funny how he mixed us up. This was in front of my husband.

The next time he did something similar, this time while we were dining with my husband's family. He said that he had always liked me first, with a long delayed pause, for my husband. And most recently he sent me a picture of himself and my son, and an hour later sent my husband the same picture.

I tried talking to both my husband and my best friend about it and they have both said that it is all in my head. That Chris would never come onto me. But it is driving me crazy, because I feel like he is coming onto me and then again maybe not. However my insistence on this had cause issues in my marriage. I eventually decided to let it go as I only have to deal with Chris on his short visits which does not last more than a week about twice a year.

However, my fears has taken a new course because Chris has convinced my husband to vacation with him and family this summer. We are to stay at his home. I told my husband that I do not want to stay at Chris' house, which is the source of many of our arguments lately. I told him I would rather we stay at a hotel. But my husband says I am trying to embarrass him and hurt his friend's feelings. He keeps insisting that it is all in my head and that his friend who is like his brother would never come onto me.

This situation has left me feeling alone and frustrated. I have no one to talk to, as the two people I share everything with thinks that I am blowing it all out of proportion.

Am I?

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:16 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

What is important here are YOUR boundaries, not Chris's and not your husband's. Although it may be a little disconcerting at times, just keep turning the conversation back to your husband.

"Wow, you look great tonight!" "Thanks, my husband loves this dress and I like to wear it for him."

You see how that works? Men who flirt with married women are looking for a lack of boundaries. Like a crack in a wall, they will chip away at it. But, if YOU have good boundaries, there will be no problems.

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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:31 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

It sounds like he is phishing. If it remains constant and vague perhaps not but if it increase in frequency and directness then he is really phishing. What TX-SC said is the key. It's all about boundaries. Avoid time alone with him. Don't respond to compliments. Redirect topics to include your husband. Always talk positively about your husband and don't talk about the state of your marriage except to say its good.

He may offer favors or other things. You should politely refuse them and not let them be an excuse for more time with him or time alone with him. Try to always be with your husband around him.

Eventually he will get the message that your marriage is your priority.

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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:32 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
My husband has been friends with his best friend (let's call him...Chris) for over twenty five years. They have always been close, my husband's parents call Chris their son and my sister-in-laws call him their brother. So the relationship is very tightly knitted. I met my husband at college but due to me never liking Chris, my husband and I never got together. It was only after Chris migrated that we started dating and eventually getting married. My husband was well aware of my dislike for Chris.

Due to my dislike of Chris my husband rarely brought him around me whenever he visited. But about five years ago I decided that it was time I grew up and make an effort to at least get to know Chris for my husband's sake. My husband was elated.

Chris visited a few times and I made an effort to get to know him, and found that I liked him very much and even became friends with his wife and son. However over the past year and a half or so, Chris has me questioning my sanity on whether or not he coming onto me or not. He has never directly come onto me but he has insinuated as much, even in front of my husband.

For example: Chris and I were waiting for my husband to finish dressing so that they could go out together, and my son, then three years old, yelled at him and said "stop looking at my mother." At the time I was not facing him so I can't say in which way he was looking at me but it unnerved my son enough to yell at him. I was kind of embarrassed by my son's actions, I quieted him down and even apologized to Chris for his behavior.

Another incident occurred when my husband, Chris, my own best friend and I went out to lunch together. And Chris told my friend that he had always loved some distinct physical features of hers, however all of these features were mine and not hers. My best friend later said it was funny how he mixed us up. This was in front of my husband.

The next time he did something similar, this time while we were dining with my husband's family. He said that he had always liked me first, with a long delayed pause, for my husband. And most recently he sent me a picture of himself and my son, and an hour later sent my husband the same picture.

I tried talking to both my husband and my best friend about it and they have both said that it is all in my head. That Chris would never come onto me. But it is driving me crazy, because I feel like he is coming onto me and then again maybe not. However my insistence on this had cause issues in my marriage. I eventually decided to let it go as I only have to deal with Chris on his short visits which does not last more than a week about twice a year.

However, my fears has taken a new course because Chris has convinced my husband to vacation with him and family this summer. We are to stay at his home. I told my husband that I do not want to stay at Chris' house, which is the source of many of our arguments lately. I told him I would rather we stay at a hotel. But my husband says I am trying to embarrass him and hurt his friend's feelings. He keeps insisting that it is all in my head and that his friend who is like his brother would never come onto me.

This situation has left me feeling alone and frustrated. I have no one to talk to, as the two people I share everything with thinks that I am blowing it all out of proportion.

Am I?

You have not clarified why you have always disliked Chris from the beginning?

I doubt very much if a three year old boy would be able to gauge innuendo or wrong type of looks, (that surely is in your head).
Your other examples are not so convincing either.

Is there something from before you are not telling us about connected to your dislike of Chris from way back? Did he assault you, did you fancy him, etc.

There is something very incomplete about your version of events.
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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

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Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
My husband has been friends with his best friend (let's call him...Chris) for over twenty five years. They have always been close, my husband's parents call Chris their son and my sister-in-laws call him their brother. So the relationship is very tightly knitted. I met my husband at college but due to me never liking Chris, my husband and I never got together. It was only after Chris migrated that we started dating and eventually getting married. My husband was well aware of my dislike for Chris.

Due to my dislike of Chris my husband rarely brought him around me whenever he visited. But about five years ago I decided that it was time I grew up and make an effort to at least get to know Chris for my husband's sake. My husband was elated.

Chris visited a few times and I made an effort to get to know him, and found that I liked him very much and even became friends with his wife and son. However over the past year and a half or so, Chris has me questioning my sanity on whether or not he coming onto me or not. He has never directly come onto me but he has insinuated as much, even in front of my husband.

For example: Chris and I were waiting for my husband to finish dressing so that they could go out together, and my son, then three years old, yelled at him and said "stop looking at my mother." At the time I was not facing him so I can't say in which way he was looking at me but it unnerved my son enough to yell at him. I was kind of embarrassed by my son's actions, I quieted him down and even apologized to Chris for his behavior.

Another incident occurred when my husband, Chris, my own best friend and I went out to lunch together. And Chris told my friend that he had always loved some distinct physical features of hers, however all of these features were mine and not hers. My best friend later said it was funny how he mixed us up. This was in front of my husband.

The next time he did something similar, this time while we were dining with my husband's family. He said that he had always liked me first, with a long delayed pause, for my husband. And most recently he sent me a picture of himself and my son, and an hour later sent my husband the same picture.

I tried talking to both my husband and my best friend about it and they have both said that it is all in my head. That Chris would never come onto me. But it is driving me crazy, because I feel like he is coming onto me and then again maybe not. However my insistence on this had cause issues in my marriage. I eventually decided to let it go as I only have to deal with Chris on his short visits which does not last more than a week about twice a year.

However, my fears has taken a new course because Chris has convinced my husband to vacation with him and family this summer. We are to stay at his home. I told my husband that I do not want to stay at Chris' house, which is the source of many of our arguments lately. I told him I would rather we stay at a hotel. But my husband says I am trying to embarrass him and hurt his friend's feelings. He keeps insisting that it is all in my head and that his friend who is like his brother would never come onto me.

This situation has left me feeling alone and frustrated. I have no one to talk to, as the two people I share everything with thinks that I am blowing it all out of proportion.

Am I?
You never explain why you didn't like him at first. Without that it's hard to tell if this is confirmation bios or something real.
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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

In our case it was my wife's friends' who flirted with me. Seems that my picture and stories about my sexual abilities were passed along by word of mouth. My wife invited each of her friends into our bed for a threesome. Did not know my wife was realizing she is bisexual and using me as bait. So I had sex with each of her girlfriends. Her best friend, who we found out was bi only when we had a threesome, ended up with her own room in our home and joining us in a poly triad for most of out 44 years of marriage. Two of my friend's wives offered me sex. So beware of friends. The problem with friends is that you both have feelings for each other on some level, if even just friendship. Given a any, and I mean any if even passive, sign that their advances are welcome, they will work on you until you give in. You will think you have it under control, until the day that you do not.

My ex fiancee cheated on me with a friend who was always friendly with her. My ex girlfriend cheated on me with one of my best friends who was sharing a house with me. When it comes to sex, all bets are off and when emotions come into play, we humans tend to make bad choices. I think you are aware of the danger. I also think that you are flattered that someone other than your husband thinks you are hot and are doing nothing to stop his behavior because you like it and feeds your ego. I have been there myself. You have to decide how to handle this, but it has to be either a clean break, telling your husband why or play with fire and risk your marriage. I lost a fiancee of 5 years to a friend who liked to flirt with her and the same with an ex girlfriend. I was naive in those days but not anymore. Sex is the reason for our existence. Nothing else we do will pass our genes on after we are gone. It is our strongest urge. Rich, powerful and famous people have destroyed their marriages and lives because of sex. Do not think you are stronger than they are. If you swim with the sharks there is a very good chance that you will be bitten.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-18-2017 at 11:26 PM.
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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:51 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

If you are concerned about this vacation, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you, and hidden, when you are around this guy. This would be especially important if you find your self alone in the house or elsewhere with him.

That way, if he really does come on to you, you can play it back to your husband. And hopefully your husband will also hear you responding appropriately to Chris.
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:29 AM Thread Starter
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You have not clarified why you have always disliked Chris from the beginning?

I doubt very much if a three year old boy would be able to gauge innuendo or wrong type of looks, (that surely is in your head).
Your other examples are not so convincing either....

To be specific why I have always disliked Chris was because his conversation mostly leaned on the topics that bordered on blasphemy against God and disrespect towards women. The two things which are very important to me. One being I am a Christian and the next being I am a woman. A friend of mine had told me back then that he only talked like that when I was around because he knew it pissed me off. And that I should ignore him. Which I did by leaving whenever he came around.

The part about my son, as I said I am not sure. But my son is very intelligent and highly sensitive. And I usually take his observation seriously as he has on more than one occasion been right about things he has observed and opinions he has formed. I don't discount his opinions because of age.
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:43 AM Thread Starter
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It sounds like he is phishing. If it remains constant and vague perhaps not but if it increase in frequency and directness then he is really phishing...


I do not put myself in a position to be alone with him. I avoid him every chance I get. Whenever my husband moves away from me I usually go right behind him. Which agrivates my husband because he says I am behaving childish. I guess it would be easier for me if my husband would appear to at least consider my plight.
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:59 AM Thread Starter
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If you are concerned about this vacation, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and ke

This vacation is stressing me out. My husband and I do almost everything together and I follow him around where ever he goes. He was hurt when I told to do this trip without me. The only time we really argue is when I bring up the "Chris situation". Which I don't now. But because I can't get any resolution it's on my mind all the time. Which means Chris is on my mind all the time. I think up scenarios where he comes onto me, what should I do in such a situation, and should I scream, I should I slap him, should I give him a stern talking to...on and on I go. I think by the summer I would have aged ten years.

I just wished my husband would believe me and at least protect me from it. From Chris. He is always so hands on with me and in this case he has left me out in the cold it feels like.

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:12 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

You've got some good advice so far. All I can add is your husband is lucky to have a wife with good boundaries. He's a lucky idiot. Many women would like the attention, and then it would be your husband on here for other reasons.

The VAR idea is good, but you would need to not shut him down, so that he escalates to proper evidence. But don't encourage either, because that would get turned into "you led him on".
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:24 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

I am surprised that as a good Christian woman you are married to a man who has a friend like Chris, something doesn't add up. I would think you would have married a Christian too? Then how come your H isn't offended by Chris' behavior too?
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:44 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

Chris is a single guy. He wants to bang you. Most guys do, single or not. How they express it is another matter.

I, for example, treat all my women friends as just that. They are friends and I respect that. I don't even approach boundaries in front of them. I keep it all to my imagination as I am...thinking of them late at night.

Some I talk a little dirty with. They like that and I like that. No hope for sex, so I don't even try. I just think of this set of friends a little more often late at night.

Some might take it to a little kissy-kissy. Some just say "screw it, let's ****".

And some, like Chris, fall dead square into the middle of that pack. With one small difference: HE doesn't know how to handle it socially as well as those of us that know better.

Trust me: The guy that behaves himself around you has just as much of a chance to try to lick your tonsils when hubby goes to pee as does Chris. More so, I'd say. Chris is VERY awkward socially. I don't see him making a move. That polite, quiet player sitting over in the corner by himself however...

SUMMARY: Your problem with Chris is one of degree. Chris's problem is that he's socially awkward. He's wired just like every one of your other mail friends. Most of them want to bed you. Sorry to say.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: My Husband's Best Friend

I believe you have a right to be concerned, both by Chris and by your husband. A marriage should consist of good, open communication and each partner should listen to the other's concerns. Your husband is basically choosing Chris over you right now, and that needs to change.

I agree with protecting yourself with a VAR. Just try not to be alone with Chris.

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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: If you are concerned about this vacation, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) an

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinie View Post
This vacation is stressing me out. My husband and I do almost everything together and I follow him around where ever he goes. He was hurt when I told to do this trip without me. The only time we really argue is when I bring up the "Chris situation". Which I don't now. But because I can't get any resolution it's on my mind all the time. Which means Chris is on my mind all the time. I think up scenarios where he comes onto me, what should I do in such a situation, and should I scream, I should I slap him, should I give him a stern talking to...on and on I go. I think by the summer I would have aged ten years.

I just wished my husband would believe me and at least protect me from it. From Chris. He is always so hands on with me and in this case he has left me out in the cold it feels like.
Are you frequently beset by obsessive thoughts in other areas of your life? I ask because the bold above seems rather...intense...given the facts of the situation you've relayed here. It feels like an out of proportion reaction to what even you admit is a situation you aren't 100% sure of. It seems like you may be obsessing over possibilities - ones that may or may not actually be possible. If these types of intrusive thoughts are a problem for you in other, non-Chris-related, areas of you life it may be a symptom of mild (or not) OCD, or perhaps of some type of generalized anxiety issue.

Otherwise, there seem to be a few things that spring to mind:

One, you're allowing this situation to occupy way too much of your brain space. You need to find ways to occupy your thoughts that aren't related to this. You can control your thoughts. So when you find yourself ruminating over Chris, re-direct your thoughts to other things. If you're disciplined and consistent, it should get easier to not think so obsessively about this situation.

Two, you seem to really be pushing for Chris to be hitting on you and for this situation to be a real problem. Your husband and best friend don't seem to see the situation as you do. I'm sure Chris is probably flirting, but that doesn't have to be a huge deal. Shut him down. You have that power. Don't respond to innuendos, don't spend time alone with him, have strong boundaries of your own. He'll either get the hint and stop, or this is just his personality and he'll keep it up but won't escalate. Because you will not let him escalate. Making a huge deal about a man hitting on you, when even you aren't really sure that he is, and he's not actually done or said anything inappropriate, sort of feels like you're drama-shopping.

Three, how is your marriage otherwise? Are you getting as much attention and emotional connection from your husband as you'd like? How's your self-esteem? You seem very insistent that your husband do something to "save" you from Chris's (maybe) advances. Some women feel the need to be regarded as the fair damsel, while they need their partner to play knight in shining armor for them, in a sort of fairy-tale drama. Might this be what's going on? Because the truth is that you don't need your husband to save you from this. There's really no dragon here. Your husband isn't required to be your white knight. You aren't a helpless damsel, and you can take care of yourself, particularly with the "threat" is something so benign as a friend of your husband's who may or may not actually be hitting on you.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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