Husband's kept his multiple FB profiles a secret and it has left me disturbed! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 04:36 PM Thread Starter
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Husband's kept his multiple FB profiles a secret and it has left me disturbed!

My husband and I have been married for 6 years through arranged marriage. We have a son (5) and a daughter (2). He was never on Facebook, whereas I have been for some years now. He never seemed inclined and I didn't fuss over it. However, a few months back out of curiosity I searched his name on FB and realised he has an account for more than a year now. When I asked him, he shrugged off stating he never really used it and had opened one on insistence from his colleagues and to connect with friends from his days abroad. When I asked him why hadn't he added me? He just avoided it saying he never uses it. Nevertheless, I added him and though he seemed reluctant, he eventually accepted it. I checked his account and indeed most people on his friends list were his colleagues from work and few old friends. He had a picture from his late 20s as his profile picture (he's 40 now). He hadn't filled out any details and he hadn't put a single picture of us or our kids. I was not too happy but I thought he wanted to keep things private and professional and let it be.

I am alarmed now because suddenly last week, after having me on his friends list for four months, he's now deleted his FB account! I searched for him but there's no trace of him (even a friend confirmed this) but now to my surprise, I've come across his another account that is almost 8 years old. The account is set in private mode, I can't see his friends list but can see some pictures he had set as public 8 years back. He had pictures of his from his late 20s and early 30s, as well as lots of pictures of his niece, a toddler then. On one such picture of his niece, I found a fond comment by a woman. I checked her profile, she is in her late 30s now, lives in another country and is single. When I snooped around a bit, I realised, the woman was my husband's ex, the one he loved before he married me. They were in a long distance relationship for five years and had to part ways under pressure from family owing to their religious differences. I checked up further on the woman's profile and realised she doesn't have my husband on her friends list and her posts were work related.

So far, I believe, my husband and his ex are not in touch with each other but I have a nagging feeling he isn't over her yet. Although, they're not on each other's friends list, through her past comments from years ago, she's there for everyone to see, whereas I am nowhere around. In fact, I never even had an idea that my husband had used Facebook years ago. Knowing how secretive and image conscious my husband is, ideally if he would have not felt comfortable, my husband could have deleted that picture with his ex's comments on his profile but he has not! He doesn't seem uncomfortable and she is still in a strange way a "present", amidst friends and family, who knew about her and even acknowledged her. Honestly, I had an idea that he was involved with someone in the past but not to the extent I have figured now.

As far as our relationship is concerned, we have never shared anything out of ordinary but it has been ok so far. However, his reluctance to accept and acknowledge me and our kids on his social media profile has got me thinking now. I can still deal with his reluctance to acknowledge me or post our pictures but I can't fathom his hesitance towards posting pictures of our children, when he could post pictures of his niece.

Please help me understand what could be his compulsion or motivation in acting the way he's.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: Husband's kept his multiple FB profiles a secret and it has left me disturbed!

Can you tell when the last time was that your husband posted on the account that still exists?

I don't think that there is any reasonable explanation why a man would have an account on Facebook and not acknowledge his wife and children. Something is definitely off.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:37 AM
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Re: Husband's kept his multiple FB profiles a secret and it has left me disturbed!

I think culture has to be taken into consideration. He may really just want to keep his private life private, nothing wrong with that. My H isn't my friend on FB and I am not his either. He has nothing personal on his FB. He tends to socially connect more through Linkedin.
I don't see any major red flags. The only red flag I see is that the OP is asking all these questions, because she senses something off but its not just FB.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:48 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Can you tell when the last time was that your husband posted on the account that still exists?
.
It is a private profile and I cannot look at his post other than the ones that are public and they are all from 2008. Perhaps, he's not using it anymore but he's kept the account active while he chose to delete the one with me as his friend.

More than anything it is the fact that he hid that he had been active on FB and had two accounts that disturbs me. There was no reason for him to hide or lie.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:55 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by aine View Post
I think culture has to be taken into consideration. He may really just want to keep his private life private, nothing wrong with that. My H isn't my friend on FB and I am not his either. He has nothing personal on his FB. He tends to socially connect more through Linkedin.
I don't see any major red flags. The only red flag I see is that the OP is asking all these questions, because she senses something off but its not just FB.
I do not think it is a cultural thing. Not for him, at least. He could acknowledge his girlfriend and his niece for the whole world to see but not his wife and his own children.

Also, if he wants to keep things private than I am willing to let him be but where was the need to hide and lie. He had not one but two accounts and I had no idea. Whether he uses them or not is immaterial, it is his urge to hide things from me that bothers me.

Both his accounts have his profile picture from his 20s and not his current picture. What is he upto?!
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