I can't do this anymore - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
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I can't do this anymore

I need to vent/advice. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore or why I try. I've been married to my husband for almost 7 years now. We've had some rough times but things got better and we were happy for awhile. We have two children, 5 years old and 3 months old. I worked full time all throughout my pregnancy and decided that I would start a business instead of returning to work so that I could have the flexibility to take care of the kids during the week with all of the practices, doctors appointments, school stuff and whatnot.

So here I am trying to get this business off the ground meeting with contractors, vendors, negotiating leases, buying supplies, etc. to start this business since the baby was 4 weeks old. I am still waking up with her at least once a night and am often so stressed about everything that I can't sleep so I am pretty exhausted.

Here's the thing. I do all of the housework and childcare as well. Drop of and pick up son from school, laundry, dishes, homework, dinner every night because my husband is a workout freak, bills, cleaning I do it all. And I work my ass off trying to make everything perfect. I have no free time for hobbies, exercise, or anything other than a 20 minute shower at the end of the day (if I'm lucky)

Today I had laundry out on the couch that hadn't been put away. My husband went off on me saying that I can't keep up with everything, I don't know how to manage my time, that I'm dirty and I used to be so meticulous about the house, and that he wants his mother to come stay with us a couple of nights a week to help (she doesn't speak English or drive so obviously it makes me a little uncomfortable).

I'm super crushed. I try so so hard. This isn't the first time we've had this argument and his logic is always the same "you stay at home so you can do the housework." I can't change his thinking and it kills me that he doesn't see how hard I try.

I am tired of feeling unappreciated and I really feel that I'm at the point where I don't want to be with this man anymore. I feel as if I'm his maid not his wife or friend anymore. It didn't used to be this way but everytime I try to talk he yells and I let it go and act like nothing happened to avoid a fight.

I want to leave, but I just signed a 3 year lease for this business space. I've spent money to get it running. I quit my job. I don't want to split up my family because my kids love their father. I feel so stuck and hopeless.

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:02 PM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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I am tired of feeling unappreciated and I really feel that I'm at the point where I don't want to be with this man anymore.
This is what killed my marriage. I'm the husband who bent over backwards for 12 years and got very little in return except constant criticism.

Sounds like your husband needs a serious dose of reality. Focus on yourself right now and your kids. Get your business going and put a timeline together for your husband to start helping out or you're filing for divorce.

No excuses. It's time for him to be a man and get his priorities straight.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:17 AM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

It sounds like your husband wants you to be a stay at home mom. If that is the case and you quit your job to do all these things he wants you to do is his earning potential high enough to support the family?

Why are you killing yourself doing it all. Figure out what it is you want. If you want to raise your kids and be home than stop the business and focus on that. If you want to continue working than get some help in the form of daycare, maids..etc. You can't do it all, your health will suffer, your marriage will suffer and in the end your children will suffer.

I wish you all the best. Take some time for the person that so many people rely on.





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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:32 AM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

@mpz2013 His mother has no English. Presumably your husband is not of your culture?

If not, maybe he needs to learn to be of your culture?

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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

Sorry to hear that your husband has overlooked all of the major positive things that you're doing, and has chosen to focus on what appears to be relatively minor negative things. Given your post, here are some of my thoughts...

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Originally Posted by mpz2013 View Post
We have two children, 5 years old and 3 months old. I ... decided that I would start a business instead of returning to work so that I could have the flexibility to take care of the kids during the week with all of the practices, doctors appointments, school stuff and whatnot.
Your rationale for flexibility is a good one, but starting a business just for this seems premature, given your situation. How much "school stuff" and "practices" do you have with a 5-yr old and a 3-mo old? I would imagine next to none.

Did you discuss starting the business with your husband before quitting your job and taking out loans for business expenses? What were his expectations regarding your business, in terms of your weekly commitment-level, contributions to finances, etc?

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Originally Posted by mpz2013 View Post
So here I am trying to get this business off the ground meeting with contractors, vendors, negotiating leases, buying supplies, etc. to start this business since the baby was 4 weeks old. I am still waking up with her at least once a night and am often so stressed about everything that I can't sleep so I am pretty exhausted.

Here's the thing. I do all of the housework and childcare as well. Drop of and pick up son from school, laundry, dishes, homework, dinner every night because my husband is a workout freak, bills, cleaning I do it all. And I work my ass off trying to make everything perfect. I have no free time for hobbies, exercise, or anything other than a 20 minute shower at the end of the day (if I'm lucky)
For just a moment, let me play devil's advocate. Along the lines of the previous question, how have you met your husband's expectations of contributions to the household finances? For all of the time you put into your business in addition to these chores, is it profitable?

This is a key piece of information. If your business is not profitable, your husband likely credits your time spent doing business-related work as a hobby versus actual work. Making the same assumption, if your husband is the sole breadwinner, it's a natural (and reasonable) expectation that the spouse not contributing to the household income helps out more around the house.

Whatever your situation and that of your business, it seems like your husband should be more involved when it comes to the division of labor, and more appreciative of all that you do.

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Originally Posted by mpz2013 View Post
Today I had laundry out on the couch that hadn't been put away. My husband went off on me saying that I can't keep up with everything, I don't know how to manage my time, that I'm dirty and I used to be so meticulous about the house...

I'm super crushed. I try so so hard. This isn't the first time we've had this argument and his logic is always the same "you stay at home so you can do the housework." I can't change his thinking and it kills me that he doesn't see how hard I try.
It's inevitable that if one spouse spends more time in the house and has more flexibility in his/her day job, the spouse working outside the house sets these expectations. I work from home, and face this issue with my wife, who works at a hospital and sometimes has very early starts. She frequently assumes I can do a greater share of household chores, am available to run her errands at any point during the day (e.g. carting her to work, bringing her lunch, going to the post office or DMV). In the end, I feel my wife's expectations are unfair, so I feel your pain.

I would hail back to the expectations established with your husband when your business was getting off the ground. Remind him of the time commitment, what was agreed, and that you're treating this as real work, so he should respect your time in the home office as the same.

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Originally Posted by mpz2013 View Post

he wants his mother to come stay with us a couple of nights a week to help (she doesn't speak English or drive so obviously it makes me a little uncomfortable).
I think this could be more trouble than it's worth. Is there any reason your husband might feel a need to help her (is she in need of a place to stay, something else)?

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Originally Posted by mpz2013 View Post

I am tired of feeling unappreciated and ... I want to leave... but I just signed a 3 year lease for this business space. I've spent money to get it running. I quit my job. I don't want to split up my family because my kids love their father. I feel so stuck and hopeless.
Stay to keep the family together or because you think there's hope for your husband, not because of the business lease. Try not to let factors like this affect your decision-making.

In general, if you've brought children into this world, you must weigh the certain, adverse effects on them over their future from a divorce, versus the potentially uncertain benefits you (and perhaps they) would reap from moving on.

I would recommend marriage counseling before divorce. I feel unappreciated by my wife just about every week, and I don't believe that alone is good grounds for dissolving a marriage. Good luck!
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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Originally Posted by mpz2013 View Post
Today I had laundry out on the couch that hadn't been put away. My husband went off on me saying that I can't keep up with everything, I don't know how to manage my time, that I'm dirty and I used to be so meticulous about the house, and that he wants his mother to come stay with us a couple of nights a week to help (she doesn't speak English or drive so obviously it makes me a little uncomfortable).
Yet another idiot who thinks his 40-50 hour workweek precludes his lazy ass from doing a single thing once he gets home. Don't you wish at 5:00pm YOU could stop working too, and lay on the couch with a complete sense of self-entitlement just like he does? But no, your job continues 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The fact that you've chosen to work from home rather than driving to an office and dropping off your kids at daycare means nothing to him. Like many fools, he just expects you to bring in a paycheck AND be Super Woman doing it all at home, as well.

I laugh my ass off every time some guy comes on TAM and posts about how he works all day and then is forced to come home at night and do all the cleaning and cooking and laundry and food shopping and toilet scrubbing and child care and he acts as though he's SO damned put upon. Yet women are just expected to contribute financially AND do all this crap at home as well.

Just wait until the whining starts that you're "not paying enough attention to him and he feels neglected" and the complaining that you're not being a sex kitten for him 5 nights a week because you're too damned exhausted to read a book at bedtime, much less anything else.

Quote:
I'm super crushed. I try so so hard. This isn't the first time we've had this argument and his logic is always the same "you stay at home so you can do the housework." I can't change his thinking and it kills me that he doesn't see how hard I try.
Some of them never evolve and will always expect you to work your tail to the bone catering to everyone but yourself. That ain't nothing new.

Quote:
I am tired of feeling unappreciated and I really feel that I'm at the point where I don't want to be with this man anymore. I feel as if I'm his maid not his wife or friend anymore. It didn't used to be this way but everytime I try to talk he yells and I let it go and act like nothing happened to avoid a fight.
Well, that's your BIGGEST mistake right there. Letting Mr. Self Entitled think he's right. I wouldn't expect much different from him even after you're bringing in a weekly paycheck if you're going to continue giving in to him every time he acts like an ass-clown and starts his childish yelling (which is often from the sounds of it).
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I can't do this anymore

I feel like it is not only slowly killing the marriage but my self esteem as well. It's been hard to deal with and I can't really talk to anyone about it.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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@mpz2013 His mother has no English. Presumably your husband is not of your culture?

If not, maybe he needs to learn to be of your culture?
He is not. He is Mexican and I am white. There have been a few issues with cultural differences in the past but we seem to get through them alright
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

Every woman with a child faces this problem. People think that their lives will be unchanged when the kids come. Your H needs to wake the heck up and realize that you can't do it all. Since, he has time to complain about the laundry sitting on the sofa, he can start folding them. Start directing him to do some house work.

MIL in the house is a bad idea. Can your H support you guys if you don't work? Did he realize you are starting a new business?
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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Originally Posted by _anonymous_ View Post
Sorry to hear that your husband has overlooked all of the major positive things that you're doing, and has chosen to focus on what appears to be relatively minor negative things. Given your post, here are some of my thoughts...

Your rationale for flexibility is a good one, but starting a business just for this seems premature, given your situation. How much "school stuff" and "practices" do you have with a 5-yr old and a 3-mo old? I would imagine next to none.
My five year old is in two baseball leagues (two practices a week and games all day Saturday) He also is having temporary health issues and has multiple doctors appointments and a surgery scheduled for next week. He also goes to school so there is drop off, pickup, and homework. This was part of the reason my husband didn't want me to return to work because he was having to take too much time off between the both of us to care for issues like this. My baby doesn't have any activities besides for normal baby checkups, but she also requires constant care during the day (diaper changes, breastfeeding around the clock, etc.).

Quote:
Originally Posted by _anonymous_ View Post
Did you discuss starting the business with your husband before quitting your job and taking out loans for business expenses? What were his expectations regarding your business, in terms of your weekly commitment-level, contributions to finances, etc? For just a moment, let me play devil's advocate. Along the lines of the previous question, how have you met your husband's expectations of contributions to the household finances? For all of the time you put into your business in addition to these chores, is it profitable?

This is a key piece of information. If your business is not profitable, your husband likely credits your time spent doing business-related work as a hobby versus actual work. Making the same assumption, if your husband is the sole breadwinner, it's a natural (and reasonable) expectation that the spouse not contributing to the household income helps out more around the house.
My husband was the one that advocated and pushed that I start this business as soon as possible to help pay off my student loans. He expects it to be profitable of course, but we have not opened yet so there is no way to tell as of now. No loans were taken out, we used cash and were in agreement with it being used in this way. I have always contributed financially in some way to my family. Prior to this I was working 12+ hours a day as an accountant at a big firm. I worked until my 40th week of pregnancy. I still did all of the housework, bills, and childcare.



Quote:
Originally Posted by _anonymous_ View Post
Whatever your situation and that of your business, it seems like your husband should be more involved when it comes to the division of labor, and more appreciative of all that you do.

It's inevitable that if one spouse spends more time in the house and has more flexibility in his/her day job, the spouse working outside the house sets these expectations. I work from home, and face this issue with my wife, who works at a hospital and sometimes has very early starts. She frequently assumes I can do a greater share of household chores, am available to run her errands at any point during the day (e.g. carting her to work, bringing her lunch, going to the post office or DMV). In the end, I feel my wife's expectations are unfair, so I feel your pain.

I would hail back to the expectations established with your husband when your business was getting off the ground. Remind him of the time commitment, what was agreed, and that you're treating this as real work, so he should respect your time in the home office as the same.
I agree. This was one of the reasons we decided a job with more flexibility would work better for the family. I WANT to be a great wife, mother, and contributor to my family financially and still be there for my kids. I feel that there is an implied expectation that everything be perfect all the time and it just isn't possible. I'm doing the best I can.


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Originally Posted by _anonymous_ View Post
I think this could be more trouble than it's worth. Is there any reason your husband might feel a need to help her (is she in need of a place to stay, something else)?
It is more trouble. She lives across town, isn't very comfortable taking care of the baby. She has a place of her own but stays with her other children and "helps" all of the time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by _anonymous_ View Post
Stay to keep the family together or because you think there's hope for your husband, not because of the business lease. Try not to let factors like this affect your decision-making.

In general, if you've brought children into this world, you must weigh the certain, adverse effects on them over their future from a divorce, versus the potentially uncertain benefits you (and perhaps they) would reap from moving on.

I would recommend marriage counseling before divorce. I feel unappreciated by my wife just about every week, and I don't believe that alone is good grounds for dissolving a marriage. Good luck!
I will suggest counseling again as I have in the past. My husband doesn't agree, but maybe I would benefit from some solo therapy. I want my family together, it would break my heart to have my kids raised in a broken home. With the criticism and pointing out of flaws even though I am genuinely doing my best, I feel like I am breaking as a person.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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Yet another idiot who thinks his 40-50 hour workweek precludes his lazy ass from doing a single thing once he gets home. Don't you wish at 5:00pm YOU could stop working too, and lay on the couch with a complete sense of self-entitlement just like he does? But no, your job continues 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. The fact that you've chosen to work from home rather than driving to an office and dropping off your kids at daycare means nothing to him. Like many fools, he just expects you to bring in a paycheck AND be Super Woman doing it all at home, as well.

I laugh my ass off every time some guy comes on TAM and posts about how he works all day and then is forced to come home at night and do all the cleaning and cooking and laundry and food shopping and toilet scrubbing and child care and he acts as though he's SO damned put upon. Yet women are just expected to contribute financially AND do all this crap at home as well.
Yeah, before this I had a 60 hour work week and still had to come home and do everything. He helped a little more when I was working outside of the home but nothing consistent and I always had to beg.

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Just wait until the whining starts that you're "not paying enough attention to him and he feels neglected" and the complaining that you're not being a sex kitten for him 5 nights a week because you're too damned exhausted to read a book at bedtime, much less anything else.
Some of them never evolve and will always expect you to work your tail to the bone catering to everyone but yourself. That ain't nothing new.
The sex life has been down the drain since the baby was born. I'm exhausted and feel gross. He is very focused on looks and I know I don't meet his expectations right now.

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Well, that's your BIGGEST mistake right there. Letting Mr. Self Entitled think he's right. I wouldn't expect much different from him even after you're bringing in a weekly paycheck if you're going to continue giving in to him every time he acts like an ass-clown and starts his childish yelling (which is often from the sounds of it).
I agree that I shouldn't let things go, but arguing goes literally nowhere with us. He won't apologize and everything he does is because of me/ It's exhausting trying to talk to him and I feel I can't handle the insult slinging so I just let it be.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
Every woman with a child faces this problem. People think that their lives will be unchanged when the kids come. Your H needs to wake the heck up and realize that you can't do it all. Since, he has time to complain about the laundry sitting on the sofa, he can start folding them. Start directing him to do some house work.

MIL in the house is a bad idea. Can your H support you guys if you don't work? Did he realize you are starting a new business?
I have tried asking for help. We even made a spreadsheet with household chores and who does what. He doesn't stick to it.

I agree about the MIL being a bad idea. It makes me uncomfortable.

Yes we are more than comfortable on his income alone. He just got a big raise which made up for some of what we lost when I quit my job. He knows about the business and has been very supportive of it.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

Does he want you to be a full time stay at home mum?

Maybe you could hire some one to do some light cleaning and laundry, so you can concentrate on the business. That way both of you are happy.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

Ok I think you need to slow down....

I've got multiple twins, both worked,w did self employment thing, I travelled, etc.

First, you probably are doing things you Want Versus need to do. This is very common. When the kids were little, frankly showers were a luxury for my W. I made bottles by the pitcher but travelled so she handled it all

You can not be all things to all people. Make a list of your priorities and then begin to remove things. This is time management and your prior accounting experience qualifies you to do this - but you must accept that something HAS to go

Next, prioritize sex and intimacy with your H. Do this for you and your marriage - not just for him. I'd bet dollars to donuts that his complaints and attitudes are impacted by a lack of intimacy and "that look in your eyes" that he is missing. Again - this is about you mostly but realize he'll make your life harder if you don't meet some of his needs.

So schedule sex, and align shower and light house cleaning on this nights. It's a marital compromise. If you try this once or twice a week, you both get something and you remove that pressure the rest of the week.

If you improve your intimacy this way, when you're cuddling you can start to reconnect and let him know how you're feeling and what you need from him. Believe me, he'll be in a much more receptive frame of mind if he sees you focusing on him along with everything else you're focused on

The goal is: do less; be more strategic; work on your marriage; rebuild your "team" with H; and start to solve these issues as a team

You sound very competent so I believe you can do this. Plus you will feel the rewards of being a mom; having a good marriage; and having adult stimulation in your work over time.

It's just a hard period of time now


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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: I can't do this anymore

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It sounds like your husband wants you to be a stay at home mom. If that is the case and you quit your job to do all these things he wants you to do is his earning potential high enough to support the family?

Why are you killing yourself doing it all. Figure out what it is you want. If you want to raise your kids and be home than stop the business and focus on that. If you want to continue working than get some help in the form of daycare, maids..etc. You can't do it all, your health will suffer, your marriage will suffer and in the end your children will suffer.

I wish you all the best. Take some time for the person that so many people rely on.





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Hind site is always 20/20 but no matter how you try to rationalize against it, being a SAHM or staying home building a business usually is not the best for the family. You should have went back to to work and pursued a career. Anybody whether male or female need to get out of the "kid zone" at least some of the time. Have you tried to get your old job back or something similar?
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