Thoughts on trust after betrayal? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:42 PM Thread Starter
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Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

I wanted to gather some opinions of others on this subject.

My best friend and I have differing opinions on how you proceed with future relationships after being betrayed in previous ones. (disclaimer, my bff is a man and I am stupidly in love with him. Anyway) Both of us have been cheated on more than once.

His stance:
When starting a new relationship, you give your full trust until proven otherwise. Respect your partner's "privacy", no need to share passwords, or check up on social media interactions, etc, until that person gives you reason to think something is going on.

My stance:
Learn from your previous mistakes. Full transparency on both sides. (phones, etc...) Doesnt mean you go digging all the time, but share so that the other person is assured of your openness. No online chat with OSF, at least not new ones, or EX's/FWB.

He says that this is punishing your new partner for the mistakes of those in the past. I say you need to learn from your past and take steps to protect and respect your relationship. Full blind trust used to be automatic for me, until it came back to bite me.

I would love to see other opinions on this!


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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Both your stances are valid.

Just pick a romantic partner with the same values regarding the subject.

Someone wanting privacy is not the same thing as hiding nefarious conduct. Unless of course they are doing so.

That said, I see both your points. there are arguments for each.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

I think you should always be realistic. 100% trust is probably not healthy. I didn't get this until I was cheated on, but I was mistaken.

Quote:
Full transparency on both sides. (phones, etc...) Doesnt mean you go digging all the time, but share so that the other person is assured of your openness. No online chat with OSF, at least not new ones, or EX's/FWB.
This sounds like boundaries to me. If the person doesn't want to heed them that doesn't make it a punishment. They are not entitled to a relationship with you under any conditions. My boundaries would have always been exactly like what you wrote even before I was cheated on. Not that there were cell phones then like they are now. Nothing wrong with not wanted to follow them either. This is the point of dating to see if you fit.

If I were to get to the point of committing to someone who had been cheated on. I would try to be even more transparent because I understand. I don't think I would get mad about it. I may even sit down and show her my emails. I might make it a point to send her pictures of me with my guy friends when I go out so she knows that is where I am at. Probably would just do it and not let on that I was doing it to make her feel safe. I have no female close friends who are not friends with my wife. I also have some work colleagues but that is what they are. I would make it my mission to earn her trust. I wouldn't worry that I didn't have it at first because I know how it feels.

One thing I would say though. What helped me get over the fear was to not be so dependent on anyone's love to the point that I couldn't live without it. If my wife cheated I would be devastated, but ultimately I know I could still have a good rest of my life. I would be alright. That is a healthy place to be, and it helps with the fear.

I wrote up a list of all my passwords and gave them to my wife. I have absolutely nothing to hide. I believe in being authentic and open to the point of making an ass of myself on a marriage board once or twice. I can only be in a relationship with someone who thinks the same way. Maybe this one just isn't the guy for you.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
I wanted to gather some opinions of others on this subject.

My best friend and I have differing opinions on how you proceed with future relationships after being betrayed in previous ones. (disclaimer, my bff is a man and I am stupidly in love with him. Anyway) Both of us have been cheated on more than once.

His stance:
When starting a new relationship, you give your full trust until proven otherwise. Respect your partner's "privacy", no need to share passwords, or check up on social media interactions, etc, until that person gives you reason to think something is going on.

Totally agree with this in NEW relationships.

My stance:
Learn from your previous mistakes. Full transparency on both sides. (phones, etc...) Doesnt mean you go digging all the time, but share so that the other person is assured of your openness. No online chat with OSF, at least not new ones, or EX's/FWB.

Totally agree with this in marriage where a spouse has every right to know what is going on in their own life. Because marriage is a financial, family, and life commitment, a spouse shares everything in the marriage that could have a direct effect on their life together.

He says that this is punishing your new partner for the mistakes of those in the past. I say you need to learn from your past and take steps to protect and respect your relationship. Full blind trust used to be automatic for me, until it came back to bite me.

I don't see a high need for Openness and Honesty as punishment, but if someone does, they probably should pick a partner who has never been betrayed, because those who have will likely have a higher need for O & H.

I would love to see other opinions on this!
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 05:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I think you should always be realistic. 100% trust is probably not healthy. I didn't get this until I was cheated on, but I was mistaken.



This sounds like boundaries to me. If the person doesn't want to heed them that is not a punishment. They are not entitled to a relationship with you under any conditions. My boundaries would have always been exactly like what you wrote even before I was cheated on. Not that there were cell phones then like they are now.

If I were to get to the point of committing to someone who had been cheated on. I would try to be even more transparent because I understand. I don't think I would get mad about it. I may even sit down and show her my emails. I might make it a point to send her pictures of me with my guy friends when I go out so she knows that is where I am at. Probably would just do it and not let on that I was doing it to make her feel safe. I have no female close friends who are not friends with my wife. I also have some work colleagues but that is what they are. I would make it my mission to earn her trust. I wouldn't worry that I didn't have it at first because I know how it feels.

One thing I would say though. What helped me get over the fear was to not be so dependent on anyone's love to the point that I couldn't live without it. If my wife cheated I would be devastated, but ultimately I know I could still have a good rest of my life. I would be alright. That is a healthy place to be, and it helps with the fear.

I wrote up a list of all my passwords and gave them to my wife. I have absolutely nothing to hide. I believe in being authentic and open to the point of making an ass of myself on a marriage board once or twice. I can only be in a relationship with someone who thinks the same way. Maybe this one just isn't the guy for you.
You and I are on exactly the same page! Especially in regards to helping a betrayed partner feel safe. This was my EXACT thoughts.

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Less rose colored glasses and more mindfulness.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Provided the relationship has matured into "mutual" and "stated" exclusiveness I agree with openness.
Trust must be earned. Especially, during hard stressful times.

I am very open and would have no problem with this....unless I had someone on the side.
But, if that were the case, I would not agree to being exclusive...and the relationship would likely soon fold.

No games, just mutual relationship enjoyment.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 07:35 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Your points are valid and may show where compatibility problems will aide in helping our pickers work better next time around.

I trust fully unless given motive to not do so anymore. I want the same from a partner. I don't want the "flaws" of another to interfere with my clean slate so to speak. It's not fair. if we differ in this respect, we simply part ways.

Internal pep talk coming for ME: "Picker, please help me pick a more suitable partner to love and be loved by. This one was not a good match even if the chemistry is there...next"

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:10 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

If you read articles about it, they all say that it takes a very long time to regain trust after cheating. Another side effect is that the person cheated on will bring it up frequently over the fist few years. They will also be very suspicious of their partner whenever they are not together. The one who cheated has to make sure that they do not do anything to give their partner any reason to be suspicious like not allowing access to their phone and computer. No whispered phone calls or going out with the girls all night long. It is a difficult thing that many couples cannot deal with for long. I chose to leave my ex fiancee when she cheated. I could not imagine marrying someone who has admitted that they are liars and cannot be trusted so how do you trust them when they say they are sorry and never will do it again. Most will do it again.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
I trust fully unless given motive to not do so anymore. I want the same from a partner. I don't want the "flaws" of another to interfere with my clean slate so to speak. It's not fair. if we differ in this respect, we simply part ways.
Yeah it's kind of like, I will trust you but I know people let people down. I may trust you but I know I may be wrong. That is the difference for me, as before it was I trust you.. full stop...

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Yeah it's kind of like, I will trust you but I know people let people down. I may trust you but I know I may be wrong. That is the difference for me, as before it was I trust you.. full stop...
This was me as well. Before it happened to me, it never once occurred to me NOT to trust my partner. Seems pretty naive now looking back, makes me wonder if others cheated on me as well and I had no idea....

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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:59 AM
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Cool Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

After marital and even non-marital "betrayal," the element of "trust" largely goes out the window, and seldom ever returns!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

Well in a new relationship you really have no right to push for much of anything. If my GF and I just finished the " let's be exclusive talk" and she then said now that we are boyfriend and GF show me everything that would be the worlds shortest relationship lol.

As things develop I think it's ok to find levels of trust both are comfortable with and if one person isn't then that relationship should probably just end.

I have also been cheated on but I put that experience solely on the person who did it, my x wife. My GF isn't her and I don't assume she will cheat on me. That said the days of loving blind and naive are long over. I have no reason not to trust her but if my instincts started to say something was off I wouldn't ignor them like I once did. We live together and I have no access to her phones nor email and she doesn't have access to mine either. I would likely let her look if she ever asked and I think she would do the same however neither of us give any reason to suspect anything.

I imagine it would be exhausting to always assume you are going to be cheated on. I want a relationship not one of espionage. This is one of the 1000's of reasons I would never reconcile with someone wno cheated on me .
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
After marital and even non-marital "betrayal," the element of "trust" largely goes out the window, and seldom ever returns!
Sure seems to be true! I am actually very surprised by my friend's view on this, what he went through with his ex wife was really awful. Then more than one gf after her also cheated, so he would certainly be entitled to have serious trust issues!

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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: Thoughts on trust after betrayal?

I would say I lean more toward "his stance" but with a caveat. I have learned to lower my expectations. I have accepted that most don't live by my moral standards of honesty, trust and commitment. Sad isn't it? That's what happens after a life time of the people closest to me not being trust worthy or dependable, and my ex wife pretty much nailed the coffin closed.

But I will say this...there are people in my life who I trust without reservation, but those people have been in my life for many years and have always proved to be true friends. But someone new in my life? I don't need to know all their passwords and I'm not going to dig into every secret of their past, I'm going to trust and believe until shown otherwise, they just have a very small window of opportunity.
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