Re: She Can't Let The Past Go
I was in your gf's shoes.
My husband and I were immature for the first five years of our marriage. He was good at criticizing me and my work, made me feel like I'm not good enough and we both were bad at handling conflicts.
If I were to describe my first five years using one word, it is "hell". Although there were good times but it became a habit that I am nervous and defensive around him and my mind has reprogrammed itself to remember extra hard on the negative experiences with him...
It is hard to forgive wrongdoings, especially when you put effort in repairing the relationship and the other person just kept finding faults.
But, you and your gf are in luck. Especially your gf. Why? Because I'm here. XD if she is willing, she will learn the greatest life skill: forgiveness and acceptance.
Invite her to read my post: it is written for her:
You need to know that:
1) Your negative feelings and thoughts about your bf will affect him badly sooner of later.
I almost turned my husband into the very person I dislike: the bad guy. Did you read about how students behave according to teachers' expectations? Just Google keywords "teacher expectation influence students behavior"
If you want a better relationship, you have to let go. Give him a blank slate. View him as a new person with zero sins. Kinda renew your relationship with him. A new beginning. A new you and a new him. Kinda like a new relationship with a new person.
Negativity will eat the relationship. First it affects you, and then your bf and then Hope for the relationship.
2)How to forgive:
Understand that forgiveness is NOT about forgetting what he did. Because you can't forget.
To forgive is to accept that, yes, he was stupid/cruel/ and he had hurt you badly overtime. Yes, he ______. And you were ______ . and accept that you WILL feel hurt, angry and resentful from time to time in the future.
You cannot forget that a person has hurt you.
You won't be able to forget the pain so easily.
You will feel hurt, anger, vengence and all that bad feelings again, although the degree this time may be lessen.
But it's OK. He realized now. He, innately, is a good person who wants to have a good relationship with you.
Yes, that selfish/rude/ uncaring behavior of that ignorant/insensitive person has hurt me.
Yes, it made me feel anger, hurt, vengence, hatred.
And it's okay. It happened.
This doesn't mean it is morally alright for what that person had done.
Forgiveness just means that the event had happened and you're hurt and he was stupid.
And you accept the reality of it, and decided to move on, and say, "it's okay. Nevermind. Let's keep on living peacefully and put this behind."
Once i have accepted what happened, the anger, hatred and all that negativity suddenly ... fluttered away.
And i am free to love again.
Ever wonder why some people are rude, uncaring, unkind or selfish?
I think it is because they are either insensitive (unable to put themselves in your shoes) or have not gone through you had. So forgive. At least your bf is smart now. Lol.
1) telling him you are giving him a blank slate. A new beginning. From now on, he is a new person to you.
2) accept the past. You don't have to forget or let go. Just accept it happened and now it is time to have
A new relationship with him (a new person) how exciting.
I did it. You can too.