Toxic Friend - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Toxic Friend

Hello. I'm new here. I need friends to tell me if how I'm feeling is right or wrong. So, my husband has a brother that he's very close to. They're in their 50s. Hubby's bro has a toxic friend who is a woman-hater, lives with bro and sponges off of him, brainwashes him because bro's wife died 2 yrs ago and bro is also big-hearted and lonely. So, the toxic friend, we'll call him Mooch, has tried to get rid of more than one person close to bro over the past 4 years since he showed up on the scene. Finally, it was my turn. I tried to get along with Mooch because I love my brother-in-law but Mooch had other plans. He started verbally abusing me, calling me things like "fat bi-ch, fat c-nt" and said things like "you need to run around the block a few times." These things were told to me on the phone so when I had a fit and tried to tell my hubby that I didn't want him to go to his bro's anymore, all hell broke loose. Bro was mad, hubby was mad and I was hurt. My son wanted to go kick Mooch's ass but my hubby just wanted to see his bro. So, long story short, Mooch has now come up with "I'm dying of cancer" but there's no proof and now hubby and bro feel sorry for him and I continue to look like the *****. Hubby goes to bro's every single Saturday no matter what and if I try to get him to stay home, he pouts and nitpicks at things. As long as he gets to be around Mooch, whom he now adores just like bro does, then hubby treats me good. But I'm still hurt. I've only told you a few things that Mooch said to me. There's been more but it's never around hubby or bro, even though I've told them everything. I don't feel loved. Help.

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

I don't know what to say, other than if I were your husband I would kick his ass whether or not he has cancer. And probably the brother too, if he got in the way.

No one calls my wife things like that without me unleashing an industrial sized can of whoop-ass on them.

Does hubby not believe that he says those things? If so, try recording him.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

Can you invite Bro over to your home? That way, your hubby and you can see him without Mooch? You will not be able to stop your hubby from seeing his brother (nor should you want that) however, if you can get bro away from Mooch on those visits, that might help the situation.

You say that Mooch has alienated Bro's friends, how about turning the tables on Mooch and hosting a gathering at your home with Bro and his friends, without inviting Mooch?

Your third alternative could be that you go with your hubby to visit Bro anyway. Allow Mooch to start with the insults and call him out. "Excuse me???...WHAT did you just say to me"? Don't make it a fight, however, see if your hubby or his bro take up for you, or even notice. Draw out Mooch's nastiness for all to see and see what happens. But you need to keep your cool and not allow yourself to be baited into a fight. Leave all the drama on Mooch.

Good luck with the situation! You are not wrong is disliking Mooch for the way he speaks to you and others. However, you need to take control of the situation and not allow yourself to be labeled the "bad guy".
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

Express strong opposition to your husband visiting his brother at his brother's residence. Have him invite his brother to your home and not this other guy. Tell him that visiting his brother on any other terms will disrespect you, since by socializing with Mooch, he maintains a friendship with someone who has verbally attacked his wife!

I believe it's irrelevant if your husband believes you or not. Your word (as his wife) should trump the word of Mooch, assuming this other guy denied saying these things to you. And if your husband has befriended someone with cancer, that friend must respect you, regardless of his health. This is a line that shouldn't be crossed.

I don't condone violence over insults and disrespect. If people are poisonous and cross lines, cut them out of your life.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by manwithnoname View Post
I don't know what to say, other than if I were your husband I would kick his ass whether or not he has cancer. And probably the brother too, if he got in the way.

No one calls my wife things like that without me unleashing an industrial sized can of whoop-ass on them.

Does hubby not believe that he says those things? If so, try recording him.
Yes, did that...and spent a night in jail.

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The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

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Originally Posted by Jo3163 View Post
As long as he gets to be around Mooch, whom he now adores just like bro does, then hubby treats me good. But I'm still hurt. I've only told you a few things that Mooch said to me. There's been more but it's never around hubby or bro, even though I've told them everything. I don't feel loved. Help.
So go with hubs the next time he visits his brother. Observe Mooch. My guess is that Mooch will be sickeningly sweet to you and wonder why you don't love him as much as hubs and bro. He may toss out a few oblique barbs, but if you acknowledge them, he'll turn it around on you and your dislike of him.

Going to see how he operates will at least give you a solid heads-up as to what you are up against. Just don't be alone with him under any circumstances, because he'll start his trash talk. If he calls and starts in on you? QUICKLY end the conversation with, "Sorry I have a cake in the oven."

I realize my suggestion is only a temporary fix, but at least you'll know what you're up against.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Yes, did that...and spent a night in jail.

Well if that is where you honed your entertaining literary skills, then it was all worth it my friend.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:39 PM
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Re: Toxic Friend

Or get a var and call him and record it


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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Toxic Friend

If you're telling me your husband is letting cancer kill this scum before he does, then you've got some prize on your hands. Nobody would speak to my wife in that manner and expect to see the next sunrise, brother included.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Toxic Friend

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Originally Posted by manwithnoname View Post
I don't know what to say, other than if I were your husband I would kick his ass whether or not he has cancer. And probably the brother too, if he got in the way.

No one calls my wife things like that without me unleashing an industrial sized can of whoop-ass on them.

Does hubby not believe that he says those things? If so, try recording him.
It should start with your husband kicking his ass, then your son kicks hes ass and then your BIL should kick his ass on the way to throwing him out of his home. Problem solved.

And just for the hell of it you may has well take a couple shots at him as well!

I say hooray for your son for being such a good boy, at least he was offended enough to be pissed.

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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Toxic Friend

Go visit with Hubby and don't take on Mooch. Be nice to him and see what happens. And tape everything he says to you.

I love your son by the way. He is ready to defend his mama.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Toxic Friend

There has to be a reason that "mooch" has completely brainwashed your husband and brother in law.
I would suggest drugs.Just a thought.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Toxic Friend

He believes it because Mooch didn't deny it. Just said he didn't mean it and he was just drunk, blah, blah, blah. Drinkers are different than normal men, in my opinion. They need their drinking buddies almost more than their spouses. I've never been considered to be fat or ugly so that makes the comments even worse for me.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Toxic Friend

Mooch sounds like an ugly nasty drunk, who thinks because he was drunk that excuses his nasty behavior. Start inviting your BIL over. Cook some nice stuff for the guys, let your H knows in advance that his brother is coming over and let them know this is family time. Mooch not invited.

I hate nasty drunks. I avoid them like the plague.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Toxic Friend

Thank you all. The brother-in-law's wife died. They didn't get along so he didn't even like being around hubby & me before she died because for the most part, we get along & hubby is affectionate; seems like almost more affectionate around bro, which kinda irritates me because I feel like he isn't sincere but just showing off. I'm going to have to figure out how to reply to individual replies - if anyone can tell me, that would be great. As for me going over there, one thing is, they stay outside and I'm light-skinned so I don't tan, I burn & I can't breathe that well in heat over 70. I'm starting to hate the way I'm sounding - like a poor me. I usually just hold all of this inside. It's therapy just to type it out.
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