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post #16 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:20 PM
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Re: New Here!

Apologies...

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post #17 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: New Here!

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Andy,

Hello, I'm a bit confused about your reply? I never stated anything about moving on or moving out? I'm new to this and not sure what I am doing, so maybe you are responding to something I don't see?
My iPad is messed up,sorry
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post #18 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:36 PM
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Re: New Here!

Sounds like a ****. I'd start planning your exit... as in stashing cash and having him put his $$ into assets you can split with him. Take him for all he's worth.
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post #19 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: New Here!

If he acts this way again then put the phone down immediately. I cant understand why you rang him back. I dont think its ever appropriate for a married man to hang around in bars when he is away from home, especially when he is getting drunk.The fact that he gets angry when you ask him where he has been and who with is a big red flag. Probably guilt.

He seems to think that because he earns a lot he can act as he likes doing goodness knows what and you should put up with it. His attitude is terrible. Why did his first marriage end?
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post #20 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:43 PM
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Re: New Here!

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Aine, thank you! I actually have a degree in addition counseling but dealing it with it personally is a totally different ball game. My husband has admitted that he has an issue he needs to work on. He does much better, but when he drinking at times he can be mean and confrontational. I've voiced my concern that I would think a person who is intoxicated is more likely to cheat, he has said he's not a scum bag and would never. I do think he has a problem drinking, I don't believe he would cheat on me. He's 45, and did tell me in his previous marriage when he was 28 or so he did kiss another women. I appreciated his honesty and we all make mistakes. Do I worry about my husband away from me drinking, I do. Does it make me feel uncomfortable that he goes out on a buisness trip with his team of men and women and gets drunk, I do. What no one has given there insight on is whether it would bother them or not if there spouse stayed out till midnight in a different country and got drunk? Am I overreacting, or should I just trust he'd never do anything? He's never given me a reason to believe he'd cheat, but maybe I'm just insecure regarding the idea of him out late with women who work for him, even though men are there too
No you are not overreacting at all. Hanging around in bars with other women and getting drunk are massively dangerous things to do. I have heard that affairs happening on work trips away are rife.
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post #21 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: New Here!

Hes a great guy expcept hes an angry drunk!
Hes a really great guy most of the time except hes a rude angry drunk!

Hmm.......... sounds like a great catch!

You can't fix him he needs to want to fix himself. And being a wealthy man traveling to world doing what he wants when he pleases. Yea i don't see him changing.

Start your exit plan
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post #22 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: New Here!

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Hello, I am a 40 year old women from Indiana, who has been remarried a year now. I really just need support. My husband is a very attractive, very successful businesses man. He has a past history of drinking issues, which I knew about when we were married. He is currently on a buisness trip overseas and it was his last night with his team from around the world. He called me after midnight there, and I could tell he was completely drunk. We started talking and I did ask where he went to dinner and with whom. This lead to twenty minutes of him yelling at me and calling me a jerk. After a few minutes I recorded the conversation because tomorrow he won't have a clue. After about 15 minutes, I called him back and the name calling continued. Should I just ignore it, or say something? If I treated him that way, he'd be fuming! He always says, and continues to say if I made hundreds of thousands of dollars, he wouldn't care of I was out all night, drunk with men. I find this insulting and bs, he'd be furious if I was out drunk. I'm just drained and don't know what to do. Thanks
Hi @Indianahoosier

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry you're going through this situation cause I know how tough and challenging it can be.

I do agree with @Evinrude58 - it's really important here that he recognises the consequences of his behaviour otherwise he will just settle in knowing that he can get away with it. The way he speaks to you whilst drunk is completely unacceptable and does need to be sorted out.

We get what we tolerate in life. In other words, whatever you set your standards as, you will get.
So if your standard is to have a man who will treat you with respect and love because thats what you deserve, then you will ensure that if he crosses the line, that there are consequences for that action. I'm not saying you have to verbally 'go off' at him, just communicate it in such as way that he knows in no uncertain terms that he needs to shape up. I know how hard this can be but the most important thing here is to ensure that you are treated well and I know women who have used this approach with success and has led to the male partner recognising that they need to shift their behaviour. One thing to add here is that, if he has some serious alcohol addictions (which I can't be sure of), then some professional help will probably be required.

In short, it is important to address this behaviour and not ignore it. Set your boundaries and ensure that if he crosses them, he is aware of it.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks
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post #23 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: New Here!

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Training my husband how he treats me? That seems a little extreme to me. So does moving out. The majority of the time, my husband is good. It is every now and again when he has been drinking that he is not very nice. I really haven't worried about not finding anyone else, I'm very firm on my commitment to my marriage. It's just dealing with someone who drinks is hard on me. I'm sorry, but I really needed support. Is calling me a fing jerk over and over on the phone abusive? Or was I in the wrong for asking him where he had been, and who he had been with, since he was obviously drunk. Am I overreacting to my husband being on a buisness trip out late drunk with his team that works for him? I honestly don't know
Just because you're offended doesn't negate the fact that this poster was correct in saying you've pretty much taught your husband how badly he can treat you because you ALLOW it.

You're so busy wearing your rose-colored glasses and talking about how 'wonderful' he is in every other aspect that you're almost willing to overlook this utterly disgusting and disrespectful treatment from him. I said ALMOST. And I say that because there are NO consequences for this **** behavior. The truth is that he's an abusive DRUNK.

And I'd be wondering what he's up to too, especially since he's always hating on YOU every time he's out somewhere getting drunk. This situation kind of sounds like the guy who purposely causes an argument with his wife so he can storm out of the house in righteous indignant anger but what he was REALLY doing was finding a way to get out of the house to go see his other woman. Maybe your husband is hating on you so he can hang up and justify doing whatever it is he does after hanging up on you.
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post #24 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: New Here!

I don't think you are overreacting at all to him getting drunk and calling you names. The bar hopping in and of itself seems to be the norm with work travel but how he conducts himself is key. I might be naive but I know my H does a LOT of sports bar hopping when he travels. He doesn't drink so no opportunity to get drunk but when he is with coworkers that's all they want to do and they love it that they have a designated driver. I don't THINK my H has ever cheated on me but when I ask him about his co workers hooking he has been quite evasive. But he does admit there is questionable behavior when they get drunk.

I assume that you married him because you thought his alcohol issues were behind him? Are you concerned at all that he may be back on that path? Because if he is you probably have some heartbreaking days ahead of you. Does he admit at all to having a problem with alcohol?
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post #25 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

My husband just texted me using WiFi on his way back to the states from the UK. I told him I recorded the conversation and what happened. He said he wasn't sorry for going out and having fun with his team, and that when some of them started to get goofy drunk and all wanted to go to a nightclub, he left. I stay at home now, but before I worked in counseling, so there was never any buisness travel. It just seems a bit odd to me. I understand his behavior was not acceptable, but how do I hold him accountable? I can tell him how it made me feel, and play the recording, I doubt he will listen to it though. He will say he's sorry, and he wants to move on and have a good weekend....

First of all, I have an idea of who his staff is from around the world and a few people from here. Most our are age, 40's married with kids, only one female I've met once from here is maybe 30ish, married with a young son. Maybe I'm insane, I can see all going out, but the fact that they were quiet frankly it sounds like getting sh## faced drunk in front of their boss and then all wanting to go out to a night club in London on a Thursday night? It's not like they are a bunch of twenty somethings. Is this normal behavior on work trips, to get wasted and going to night clubs?

My husband I think realized at the end of our texts he probably messed up and he said he's apparently a bad husband. I know he will come home, apologize and not want to talk about it. His drunkenness has caused a few (3) occasions at home this year. Once out with friends, when he got drunk and started talking about how much of a pain I was being pregnant. (I was mortified, I got pregnant with twins on my honeymoon, and then miscarried identical girls which no one knew about, and I suffered severe depression after) they other couple, especially the wife seemed confused as we obviously don't have kids together. We haven't heard from them since. It's that kind of weird drunk behavior he will do, or become mean at times. I'd say in the past year there has been five times, with the first two being very bad when he was drunk.

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post #26 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Before we were married, he admitted to me that he knew he had an issue with drinking, his father was an alcoholic and it's all he and his ex wife did together. They divorced because she had an affair, she is a nut job and I know this because she has harassed me and sent my husband flirtatious text messages wanting him back, which he told her to only contact about the kids and then ignored.

He has done much better with the drinking and he has tried. It's when he drinks too much that sometimes issues occur. He stated to me before the marriage, that he didn't want to drink during the week and only on the weekends. Since my degree is I'm addictions, I explained that I felt he couldn't drink again, and trying to "control" drinking to only certain times would be almost impossible. He has cut back a lot, but will drink during the week here and there around the kids. That type of drinking in front of kids wouldn't normally be an issue, but with his past and the fact that his ex is a functioning alcoholic and they see her drunk, hurts me that they shouldn't be around him drinking during the week at our house.

I'm sorry for the rambling. We're not some Jerry Springer family, we have great children who are honor roll students, involved in sports. I'm a soccer mom, who happens to be married to a successful man who at times drinks too much. Thanks for the input and time.
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post #27 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: New Here!

Another rug-sweeping event for you.

Might as well get your sleeves rolled up and prepare for more frequent "events', and eventually a big problem.
I don't think you were told what you wanted to hear. You really are allowing him to treat you like poo, tell you he's sorry when it's obvious he's not, he says he is ready to "move on". What he's really saying is that he is not listening to your complaints, not hearing your complaints, not changing his behavior, and you are expected to accept it and that's that. His attitude on this is about as arrogant and cold as one's attitude can get. It's quite obvious he knows he is in control and you aren't going to do anything about his bad behavior.
My suggestion is to leave indefinitely until he comes to realize that you are not accepting this drunken verbal/emotional abuse from him. Force him to either come to you and make amends, or move on with your life because you have enough intellect to know that his alcohol addiction is going to get worse and worse until it's no longer 95% good days and 5% bad, but 5% good and 95% bad.


It's your life. I personally think your modus operandi of rug-sweeping this stuff is going to come back and bite you in the rear like a starving Great White, but..........

GOOD LUCK!!!!! And I mean that. Relationships are hard.
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post #28 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: New Here!

Perhaps he needs to find a new "addiction"?

Since your degree is in this area, how does one swap unmindful addictions for mindful ones?

For example, meditation has become one of my foremost "addictions", it has taken the place of many unmindful things and interestingly enough, those friends and workmates who encouraged such unmindfulness before have unintentionally become thinned out too and my happiness is much more apparent in all other things touched.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #29 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: New Here!

Alcohol releases the inner you.
.................................................. .................................................. ......................
If the inner you is sweet "that" will be "the You" that emerges. If you are selfish, hateful, jealous, amorous, vicious, untrustworthy....alcohol brings "this" person out of the shadows.
.................................................. .................................................. ......................

You love the sober man, who keeps the "nasty" man in abeyance.
Problem: you married a conflicted person. You married two men and have "committed" yourself to a lifetime of facing both of them...living with both of them.

I believe you did this for a few reasons:

a) Like many women, you believe you can change him. Good Luck.
b) Like many people, you married for good looks.
c) Like many people, you are nice and kind. You are going to used by people who take advantage of this. You will be kicked in the teeth for being kind and understanding..until you say no more.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #30 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: New Here!

It's very common for guys to drink heavily on business trips. I do it myself if I'm with guys I get along well with. But assuming the marriage is healthy, they know they have an amazing woman waiting for them when they get back and the sex will be off the charts for a few days. There should be little or zero temptation to see if they "still got it" and try to hookup.

I traveled with one guy who would take his wedding band off and hookup with a girl every night. He lost his ring on one trip but he had a bunch of duplicates at home hidden. I can't believe he's still married, it's a joke.
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