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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: New Here!

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It's very common for guys to drink heavily on business trips. I do it myself if I'm with guys I get along well with. But assuming the marriage is healthy, they know they have an amazing woman waiting for them when they get back and the sex will be off the charts for a few days. There should be little or zero temptation to see if they "still got it" and try to hookup.

I traveled with one guy who would take his wedding band off and hookup with a girl every night. He lost his ring on one trip but he had a bunch of duplicates at home hidden. I can't believe he's still married, it's a joke.
I hope this guy is not a straw man.......

A straw man who lives in your pocket....gets taken out.....on trips.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: New Here!

You seriously need to stop making excuses for him. I cannot believe you married an alcoholic when YOU are an addiction counselor! What were you thinking? And you try to excuse YOUR choices away stating how its "different" when its your own situation! Your husband is an ALCOHOLIC. So you'd best start coming at this from that angle, this is the FACT. His behavior and treatment of you is abhorrent, and just because he isnt constantly in such a state does NOT make it ok. What would you advise one of your clients in your situation?? You need to pull yourself out of denial.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

I really didn't deal with relationship advice, I did get a get a bachelor's degree in addiction, and finished my practicum working with women in a addiction center. My work after consisted of working with children who have behavioral /emotional issues in the home, schools, in clinic.

I guess my advice to someone suffering from addiction would be to get yourself right before attempting to get into a relationship. While I knew before I married my husband he had dealt with alcohol issues before, they were not glaringly apparent and there was only one time he was out of line drunk, and after a year and a half I chalked that up to just being an idiot for that night. Since we've been married (a year next weekend) there have been five times, with the first two being insanly verbally abusive. While I did study it, it is completely different living it. For instance, I didn't know not to engage a drunk like I am learning now. The first two instances were when I went after him and stood my ground and yelled back. This year, I didn't really say anything, other than after the Super Bowl which was the first time I recorded him. Out of litteraly no where (he's not even a football fan) he became irate and started yelling that when my 14 year old son came back, he better not rub it in. I was shocked because my son and my husband have a good relationship, with the normal razzing each other about sports teams. It was crazy and I slept upstairs, which I had never done. My husband knew the next day he had made a huge mistake. The pregnancy misery out with another couple and the super bowl have been the only incidents this year before last night. So, I didn't realize how much alcohol would have an effect until we were married. I love my husband very much. I am a smart, caring attractive woman who feels empty right now. My husband constantly tells me all he wants is for me to be happy, but I feel like an insecure idiot. He tells me that I am make little things into big things, and I'm always playing the victim. When things like this come up, if he's home he will say (I was sexually abused as a young girl, and when I finally told my mom a few years later when we were supposed to go to this person's house for dinner, she did nothing and let me stay home but she and my father went to the dinner ; she didn't tell my father apparently till years later) he says I'm the victim and don't hold myself accountable. Maybe he is right, I don't. I apparently let people treat me like ****, but if I said that he'd say the victim thing. I was married before for over ten years, and my ex and his wife and I get along for the kids sake. I'm not a bad person, I guess I am in denial because I am truly in love for the first time. And no, it had nothing to do with his money or looks, even though we have an amazing sex life I've never had with anyone. He is usually a good person and he's ana amazing father, to the point I wonder sometimes how he says he loves me and obviously loves his children. When they throw a fit, he is upset that they are mad, but when things with me happens it's like he could care less, even though later he says that's not true.... Maybe I needed a good kick in the rear to hear what most of you are saying. I guess in my mind him calling me a fing jerk over and over wasn't like he was calling me a B. Apparently I need to go speak to someone.
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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: New Here!

He is deflecting blame. If he can make this about YOU then it takes all blame from him and makes YOU responsible for HIS horrible behavior. I think its important to note that he is doing this when he is sober. Look up articles about crazymaking, gaslighting, blameshifting. Typical alcoholic behavior/logic. Does any of this sound familiar:


How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.



Here is a link in regards to gaslighting and addiction, though you may be familiar already:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2...over-the-edge/

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/

Last edited by 3Xnocharm; 04-21-2017 at 12:15 PM.
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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: New Here!

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
You seriously need to stop making excuses for him. I cannot believe you married an alcoholic when YOU are an addiction counselor! What were you thinking? And you try to excuse YOUR choices away stating how its "different" when its your own situation! Your husband is an ALCOHOLIC. So you'd best start coming at this from that angle, this is the FACT. His behavior and treatment of you is abhorrent, and just because he isnt constantly in such a state does NOT make it ok. What would you advise one of your clients in your situation?? You need to pull yourself out of denial.
Some good will come out of this marriage.

When people come in to be counseled by you you will have:

a) Book knowledge
b) A degree, a fancy diploma on the wall.
c) The diploma in your heart and mind; one awarded by "The School of Hard Knocks".

You can help other people more effectively...after you help yourself out of this mess.

The best people to teach others how to tame lions are former Lion Tamers.

You are going to get good at taming "Lying Timers". You married a two-timer. He has you and he has an Irish cutey. She goes by "Redbreast", lives in Middleton, Ireland. She has a very small bum. And, as such, she is a Single Pot lass, not a two-seater, that one gives a wide berth to.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Wow 3xnocharm... I'm here sitting under the dryer my hair tin foiled so I look great when my husband gets home. The list of gaslighting makes me sick, I can check almost all of them off. I constantly feel to blame, I'm too emotional, I second guess everything, almost the entire list. My husband does do this when he is sober and I know he knows I'm madly in love and wouldn't leave, and when I have challenged him, he asks if I am threatening him and I better think again because he doesn't do threats. I'm trying not to cry here in the hair salon. I'm horrified. I've always been a strong women, went back and got the addiction degree as a single mom, felt confident. Thank you
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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: New Here!

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Originally Posted by Indianahoosier View Post
Wow 3xnocharm... I'm here sitting under the dryer my hair tin foiled so I look great when my husband gets home. The list of gaslighting makes me sick, I can check almost all of them off. I constantly feel to blame, I'm too emotional, I second guess everything, almost the entire list. My husband does do this when he is sober and I know he knows I'm madly in love and wouldn't leave, and when I have challenged him, he asks if I am threatening him and I better think again because he doesn't do threats. I'm trying not to cry here in the hair salon. I'm horrified. I've always been a strong women, went back and got the addiction degree as a single mom, felt confident. Thank you
I'm sorry. You ARE strong and confident, he has just made you believe you arent. He says he doesnt do threats.. then if he ever does say he's out, be sure and hold the door.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: New Here!

You are riding the roller coaster that is alcoholism. I always tell the codies (codependents) in these relationships that alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer. It will take down anyone in its path. You are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. And it's starting to progress, so be prepared.

First and foremost, you don't set consequences for HIS behavior; you set boundaries for what YOU will not accept. Until you do that, he'll just continue to crap on you whenever the mood hits him. And unpredictable, out-of-left-field behavior is par for the course when it comes to drunks. I married two alcoholics, so I know of what I speak.

Don't try to figure out why he does what he does and don't waste your time trying to make sense of nonsense. Don't try to make him see the light and seek help, have a come to Jesus moment, or believe any of his promises to cut back. For all you know, he's hiding how much he drinks. I was surprised where I'd find bottles when I cleaned house.

You want to talk to someone? Go sit in on a few Al-Anon meetings. The usual suggestion is to try six different meetings to see if you find one or several that are a good fit. I've been going to Al-Anon for over 20 years. I learned to keep my side of the street clean. Most importantly, I learned NOT to make any attempts to make an alkie see the light. It's an exercise in futility. I had to respect my husband's right to drink himself to death. And he did just that when he was found dead in January 2015.

Your husband may only have benders now and then (from what you actually know) but unless he addresses the problem himself, there is nothing you can really do. Detachment is a skill that takes time to learn. I am forever thankful that Al-Anon equipped me with the tools to learn how.

Something to consider. JMO.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:15 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you for that, and I'm very sorry about your husband. You have been through much pain, and I can't imagine. I don't believe my husband hides his drinking, he has no reason to. I'm here with him and he doesn't go out alone. Obviously on buisness trips, it's different but he is gone now only four days every other month, sometimes once a month but he could travel much more if he wanted. He is a CSO for a multi billion dollar company, which sounds glamorous maybe. It's so funny to me because I'm a target shopper, goodwill hunter at times, I grew up in a working class home. I'm a social worker when I work, which we decided last year I'd stay home for the next year now while our two youngest (happen to each have our own, same age/grade) finish elementary school. You said you attended meetings for years, may I ask why other than the obvious but that is a very long time to go. What made you stay in the relationship? Thank you for sharing such private information. H
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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 07:17 PM
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Re: New Here!

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You said you attended meetings for years, may I ask why other than the obvious but that is a very long time to go.
Probably the same reason an old-timer I know, who has 40 years sobriety, is still sitting in A.A. meetings. One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough. The after effects of being exposed to alcoholism just don't go away after a year of counseling. Plus, old timers sponsor newbies and keep working the program the rest of their lives.

You have minimized your husband's problem, which even he admits having. That is certainly your right. But someone who gets drunk five times a year? Uh, no ... that isn't remotely normal drinking. It certainly isn't social drinking by any stretch of the imagination.


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What made you stay in the relationship?
I didn't stay. I walked away from the mess in September 2009. I had intermittent contact with my husband until the final year of his life. There was no point in talking to him any longer; he as too far gone. We were legally married when he died. I stayed with him because I was mired in what-if thinking: "What if I can't financially make it on my own?" "What if he kicks me to the curb and leaves me destitute?" "What if my friends abandon me and I don't have a support system?"

When I left, I was done. I was nearly as crazy as the alcoholic. I left for my sanity. It was worth it.


I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #41 of 41 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 01:48 PM
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Re: New Here!

he sounds abusive if he hits you please leave him.
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