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post #1 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:26 PM Thread Starter
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Hello, I am a 40 year old women from Indiana, who has been remarried a year now. I really just need support. My husband is a very attractive, very successful businesses man. He has a past history of drinking issues, which I knew about when we were married. He is currently on a buisness trip overseas and it was his last night with his team from around the world. He called me after midnight there, and I could tell he was completely drunk. We started talking and I did ask where he went to dinner and with whom. This lead to twenty minutes of him yelling at me and calling me a jerk. After a few minutes I recorded the conversation because tomorrow he won't have a clue. After about 15 minutes, I called him back and the name calling continued. Should I just ignore it, or say something? If I treated him that way, he'd be fuming! He always says, and continues to say if I made hundreds of thousands of dollars, he wouldn't care of I was out all night, drunk with men. I find this insulting and bs, he'd be furious if I was out drunk. I'm just drained and don't know what to do. Thanks

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post #2 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:29 PM
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Re: New Here!

Uh I would not put up with that at all, you need to make sure he listens to that recording so he can hear how he spoke to you.
I would let him know it is not acceptable, and that you will not tolerate being treated like crap because he is drunk.



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post #3 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: New Here!

Never engage a drunk. Save the recording and play it for him when he returns (only when he's sober and not drinking). Read up on alcoholism and co-dependency. How much money makes, how handsome he is, etc doesn't give him a green light to be a drunk. It doesn't give him the right to be abusive.

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post #4 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Wow, thank you so much for the quick response. Similar things have happened before, and he will just he's sorry and do I want to move on or not. If I do something wrong, he stays mad for hours. He will be mad I recorded it. I recorded him one other time in our home when he was drunk after the Super Bowl and yelled at me for no reason at all. He never listened to it, but mentions it when he becomes hostile. The vast majority of the time my husband is great, but when he is drinking he becomes a different person. I am wrong to feel slightly uneasy about him being across the world drunk at a bar with men and women?
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post #5 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: New Here!

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Last edited by Andy1001; 04-20-2017 at 11:19 PM.
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post #6 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Thank you for your time This will probably sound ridiculous, but my undergraduate degree is in fact in addition counseling. I rarely drink, and studied it because my maternal grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. I never knew him, but I decided I wanted to study it. It is totally different being in a situation personally, and my husband would balk at the idea of him raising his voice and calling me a fing jerk continuously was abuse. Is it? I constantly feel like I am the one who is in the wrong. It's insane actually, isn't it? I'm completely embarrassed
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post #7 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: New Here!

What you are describing I can completely identify with. I can empathize with what you are going through. And, I definitely believe it to be verbal abuse. Alcoholics make excuses for their behavior and find ways to validate their drinking. I have found they will even do this while sober....and, after apologizing. It's really up to you as to how you want to deal with it. I would never try to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do, but I wanted you to know someone else understands what you are going through.


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post #8 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Andy,

Hello, I'm a bit confused about your reply? I never stated anything about moving on or moving out? I'm new to this and not sure what I am doing, so maybe you are responding to something I don't see?
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post #9 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:28 PM Thread Starter
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I really appreciate that, and it is nice in a way to know I am not alone. My husband almost didn't date me because of my degree. He and his ex wife were heavy drinkers, there marriage consisted of being with the same group and getting drunk all of the time. I am a complete opposite of his ex, who is loud and has to be the center of attention. I'm an introvert, and I rarely drink. I've often wondered how my husband could go from that life to ours. He does much better on the drinking, but has incidents like tonight now and again. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Is there any way I can help you? I am new to here, and still figuring out how this works
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post #10 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: New Here!

You really have no control over what he does. If you're staying in this, you have to shift your focus on to yourself. I'm surprised that you married him knowing his past and that he is an active drinker.

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post #11 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: New Here!

iH,
We train our spouse how to treat us. You are training him to know you will tolerate being yelled at and talked down to.
You need to explain to your husband that you aren't tolerating his behavior and will move out if necessary. Then do it.
Don't tolerate it and it won't happen if he really loves you.
I know it's hard when you have a SO that is both attractive and successful. You probably worry you won't find another personas successful and attractive as him. If you allow that fear to control you, you will be a victim of his terrible behavior. You just have to do it. Pull the trigger. Show him how serious you are about not being yelled and cursed at and told he can do whatever he wants.
If he doesn't care enough to change that, you will be miserable with him.
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post #12 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Training my husband how he treats me? That seems a little extreme to me. So does moving out. The majority of the time, my husband is good. It is every now and again when he has been drinking that he is not very nice. I really haven't worried about not finding anyone else, I'm very firm on my commitment to my marriage. It's just dealing with someone who drinks is hard on me. I'm sorry, but I really needed support. Is calling me a fing jerk over and over on the phone abusive? Or was I in the wrong for asking him where he had been, and who he had been with, since he was obviously drunk. Am I overreacting to my husband being on a buisness trip out late drunk with his team that works for him? I honestly don't know
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post #13 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:53 PM
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Re: New Here!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indianahoosier View Post
Hello, I am a 40 year old women from Indiana, who has been remarried a year now. I really just need support. My husband is a very attractive, very successful businesses man. He has a past history of drinking issues, which I knew about when we were married. He is currently on a buisness trip overseas and it was his last night with his team from around the world. He called me after midnight there, and I could tell he was completely drunk. We started talking and I did ask where he went to dinner and with whom. This lead to twenty minutes of him yelling at me and calling me a jerk. After a few minutes I recorded the conversation because tomorrow he won't have a clue. After about 15 minutes, I called him back and the name calling continued. Should I just ignore it, or say something? If I treated him that way, he'd be fuming! He always says, and continues to say if I made hundreds of thousands of dollars, he wouldn't care of I was out all night, drunk with men. I find this insulting and bs, he'd be furious if I was out drunk. I'm just drained and don't know what to do. Thanks
Sounds like your new H is an alcoholic or alcohol dependent. If you allow this treatment of you to continue it will destroy you unless you are a very strong person. I know because I put up with my AH and his emotional abuse and fits of violent behavior when I confronted him for years.

You can never argue with an alcoholic so it is best to avoid conversing with him when he is in that state.
It is good that you recorded him, play it back to him and see what he says. He may need to be confronted with the reality of who he is when drunk. He may be in denial.
You may have a man who will make promises to make things right but keep doing the same thing over and over, it will make you feel helpless because unless the man admits he has a problem there will be no changing, no trying to get help.
Already you are doubting your response, already he is walking over your boundaries, you will begin to accept more and more crap and expect less and less respect. Read all you can on alcoholism, understand it, read Bottled Up. com website and listen to the videos, having knowledge will help. Join the SoberRecovery.com website, lots of people there in the same position as you, share your story.
I suggest you join Al-Anon to learn how to handle your H also and to get back your peace. If you stay with him you are in for a roller coaster ride unless he gets help. You also have to realise that people who drink like this have less boundaries which can lead to infidelity issues too.
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post #14 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New Here!

Aine, thank you! I actually have a degree in addition counseling but dealing it with it personally is a totally different ball game. My husband has admitted that he has an issue he needs to work on. He does much better, but when he drinking at times he can be mean and confrontational. I've voiced my concern that I would think a person who is intoxicated is more likely to cheat, he has said he's not a scum bag and would never. I do think he has a problem drinking, I don't believe he would cheat on me. He's 45, and did tell me in his previous marriage when he was 28 or so he did kiss another women. I appreciated his honesty and we all make mistakes. Do I worry about my husband away from me drinking, I do. Does it make me feel uncomfortable that he goes out on a buisness trip with his team of men and women and gets drunk, I do. What no one has given there insight on is whether it would bother them or not if there spouse stayed out till midnight in a different country and got drunk? Am I overreacting, or should I just trust he'd never do anything? He's never given me a reason to believe he'd cheat, but maybe I'm just insecure regarding the idea of him out late with women who work for him, even though men are there too
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post #15 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: New Here!

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Originally Posted by Indianahoosier View Post
Training my husband how he treats me? That seems a little extreme to me. So does moving out. The majority of the time, my husband is good. It is every now and again when he has been drinking that he is not very nice. I really haven't worried about not finding anyone else, I'm very firm on my commitment to my marriage. It's just dealing with someone who drinks is hard on me. I'm sorry, but I really needed support. Is calling me a fing jerk over and over on the phone abusive? Or was I in the wrong for asking him where he had been, and who he had been with, since he was obviously drunk. Am I overreacting to my husband being on a buisness trip out late drunk with his team that works for him? I honestly don't know
Of course you're not wrong to ask him that question. You ar his wife, you are allowed to ask him anything you want. He is your husband and should WANT to make you feel secure when he's away. He called you drunk. Of course that alone would make any normal person worry.
You have to wonder if being called a jerk over and over is wrong? Wow.
Yes, it's wrong. Every couPle has fights. Lots of couples yell and curse. But, it should be pretty rare that there's name calling in a healthy relationship.

I'm don't think you should look for another man, and am not saying you should divorce at all.
I'm saying you should give a consequence that hits him hard over this clearly bad behavior, or it won't stop and will likely get worse.
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