I'm going to try and chronicle the promises that we have made and who keeps them and what happens.
Long loving hugs – 10 per day Morning hug – 15 seconds
Playful touches – 2 per day
Conversation – 30 mins per day Admiration/compliments 10 per day
Sexual Fulfillment – 2x per week
Play games – chess or ?
930-11 personal time 5-7 x per week
Wednesday Jan 21 - Played Risk. I gave him three hugs. Conversation was mutual. Personal time was done. (played risk)
Notes: Didn't decide till later in the afternoon. He invited me to go to Target with him (unusual) nothing too special there, but I gave him lots of hugs and kisses. He seemed to like them. Now if he would only start being the leader! Yes yes, be patient...
i reckon in my relationship id say im more the leader and so im more likely to keep ideas in the relationship going.
your promise chronicles are good ideas.
its funny how we can each have our own ways on helping a marriage .
my family and relationship circles are on a similar understanding.
but looking at yours , i can take something from them.
as for the b patient bit - hey these are courting ideas, there fun.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: Promises Made...
Cute way to address the things that are important to you both. On a sub level very sly. Most men like lists and goals. Things that can be measurable. You may be working on him at a level that he is not even aware of. Let us know how this works out for you.
Keeping promises was a key part of the "boundaries" link that I passed on to you from ljtseng. I have been guilty in the past of breaking promises to my kids, and after I realised just how bad this was, I decided not to make them very often.
I realised, I made them to make the kids happy, but when I didn't deliver, it turned me into a dud dad. So now, rather than promise something nice (which I might not live up to), I prefer to just do the nice thing out of the blue.
Thursday Jan 22 - H woke up very cranky. Just gave him space for an hour or so till he got to his second cup of coffee. He even gave my 8yr old son (whom he despises) a hug when I suggested it. That was a very big deal for him. That evening we Played trivial pursuit. He was nice and affectionate to me all day. I got a migraine about 10pm, took some meds that knock me out.
He came to bed at 1am and initiated sex. No foreplay, spooning me from behind. basically poked me in the lower back sort of thing. Guys, surely there is a better way of waking your woman up for sex?? lol. Entire session lasted four minutes from start to his coming. I was sooooo tired. Tried to ask him to wait till sometime when i was more awake. he ignored me. Afterwards he patted me in a rather condecending way, gave me a kiss and said 'there you can go back to sleep now" rolled over and went to bed. Yeesh!!
I didn't say anything about it - just acted like i liked it. Well, at least he's initiating sex. if you can call it that. How on earth do I get us back to having sex that it mutually enjoyable? Thank goodness I only agreed to 2x a week! This wham bam stuff stinks.
Friday Jan 23 - Nice to me all day, very sweet and affectionate. No longer doing the passive aggressive stuff. Nothing in what he's actually doing so much as a total change in attitude. A few hugs, some nice conversation. He drove the kids to their "grandma" (all but the baby) for the weekend. It's a one hour drive and he left at 7pm. He was gone till after midnight (when I went to bed)
Saturday Jan 24 - Slow day. several hugs. Nothing special. we went to the fights at a friends house. One time, when Paul was outside alone and the girls (my friends) were in the kitchen, one of the girls said to 'flash' Paul. they do this to their husbands if they know nobody else can see. I've seen them do this before and the hubsbands either blush or give a big thumbs up from outside or whatever. So I did. I'm not usually that bold. Paul just shrugged his shoulders at us like "what was that for?". Ok. don't do that again! Boy did i feel stupid. Then later I was feeling sleepy after the fights were over on TV (it was about 1am) I lay down on the couch in the den while all the guys went to play Magic. A little while later the same girl (Monica) that told me to flash my H brought in his coat to cover me with. Chivalry by proxy? H didn't offer the coat, she went in and basically told him to give it to me. Then told me it was his responsibility to his woman. Well ok. He hasn't done anything like that on his own for three years, since we were dating. I did notice that he let me wear it home too. In fact he insisted on it! That was nice.
Is it me or perhaps when he's not feeling 'romantic' towards me but is at least willing to drop the passive aggressive BS and be truly nice I see that for some reason he just didn't acquire the skills somewhere to treat a woman well?
Having to be told by another woman to give up his coat to his wife?
I guess you would call his sexual style 'insensitive' ?
Now when we were dating and he was 'in love' with me - all that romantic behavior and wanting (needing) to please me in bed was always there. He bent over backwards to make sure i was happy.
Seems if I can keep him around his friends, at least the females might 'train' him to be a bit more romantic. Now I just have to figure out how to train him in bed.
I guess just retraining somehow? Not sure. I'll give it a few more weeks with just telling him how wonderful he is and see if things improve. That's the week in review
Sunday Jan 25 - Nothing earth shattering - had a sick kid to take care of that day. No arguments tho.
Monday Jan 26 - Nothing much to report. Blah day. A few hugs and stuff. Not really keeping our promises as above, but he slips back into 'just getting along' phase sometimes.
Tuesday Jan 27 - H gets a job. First one he applied for, first interview. He says that has happened to him all his life. Lucky guy He starts Monday. 12.00 whole dollars an hour!! well, it will help.
I really supported him when he got it. Made him a cake that said "congratulations Dad" and a special dinner. The kids all made up a song for him and told him how proud they were.
He said he was a 'workin man' now. So I guess he's happy. If this job helps his self confidence and brings us closer together I'm all for it.
I'm trying not to be worried that he will just use the money as 'get away pay' I said i was proud of him, he said thanks. I said "i love you honey" he said "uh yeah". Ok, note to self. stop saying I love you.
Tues night I initiated sex. I couldn't think of how to begin. He asked why i was staring at him. He didn't 'get' it at all. so i just undressed him and made him happy
He was really surprised at my boldness. kept asking if i was going to tickle him or torture him. What? er no dear. Why would he ask that?
Anyway, due to monthly timing I just gave him a BJ, he didn't do anything for me. But I didn't require it and I'm darn sure not going to ASK and be rejected.
Later in bed he asked if I would tickle his back. I brought up a character from one of his favorite books and told him "yes, but that will be an additional 5.00 and we'd better hurry before my husband gets home" He laughed and kind of snuggled with me, so I took that as a positive thing. I may go with the "Mr. Smith" thing again since he took it well.
Wed - He went 3 hours north on a business trip super double knot spy mission. He likes these, makes him feel important and special. He may or may not be back tonight, but should be back tomorrow.
Hope to have some phone special time with him tonight.
Thurs - Still working on things. We are down to the one armed, short morning hug and some time in the evenings together. I really wanted to talk last night, he wanted to play Disney Scene it. So of course we played Disney scene it. He asked me if I wanted to do something else, but I was so upset that he only wanted to "play games" yet AGAIN that I didn't trust myself to be nice about it. So I kept my mouth shut. I'm just hoping that he will SOMEDAY want to actually talk to me rather than play games during our only time together like a couple of 7 year olds.
He asked me if I wanted to spend our last 1/2 cuddling. I said yes. He waited until it was 5 minutes left then cuddled me but still no talking. I feel a bit cheated. I even got a baby sitter for all night (my 17 yr old) so we could spend time together, but by the time I came back upstairs, he was asleep. oh well.