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Attachment anxiety destroying my marriage

2K views 23 replies 8 participants last post by  Dazedconfuzed 
#1 ·
So, my marriage has been on the rocks for several years now, after what I at least felt to be a long and happy relationship/marriage. It started when I lost my job and my dad in a relatively short time frame, and then completely cratered after the birth of my son about a year later and my becoming a SAHD.

While I posted the question a while ago regarding becoming less 'needy' and more emotionally independent/self-reliant/self-contained, today something I've known for a while finally clicked - all of that is a result of my having an anxious attachment style.

My wife, on the other hand, has an avoidant attachment style. She is the opposite of 'needy.' She is fiercely independent, not needing or, at least, wanting to need anyone else in life. She spends a lot of her life trying to get *away* from other people, and she definitely gets easily overwhelmed by 'needy' people like myself. She's exhausted and frustrated by me, and I feel totally anxious and disconnected from her (she may feel disconnected, too, but being disconnected doesn't bother her like it bothers me).

She has said, repeatedly, that she loves me, but finds me incredibly difficult to be with. So she goes off to be independent, which in turn increases my own anxiety, and round and round we go.

And I have to admit, I hate how I am being with her, I hate how the anxiety eats at me every day, and I hate how my anxious attachment style impacts all of my relationships.

I realize that IC is certainly needed. I was in IC for a while last year, but I don't feel like I made much progress on that front. Are there any strategies or resources anyone can recommend for trying to repair that sort of marriage?

I'm trying to get to finishing His Needs Her Needs (I have a couple of parenting books I need to read right now as well), and my wife even indicated that she would be willing to do the 'Needs' worksheet together, but the idea of spending 15 hours a week with an anxious attachment style person is really not appealing to her (not to mention, she feels that she already has her plate incredibly full trying to maintain her position as primary breadwinner and being a good mom). At least, not until I can stop reacting from my anxiety. She would really like me to get my relationship anxiety under control better so she can feel more comfortable 'opening up'.

Right now, she said her needs would be met if I would just put my arm around her more and ask her to tell me about her day and her life. And then to listen, without getting anxious and making it all about me or our relationship.

Given that, does anyone have any insights into this sort of problem?
 
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#2 ·
I have heard that 15 hours a week number a few times. I have not read the book.

I have to say that 15 hours a week for a spouse seems pretty easy to me. There are 168 hours per week. That's less than 9% of the available hours in a week in order to maintain a marriage.

It just seems incredible to me that anyone could consider that to be too much.

Another way of looking at it. Sleep for 8 hours a night, and work for 60 hours a week, leaves 52 hours a week. Of that 52 hours it just seems to me it should be possible to spend 15 hours with a spouse without a problem. And most people who claim they can't find the time claim they don't sleep 8 hours a night, and only a few claim they work more than 60 hours a week.

It's a matter of prioritizing. During that 52 hours what else has more importance? Every hour it is someone else?

I just don't buy it.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Well, I wouldn't have believed it myself, until I had a kid.

Three days a week, my wife gets home from work around 5:30-6:00. We have dinner and a short amount of family time until 7:30-8:00, when we start the bedtime routine for our son. Bedtime can take up to 2 hours (usually around 1.5 hours) as my son has, since the day he was born, a really hard time going to sleep.

By the time he is asleep, my wife has usually fallen asleep with him (if she puts him to bed), or she is in bed going to sleep herself (if I put him to sleep). And I still have to go downstairs to clean up from dinner and get the house ready for the next day.

Two days a week, I get home from my office around 7:30, meaning I have just enough time to find something to eat real quick and then put my son to bed (since I havent seen him all day, that's a good way to be productive and spend a little time with him).

We are more able to do things on the weekend (and sometimes Friday night, if my wife drinks caffeine so she can stay up past her bedtime, but that's unusual, and it usually leaves her really tired the next day), but weekends are often the only time we can go do things as a family, and the only time my wife has to take care of things for herself as well (not to mention, the household needs don't stop on weekends, so I still need to do a lot of work on weekends, too).

We have started having lunch together once every week or two, which is a great, if short, way to catch up with each other. Honestly, we have a lot of conversations via text, lol.

Money has been *very* tight in the past few years, so it's difficult to just throw money at a problem to make it go away (which was the go-to solution when we both had high-paying corporate jobs and no kids, lol).
 
#3 ·
Right now, she said her needs would be met if I would just put my arm around her more and ask her to tell me about her day and her life. And then to listen, without getting anxious and making it all about me or our relationship.

Given that, does anyone have any insights into this sort of problem?
I don't have any experience with attachment anxiety and I admit my style is more similar to your wife's. I've had to give up some real close female friends because I felt they were just too needy. Likewise I adore cats and refrain from other pets because they're so much more independent. I can't stand it when my partner gets all needy and wants to be held and sweet talked. Even if satisfying his needs at that point would only take about 10mins of my time, I'm worried that if I respond positively he'll do it more often. Ugh.

What I'm not understanding is why is what you've written above so difficult for you to do? Why do you have a hard time just holding her and listening instead of bringing the focus on you?
 
#8 ·
Even if satisfying his needs at that point would only take about 10mins of my time, I'm worried that if I respond positively he'll do it more often. Ugh.
I'm sure my wife could relate to this, lol.

What I'm not understanding is why is what you've written above so difficult for you to do? Why do you have a hard time just holding her and listening instead of bringing the focus on you?
It's probably not that hard.

What makes it hard?

Fear, resentment, hurt, mistrust. I'm working on letting that stuff go, not just so I can do things for my wife, but so I can be someone who isn't ruled by his fear, resentment, hurt, and mistrust.

What makes it particularly hard, in this case at least, is I feel like I'm wired to want to 'protect and provide', so it's easy for me to feel like something missing in that area is a failure on my part. So if my wife is complaining about her job and how she wishes we could afford to have her do something more rewarding, it's hard for me to not feel like I'm failing her. If she is concerned about or wants something more regarding our living situation, it's hard for me to not take that personally, as I feel like I'm not always able to help her achieve her goals.

Or, as in the recent conversation I detailed more in my other thread, when she talks about doing something she really wants to do, I usually hear "...so I will be even more unavailable to spend with you."

In short, it's been hard for me to remain neutral and impersonal in my listening, even though I know that is what most women say they want.
 
#4 ·
I feel for you. I had this setup with my ex. She was far into an avoidant style whereas I was anxious like you. She complained of how needy I was and many of her behaviors just exacerbated that anxiety in me. (No one else I've dated has found me needy, so I'm guessing the style match was closer.) Likewise I drove her insane by wanting to talk to her or see her. Having such a mismatch of attachment styles is not good. It can be very damaging to the person with the anxious attachment style. I'm not sure it's ultimately workable. How do you compromise with such extremes, even if both people are actually willing? It's more likely that the avoidant person will just decide that the anxious person has unreasonable needs, not that it's a shared issue that both need to address.
 
#5 ·
It sounds like it would help if she would first meet your need for security and reassurance, and then you meet her need for a hug and asking about her day.

You might explain to her that if she meets your needs first, it will actually mean less work for her. Because you will calm down and relax quicker, which ultimately frees up more of her time.
 
#13 ·
For those unfamiliar with the attachment model, here is a copy pasta from Wikipedia (it's not a great description, but it definitely gets the idea across):

Secure
Securely attached people tend to agree with the following statements: "It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or others not accepting me." This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with their attachments. Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their attachments. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence. Many seek to balance intimacy and independence in their relationship.

Secure attachment and adaptive functioning are promoted by a caregiver who is emotionally available and appropriately responsive to his or her child's attachment behavior, as well as capable of regulating both his or her positive and negative emotions.

Insecure

Anxious–preoccupied
People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like", and "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their attachment figure. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on the attachment figure. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They may feel a sense of anxiousness that only recedes when in contact with the attachment figure. They often doubt their worth as a person and blame themselves for the attachment figure's lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, emotional dysregulation (ED), worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

Dismissive–avoidant
People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships", "It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient", and "I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with attachments, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (e.g. their attachments).

Fearful–avoidant
People with losses or other trauma, such as sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence may often develop this type of attachment and tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."

People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their attachments. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their attachments, and they don't trust the intentions of their attachments. Similar to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from attachments and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Because of this, they are much less comfortable expressing affection.
 
#16 ·
Sometimes I am amazed how many posters psycho analyze their marriages and personalities and use acronyms that they assume we know what they mean. We got through 44 years of marriage by just loving each other and keep each other and our marriage above all else. When monogamy became an issue, we did away with it. When my wife came out as bisexual, we found a girlfriend we could share. We can argue and a minute later resume our conversation. I do not know if it is healthy to break your marriage and spouse down into little defined pieces to the point that you lose the big picture. My wife has a lot of issues coming from an alcoholic abusive father who beat her, sometimes severely.

I love her and I see her and not the psychological labels describing her. I love her and that is all that matters. When she came out as bi, I did not even blink. I was OK with it and she found a way to deal with it it so that she did not have to date women behind my back. My wife did not even call herself bisexual until she was 63. We did not label our marriage as a poly triad. It was just our life. We focused on considering the need and wants of each other in all things we do that affects the other. We were able to communicate and fix whatever was wrong. Although my marriage has been better than I ever dreamed it could me, we had our ups and downs, but instead of trying to find the labels, we simply fixed the problem.

I do wish you good luck. Marriage does not have to be so hard. No one should be unhappily married as many are these days. Since I am not familiar with all of the acronyms you listed or know if your opinion of what they are is correct, I cannot really address that part of your post. Just love each other or get divorced.
 
#17 ·
I do not know if it is healthy to break your marriage and spouse down into little defined pieces to the point that you lose the big picture. My wife has a lot of issues coming from an alcoholic abusive father who beat her, sometimes severely.
I can see this, to a point. But if you are struggling, and have no idea *why* you are struggling or what to do about it, sometimes it's helpful to try to identify what the actual struggle is about.

We focused on considering the need and wants of each other in all things we do that affects the other. We were able to communicate and fix whatever was wrong. Although my marriage has been better than I ever dreamed it could me, we had our ups and downs, but instead of trying to find the labels, we simply fixed the problem.
Sounds like my wife and I. Until we started encountering problems that were beyond our ability to fix (both personal, and in our marriage), given the toolsets and knowledge we had up until that point.

I do wish you good luck.
Thank you.

Marriage does not have to be so hard.
Neither does life. But sometimes it occurs like it is, despite our beliefs to the contrary.

Just love each other or get divorced.
Getting divorced does not guarantee a disappearance of problems. While it may alleviate one set of problems, it can also create a whole new set of problems (and it's arguable which set of problems is worse).

And there is the old adage, "No matter where you go, there you are." It's funny how some problems seem to persist regardless of how many changes we make to our circumstances.
 
#22 ·
He works for an elderly man, helping him with his accounts.
 
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