So, my marriage has been on the rocks for several years now, after what I at least felt to be a long and happy relationship/marriage. It started when I lost my job and my dad in a relatively short time frame, and then completely cratered after the birth of my son about a year later and my becoming a SAHD.
While I posted the question a while ago regarding becoming less 'needy' and more emotionally independent/self-reliant/self-contained, today something I've known for a while finally clicked - all of that is a result of my having an anxious attachment style.
My wife, on the other hand, has an avoidant attachment style. She is the opposite of 'needy.' She is fiercely independent, not needing or, at least, wanting to need anyone else in life. She spends a lot of her life trying to get *away* from other people, and she definitely gets easily overwhelmed by 'needy' people like myself. She's exhausted and frustrated by me, and I feel totally anxious and disconnected from her (she may feel disconnected, too, but being disconnected doesn't bother her like it bothers me).
She has said, repeatedly, that she loves me, but finds me incredibly difficult to be with. So she goes off to be independent, which in turn increases my own anxiety, and round and round we go.
And I have to admit, I hate how I am being with her, I hate how the anxiety eats at me every day, and I hate how my anxious attachment style impacts all of my relationships.
I realize that IC is certainly needed. I was in IC for a while last year, but I don't feel like I made much progress on that front. Are there any strategies or resources anyone can recommend for trying to repair that sort of marriage?
I'm trying to get to finishing His Needs Her Needs (I have a couple of parenting books I need to read right now as well), and my wife even indicated that she would be willing to do the 'Needs' worksheet together, but the idea of spending 15 hours a week with an anxious attachment style person is really not appealing to her (not to mention, she feels that she already has her plate incredibly full trying to maintain her position as primary breadwinner and being a good mom). At least, not until I can stop reacting from my anxiety. She would really like me to get my relationship anxiety under control better so she can feel more comfortable 'opening up'.
Right now, she said her needs would be met if I would just put my arm around her more and ask her to tell me about her day and her life. And then to listen, without getting anxious and making it all about me or our relationship.
Given that, does anyone have any insights into this sort of problem?
While I posted the question a while ago regarding becoming less 'needy' and more emotionally independent/self-reliant/self-contained, today something I've known for a while finally clicked - all of that is a result of my having an anxious attachment style.
My wife, on the other hand, has an avoidant attachment style. She is the opposite of 'needy.' She is fiercely independent, not needing or, at least, wanting to need anyone else in life. She spends a lot of her life trying to get *away* from other people, and she definitely gets easily overwhelmed by 'needy' people like myself. She's exhausted and frustrated by me, and I feel totally anxious and disconnected from her (she may feel disconnected, too, but being disconnected doesn't bother her like it bothers me).
She has said, repeatedly, that she loves me, but finds me incredibly difficult to be with. So she goes off to be independent, which in turn increases my own anxiety, and round and round we go.
And I have to admit, I hate how I am being with her, I hate how the anxiety eats at me every day, and I hate how my anxious attachment style impacts all of my relationships.
I realize that IC is certainly needed. I was in IC for a while last year, but I don't feel like I made much progress on that front. Are there any strategies or resources anyone can recommend for trying to repair that sort of marriage?
I'm trying to get to finishing His Needs Her Needs (I have a couple of parenting books I need to read right now as well), and my wife even indicated that she would be willing to do the 'Needs' worksheet together, but the idea of spending 15 hours a week with an anxious attachment style person is really not appealing to her (not to mention, she feels that she already has her plate incredibly full trying to maintain her position as primary breadwinner and being a good mom). At least, not until I can stop reacting from my anxiety. She would really like me to get my relationship anxiety under control better so she can feel more comfortable 'opening up'.
Right now, she said her needs would be met if I would just put my arm around her more and ask her to tell me about her day and her life. And then to listen, without getting anxious and making it all about me or our relationship.
Given that, does anyone have any insights into this sort of problem?