This is in relation to my last two threads, about my husband's best friend appearing to come unto me and my husband passivity in dealing with it. Well my husband finally spoke to me about the entire situation, I wished that he hadn't awaken me at two in the morning to do so but then again there are greater issues to deal with. He told me this less than two days ago, so I was mulling it over and I came to a decision.
Apparently he has been carrying around misplaced guilt for more than 13 years because of some 'broken bro code'. Crap if you ask me.
Anyways, apparently Chris (my husband's best friend) was attracted to me while we were at college, according to my husband Chris had it really bad for me. So bad, that he was planning to break up with his then girlfriend to be with me. As fate had it I didn't like Chris from the get go, as previously mentioned because of his crass sense of humor. But my dislike towards him had not deterred his intentions, apparently he was going still try to get me to like him. Fate so had it that Chris received a scholarship and migrated. But my husband said over the years whenever they spoke Chris always talked and asked about me. My husband said during that time he and I were dating and he never told Chris anything. Chris found out through a mutual friend and was pissed. They had a falling out that lasted for almost two years. But made up sometime around my son's birth. And Chris had said then that he was past it and he was glad that at least one of them got the 'girl'. My husband said that he always felt guilty about it because he more than anyone else knew how Chris felt about me.
My contention is that all of this happened a million years ago and these are two grown men who need to grow up and move on from it. There is no betrayal because I never had a relationship with Chris, not even an amicable one. And I do believe there are better things for my husband to feel guilty about, Like trying to make me feel like it was me who had an issue and not them.
What I have decided to do however is to be a mediator. If when Chris gets here in June for my husband's 40th birthday, and he insinuates anything I will talk to him about it knowing what I know now. Let him know it rubs me the wrong way and I wouldn't want it to breakup our families friendship. I think coming from me should help. Put boundaries in place see where it goes from there.
'Crap' is right. Your husband owes Chris nothing and allowing you to be drawn into the middle of his personal problem is both insensitive and disrespectful to you. At this point, if hubby had any b@lls, he would disinvite Chris from any upcoming events at which you will both be present.
OP, this is a TERRIBLE idea. Don't have this ridiculous conversation with Chris -- who gives a rat's ass if Chris liked you back then?
Sounds to me like you are feeding on the drama... As you put it so well, this is all college BS from "a million years ago"... Fact is, he accepted the scholarship, moved away from you and lost his chance (although it sounds like he never had a chance to begin with).
Honestly? It seems like you are secretly relishing in Chris's unrequited affection.
All of you should just move on from this childish rehashing.
It also may embarrass or anger him so he never comes back. Win-win. To tell the truth, I would not care for a spouse who puts friendship over his wife.
I find this irrelevant, and again, disrespectful to Sunshine. Calling "Dibs" on a human being? I don't think so. Sunshine is a grown woman who chose; her marriage was not the result of some archaic arrangement. Both men need to honor her choice and her husband in particular needs to honor their union above all else.
Yep, that one went right over my head. True enough, I never took to that show much. But the reference to "bro code" should have been enough to tip me off. Thanks for the clarification.
My misunderstanding aside, my main point still needed to be made--although I think sokillme made the same point right after me, and with a little more eloquence.
You are not a sports car to be bought by whoever gets there first. Remind him of that. You have agency and complete autonomy who you want to be with. In this instance the bro-code is stupid. Besides that you win some you lose some. Your husband won, nothing to be guilty about.
Your husband has brushed off your concerns about Chris overstepping boundaries up until now and suddenly it appears there is a long history between them about you and he feels he owes Chris.Are you going to come back in a few days and tell us your husband suggested you sleep with Chris for old times sake.I strongly suggest you never be anywhere alone with Chris or with Chris and your husband.This vacation to his house is sending up all sorts of warning signs to me.
There is a lot more to this and you are being played by both of them in my opinion.
KEEP AWAY From CHRIS.
Maybe not in a few days but in a few months. Look it sounds like I am idiot, maybe I am. My H needed to get it out and he has. Now WE move pass this. I stand by him no matter what. Even if that means I wear the idiot sign for all see.
You mentioned something in your other thread that I never heard before.Mind raping.That is not something you should just forget.I hear alarm bells ringing about your husband and Chris and I think you are starting to as well.Your mil changing her position on Chris overnight is also a red flag.
How is your marriage,would your husband and his family be trying to get rid of you and setting you up with Chris be one way of forcing you to divorce.
Again.Stay away from Chris and never be alone with him and your husband.
Your husband owes Chris NOTHING. There's no "bro code" when there was no reciprocation by you toward Chris. That, in itself, nullifies it. His "guilt" is definitely misplaced, and he shouldn't feel that way at all. He got the girl. It's time he stood up for you.
Do NOT make contact with Chris, and don't even acknowledge that you know how he felt, or what happened. First, and foremost, do not EVER be alone with Chris. In my opinion, he is not trustworthy. If your husband has a pair, he will set boundaries and enforce them.
Bad idea. It is between your H and Chris. For me, Chris needs to draw the boundary and or simply cut off the friendship. There is enough drama in life. This additional noise is not needed.
To me, it seems like you are a prize for your husband and Chris to fight over. Chris lost, but he can't live with that fact, so he continues to pursue. I feel horrible for his wife, who is left on the sideline in all of this.
Your husband needs to put his foot down on this. Chris really does seem to like to cause trouble and appears to have no problem lying to save face. That is no way to be in a friendship. Your husband needs to cherish you and stop letting this guy bother you. Friendship should never hurt a marriage!
He has no business involving you in this nonsense.
I suggest you tell him you have never had any interest in Chris whatsoever, never want to see the guy again and dont want to hear his name full stop. If your husband and chris have issues over you they can go and drown them in a bar between them but leave you out.
As your husband it is his duty to protect you against the unwanted attentions of his friends and any stress related.
Total and utter morons both of them but esp your husband. Sorry!
Dont be a mediator it will just encourage them, enmesh you further and you might have to witness something stupid or listen to utter b/s. Spare yourself from that.
"Good boundaries would include never speaking or being with Chris alone again. It can probably all be sorted out with his wife and you OR between all 4 of you, in person but at least EVERYONE will be watching and holding him accountable versus just you."
Agree with the first bit - but must say I would not suffer my wife to the company of a man who has made her feel uncomortable - particularly if I knew he had designs on her! I would end the friendship.
OP, you have to have a frank conversation with your H. He is either gutless or enjoying this whole drama like you were some sort of prized possession rather than his wife.
Tell him you expect as your H for him to set boundaries with regard to Chris, that you find it bizarre that he would even want to have anything to do with Chris considering the history and finally you are not some stuffed toy that he can rub Chris's face in it. It seems like this is what he is doing.
Finally, what about Chris' wife? What about some respect for her, I am sure she is not ignorant about all that is going on?
Something smells off about your H reaction, most normal husbands wouldn't let a man like Chris within 10 feet of you.
When I was younger, newly married we had a few close friends that we hung out with, we were all expats. One night when I was sleeping on the couch (having drank too much wine) one of them bent down to kiss me on the cheek (he was drunk), my H lost it (i got into trouble too though I was sleeping and there was absolutely nothing going on). My H insisted this guy liked me (but I was married and totally blind to it). That guy was removed from the circle of friends in quick fashion and I appreciated my H for that. Even years later after marriage, kids etc (he is also married with kids in another country) reached out to my H to meet up, my H ignored him. This is the way your H should be reacting, not encouraging meet ups, insisting you be nice to Chris, have holidays together, etc. This seems very very off to me.
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