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Need advice!

901 views 6 replies 7 participants last post by  Young at Heart 
#1 ·
Im a 38 year old male. My wife and I have been married since October 2014, but have been together since September of 2012. Im a 6ft 2 260lb good looking guy. I used to be a beta male with my wife, used to hover and orbit her trying to make her happy, only to find out I could NEVER satisfy her. So I became a member on here. I got some great help on here and got connected to some great books. The married man sex life primer, and no more mr nice guy have completely transformed me. I am now a more balanced male between alpha and beta male. However, not all is great. I am struggling to find the balance between the two. I did lose 60 lbs in the last 3 months and that really seemed to help. For a while my new Alpha male and lost weight was making a huge difference in our marriage. She became more affectionate and sweet. I would still say she is better, she does not get pissed at me much at all anymore, and speaks sweeter to me. However, I feel like she plays games with me....Hot and Cold games. She will be super sweet and physically touchy, and then retreat. She comes from a rough upbringing. Her real dad was in and out of prison, and her step dad tried to touch her. I feel like maybe a lot of the intimacy issues (closeness or lack of) stem from that. She is very affectionate with our kids, and almost acts as if I have been replaced by them. She has always accommodated me sexually, never says no to me. I am very thankful for that, but intimacy is more than lying down for someone or talking nice. I desperately want intimacy in my marriage, and in the beginning we had that, once we had kids together it has been lost. She is a stay at home mom, and we have 7 kids between the two of us, two are ours together. I don't know if it is even possible to advance the marriage any further or not, or if this is as good as it gets. I think she is very guarded, and thats why she cannot share intimacy with me. The kids are a safe bet, they will always be her kids. Ive lost 60 lbs and look pretty good, she is pretty heavy and her weight bothers her a lot. So I don't know what all is laying into us, maybe the weight, the being guarded, the kids etc. I am trying to balance the beta and alpha thing because I have swung at times to alpha where I am distant and she has to come to me. She did not like that, and it upset her a lot. She feels very insecure about her weight and the fact that I've lost so much, but will that affect intimacy? I feel like I have plateaued and need help. Thank you in advance.
 
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#2 ·
Keep going... you have the right idea but you haven't gone far enough. Stop panicking bro.

Lose another 50 lbs at least. Hit the gym HARD. STOP chasing her. Continue to focus on YOU.

Remember you CAN NOT change people or make them happy, you can only control YOURSELF.

If she wants your relationship she'll do some heavy lifting. If she doesn't then hey.... the transition will be easy.
 
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#3 ·
I am trying to balance the beta and alpha thing because I have swung at times to alpha where I am distant and she has to come to me. She did not like that, and it upset her a lot. She feels very insecure about her weight and the fact that I've lost so much, but will that affect intimacy? I feel like I have plateaued and need help. Thank you in advance.
So what if she gets upset? Aren't you upset that you always have to go to her? Of course she's going to get upset because it means she is not in control of the situation anymore.

You need to stick to your 180 behaviour and not give in. Your wife is an alpha female, she will continue to test you now that you're doing things differently. And I think her intimacy issues have more to do with the fact that you're too nice than her upbringing. She flip flops because on one hand she needs the attention/affection from a male but on the other hand she's turned off by your "beta-ness". Do not reward her "flip flopping" behaviour. Respond positively when she's being positive and respond with indifference when she switches to the crappy behavior.
 
#4 ·
Although my wife is the skinny one in the family, she comes from abusive alcoholic parents. Her day beat up his children and at times beat them so badly that they had to get surgery. That was the old days when police stayed out of family matters. My wife is so afraid of making a mistake that she has a look of fear in her eyes when I simply say I am not fond of the new recipe she tried. If I do not tell her that she will keep making it. She tends to find what works and keeps on doing it forever. She is afraid to try new things and will never admit she is wrong. If she walked across the street and got hit by a car, she will say it was not her fault because she did not look for any cars coming. Sometimes it is that absurd. That is how messed up her dad made her. Both of her brothers died young, one by an overdose. Her sister is over 400 lbs. I know how messed up a bad childhood can make you. Only in her 60's did she start showing some self confidence.

I gained a lot of weight. My wife said that she did not enjoy sex anymore due to how I looked. I lost 55 lbs. and that did the trick. I did not like how I looked either. My wife told me that I no longer looked like the hot guy she married. She was right and as hard as it was, I lost the weight and am still losing. My Diabetes has dropped to borderline levels as a result and other weight related problems went away. I got to the point that I did not like myself due to the way I looked. Now all of our friends, especially the women, tell me I am melting away to nothing. Believe me, I know all the excuses for why I could not lose weight. Our sex life is once again great and my wife is having very intense orgasms as a result.
 
#5 ·
My wife tests the "new me" constantly. She's even gone as far as to lie to me about where she was going one night thinking that I had a gps on her car. I didn't but I did have a friend check to see if she was where she said she was and she wasn't. I did find out where she was and it was with the friend she told me she was going out with, just at a different place. The following Monday she started texting me accusing me of spying, having a gps on her car and all kinds of other things. I couldn't understand any of it, things had been going well and nothing had happened to spark that. I shut her down and proved her accusations wrong at every turn and I completely avoided and argument and just told her I wasn't having the conversation anymore because it was stupid and unproductive and I stopped responding to her texts. Later that night nothing was ever mentioned about it and it was done.

Since then from time to time she has done little things and said things to test me, trying to get a rise out of me. Every time she does I either make a comment to her that proves her accusation wrong and change topics, or I walk away. But I do not let her see that it actually does bother me. If she wants to talk or wants something, I let her initiate and come to me. Sure there are times when I need to initiate but those are few and far between.

I know it sucks and it hurts but you cannot give in to her at all. Pulling a 180 is one of the hardest things to do but in order for it to have any effect you need to stay on that path. You can do it, she will continue to test you, but you cannot give in to it.
 
#7 ·
Im a 38 year old male. My wife and I have been married since October 2014, but have been together since September of 2012. Im a 6ft 2 260lb good looking guy.

...I did lose 60 lbs in the last 3 months and that really seemed to help.

...I feel like she plays games with me....Hot and Cold games.

...Her real dad was in and out of prison, and her step dad tried to touch her. I feel like maybe a lot of the intimacy issues (closeness or lack of) stem from that.

....She has always accommodated me sexually, never says no to me.

.... I desperately want intimacy in my marriage, and in the beginning we had that, once we had kids together it has been lost. She is a stay at home mom, and we have 7 kids between the two of us, two are ours together.

....I've lost 60 lbs and look pretty good, she is pretty heavy and her weight bothers her a lot. ....She feels very insecure about her weight and the fact that I've lost so much, but will that affect intimacy?
Congratulations on your weight loss. Impressive. Yes your wife's weight could impact her self image and libido.

Come on man, she is a stay at home mom with 7 kids! First she is probably exhausted from taking care of 7 kids and a husband. I can't see her greeting you in the door when you get home in a sexy outfit or having wild, loud, bed-breaking, wall shaking sex at night that your 7 kids can see or hear.

If you really want intimacy, I recommend David Schnarch's book the Passionate Marriage. It has a section on exercises to increase intimacy. Once during the sex therapy that helped save my marriage, my wife said to me that she wanted more intimacy in our marriage. I showed her the exercises in Schnarches book. She told me she didn't want that much intimacy. To be truly intimate you have to bare your soul and be vulnerable. Schnarch would say that requires incredible skill in self soothing to allow yourself to be that vulnerable. Most people who say they want intimacy, want something else from their spouse such as, submissiveness, empathy, or showing love in your love languages.

Good luck.
 
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