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Tell the new guy about your past?

5K views 63 replies 24 participants last post by  musicftw07 
#1 ·
So, I dated a couple of men in the past and they did not take well to the fact I was the victim of abuse.


The general consensus was that I was damaged goods.

I now am upfront about everything, and most men run. Majority scared that my ex's will show up one day.

I want a normal life. History has shown me that it wont happen because people are afraid.

Hide it or be open. Both are screwing me.


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#4 ·
Openness is Godliness!

Trust me! The "right guy" will simply love you for who you are to him, despite any past that you may have came from!
 
#5 ·
It is a complicated problem.

I am very sorry you were abused. I hope the following doesn't sound uncaring - I'm just trying to see how it might look from the other side.

Some men may be concerned about "damaged goods" in the sexual sense. I find that mode of thinking terrible and hope its rare.

Others may be worried that you are "damaged" psychologically. Abuse can leave life long psychological scars on some people. Falling in love with someone with psychological issues can be terrible. They may fear that they cannot help you and themselves will be tied to a crazy person. Honor-bound to never leave. The same feeling that might keep them away from someone with a severe physical disability.


Does your abuse still haunt your everyday life or is a terrible thing in the past? If it doesn't affect you now, then maybe there is no need to tell people you are dating. Information to save for much later when they have seen that you are past it.

If it does affect you now, then you will need to find someone who is able to deal with that. Some people are, but I think that most are not.
 
#6 ·
So, I dated a couple of men in the past and they did not take well to the fact I was the victim of abuse.


The general consensus was that I was damaged goods.

I now am upfront about everything, and most men run. Majority scared that my ex's will show up one day.

I want a normal life. History has shown me that it wont happen because people are afraid.

Hide it or be open. Both are screwing me.
It is one thing to be open, and another to be off putting with too many negative details that are irrelevant to a first or second date.

Why are they afraid your ex's will show up one day? What exactly are you saying about that possibility?

Most potential partners would consider a partner with past abuse to be in a different category than a partner with the potential of ongoing drama caused by an ex being in the picture.
 
#7 ·
The abuse over 2 partners lasted for about 15 years total. Plus I had a 3rd that I dated briefly but continued to pursue me for a long time after.

I tell them that i was verbally and emotionally abused (no details) and that I was beaten a couple of times and that my ex went to jail for that and stalking me.

They are afraid my ex's will show up because my one ex is around because we have children together.
I think they felt my other ex would just show up because he stalked me (he did that every time we broke up but I don't mention that).

As for being over it. No I am not. I am in therapy. I will never be over it. That gives me my safety from those negative qualities in men.

I am not a dramatic person. As far as I am concerned #1 will always be around because we have children, #2 I am pretty sure learned his lesson the 3rd time he was in jail since he spent 7 months there thinking about it. #3 is just an occasional pest.

I just do not like how I am judged because of the actions of other people.


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#8 ·
It sounds like drama, from my shoes. I'd move on.

You've got kids. With a guy who abused you. Who's still involved in your life and isn't going away. And another X that abused you that just got out of jail who you've been worried will come back around. And a 3rd X that abused you who still pesters you.

My thoughts would be "I don't think I can offer the abuse she apparently craves. And I'm not interested in asserting dominance over her other men who apparently are still around. That's the kind of drama I don't need in my life."

You're not being judged on the actions of other people, but on the people you've invited into your life. Your choices.
 
#12 ·
Hide it or be open. Both are screwing me.
Hypothetically imagine you are dating a guy, and HE admits to being abused. It was emotionally and verbally by a woman that stalked him at times, she got pregnant by him, she has been in jail, and he now has custody of their child. She is now out of jail and will always be in his life to some basic degree because she want to see her child.

In my opinion, that is not a conversation that should take place up front, but gradually as the relationship becomes more serious and emotionally invested. Trying to look at this from the opposite point of view as I stated hypothetically above will help. Imagine yourself falling in love with the guy described above. At what point in the relationship would you be open to hearing that and accepting that part of his life in a caring and loving way?

If it is any consolation, life is messy for everyone in some way or another. You future partner will not likely have your exact same history, but he will have his share of issues and struggles that he will need you to accept about him if he is brave and strong enough like you to share them.

Regards,
Badsanta
 
#13 ·
How old are your children? Some people don't date until the kids are adults anyway. Maybe you will want to consider a similar timeline. At the same time, use your free time to build up your social circles.

IMO, these men have legitimate concerns. I would not want a psycho ex stalking me. Perhaps even trying to build a case of child abuse against me were I to start joining in on my partner's visitations with their children.

You may want to identify ways in which you have changed so that you would not choose those types again -- as a talking point.

You did get involved with not one but three stalkerish, abusive men. It's only in movies --where the protagonist needs a lover or a friend to be liked by the audience -- in which a stalked woman can get a decent guy who is not afraid to face down a stalker. In real life, men, like the rest of us, are risk averse. They may have their own children whose safety they need to protect.
 
#15 ·
If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.

My sister in law was in an abusive marriage, had 3 children, got divorced. I do know her new husband did know about the ex and the abuse before they got married. I do not know if she told him about it before they got engaged. It was a long time ago, but I think she did.

Part of her healing was telling everyone. She stopped being secretive about being beaten, about how she got those broken bones, and how she ended up in the hospital so many times. I did encourage her to be open about it.

Secrecy allows that behavior to persist.

It never dawned on me she may have narrowed her potential future pool of "second husbands" by being forthright about it.

Personally I would have had no respect for any man who would have had any problem with her past, and accepting the challenge of living with her while knowing her past. Since he needed to know, the question is when.

Please be well.
 
#28 ·
If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.



My sister in law was in an abusive marriage, had 3 children, got divorced. I do know her new husband did know about the ex and the abuse before they got married. I do not know if she told him about it before they got engaged. It was a long time ago, but I think she did.



Part of her healing was telling everyone. She stopped being secretive about being beaten, about how she got those broken bones, and how she ended up in the hospital so many times. I did encourage her to be open about it.



Secrecy allows that behavior to persist.



It never dawned on me she may have narrowed her potential future pool of "second husbands" by being forthright about it.



Personally I would have had no respect for any man who would have had any problem with her past, and accepting the challenge of living with her while knowing her past. Since he needed to know, the question is when.



Please be well.


Thank you. I feel the same and best wishes to your SIL :) and you.


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#16 ·
So, I dated a couple of men in the past and they did not take well to the fact I was the victim of abuse.


The general consensus was that I was damaged goods.

I now am upfront about everything, and most men run. Majority scared that my ex's will show up one day.

I want a normal life. History has shown me that it wont happen because people are afraid.

Hide it or be open. Both are screwing me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Uh, bad choice of words!
 
#18 ·
One more zinger.

Go online and look at the concealed carry license owners.

Find a few dozen names that appeal to you.

Google these names. Find one your age and who is not married.

Call him up and tell that SCM recommended you. "Can we meet for coffee?"
................................................................................................................................

OK, now for something helpful.

Is there any reason you cannot move far away from these Ex bozos?

Relocate?
................................................................................................................................
Instead of dating men with fine features and slim bodies, start dating "nice" big, husky guys.
 
#20 ·
I am dealing with the same right now. Both my husbands were cheaters. I was married to my second husband for 24 years so it seems like a lifetime ago that I was married to my first husband. I didn't mention I was married twice to a man I was dating and apparently that sent up a red flag. The conversations had really not gone that deep and we had not been dating long. Had I mentioned this initially he might not have stuck around to get to know me. I don't go into detail. I just tell men I was married twice and both were cheats and yes, I think they see me as damaged goods.
 
#41 ·
Thank you. We passed your wishes on to my wife's sister. Her sister did enjoy her second marriage, keeping constantly in touch, and often exchanging visits with Mary. My wife's sister died of a heart attack last year, at the age of 64.


If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.



My sister in law was in an abusive marriage, had 3 children, got divorced. I do know her new husband did know about the ex and the abuse before they got married. I do not know if she told him about it before they got engaged. It was a long time ago, but I think she did.



Part of her healing was telling everyone. She stopped being secretive about being beaten, about how she got those broken bones, and how she ended up in the hospital so many times. I did encourage her to be open about it.



Secrecy allows that behavior to persist.



It never dawned on me she may have narrowed her potential future pool of "second husbands" by being forthright about it.



Personally I would have had no respect for any man who would have had any problem with her past, and accepting the challenge of living with her while knowing her past. Since he needed to know, the question is when.



Please be well.


Thank you. I feel the same and best wishes to your SIL
and you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#22 ·
This is always a hard topic. I don't lose respect for people because we all have different thresholds of what we can tolerate. If they are truly judging then I'd lose respect. You've had three awfully twisted jerk ******* men in your life. There's is nothing I can say, wish or do which will make your pain go away. Here's what people hate or pretend not realize, there are men and women out there who can't cope with abused partners. Yes, we can denigrate them call them names and ridicule them, but it is the truth.

Let them leave, run away, be cowards or be true to themselves. Unless they are outright saying "it is your fault" or "you are damaged goods" don't assume anything negative about them. Being honest is a good thing. You'll find someone who cares for the right reason, not because they feel sorry for you.
 
#25 ·
I agree. The men who are running away when they hear this are doing you a favor, because if he can't handle this part of your past, then he's not the man for you. It doesn't make him a bad man, it just means he's not a good fit for you. Recognize it and let him move on, and don't worry about it, because it's not about you.

As some of the other posters have said, you may want to look at the way you are presenting your circumstances to the men you are dating, because the way a message is presented will affect the way it is received. You haven't told us how you are presenting this information, so it makes it hard for us to advise you on this front. If you give us a more detailed scenario on how the topic was raised and discussed, it may help us to better offer help.
 
#23 ·
It is one more hurdle. Telling suitors about your past.

The first "likely" thought that potential partners will think when they hear this situation of yours' [and other divorcees] is:

Is she unreasonable? Bossy, hard to live with. Is she going to do the bait and switch on me after some period of time.
Is she frigid? Has little interest in intimacy?

Is she no fun to be with? Too set in her ways to do things that I enjoy?

Tell a guy that you want to get close to:


You have always been loyal. Both marriages were long term. You tried to make them work.
 
#24 ·
Do this if you meet a guy who has great potential:
.........................................................................................................
Feed them grapes.

Mostly sweet, a few sour ones mixed in. Do not hit them with all the sour grapes at once.

Do this as time permits. Show them the nice side of you.. I am sure all your sides are nice but I left my Internet Peepers upstairs. So I just presume.

The more goodness they see [in you] when you are together the more they will accept you for what you are.

Do not be needy, even if you are. Be casual, friendly, inquisitive, complementary. Just be low key. Smile a lot.

Take your time. Be honest in any questions that they may ask. PLEASE do not go into detail. Make any information seem "inconsequential" at this time in your life. Even if it is not. You do not want them to think you are an emotional wreck. Even if you are.

Do not hide you passion....share it coyly. And softly.

Show them your feminine side. Do this and they will melt.

Just Sayin'
 
#29 ·
I hate this, but I have decided to go the slow route. As he shares with me, I will share with him.

My 1 super crazy ex is out of the picture and 1 is just a pest. It is my children's father that is hurting me most. We have been split up for years and I am still a s*** and a w****.

Because #2 pounded me in front of my kids, I have CPS in my life. My worker thinks that #1 is still in love with me, even after 7 years.

I really may just be single until my kids are adults. I hate feeling like property.


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#32 ·
What do you mean by #3 is just a pest?

What is making you feel like property?
 
#51 ·
I dunno, who said it was? You? Not me. The OP is exploring the world. If you think living under the covers, hiding from the world because of your past is an integral part of life, by all means stay home. Otherwise, most healthy human beings look for some sort of social interaction. One way to enjoy said social interaction (especially when it comes to the opposite sex) is thru dating. If you want to avoid social interaction by all means do so, but stop acting as if being a recluse is normal for most people. Allowing your past to dictate your future (ie being a recluse) is not healthy
 
#63 ·
Xmadame - I would encourage you to be honest.

Here is my story - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/204514-what-do-i-do-am-i-unreasonable.html

My wife didn't tell me about abuse until we had been married a couple of years. It really affected our marriage.

I would do things, not knowing her past, she would trigger, and I would be left wondering "What the HELL just happened??"

Once I finally round out about abuse, a lot of things dropped into place. The problem was, there was already a lot of hurt built up by the time the truth came out. She would trigger, say & do things that really messed up our relationship.

I think I would have still married her, knowing what had happened, and we could have avoided a lot of issues.

Here is a link for you, read it for when you meet the right guy.

https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/
 
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