General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My suggestion is this.
It is many years almost ten that your H hasnt worked. He is not going to start now whatever you do. But I have a different idea.
Start your web business, but use someone else. In other words your H would be working for someone else. I am sure you can find someone young who wants to start on his own and needs the investment.
This is an interesting idea.
Years ago, when I was with my ex-husband I had my own business doing software development. It was very successful. I could do that again with your suggestion. hmmmm.....
I think you are right, too. I dont want to be pessimistic but it sounds like your H is in a pretty bad place and the prospects of him turning things around without some serious consequences is minimal. He's choosing a relationship with his games. The hardest part is going to be to let him make his choice and not be resentful towards him. I think the hardest part in relationships is wanting to make our spouse exhibit certain behaviors that we think will make us happy. But sometimes we have to let our spouse do what they need to do and take care of our own happiness. That is what I've found at least.
Good points. In the past I have told him that if he does not want to be here it's ok if he leaves. He can go live with his mom if he wants. He always tells me that he loves me and wants to stay. I really do think that he just loves the fact that he can be in his little computer world 24/7, has everything like food, home, etc taken care of. And he has the me, my son and the dogs for companionship when he wants it... otherwise he can tune us all out... except for the border collie... she does not let him tune her out... she makes him do what she wants...
First it's early morning for me so I have to say good morning.
For a few weeks, don't worry about the his web designer stuff.
Now don't freak yet, He is most likely very attached to his computer. You don't have to remove all of the computers, just his.
Today, remove his computer, keyboard, display and put it in the truck of your car. Tell him no more until additional items around the house are done, dogs get walked every day and he spends quality time with you.
At this point I wouldn't press on the job issue. Let's break his current habits and get him moving.
Leave your computer and your sons. It will bother him and he will use them from time to time but the message you are sending is there in his mind.
Do it....Put his computer in the truck of your car!
Don't talk about the job thing....get him moving and do things with you, the dog and around the house.
Hm, interesting idea to be sure.
You are right that it would bother him… and he would not want to use either my or my son’s computer because they are not as new as his… he has the best/fastest video card that he could get. After all that’s what he needs for his games.
If you had your own successful business one wonders why you stopped. I dont advise you going in 'partnership' with your H at the moment. It wont work, you have to get him a boss to work under and that boss mustnt be you. I think web design is quite sought after at the moment especially if youre up to date (one wonders after ten years). Very many sites are very poorly made and look like a big no entry on their first page and can be vastly improved. I dont know if the start up costs are that much. One has to show what one is capable of.
For a few weeks, don't worry about the his web designer stuff.
Cant agree with that or with the rest of that post. You must first provide an alternative for him to do before taking away 'what he's got'.
If you had your own successful business one wonders why you stopped. I dont advise you going in 'partnership' with your H at the moment. It wont work, you have to get him a boss to work under and that boss mustnt be you. I think web design is quite sought after at the moment especially if youre up to date (one wonders after ten years). Very many sites are very poorly made and look like a big no entry on their first page and can be vastly improved. I dont know if the start up costs are that much. One has to show what one is capable of.
When I had my business, my ex-husband was going to medical school. He moved to Texas to do his residency. So I stayed in New Mexico with our 3.5 year old son and my business. But my son was falling apart. He missed his father horribly. And my ex made all kinds of promises about how he was going to take care of us both during his residency and once he joined a medical practice. So I closed down my business and moved to Texas to keep our family together. It was the right decision for my son. It was the wrong one for me.
You are right that his boss cannot be me. He wanted me to run the business and he do most of the work but he fights me in everything.
The odd thing about my husband is that he has kept up to date with the technology. We have bought the latest in software development tools. He still reads all of the journals, etc. And he does work developing sites.. just not the ones that customers offer to pay for. He creates sites to check out the new technologies. It’s great that he does it.. just wish he would use it.
Yes many if not most site are poorly made. H is a stickler for doing sites the right way. He could make a mint if he would just do it. Startup costs are not really all that much. We already have what is needed. AT most we’d need to spend 1K-2K to get things going.
For the last year I’ve been trying to get him to do sites that show what he is capable of. He does not finish those either.
At work, in your company what would a very take charge, highly sucessful, no nonsense woman do?
She loves her husband and has done everything you have done thus far.
What would a take charge, highly sucessful, no nonsense woman do?
Well, in my day job I work for a fortune 50 engineering firm. I manage multimillion dollar contracts. What would I do with a person who was like him? I’d let them go in a heartbeat. One chance and then they are gone.
For years I tried things with him. But between the things I tried I just lived my life.. I raised the children (his 2 from his previous marriage and my son). In our previous home my husband had an office that was out of the main flow of the house. He’d go to his office when he woke in the morning and he’d be there until after midnight. So I’d see him for a few minutes a day only. I was so busy. It was easy to just ignore him a good part of the time. I know that I let this go on for far too long.
I know that either he has to change NOW or he has to go. I don’t know why I have such a hard time with this with him.
Firstly I do enjoy your posts, and words of wisdom.
Is there some fear that he wont succeed, too scared to make a move out of fantasyland, and too afraid to face reality that is kinda what I read out of the refusal to move forward.
Kudos to your patience and willingness to learn how to lead him out of it, I would agree that after you have tried everything else (sounds like you have) then yes you might need to get a lot tougher about this. Like you said.. shock him a bit.
EleGirl, you story breaks my heart as I have had a close situation as yours. My husband also went the same way as yours for four years he has sunk deep into escaping life and useing his computer or T.V. as his escape. He suffers with add and major depression. He also had a brain stroke 4.5 years ago. He used to be the life of the party and a work aholic before his illness. This almost destroyed both of us. I had had enough of being in charge of everthing and takeing care of house finances and his health. We also have grown kids. The lonliness is killer.
He goes to couseling weekly found the right one, and a physc. Is on meds [many changes to find what works]. But I told him I wouldnt live like this and be a fly on the wall any more. I basically told him to get off his pity pot or move out. Sounds awful but he realized he needed to stop ignoring life. Maybe get yours to a doctor for a complete check up. Have him evaluated by a good mental health Dr. You have to try everything because depression is just awful and can ruin lifes. My husband self estem was horrible but is improving some. He now limits time on computer and has plugged back in much more. He gave me his hard drive for 3 months what a change in him. Take care I hope this is helpful. Toby
Firstly I do enjoy your posts, and words of wisdom.
Thanks. Participating on this site is helping me think about and address my issues. He knows that I post here. We even discuss some of the posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov
Is there some fear that he wont succeed, too scared to make a move out of fantasyland, and too afraid to face reality that is kinda what I read out of the refusal to move forward.
I think this is it. He did search for jobs. I even sent out a lot of resumes for him at one point because I felt he was not being aggressive enough and I wanted to see if it was true that he was just not getting responses. He did get responses and interviews. But no offers. I think that he has become so needy that he blows interviews.
Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov
Kudos to your patience and willingness to learn how to lead him out of it, I would agree that after you have tried everything else (sounds like you have) then yes you might need to get a lot tougher about this. Like you said.. shock him a bit.
I agree, I think I’ve done what I can do. It’s up to me to draw a tough boundary now and for him to do whatever it is he will do. I am fine with it if he ‘fixes’ things or if he leaves. I want a better home life for myself even if it is alone. And I hope that he finds whatever he needs to be a productive person again.
EleGirl, you story breaks my heart as I have had a close situation as yours. My husband also went the same way as yours for four years he has sunk deep into escaping life and useing his computer or T.V. as his escape. He suffers with add and major depression. He also had a brain stroke 4.5 years ago. He used to be the life of the party and a work aholic before his illness. This almost destroyed both of us. I had had enough of being in charge of everthing and takeing care of house finances and his health. We also have grown kids. The lonliness is killer.
He goes to couseling weekly found the right one, and a physc. Is on meds [many changes to find what works]. But I told him I wouldnt live like this and be a fly on the wall any more. I basically told him to get off his pity pot or move out. Sounds awful but he realized he needed to stop ignoring life. Maybe get yours to a doctor for a complete check up. Have him evaluated by a good mental health Dr. You have to try everything because depression is just awful and can ruin lifes. My husband self estem was horrible but is improving some. He now limits time on computer and has plugged back in much more. He gave me his hard drive for 3 months what a change in him. Take care I hope this is helpful. Toby
Toby, thanks for sharing your story. It does give some hope. Your situation does sound a lot like mine, except for the stroke. That certainly added a lot to the issues you were dealing with. I’m happy to hear that things have improved so much for you and your husband.
I did get my husband to doctors and a psychiatrist. He is on meds for ADD and depression. I went to the first appointment with him and told the doc what was going on. I’ve been giving the meds some time to work. I don’t want him to just take the meds and not deal with issues. So I think I’ll go to a few appointments with him to make sure that he deals with those.
My thoughts are pretty random, so I'm sorry, but I tried to come up with a few thought provoking ways to look at it. Hope it helps.
Is there a place in the future where you see yourself as being ready to talk about consequences with him? Don't even know how to say it exactly, but it sounds like fear is the only thing that will get him started. If he has made comments about his beliefs concerning men and work before his job, that even adds weight if you remind him of your shared beliefs as you tell him that you need to see progress towards living a responsible life. Tell him clearly that there is no such thing as not working. So, if he isn't doing it for money, the home should be well taken care of, and meals prepared, before a computer game is turned on.
Maybe you just tell him that the man you love, before his job loss, believed that a man should always work hard, regardless of the income (or no income), and that you see that man still within him. Daily motivation can sound eerily like nagging, if you get my drift.
Or, if fear and encouragement don't work, suggest that you are quickly losing respect for him, as a man. Remind him that some men would take any job, even if it was working sales in the local computer store, or home improvement store, just to be working. At a bare minimum, a man would be taking care of things around the house, not playing games. The problem with shaming, I believe, is that the mental images can stay long after he is back to work.
When my wife was afraid to go back to her professional career, I suggested taking something within her field that was well beneath her six years of medical training, just to overcome the depression and apathy. To introduce her to socializing. Just the pressure, kept up regularly, really made a difference. I got involved with a local group that provides support and help to single mothers, and my wife quickly joined me. Our community posts volunteer opportunities, which might be a tool you can use. Now, she heads up a small program to provide occasional activity days for children who have lost their parents in death.
Its difficult to express your dissappointment, I'm sure, but maybe another option is just to let him know that you will not let his lethargy stop you from living. Find creative things to do away from home. Things that normally include both men and women, so that he can see that he should consider being by your side. Maybe cycling, dance lessons, or wine tasting. Tell him that he's welcome, but you are beyond trying to push him. At some point, he would become very afraid that you would leave him behind, maybe even with another. Keep in mind that you don't have to make comments about moving on, even with another, for him to begin fearing that you already are moving on. Not suggesting that jealousy is intentional, but moving on, in a sense, makes any intelligent man begin to fear that he has to work hard to keep you.
Good thoughts. I'll have to spend some time thinking about your post and also what others have posted. My getting on doing things is a good idea. I like the idea that it be things that normally include both men and women.
Re: How to get positive changes ? 
