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post #46 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:30 PM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Damn do-gooders.

I am pissed. I have mostly said that the past must remain in the past.

Let the past force itself on the future.

Yes, the threat of that forcible exposure had reared its ugly head. Spring Greens former friend threatened to expose the past.

Threats are not reality.

Confessions are just THAT. The past and reality are now one and the same....insane.

I usually recommend silence and hope for the best. I recommended counter threats to the black mailer, not spilling the old baked beans.

Her confession has mortally wounded hope. Now, for sure, she will be judged. Before this confession, there was no judgement, just the potential [of exposure and judgement] was there.

Either way, her excuse for concealing the truth was because she did not want to lose him. The result is the same. The same judgement will be levied against her.

She had some chance of surviving this prior to confession. Now, she has a lot less. Hopefully not zero.

Good Job.....my ass.
So it's better to live...
1. A lie
And
2. In constant fear?

If hubby ultimately wants to bail for something OP did 5 years before they met, its best she learns that now.

Hopefully hubby is made of sterner stuff. But in the worst case scenario where he bails permanently, at least OP is free to pursue a relationship that will be honest from the get go, painful as it may be.

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post #47 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Damn do-gooders.

I am pissed. I have mostly said that the past must remain in the past.

Let the past force itself on the future.

Yes, the threat of that forcible exposure had reared its ugly head. Spring Greens former friend threatened to expose the past.

Threats are not reality.

Confessions are just THAT. The past and reality are now one and the same....insane.

I usually recommend silence and hope for the best. I recommended counter threats to the black mailer, not spilling the old baked beans.

Her confession has mortally wounded hope. Now, for sure, she will be judged. Before this confession, there was no judgement, just the potential [of exposure and judgement] was there.

Either way, her excuse for concealing the truth was because she did not want to lose him. The result is the same. The same judgement will be levied against her.

She had some chance of surviving this prior to confession. Now, she has a lot less. Hopefully not zero.

Good Job.....my ass.
Yeah, let me know when you catch back up to the reality of 2017. You know the decade where threatened exposure is reality and blowing up marriages is fun for people. Hey, if you want to test this theory, you still can. When your husband calms down, call the cops and tell the blackmailer no. If the person tells your husband, you'll know what they would've done.
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post #48 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:39 PM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

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I told my husband about everything. At first he thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. We both sat there, he wasn't saying or doing anything. Then he said he was going to the gym. He was gone for a little more then an hour. So I went to go see if he was there, our apartment building has a its own gym it's the one he use. I went and I wasn't able to find so I called him a couple of times. He hasn't answered any of my calls or any of the text I've sent. I was scared this was going to happen. I never wanted to hurt him, I really do love him with all of my heart and now I might have lost him forever. I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do with without him.
Your husband is probably very surprised and needs some time to process what he's been told and to work through it before talking to you further. You two might need some marriage counseling after this.

I hope you call the police. You do not need proof in order to talk to them. They will tell you exactly what to do about the situation. There are procedures for handling people like her.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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post #49 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

I'm very sorry he responded that way. I know a lot of men would react like that, but I'll never understand it.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring_Green View Post
I told my husband about everything. At first he thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. We both sat there, he wasn't saying or doing anything. Then he said he was going to the gym. He was gone for a little more then an hour. So I went to go see if he was there, our apartment building has a its own gym it's the one he use. I went and I wasn't able to find so I called him a couple of times. He hasn't answered any of my calls or any of the text I've sent. I was scared this was going to happen. I never wanted to hurt him, I really do love him with all of my heart and now I might have lost him forever. I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do with without him.
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post #50 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

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Originally Posted by Rocky Mountain Yeti View Post
So it's better to live...
1. A lie
And
2. In constant fear?

If hubby ultimately wants to bail for something OP did 5 years before they met, its best she learns that now.

Hopefully hubby is made of sterner stuff. But in the worst case scenario where he bails permanently, at least OP is free to pursue a relationship that will be honest from the get go, painful as it may be.
Yes and yes.

From what she wrote, she has been a very good wife after the fact. Now, all that "good" will be forever tainted.
Her husband [family] will never view her the same.

It is not necessary to "open up" until it is not an option.

What she did in the past was unwise. She sacrificed her "image" for money, financial solidity and to help her family. The extenuating circumstances of what she did with the money washes some of the "unwise" action away. IMO

Now, by revealing her past, she has unwisely opened herself up to the small mindedness of common men and women. To expect her husband to wash this sin is silly.

I would take my chances with chances.....my Fate faced, nose to nose. I would let Fate take me down, not my fear of it.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #51 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:02 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Yeah, let me know when you catch back up to the reality of 2017. You know the decade where threatened exposure is reality and blowing up marriages is fun for people. Hey, if you want to test this theory, you still can. When your husband calms down, call the cops and tell the blackmailer no. If the person tells your husband, you'll know what they would've done.
I get this...I do.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......
Do not lie down and beg forgiveness for every past trespass. This trespass is huge [for common men]. You cannot change the past. You can only learn from the past and to not repeat it. Live a better life after making some bad decisions.

Me? I looked at the extenuating circumstances. I can rationalize [her] THIS.

She needed to wait for Fate to knock her flat. As a result of FEAR, she volunteered, she laid down flat.

Fear is not reality, until it IS.

If she gets dumped, she will repeat this "tell-all" cycle with every new man she gets involved with.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #52 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:06 AM
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I am so sorry for you. I hope, I do think your husband is just temporarily upset.

I didn't mention, but should have made a point of it, telling the police would not mean you had to tell your husband.

I probably would have suggested it would be good to let your husband know, in order to end any effort at blackmail. But it wouldn't have been necessary, just to get the police to confront the blackmailer for you. Sadly this does you no good now.

Please let us know what happens. I'm sure many worry for you, and are sorry this is playing out this way. I know I hope you weather this storm and come out of it well.
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post #53 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

@Sunmars she didn't have much choice, given the blackmail situation. He finds out from her, proactively, or from the OP's 'friend'. He finds out from the friend = worse, IMO.
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post #54 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

You know how there is a Moral for every Tale?

What is the Moral here?
.................................................. .................................
Think long and hard. No cookie cutter answers, Por' Favor.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #55 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Yes and yes.

From what she wrote, she has been a very good wife after the fact. Now, all that "good" will be forever tainted.
Only if one chooses to view it as such. All hubby should care about is who she is now. If he can't get past that, he needs to be elsewhere and she deserves one who will accept the whole package.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
It is not necessary to "open up" until it is not an option.
So a lie of omission is better, so long as it perpetuated?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
The extenuating circumstances of what she did with the money washes some of the "unwise" action away. IMO
Something else her hubby should recognize and take into account. This only reinforces my first point above.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Now, by revealing her past, she has unwisely opened herself up to the small mindedness of common men and women.
This is the ultimate reinforcement of my point. If hubby can't get past something she did half a decade before they married, then he's one of those small-minded common men.

I understand your "playing the odds" here; that it's worth taking the chance of exposure that will more certainly lead to worst consequences vice the certain self-disclosed exposure with what may be lesser circumstances. But there's more than a simple risk trade-off here. Starting a marriage with a violation of trust, even one which may never be discovered, is a poor foundation. Poor foundations usually end up cracking at some point.

In the interest of full disclosure here, I will admit I'm looking at this from a particular point of view; not just colored by morality, but rather also my stage in life. I know that, if I was to learn this about my wife, it wouldn't faze me a bit (despite my being fairly conservative in these matters), but this is because we are approaching our 30th wedding anniversary. Our union has been forged into the finest hardened steel by the fires we have faced together over three decades. Anything that happened prior is ancient history lived by a completely different person. I'm not so sure I would have quite this level of comfort with the past were the past not so long ago, as if I had learned this just a couple years into our marriage rather than 30. But knowing this also reinforces the idea that the past is truly the past (which you have said yourself). Whether you learn it 3 years in or 30, it is what it is. Having lived through so much more, I'm better qualified to know that simple truism. It will be harder for OPs hubby without that completeness together, but the underlying principle is still the same.

Hubby needs to also understand how hard this was on his wife. First, her having done what she did in the first place, her having been strong enough to put that behind her and move on, and her having disclosed. Three very difficult chapters in her life. He is facing but one, and if he gets through it, he and his marriage will be stronger. Again, I say this as someone with much more experience, and there's possibly no way to communicate that to hubby as sometimes time and experience are the only teachers that get through. (hence your preference to avoid the disclosure in the first place; I do understand, even if I see it differently)

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post #56 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
You know how there is a Moral for every Tale?

What is the Moral here?
.................................................. .................................
Think long and hard. No cookie cutter answers, Por' Favor.
Some cut cookies simply taste better when the correct balance of ingredients are used.
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post #57 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
I get this...I do.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......
Do not lie down and beg forgiveness for every past trespass. This trespass is huge [for common men]. You cannot change the past. You can only learn from the past and to not repeat it. Live a better life after making some bad decisions.

Me? I looked at the extenuating circumstances. I can rationalize [her] THIS.

She needed to wait for Fate to knock her flat. As a result of FEAR, she volunteered, she laid down flat.

Fear is not reality, until it IS.

If she gets dumped, she will repeat this "tell-all" cycle with every new man she gets involved with.
You can give me all the reasons in the world to be quiet and I will always say " it is much better for them to hear it from you, than to hear it from someone else." Fear is reality, imagined consequences are not. We will just disagree.
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post #58 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

How is it going OP?
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post #59 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

SpringGreen,

Your Hs reaction tells you that you made the right choice in telling him.

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post #60 of 95 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: How to tell my husband about my past

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SpringGreen,

Your Hs reaction tells you that you made the right choice in telling him.

Tamat
What do you mean?
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