When is it time to stop investigating - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 157Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 332
When is it time to stop investigating

So here's a topic that I'm really curious about the response to. It's something I've been thinking about reading some of the threads on here.

So a little background on me, a little over a year ago I found that my wife had been texting another man that she knew through work pretty much from the time she woke up to the time she went to sleep everyday. I jumped the gun and confronted her about it without knowing anything other than the fact that the texting was taking place. I had done a little research and found out who the OM was and although I had never met him, I knew who he was. So she told me that they just text a lot about her work and life in general, that he gives her advice on work related things and they just became friends which led them to talking about their lives, families and just day to day things. I didn't completely buy into it but really what could I have done at the time, I had no evidence of anything and the two of them did cut all ties with each other. That made me even more suspicious but she claimed it was because I completely blew up at her over it, she told him how I reacted and he was honestly afraid of me. I investigated a little further and could still find nothing to suggest there was any kind of physical affair so I had to put it behind me.

So now back in February I randomly found a text on her phone again from a different man, again someone I knew but wasn't friends with, and the text was suggestive. There was no real response to it from my wife other than something non suggestive and just blowing off the text. I looked through the entire text thread and didn't see anything else other than a couple semi flirty texts from him. But again it set me off and I confronted her. She told me that it was an unsolicited text, nothing had ever happened between them and the whole song and dance, once again I wasn't buying it. I let her think I was just putting it behind us but I actually started a full blown investigation. I put a gps tracker on her car at times, I got into her phone without her knowing and went through everything, I planted VAR's in multiple locations throughout the house and in her car, I people follow her and drive by places she told me she was going, I kept logs of when she came home every night and if she had gone out somewhere after work I kept track of where she said she was and who she was with, I mean looking back at it now I became crazy, I even confronted the OM and basically got the same story that she told me.

But I really did become obsessed with trying to find one thing that suggested it was a physical affair, just one little thing. And through all of it, I found nothing. All I found was more and more proof that it was nothing more than just an unsolicited text. But for some reason I kept looking, and it got to the point that she knew 100% that I was watching every little move she made, but I could still find nothing, and it just pushed her further away from me and made her withdraw from our marriage even more. Yes I still pay close attention to things and if something happens or comes up about it I look into it but if I don't find anything I stop and leave it alone. I came to the realization that I was literally driving myself insane over an answer to a question that from what I can see doesn't exist.

So the question here is, when do you feel it's time to stop investigating a possible affair or a known affair that you've been told was over and have begun to reconcile?

AtMyEnd is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 02:58 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,264
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

When she knew that you were looking into every little move she made, didn't that tell her that SHE needed to do something about it. Instead of making you do it behind her back, why didn't she come to you with full disclosure?

To answer your question, I think the time to stop investigating is when she finds out about it. Then, she'll end up going further and further dark so you won't find anything. At that point it makes no sense to continue.

Were you justified in what you did? Absolutely. She did not come to you with full disclosure and remorse about what she did, she gave you reason to believe she kept on doing it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #3 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 332
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
When she knew that you were looking into every little move she made, didn't that tell her that SHE needed to do something about it. Instead of making you do it behind her back, why didn't she come to you with full disclosure?

To answer your question, I think the time to stop investigating is when she finds out about it. Then, she'll end up going further and further dark so you won't find anything. At that point it makes no sense to continue.

Were you justified in what you did? Absolutely. She did not come to you with full disclosure and remorse about what she did, she gave you reason to believe she kept on doing it.
Exactly, but even though about a months worth of investigating turned up nothing, I still kept looking. It wasn't until after I found nothing that she realized I was watching her like a hawk. It was like I was so focused on finding something that I just couldn't stop and that obsession made her notice that I was watching her.

But recenty there have been a few discussions on here about investigating the possibility of an affair or an affair that the BS was told had been ended. In most of those the BS hasn't found anything to back up their suspicions so should they keep digging? Like really, when is enough, enough?
AtMyEnd is offline  
 
post #4 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 03:11 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,008
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

You need to stop. Stop trying to control her and control what you can, you. You need to get to a place where if she was to cheat you would be confident enough that you would be fine and able to move on. Of course it would hurt, but your wife should only be one part of your life not your whole life. The way you do that is to not put all your eggs in her basket so to speak. Branch out and find other things besides you wife to bring you happiness. Build strong man friendships. Grow interesting hobbies. That will put you in a much stronger position to deal with anything from your wife. It also has the added benefit of making you more attractive. While you are at it if you are not is shape get in shape. Again confidence, self assurance.

As for your wife keep your eyes open but that means check her phone every once and a while not run a full CSI investigation. Truth is if she is going to cheat she is going to cheat you can't stop it. I would also let her know that you don't appreciate her receiving flirty texts from men especially when she didn't shut it down and prevent it from continuing. That was disrespectful to you and her marriage. Let he know that there is a point where you are not going to put up with it. That doesn't mean you are going to control her it means you will have to reevaluate your relationship.

Again you have no control over your wife but you do have control over you. Right now this has exposed weakness in you. You are too dependent on her, you are too afraid to lose her.
sokillme is offline  
post #5 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 03:20 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,264
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Exactly, but even though about a months worth of investigating turned up nothing, I still kept looking. It wasn't until after I found nothing that she realized I was watching her like a hawk. It was like I was so focused on finding something that I just couldn't stop and that obsession made her notice that I was watching her.

But recenty there have been a few discussions on here about investigating the possibility of an affair or an affair that the BS was told had been ended. In most of those the BS hasn't found anything to back up their suspicions so should they keep digging? Like really, when is enough, enough?
You kept going because you thought there was a chance that she was having an affair. Nothing you can do will make it go away, you think it's true and you'll do anything to prove to yourself one way or another. You investigate until you have peace of mind. That varies alot from person to person. To investigate for less time than would give you complete assurance that nothing happened would be pointless.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #6 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 03:31 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 332
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You need to stop. Stop trying to control her and control what you can, you. You need to get to a place where if she was to cheat you would be confident enough that you would be fine and able to move on. Of course it would hurt, but your wife should only be one part of your life not your whole life. The way you do that is to not put all your eggs in her basket so to speak. Branch out and find other things besides you wife to bring you happiness. Build strong man friendships. Grow interesting hobbies. That will put you in a much stronger position to deal with anything from your wife. It also has the added benefit of making you more attractive. While you are at it if you are not is shape get in shape. Again confidence, self assurance.

As for your wife keep your eyes open but that means check her phone every once and a while not run a full CSI investigation. Truth is if she is going to cheat she is going to cheat you can't stop it. I would also let her know that you don't appreciate her receiving flirty texts from men especially when she didn't shut it down and prevent it from continuing. That was disrespectful to you and her marriage. Let he know that there is a point where you are not going to put up with it. That doesn't mean you are going to control her it means you will have to reevaluate your relationship.

Again you have no control over your wife but you do have control over you. Right now this has exposed weakness in you. You are too dependent on her, you are too afraid to lose her.
Exactly, I have stopped the full blown CSI investigation. I do log on to our cell account from time to time to look at her text log and her data usage but haven't seen anything. Getting into her phone is a little harder since I need to use her fingerprint to open it while she sleeps, lol. But it was strange, I woke up one morning a couple weeks ago and it felt like the weight was lifted off my chest for some reason. Since then I haven't done anything, I've gone back to basically letting her do her thing and me doing my thing. I haven't seen anything lately that would make me what to investigate so I haven't even thought about it. And like you said, if she's going to cheat there's nothing I can do to stop it. I have my life in order so if we do split the transition will be fairly seamless, but surprisingly over the last couple weeks things between us have improved a lot.

As far as myself, I've actually come a long way since all of this started. I'm out doing more without her, sure there are some things that I do ask if she wants to join just to built our bond a little, but if she says no I go do them anyway. I started working out again back in January, I'm down 30 lbs and my muscle definition is back. I still work out 4-6 times a week and could probably lose another 10-15 lbs but it's going. I actually think she's jealous because her friends have all commented about how good I look and how I've seemed a lot happier lately, yet she hasn't said anything about the weight loss to me. I know she wants to lose 10-15 lbs because she has gained weight over the last year or so and isn't happy with how she looks, which is actually another reason I don't think she was ever physical with the OM, like she really is kind of upset about the weight gain and she can never seem to find time to go to the gym. We have a gym at home with pretty much all the equipment you need and I always ask her to workout with me but she says she needs the motivation of an actual gym so whatever. But in general with myself things are the best they've been in a while.

Last edited by AtMyEnd; 05-11-2017 at 04:16 PM.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #7 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:28 PM
Member
 
weightlifter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NE US
Posts: 4,140
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

If you went full CIA and found nothing it is time to go dormant for 6 months to a year unless something pops up. 6 months to a year do a light investigation and if it comes up negative wait several years to repeat. Unless something comes up of course.

Ive been on the inside many times and have seen it where women tell their friends about something, feel guilty and really don't go back to the bad behaviors.

Several former posters are into one light sweep every year or two for sanity sake.
weightlifter is offline  
post #8 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 04:31 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,150
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

What do you have in terms of passwords to her phones, devices, email and social media accounts, etc?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #9 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 06:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,008
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Exactly, I have stopped the full blown CSI investigation. I do log on to our cell account from time to time to look at her text log and her data usage but haven't seen anything. Getting into her phone is a little harder since I need to use her fingerprint to open it while she sleeps, lol. But it was strange, I woke up one morning a couple weeks ago and it felt like the weight was lifted off my chest for some reason. Since then I haven't done anything, I've gone back to basically letting her do her thing and me doing my thing. I haven't seen anything lately that would make me what to investigate so I haven't even thought about it. And like you said, if she's going to cheat there's nothing I can do to stop it. I have my life in order so if we do split the transition will be fairly seamless, but surprisingly over the last couple weeks things between us have improved a lot.

As far as myself, I've actually come a long way since all of this started. I'm out doing more without her, sure there are some things that I do ask if she wants to join just to built our bond a little, but if she says no I go do them anyway. I started working out again back in January, I'm down 30 lbs and my muscle definition is back. I still work out 4-6 times a week and could probably lose another 10-15 lbs but it's going. I actually think she's jealous because her friends have all commented about how good I look and how I've seemed a lot happier lately, yet she hasn't said anything about the weight loss to me. I know she wants to lose 10-15 lbs because she has gained weight over the last year or so and isn't happy with how she looks, which is actually another reason I don't think she was ever physical with the OM, like she really is kind of upset about the weight gain and she can never seem to find time to go to the gym. We have a gym at home with pretty much all the equipment you need and I always ask her to workout with me but she says she needs the motivation of an actual gym so whatever. But in general with myself things are the best they've been in a while.
This all sounds good. I am not saying avoid doing things with her or dating her and stuff I am saying know you worth. Either she wants to be with you or not. That is on her, someone will appreciate you. In the same respect be a great husband not just for her but for you. If she blows it, doesn't mean you aren't a great husband, and can't be for someone else. But your worth is in your actions not her appreciation of your actions. Know you worth.
sokillme is offline  
post #10 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 160
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quick question - Do you know if she has any of those so-called "cheater apps" on her phone?

Archangel2 is offline  
post #11 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 07:04 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 332
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Archangel2 View Post
Quick question - Do you know if she has any of those so-called "cheater apps" on her phone?
She had been texting with the second guy on Whatsapp, after I confronted her about the other one she knew that I had been checking her text log so I guess that's why she started using that. I've checked the phone for other apps and there wasn't anything other than Snapchat which she's had for years but I still went through that and found nothing. I had also gotten the Dr Fone program so I could download the backups of her deleted texts and Whatsapp messages and really didn't find anything. The only thing I saw was a handful of texts from the OM that were a little flirty but she hadn't really responded to those, she had just went right on with whatever conversation they were having. That was why I stopped investigating, there's only so many times you can check and not find anything before you have to tell yourself that maybe my assumptions of a full blown affair are wrong. Am I 100% confident that nothing ever happened, no, but I can't keep driving myself crazy over something I can't find proof of. I just need to live my life but keep my eyes open and see what happens.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #12 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 07:48 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 708
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

I think you put all your energies into the WRONG guy.

I think OM#1 was the guy you should have been checking out and following. You said yourself she would text him from the minute she got up until the minute she went to bed. I'll assume she deleted all those texts so you only have her 'word' that all their conversations were only about their work, lives and families. I don't believe that at ALL.

It's possible you put the fear of God into her when you confronted her about her 'friendship' with OM#1. And possibly him, as well. Some guys don't care and will continue pursuing anyway, but maybe this guy ran scared and didn't think the risk was worth the 'reward.' But it's also possible they simply moved their texting over to What'sApp or Snapchat or whatever. Honestly? I think you would have found a WHOLE lot of shady stuff between those two if you'd gone to the snooping extremes that you did with OM#2.

That text you found from OM#2 was obviously someone your wife didn't find NEARLY as attractive as she did the first guy, and that's why she didn't engage with him or encourage him. And that's why she wasn't texting the guy from sunup to sundown, like she was with the first guy. Of course you weren't going to find anything going on between them - she wasn't into him. Just her attitude toward him alone in the text string you managed to read made it clear she wasn't interested.

And the fact that this sneak downloaded a chatting/texting app BECAUSE she didn't want to be transparent with you about who she's talking with and what they're saying speaks volumes - and NONE of it good.

I wouldn't trust her if you paid me. Not if you PAID me.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #13 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 07:51 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,516
Cool Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Did you ever fastidiously go through her cellphone bill to check on "strange numbers" and the frequency with which those calls were made? Or even perhaps the random overall occurrence of her texting activity to those same numbers?

If your investigation has reached an impasse, then I'd say that it is time to move on and to let "sleeping dogs" lie!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
post #14 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 332
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I think you put all your energies into the WRONG guy.

I think OM#1 was the guy you should have been checking out and following. You said yourself she would text him from the minute she got up until the minute she went to bed. I'll assume she deleted all those texts so you only have her 'word' that all their conversations were only about their work, lives and families. I don't believe that at ALL.

It's possible you put the fear of God into her when you confronted her about her 'friendship' with OM#1. And possibly him, as well. Some guys don't care and will continue pursuing anyway, but maybe this guy ran scared and didn't think the risk was worth the 'reward.' But it's also possible they simply moved their texting over to What'sApp or Snapchat or whatever. Honestly? I think you would have found a WHOLE lot of shady stuff between those two if you'd gone to the snooping extremes that you did with OM#2.

That text you found from OM#2 was obviously someone your wife didn't find NEARLY as attractive as she did the first guy, and that's why she didn't engage with him or encourage him. And that's why she wasn't texting the guy from sunup to sundown, like she was with the first guy. Of course you weren't going to find anything going on between them - she wasn't into him. Just her attitude toward him alone in the text string you managed to read made it clear she wasn't interested.

And the fact that this sneak downloaded a chatting/texting app BECAUSE she didn't want to be transparent with you about who she's talking with and what they're saying speaks volumes - and NONE of it good.

I wouldn't trust her if you paid me. Not if you PAID me.
I have gone through her Whatsapp, Snapchat, texts, emails, contacts, and everything else. She doesn't even have OM #1's number in her phone anymore, I searched the phone by phone number for that one to see if it was listed under a different name and it wasn't there. The other thing is that knowing my wife's taste, she would've been more attracted to OM #2 if there was something physical and not OM #1. But no, I still don't trust her 100% about any of this. She went to a work networking event recently and when she got home she told me that she had seen OM #1 there and told me that she had no idea he was going to be there. My thinking on her telling me that was if nothing had been going on then why even make a point to tell me he was there and that she didn't know he was going to be there. But still, as much as I have seen some shady and bizarre behavior from her since all of this I still haven't found anything anywhere that suggests things became physical in either case so I needed to back off of my investigations for my own sanity.
AtMyEnd is offline  
post #15 of 168 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 332
Re: When is it time to stop investigating

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Did you ever fastidiously go through her cellphone bill to check on "strange numbers" and the frequency with which those calls were made? Or even perhaps the random overall occurrence of her texting activity to those same numbers?

If your investigation has reached an impasse, then I'd say that it is time to move on and to let "sleeping dogs" lie!
I log into our cell account once a week or so and check the numbers she texts and the data usage. I know her password to the cell account so I log in under her name so any numbers I don't know I'm able to look up in her contacts backup. I also know roughly the amount of data usage a Whatsapp or other messaging app message uses so I can tell if she's sent any messages using an app. The couple times I've gotten into her phone to look through everything, I've even done a search in her contacts by phone number to see if she listed the numbers under a different name. So as of right now I do need to leave things as they are and just keep my eyes open.
AtMyEnd is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Tips for Finding Time for Yourself in a Relationship VS Glen Home Page Feature News 0 05-10-2017 12:39 PM
Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do zio General Relationship Discussion 28 03-09-2017 04:23 PM
First Post - Need help, *long Post* MrW General Relationship Discussion 92 10-12-2016 02:19 PM
Tale as old as time... Wontonga Considering Divorce or Separation 15 08-24-2016 08:16 AM
Rough time sissylo The Ladies' Lounge 13 08-08-2016 04:23 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome