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When is it time to stop investigating

19K views 181 replies 38 participants last post by  Sparta 
#1 ·
So here's a topic that I'm really curious about the response to. It's something I've been thinking about reading some of the threads on here.

So a little background on me, a little over a year ago I found that my wife had been texting another man that she knew through work pretty much from the time she woke up to the time she went to sleep everyday. I jumped the gun and confronted her about it without knowing anything other than the fact that the texting was taking place. I had done a little research and found out who the OM was and although I had never met him, I knew who he was. So she told me that they just text a lot about her work and life in general, that he gives her advice on work related things and they just became friends which led them to talking about their lives, families and just day to day things. I didn't completely buy into it but really what could I have done at the time, I had no evidence of anything and the two of them did cut all ties with each other. That made me even more suspicious but she claimed it was because I completely blew up at her over it, she told him how I reacted and he was honestly afraid of me. I investigated a little further and could still find nothing to suggest there was any kind of physical affair so I had to put it behind me.

So now back in February I randomly found a text on her phone again from a different man, again someone I knew but wasn't friends with, and the text was suggestive. There was no real response to it from my wife other than something non suggestive and just blowing off the text. I looked through the entire text thread and didn't see anything else other than a couple semi flirty texts from him. But again it set me off and I confronted her. She told me that it was an unsolicited text, nothing had ever happened between them and the whole song and dance, once again I wasn't buying it. I let her think I was just putting it behind us but I actually started a full blown investigation. I put a gps tracker on her car at times, I got into her phone without her knowing and went through everything, I planted VAR's in multiple locations throughout the house and in her car, I people follow her and drive by places she told me she was going, I kept logs of when she came home every night and if she had gone out somewhere after work I kept track of where she said she was and who she was with, I mean looking back at it now I became crazy, I even confronted the OM and basically got the same story that she told me.

But I really did become obsessed with trying to find one thing that suggested it was a physical affair, just one little thing. And through all of it, I found nothing. All I found was more and more proof that it was nothing more than just an unsolicited text. But for some reason I kept looking, and it got to the point that she knew 100% that I was watching every little move she made, but I could still find nothing, and it just pushed her further away from me and made her withdraw from our marriage even more. Yes I still pay close attention to things and if something happens or comes up about it I look into it but if I don't find anything I stop and leave it alone. I came to the realization that I was literally driving myself insane over an answer to a question that from what I can see doesn't exist.

So the question here is, when do you feel it's time to stop investigating a possible affair or a known affair that you've been told was over and have begun to reconcile?
 
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#2 ·
When she knew that you were looking into every little move she made, didn't that tell her that SHE needed to do something about it. Instead of making you do it behind her back, why didn't she come to you with full disclosure?

To answer your question, I think the time to stop investigating is when she finds out about it. Then, she'll end up going further and further dark so you won't find anything. At that point it makes no sense to continue.

Were you justified in what you did? Absolutely. She did not come to you with full disclosure and remorse about what she did, she gave you reason to believe she kept on doing it.
 
#3 ·
Exactly, but even though about a months worth of investigating turned up nothing, I still kept looking. It wasn't until after I found nothing that she realized I was watching her like a hawk. It was like I was so focused on finding something that I just couldn't stop and that obsession made her notice that I was watching her.

But recenty there have been a few discussions on here about investigating the possibility of an affair or an affair that the BS was told had been ended. In most of those the BS hasn't found anything to back up their suspicions so should they keep digging? Like really, when is enough, enough?
 
#4 ·
You need to stop. Stop trying to control her and control what you can, you. You need to get to a place where if she was to cheat you would be confident enough that you would be fine and able to move on. Of course it would hurt, but your wife should only be one part of your life not your whole life. The way you do that is to not put all your eggs in her basket so to speak. Branch out and find other things besides you wife to bring you happiness. Build strong man friendships. Grow interesting hobbies. That will put you in a much stronger position to deal with anything from your wife. It also has the added benefit of making you more attractive. While you are at it if you are not is shape get in shape. Again confidence, self assurance.

As for your wife keep your eyes open but that means check her phone every once and a while not run a full CSI investigation. Truth is if she is going to cheat she is going to cheat you can't stop it. I would also let her know that you don't appreciate her receiving flirty texts from men especially when she didn't shut it down and prevent it from continuing. That was disrespectful to you and her marriage. Let he know that there is a point where you are not going to put up with it. That doesn't mean you are going to control her it means you will have to reevaluate your relationship.

Again you have no control over your wife but you do have control over you. Right now this has exposed weakness in you. You are too dependent on her, you are too afraid to lose her.
 
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#6 · (Edited)
Exactly, I have stopped the full blown CSI investigation. I do log on to our cell account from time to time to look at her text log and her data usage but haven't seen anything. Getting into her phone is a little harder since I need to use her fingerprint to open it while she sleeps, lol. But it was strange, I woke up one morning a couple weeks ago and it felt like the weight was lifted off my chest for some reason. Since then I haven't done anything, I've gone back to basically letting her do her thing and me doing my thing. I haven't seen anything lately that would make me what to investigate so I haven't even thought about it. And like you said, if she's going to cheat there's nothing I can do to stop it. I have my life in order so if we do split the transition will be fairly seamless, but surprisingly over the last couple weeks things between us have improved a lot.

As far as myself, I've actually come a long way since all of this started. I'm out doing more without her, sure there are some things that I do ask if she wants to join just to built our bond a little, but if she says no I go do them anyway. I started working out again back in January, I'm down 30 lbs and my muscle definition is back. I still work out 4-6 times a week and could probably lose another 10-15 lbs but it's going. I actually think she's jealous because her friends have all commented about how good I look and how I've seemed a lot happier lately, yet she hasn't said anything about the weight loss to me. I know she wants to lose 10-15 lbs because she has gained weight over the last year or so and isn't happy with how she looks, which is actually another reason I don't think she was ever physical with the OM, like she really is kind of upset about the weight gain and she can never seem to find time to go to the gym. We have a gym at home with pretty much all the equipment you need and I always ask her to workout with me but she says she needs the motivation of an actual gym so whatever. But in general with myself things are the best they've been in a while.
 
#7 ·
If you went full CIA and found nothing it is time to go dormant for 6 months to a year unless something pops up. 6 months to a year do a light investigation and if it comes up negative wait several years to repeat. Unless something comes up of course.

Ive been on the inside many times and have seen it where women tell their friends about something, feel guilty and really don't go back to the bad behaviors.

Several former posters are into one light sweep every year or two for sanity sake.
 
#34 ·
Wouldn't that be alot of data to go over, two years of phone records? I think after a while you'd put it off since it would be such a daunting task.
 
#17 ·
I don't have her passwords to anything. I have bbeen able to get into her computer but she doesn't use that for anything, everything she does is with her phone. I can access her phone without her knowing and have done so a few times. But that's a little tricky, she has her phone set up so that her fingerprint can open the phone. I get in and check the phone on nights that she's had a couple drinks and has fallen asleep. I wait a little to make sure she's really out, I lay there holding her hand for a little so that she feels we touching her hand and gets used to the feeling, and then I take the phone and press her finger to the scanner to open it.
 
#11 ·
She had been texting with the second guy on Whatsapp, after I confronted her about the other one she knew that I had been checking her text log so I guess that's why she started using that. I've checked the phone for other apps and there wasn't anything other than Snapchat which she's had for years but I still went through that and found nothing. I had also gotten the Dr Fone program so I could download the backups of her deleted texts and Whatsapp messages and really didn't find anything. The only thing I saw was a handful of texts from the OM that were a little flirty but she hadn't really responded to those, she had just went right on with whatever conversation they were having. That was why I stopped investigating, there's only so many times you can check and not find anything before you have to tell yourself that maybe my assumptions of a full blown affair are wrong. Am I 100% confident that nothing ever happened, no, but I can't keep driving myself crazy over something I can't find proof of. I just need to live my life but keep my eyes open and see what happens.
 
#12 ·
I think you put all your energies into the WRONG guy.

I think OM#1 was the guy you should have been checking out and following. You said yourself she would text him from the minute she got up until the minute she went to bed. I'll assume she deleted all those texts so you only have her 'word' that all their conversations were only about their work, lives and families. I don't believe that at ALL.

It's possible you put the fear of God into her when you confronted her about her 'friendship' with OM#1. And possibly him, as well. Some guys don't care and will continue pursuing anyway, but maybe this guy ran scared and didn't think the risk was worth the 'reward.' But it's also possible they simply moved their texting over to What'sApp or Snapchat or whatever. Honestly? I think you would have found a WHOLE lot of shady stuff between those two if you'd gone to the snooping extremes that you did with OM#2.

That text you found from OM#2 was obviously someone your wife didn't find NEARLY as attractive as she did the first guy, and that's why she didn't engage with him or encourage him. And that's why she wasn't texting the guy from sunup to sundown, like she was with the first guy. Of course you weren't going to find anything going on between them - she wasn't into him. Just her attitude toward him alone in the text string you managed to read made it clear she wasn't interested.

And the fact that this sneak downloaded a chatting/texting app BECAUSE she didn't want to be transparent with you about who she's talking with and what they're saying speaks volumes - and NONE of it good.

I wouldn't trust her if you paid me. Not if you PAID me.
 
#14 ·
I have gone through her Whatsapp, Snapchat, texts, emails, contacts, and everything else. She doesn't even have OM #1's number in her phone anymore, I searched the phone by phone number for that one to see if it was listed under a different name and it wasn't there. The other thing is that knowing my wife's taste, she would've been more attracted to OM #2 if there was something physical and not OM #1. But no, I still don't trust her 100% about any of this. She went to a work networking event recently and when she got home she told me that she had seen OM #1 there and told me that she had no idea he was going to be there. My thinking on her telling me that was if nothing had been going on then why even make a point to tell me he was there and that she didn't know he was going to be there. But still, as much as I have seen some shady and bizarre behavior from her since all of this I still haven't found anything anywhere that suggests things became physical in either case so I needed to back off of my investigations for my own sanity.
 
#13 ·
Did you ever fastidiously go through her cellphone bill to check on "strange numbers" and the frequency with which those calls were made? Or even perhaps the random overall occurrence of her texting activity to those same numbers?

If your investigation has reached an impasse, then I'd say that it is time to move on and to let "sleeping dogs" lie!
 
#15 ·
I log into our cell account once a week or so and check the numbers she texts and the data usage. I know her password to the cell account so I log in under her name so any numbers I don't know I'm able to look up in her contacts backup. I also know roughly the amount of data usage a Whatsapp or other messaging app message uses so I can tell if she's sent any messages using an app. The couple times I've gotten into her phone to look through everything, I've even done a search in her contacts by phone number to see if she listed the numbers under a different name. So as of right now I do need to leave things as they are and just keep my eyes open.
 
#18 ·
Gawd..don't you hate this.

I would really want this snooping to end.

By catching her.
By seeing that she has quit this chicanery.

I would continue for a while.
Stop looking through her phone.

Go the VAR route. The voice activated recorder in her car and in the place at home where she sits.

I would look for a burner phone. When she is not home, go through everything she owns, in her closet, in pockets, old purses, under furniture. Pull out drawers, look in the open space.

A burner phone could be in her car, under a seat or carpet or in her trunk under the sound proofing. Or, it could be plugged in at work, in her desk or locker.

GPS her car.

YOU MUST not let on that you are still suspicious. Be calm and trusting, as hard as that is.

Others will tell you that this is no way to live. Just divorce her if you do not trust her. That is another option.

Good luck.
 
#20 ·
I've done all of that and it's all turned up nothing. That's why I'm backing off for now unless something else comes up. I'm still going to gain access to her phone and look through it when I can but there isn't much point in doing everything else anymore. I don't completely trust her, but I trust her more than I did a month ago so we'll have to see how things go. Divorce is the last option for me, that will happen either when I see things not improving anymore or if I do find proof of a physical affair at some point. As much as I know all of this has been grounds for divorce, we do have a young son, and I don't want to do anything that could hurt him or possibly hurt my relationship with him or how he looks at me unless I really have to. I know that if we did divorce that one day he would understand why but if it happened now he probably wouldn't be able to fully understand all of it for another couple years
 
#21 ·
Ahhh!

If it is love that holds you to her and not the financial damage that will ensue, and not the child's response to divorce............... than recapture her.

Do you want her back?

Body and Soul?

I am holding back any further response until I have your answer.

Are you staying for love or financial convenience or only for the child's welfare?
 
#23 ·
I do love her, we do still have a great dynamic together. Yes there have been issues in our marriage on both sides over the last couple years but nothing that cannot be worked out. The only thing that would be a complete deal breaker is if I did find out that there was a physical affair, if that ever did come out I'd file for divorce the next day. People make mistakes and bad choices in life, we're only human. And yes there's a very small part of me that if she had told me she was having an affair when I first confronted her, I probably would've tried to work things out. But at this point, after she has told me numerous times that there was no affairs and that nothing ever happened other than texting, I wouldn't be willing to work things out.

I make good money and so does she so I'm not staying for financial reasons. Yes I would take a hit if we divorced and split assets but it's nothing I wouldn't recover from. I've actually been planning out my finances and everything for the last few months in case we do split so I'm ready if it happens. Yes I do still love her, we have a great dynamic, great memories, an amazing son, and have built a great life together. That's why I look at divorce as a last resort, we've had a great 13 out of 15 years together, and I don't see a reason to throw that all away because of a couple bad choices....unless there really was an affair. And yes another big reason I haven't left yet is our son. I would never do anything that I know would hurt him like leaving unless I absolutely had to.
 
#22 ·
Either let it go or move on. It's what I did with certain boundaries. My wife knows if it gets as bad as the texting was before, there will be no more chances. I don't check anymore, but she understands a missing text string or out of sequence weirdness and she's out. I'm not a prisoner or a jailer, I refuse to live my life in this fashion. You want out, you want to date, you need something you aren't allegedly getting from me cool, go ahead and do what you want, I am just not going along for the ride.
 
#24 ·
Thank you for your honesty.

Yes, she did have an emotional affair, by the way.
..............................................................................................
Honestly, win her back, then.

I would get her alone; your son asleep or with grandparents.

With both of you naked and standing "toe to toe, boobs to chest".

Squeeze her to you hard, pushing her against the wall.

Gently hold her face and make her look you in the eyes.

Tell her:

I married you for life.
I do not need nor do I want any other women.
I love you with all my heart.
I would die for you, so that you could live.

There is nothing more in life that I want then to hold you like this.
You are wanted and loved more than you can imagine.

I am a jealous man. I am. But that is because I love you and value you above all else.

I hope you feel the same way about me.

Watch her eyes.
If she returns your love and words in a like manner, this is great.

If she hems and haws or brings up past problems, if she averts her eyes and looks down or somewhere else..... you have a problem.

This will reset her love clock. Will it take to the new timezone? Time will tell.
You have put her on notice. Notice her response over the next few weeks.
 
#25 ·
I will give it a try. I have said similar things to her in the past, I've told her how I'm all in on working on our problems and putting the past issues behind us. I've told her that I wouldn't have been as upset as I was if I didn't love her and want to be with her. Her response is usually the same "I just don't know right now". She tells me that me blowing up and accusing her of having an affair twice now based on only seeing that she was texting with another man bothers her and that she feels afraid that any time I see that she's texting with someone of the opposite sex that I'm going to jump to the conclusion of an affair. Personally I see that as BS as she knows that I know she has a lot of male friends. She works in a very male dominated industry and I can't really blame on on this one, but she always says how male friends are less drama than females. I know pretty much all of her male friends and I really don't have a problem with any of them at all.

I know that there were feelings for both of these other men and I won't deny that, but I still don't think either of them were ever physical. What I do know is that as long as I keep my guard up that if there was ever something physical that it will come out eventually, nothing stays hidden forever.
 
#27 ·
The wife is not helping him in his quandary. She is not soothing his doubts...a tad cold, methinks.

Not soothing, not at all.

Some of the strong women on TAM will say that he needs to "get over it". Grow a pair. Be strong. Stop snooping.
But all those texts that she wrote to OM1. Yikes, she is "Iced Tea". And has not trickled out much of it, yet. She is full of dark piss.

The other issue...she has lots of "perceived" admirers at work and probably with vendors, clients. She is sure of her worth. Good for her...bad for you.
Her "I don't know right now" statement is not promising. No, it isn't.

I see compatibility issues here...hear?

Give her the Wall Press. Test her residual equation for your trusting anxious Triggy heart.

Get back to us, with the resultant expression...........on her face.
 
#30 ·
The wife is not helping him in his quandary. She is not soothing his doubts...a tad cold, methinks.

Not soothing, not at all.

Some of the strong women on TAM will say that he needs to "get over it". Grow a pair. Be strong. Stop snooping.
But all those texts that she wrote to OM1. Yikes, she is "Iced Tea". And has not trickled out much of it, yet. She is full of dark piss.

The other issue...she has lots of "perceived" admirers at work and probably with vendors, clients. She is sure of her worth. Good for her...bad for you.
Her "I don't know right now" statement is not promising. No, it isn't.

I see compatibility issues here...hear?

Give her the Wall Press. Test her residual equation for your trusting anxious Triggy heart.

Get back to us, with the resultant expression...........on her face.
See that's one of the things she's always told me she loves about me, that I know she's always around all these men all the time but it never seems to phase me. Yes in the past it never did phase me, I had complete trust in her and she never gave me a reason to doubt that trust. But now something like this happening twice now, whether she did something with them or not that trust has been broken. I have been working on myself a lot, and I haven't been letting her see that any of this still bothers me at all. It's all just going to take time to see how it all plays out.
 
#43 ·
So the question here is, when do you feel it's time to stop investigating a possible affair or a known affair that you've been told was over and have begun to reconcile?
For me it was a very gradual ending. After two years, I finally got bored with it because there was no longer anything to see. Being bored was a wonderful feeling. However, one thing will always continue. That is transparency. We both have each other's passwords and we are able to use each other's smart phones at any time.
 
#48 ·
When the first OM came into the texting scene, that is when male friendships should have ended. Instead, you are still allowing her to run along through that flame like a moth and will most certainly get burned.

She crossed a boundary with the first OM texting party and you failed to nip that in the bud. Time to set some boundaries in regards to friends of the opposite sex as trust has been broken. Why are you afraid of calling a spade a spade? That is what the texting was a full blown EA= a spade.

That would be enough to stop snooping as anything after that has most certainly gone underground. There is a burner phone out there somewhere as her "male friendships" are still active.

You need to honest reading to do and she needs to realize that her behavior is wrong and not one a married woman should engage in if she wants to continue being married plain and simple.

You two have had a marriage with very poor boundaries and that is evident if she sees having many male friends as OK, It is far from OK.

Do you have many female friends you text and talk too often?

Who gives a rat's behind about a male dominated workplace? That should not bleed into your personal life and much less into the frendship zone or home life. It's just an excuse to get some kibble bits from other men and her feeling desired by a bunch of men that may see her a easy since she offers no way of wanting more with them than a fling or some ego kibbles because she has a husband that allows his wife to give time and attention to a bunch of so called male coworkers/friends.

It's your life, it's you marriage and it is your wife that is messing up here. Maybe you need to start seeking more female friends that may be the future Mrs. in you life.

Just sayin and you can take the advice or not, but loose boundaries make for loose or broken relationships. Very probable recipe for divorce of course!

Books to read: Not Just Friends and Boundaries in marriage, boundaries in the workplace. Don't know the authors anymore as I read them over 10 years ago when my 21 year marriage had extremely poor boundaries. I learned the hard way by the way.
 
#51 ·
Well the majority of her male friends are people she works with, she has to talk to them. She's an attorney and is out of the office in meetings or in court most days as well as the rest of them which is why they all always just text each other. The two men who were involved in the incidents, one I had never met but had heard of from her, and the other I knew from our volleyball league but wouldn't say we were "friends" with and I didn't know she had been texting with him because she did so through Whatsapp. When I found out about it was when I confronted her on it
 
#54 ·
I haven't read this entire thread so I'm sorry if I'm repeating things or asking questions over...

Your wife's behavior would drive me nuts too. But it's not ok to be a crazy, controlling, stalking husband, but I would probably drive myself crazy too if my spouse didn't respect my boundaries.

Here is my thing... Do you think it's ok for your wife to have male friends that she texts with and hangs out with by themselves? Do you have any female friends that you do this with?

For me, it's absolutely inappropriate and is a huge boundary for me. My husband knows this and respects this.

When you first discovered her texting with the OM what happened? Did you tell her that you don't want her to be texting any males etc? Or did she just say hey we're friends it's no big deal. Because if you told her that you don't want her texting other men and she did it again without telling you then she is guilty, crossing boundaries and being super disrespectful and I would demand her passwords. If you think it's ok for her to have male friends and text them, then she isn't guilty of anything.

So my question is... what is your view on her having male friends and did you make your view clear to her? Because it doesn't seem like that boundary was discussed and sorted through to begin with.
 
#55 ·
I really don't like the book, but you may need to read no more Mr. Nice Guy because you just accept all types of blame for everything. Then you call "BS," but promptly see and understand your wife's argument. Seriously, 225 and 7'10 doesn't matter if you treat her right. It doesn't matter when it comes to her having male friends. Seriously, the more you type the more I see why this continues. Just to be clear, there is no reason to set boundaries if you have zero consequences ready to enact.

Oh and just to point it out, she escalated right? First was caught texting, you told her she was caught, then she moved onto whatsapp.
 
#56 ·
The truth always surfaces. In the strangest ways. Live your life as best you can. Accept you found nothing. Then, either break up or go to therapy. There is something amiss here. Your instinct is telling you something. Cheaters eventually get caught. But when they know you are watching they don't unless they want to be caught. You wont her catch her now using these techniques. Drop the suspicions. Either leave the relation or go to therapy.
 
#58 ·
You are in prison.

The women you love is on the other side of your self imposed bars.

She is:

happy.
happy with you.

has integrity.
has good communication skills.

attractive.
is attracted to you.

is loyal.
quick to show you her love for you.

capable of growing when the need arrives.
desirous of seeing the marriage to the proper end.

not in need of compliments from other men.
ready for your compliments and rewards you with hers.

willing and ready to enjoy things together with you, without complaint.

You are looking at this women right now.

Whoa...who is this women?

Not yours.

Find yours'............... Get divorced.
 
#59 ·
So things came to a head last night. Her attitude had been back all weekend and it was no different when she got home last night. She had gone out to have drinks and catch up with a friend, when she got home she didn't even come downstairs, she just sat on the top of the stairs. She said she didn't want to come down because I've been sick and she didn't want my germs. I asked her about her night and she told me, the only thing was was the whole time she talked she not only didn't look at me but she didn't even look in my direction.

When we went up to bed I asked if she needed water, I went to take her glass and glanced at her phone. She was texting away like she always does but I happened to catch a glimpse of the name, it was the "other name" that I knew she had OM #2 in her phone as. I didn't say anything, went and got her water and then laid down. She fell asleep but I couldn't, around 2am I sent her a text telling her that I was done with her dismissive attitude, her lies and hiding things and how she always makes me feel like it's me who needs to be sorry for something. I told her that the ball is in her court now of how she wants to move forward and how I need to hear the words from her of what her decision is, but that she doesn't have a big window to make up her mind.

Around 4am she woke me up asking me what the text was about so I told her that I knew she was still texting with him and I asked her who the name I saw in her phone was. She told me she didn't know and didn't think she had anyone in her phone by that name, so I told her she's lying and told her that I knew it was him. Then I started asking her about other things that I know she's lied about about over the last couple months that she didn't know that I knew about, and again she told me the same stories as last time and I told her I knew they were all lies.

As much as I know they were lies, I also know that the truths that went along with those lies other than the phone listing, were nothing bad, but still lies. I told her that I was done with her lying and excuses and I told her that she has until the end of the month to make a decision on if she wants to try and fix things or just end it. But I told her that I need to hear the words from her, and if she does want to try and fix things that I need to see the effort on her part, and a real effort. I also told her that if she didn't tell me her decision by the end of the month that I'll be in the lawyers office the following day to start filing for divorce. She kept trying to throw back her lying on me and blaming me for why she felt she needed to lie. I told her it's just another excuse and it's time to make a decision. I'm done living like this and I can't live with someone I constantly have to second guess and question if they're being honest. So 2 weeks until decision day, let's see what happens. Either way I'm ready.
 
#64 ·
So I was right 2 posts ago, you did finally get tired but not tired enough.

Dude this is the 3rd time now. She is not going to change because she doesn't want to. Giving her 2 weeks is only giving her time to placate you for another few months. She is toxic. You don't know what life can be like with a person who actually only wants you. It is nothing like what you are putting up with. It's SO much better, if you only knew you wouldn't be wasting your time on this bull****.

You are going to be 10 years over this women and she will have some other poor schlep investigating her while she secretly goes out with he boyfriends and text them 100 times a day. This is the type of person she is. She is broken and needs constant attention, she is really not the marring kind.
 
#68 · (Edited)
I've been here too long. Stop it, this is you procrastinating and it has ZERO to do with family. It is you being scared to blow up your marriage. I could get you over a hundred threads with people saying:
Birthday
Family
Christmas
New Years
Anniversary
Children
Some Truths
etc.

No, you are hoping she'll come with a somewhat rationale explanation so, you can continue in your comfortable limbo. Oh and you love the idea of your previous wife, this is not the same person any longer. Still, love her and do what you want, but when the hammer drops it is going to hurt that much worse.

"I just need time and space to think right now"
I printed out divorce papers and packed my wife's bags the next day after her little "I can have male friends blah blah blah" comment. I was close, very close to divorcing her with this comment. If she would have said this, you said it has been stated more than once, I'd be the often insulted so called "bitter man" people complain about on this board. Nope, you don't need to think about me vs another man, it means you are freeloading in our marriage. I am out.
 
#71 ·
I've been here too long. Stop it, this is you procrastinating and it has ZERO to do with family. It is you being scared to blow up your marriage. I could get you over a hundred threads with people saying:
Birthday
Family
Christmas
New Years
Anniversary
Children
Some Truths
etc.

No, you are hoping she'll come with a somewhat rationale explanation so, you can continue in your comfortable limbo. Oh and you love the idea of your previous wife, this is not the same person any longer. Still, love her and do what you want, but when the hammer drops it is going to hurt that much worse.


I printed out divorce papers and packed my wife's bags the next day after her little "I can have male friends blah blah blah" comment. I was close, very close to divorcing her with this comment. If she would have said this, you said it has been stated more than once, I'd be the often insulted so called "bitter man" people complain about on this board. Nope, you don't need to think about me vs another man, it means you are freeloading in our marriage. I am out.
QFT.

You are scared, and talking is your method to avoid taking action.

Talk less, do more.
 
#73 ·
I will say it is hard not to right fight. This is what you are doing and it needs to stop. I said it earlier and now FSJ is saying it again. Stop these circular arguments. If I catch you stealing, I do not need to ask you what the hell you are doing, I call the cops and let them decide. About a decade or longer, my kid stole from a store. When I talked the store out of calling the cops, I lit him up when we got home. I didn't give him a chance to lie, I told him how it would be. Why? You got caught stealing and there is nothing you can say which will mitigate what I saw on the cameras. He did the "but dad" and I stopped it cold.

Yes, your wife is acting like a child. You caught her in a lie. I mean what type of person uses a similar name to contact someone? Unless, of course, you are TRYING to set someone on edge or needle them. She woke you up at 4 and you spilled your guts. She knows EXACTLY what to do because you change nothing and do the same things. You'll put, mull over the marriage, get distant and in two weeks love will conquer all. Then, in a few months, she'll start up again. You know, because she has just proven to you she loves male attention.
 
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