25th anniversary separate trip - Page 14 - Talk About Marriage
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post #196 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Wolf1974 View Post
they don't unless they just don't care anymore. Sorry to say but the OP has bigger problems than this anniversary.
QFT

OP, What are you going to do about this? I think you have two issues to address: one is the actual anniversary and the other is the state of your relationship that allowed your wife to do this. Are you going to go with the status quo, or are you going to rock the boat?

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post #197 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I don't know. I guess I must have grown up on another planet. I have never known any women in my family or outside my family who would have glossed over a 25th Anniversary. In fact, any one of my uncles or grandfathers would have been DOA at the hospital if they ignored or forgotten a 25th... It would have been unthinkable. All the women I knew growing up, and most women who I consider friends now, would go ballistic if their husbands ignored such an important anniversary. Homicidal....

Is the OP's wife an aberration or is this becoming more and more the norm with women?
I don't know about the norm...

but I cannot tell you without looking at my marriage certificate the exact date of my marriage. I can tell you the approximate week and thankfully it falls close to a major holiday so I usually have a heads up. I also...don't know the exact amount of years I've been married. It's either 9 or 10. I don't think it's 8. My husband will remind me soon though, which is nice.

Which has nothing to do with the OP.

@WorkingOnMe, you are not a bad guy for having feelings. I don't know if that has been directly said yet but--you aren't. It sucks that your wife is hurting you and what sucks even harder is you don't feel like you can tell her that directly. I'm not into revenge as a way of solving anything but I don't think you should sugar coat anything. You are hurt by her actions and it's okay to let that be known.

Like I said I don't really know the dates of my marriage. I do know the feelings though and if I got a "whap" on the head that "HEY. THIS IS OUR ANNIVERSARY AND YOU ARE BEING A **** BY BLOWING IT OFF," I would immediately change any plans I made.

It might be too late to change plans, it's never too late to get real.
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post #198 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:54 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I'm trying to decide what to say to her. I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.


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Then that's exactly what you say.

"You knew that our 25th is important to me, yet you asked about the Hawaii trip anyway. I resent being put in a position of having to choose between being the bad guy who doesn't let you go to Hawaii and burying my feelings. So, I want you to go on the trip and I'm not going to bury my feelings."

When she's asks you what you are going to do about it, say "I don't know".
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post #199 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Its hard to imagine that after 25 years she didn't have clue that you would be upset by this Just because she isn't that bothered by such things, surely she knows you well enough to know that to you they are important?
Some people don't care much about anniversaries (like me). But, my wife cares about anniversaries and I care about her; so I care about anniversaries. It's one of those "things that show that you care about your spouse's happiness" that I think are the key to a good marriage.
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post #200 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:19 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

"I need to revisit this Hawaii trip because I kind of felt blind sided and wasn't really prepared for what you were communicating to me.... I would never have even considered taking a guys vacation during our 25th anniversary and frankly it hurts and pisses me off that you not only considered it but you set me up to look like the chump if I said no. And that's why I didn't say no. The fact that you want to go away during our 25th tells me you don't value the achievements we've made together to get to 25 years. Whether you go or not is fully on you and I'll be fine with whatever decision you make. That's all I wanted to tell you."

And then she'll say, "so you don't want me to go?"

And you repeat, word for word, what you (me actually) just said.

The decision is her, as are the consequences.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #201 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
Some people don't care much about anniversaries (like me). But, my wife cares about anniversaries and I care about her; so I care about anniversaries. It's one of those "things that show that you care about your spouse's happiness" that I think are the key to a good marriage.
I dislike all celebrations. Nope, no FOO issues we celebrated birthdays and all of the stuff. I just never cared for them except when I was really young. My wife is nearly the opposite so, while she knows I cannot stand the corporate ones we celebrate the milestones. Yes, this was a discussion we had when we were dating. Regardless of how I feel I'd NEVER schedule anything on those days, it has come up before, unless the conflict came from her side.
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post #202 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:24 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Have you said anything to her yet?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #203 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:06 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

The fact that the trip falls during their 25th anniversary is icing on the cake.

Getting informed, by text, that your spouse is going on a trip without you, without discussion, is unacceptable behaviour.

Period.
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post #204 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:16 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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This is true. At the time I thought there was enough sarcasm in my voice to be clear I wasn't cool with it, but people here what they want to here. And ya, I lied to not look like a controlling jerk. You may have noticed that I can come off a little blunt if I don't actively keep myself in check.
Come off a little blunt then if that's how you can communicate honestly.

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post #205 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:25 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Last weekend we had a nice little getaway. We took a couple ferries and went to the San Juan islands to a bed and breakfast, toured around on the motorcycle and had a great time. Just a Mother's Day weekend trip. When we got back, I had to run an errand. While I was gone I received a text from my wife. My wife has been wanting to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend who recently bought a condo there. I'm fine with that. She's gone on a separate vacation several times over the years and I don't have an issue with that. I do my own thing sometimes too.

Anyway, this text said that her friend can only get away from the 25th of August to September 2nd. So, she's going to Hawaii. Our 25th anniversary is on the 29th. I'm not exactly happy about this. She asked me if I minded, which I felt was her way of shifting the issue to me rather than owning her decision to skip this milestone of ours. I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.

I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.
This is exactly what causes so much problems in marriages (including my own)

1. your wife is either genuinely not as interested in the anniversary as you are or is playing a game to see if you will take the lead and tell her not to go

2. You are also playing a game in expecting her to make the decision - but in your favour

3. This is two people playing passive aggressive games for whatever reason, maybe you don't want to get hurt, reveal too much, be the first to show your love/affection, whatever. However, this is how marriages end up because of lack of honesty and being true to oneself.

4. Workingonme, if you felt so strongly, why couldn't you tell her, I really do not want you to go, I want you here. Be a man and say it like it is, instead you have not and now are resentful.

This doesn't make anyone happy. I bet your wife is also not happy but you chose not to take the lead.
In fact here on TAM, I read so much about women not being direct and telling their husbands exactly what they need, how are you being different? Be direct, tell her what you need.

if she refuses, then that is entirely a different thing, and you know exactly where you stand.

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post #206 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
"I need to revisit this Hawaii trip because I kind of felt blind sided and wasn't really prepared for what you were communicating to me.... I would never have even considered taking a guys vacation during our 25th anniversary and frankly it hurts and pisses me off that you not only considered it but you set me up to look like the chump if I said no. And that's why I didn't say no. The fact that you want to go away during our 25th tells me you don't value the achievements we've made together to get to 25 years. Whether you go or not is fully on you and I'll be fine with whatever decision you make. That's all I wanted to tell you."

And then she'll say, "so you don't want me to go?"

And you repeat, word for word, what you (me actually) just said.

The decision is her, as are the consequences.
So I said this to her this morning. Well mostly anyway.....not word for word. Her response? "Oh, I already changed the dates so I would be home for our anniversary. I guess I forgot to tell you, but I told her I had to be home before then." She says that after we talked on Sunday she was bothered about the dates so she texted her friend right back saying she had to be back by the 29th. But she never got back to me to let me know. So ya, communication is definitely an issue.

Last edited by WorkingOnMe; 05-19-2017 at 01:51 PM.
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post #207 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So I said this to her this morning. Well mostly anyway.....not word for word. Her response? "Oh, I already changed the dates so I would be home for our anniversary. I guess I forgot to tell you, but I told her I had to be home before then." She says that after we talked on Sunday she was bothered about the dates so she texted her friend right back saying she had to be back by the 29th. But she never got back to me to let me know. So ya, communication is definitely an issue.
Well that is good news. My only caution is that something is wrong when you are afraid to tell your own wife when your feelings are hurt, when it comes to something like this. We are not talking about her yelling at you for not taking out the garbage. You should figure out why that is. It would do both of you good. Women like assertive men.
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post #208 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Sounds like a massive **** test. Is she always trying to press your buttons?
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post #209 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Sounds like a massive **** test. Is she always trying to press your buttons?
Yeah...I'm wondering that too...
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post #210 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So I said this to her this morning. Well mostly anyway.....not word for word. Her response? "Oh, I already changed the dates so I would be home for our anniversary. I guess I forgot to tell you, but I told her I had to be home before then." She says that after we talked on Sunday she was bothered about the dates so she texted her friend right back saying she had to be back by the 29th. But she never got back to me to let me know. So ya, communication is definitely an issue.
She does not seem to be very respectful of you. She set you up to begin with and then she doesn't even tell you she changed her mind until, once again, you have revisit the issue.

She plays games with you. Very subtle mind games. She has to be in control often doesn't she? How old are your kids again?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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Last edited by Anon Pink; 05-19-2017 at 03:32 PM. Reason: Added missing not. Thanks Charlie!
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