Last weekend we had a nice little getaway. We took a couple ferries and went to the San Juan islands to a bed and breakfast, toured around on the motorcycle and had a great time. Just a Mother's Day weekend trip. When we got back, I had to run an errand. While I was gone I received a text from my wife. My wife has been wanting to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend who recently bought a condo there. I'm fine with that. She's gone on a separate vacation several times over the years and I don't have an issue with that. I do my own thing sometimes too.
Anyway, this text said that her friend can only get away from the 25th of August to September 2nd. So, she's going to Hawaii. Our 25th anniversary is on the 29th. I'm not exactly happy about this. She asked me if I minded, which I felt was her way of shifting the issue to me rather than owning her decision to skip this milestone of ours. I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.
I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.
This is exactly what causes so much problems in marriages (including my own)
1. your wife is either genuinely not as interested in the anniversary as you are or is playing a game to see if you will take the lead and tell her not to go
2. You are also playing a game in expecting her to make the decision - but in your favour
3. This is two people playing passive aggressive games for whatever reason, maybe you don't want to get hurt, reveal too much, be the first to show your love/affection, whatever. However, this is how marriages end up because of lack of honesty and being true to oneself.
4. Workingonme, if you felt so strongly, why couldn't you tell her, I really do not want you to go, I want you here. Be a man and say it like it is, instead you have not and now are resentful.
This doesn't make anyone happy. I bet your wife is also not happy but you chose not to take the lead.
In fact here on TAM, I read so much about women not being direct and telling their husbands exactly what they need, how are you being different? Be direct, tell her what you need.
if she refuses, then that is entirely a different thing, and you know exactly where you stand.