WOM, I'm glad you've got a resolution; hope you get smooth sailing from here on in; and have a great anniversary.
But, I read the whole thread. And, you were really set up to lose either way.
If you are honest, and say that you are unhappy, immediately, when your wife says she's going to Hawaii on the anniversary----then you're a bad guy [controlling, selfish, wet blanket etc. etc].
If you avoid confrontation, because you know she wants to go to Hawaii with her friend----now you're passive-aggressive and aren't in charge of the relationship.
Be aware that your wife may be aware of this dynamic; and your behavior patterns. She knows you don't wanna be the bad guy; so she sets things up with that in mind.
I struggle with this myself. I don't have a solution. But I truly detest people presenting me with an "option", which makes me out to be the killjoy if I protest or decline. Some folks are *very* good at pulling the strings with others. And it's hard to always be on guard with a spouse, wondering if they are trying to manipulate you.
you going to Europe ,or Asia with your kids, because Dug can't get away from work; is a totally different situation than this. You aren't leaving him at home. You aren't going off with girlfriends. You're going with family because he *can't* leave work to share it with you. It's disappointing, sure, but it's not the same emotionally as a spouse putting you in second place on a landmark anniversary.