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post #211 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
She does seem to be very respectful of you.
Is a "not" missing?




Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #212 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Is a "not" missing?
Funny, I thought she was being sarcastic.
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post #213 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
She does not seem to be very respectful of you. She set you up to begin with and then she doesn't even tell you she changed her mind until, once again, you have revisit the issue.

She plays games with you. Very subtle mind games. She has to be in control often doesn't she? How old are your kids again?


We've definitely had issues with control. The kids are 14, 16 and 20. In some instances I think she tries to assert control because she has so little of it. Now she's acting like everything's cool.


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post #214 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Glad it worked out, but you both need to work on communication.
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post #215 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

WOM, I'm glad you've got a resolution; hope you get smooth sailing from here on in; and have a great anniversary.


But, I read the whole thread. And, you were really set up to lose either way.

If you are honest, and say that you are unhappy, immediately, when your wife says she's going to Hawaii on the anniversary----then you're a bad guy [controlling, selfish, wet blanket etc. etc].

If you avoid confrontation, because you know she wants to go to Hawaii with her friend----now you're passive-aggressive and aren't in charge of the relationship.

Be aware that your wife may be aware of this dynamic; and your behavior patterns. She knows you don't wanna be the bad guy; so she sets things up with that in mind.

I struggle with this myself. I don't have a solution. But I truly detest people presenting me with an "option", which makes me out to be the killjoy if I protest or decline. Some folks are *very* good at pulling the strings with others. And it's hard to always be on guard with a spouse, wondering if they are trying to manipulate you.


@jld you going to Europe ,or Asia with your kids, because Dug can't get away from work; is a totally different situation than this. You aren't leaving him at home. You aren't going off with girlfriends. You're going with family because he *can't* leave work to share it with you. It's disappointing, sure, but it's not the same emotionally as a spouse putting you in second place on a landmark anniversary.
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post #216 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:01 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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You are probably about to tell me I'm controlling,insecure and jealous.
But I'm not.
No, it's okay. Be controlling, insecure and jealous. That's part of the human condition; especially when you're in love.

These perfectly normal emotions have been demonized by those who would like to get away with murder; they commit their atrocious behaviors---then if you object, they weaponize your emotions against you: "You're just jealous", "you only act like that because you're so insecure", "don't try to control me".


Own your jealousy, insecurity and controlling tendencies. Other than true nutters; most people have an acceptable, normal level of these feelings.
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post #217 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I wonder if the revised date was the original after all, she had no intention of going on the anniv., and she was just messing with him to gauge his reaction.

Now, she looks like the magnanimous one.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #218 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Wow talk about a **** test for you WOM!!
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post #219 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Maybe she knows you well enough to read between the lines of your inner turmoil even though you weren't straight with her and acted accordingly, adjusting the dates. I'm puzzled how it then slipped her mind to tell you. And 'Phew!' that you talked to her.

The cynic in me feels the dynamic between you is a constant set-up ...with both of you contributing.

The hopeful wonders if she realized she'd messed up in her own (albeit selfish) excitement and gave pause to realize what she was doing, then genuinely forgot to update you.

Will you now plan your special anniversary together?

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post #220 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Sounds like a massive **** test. Is she always trying to press your buttons?
I wondered this too.

In fairness, if he'd said 'No that's not okay.' maybe it would bring things to surface quicker (regardless of outcome).


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post #221 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 07:04 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I think it's very rude that she changed the dates and didn't tell you. That's really really ridiculous. She knows it was important to you!!!!!!!!! She knows this would have made you happy to hear this. Why didn't she tell you as soon as she knows? She doesn't even think of you or your feelings?

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post #222 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Tell her exactly how you feel.

If my husband did that, I would have been terribly hurt. As in, I could not have spoken to him hurt, at least not right away.

This matters to you. Maybe after you two talk, you will see it differently. But right now it clearly hurts. And she should know that.
After almost 25 yers together, she knows it hurt OP. She actually said she knows it's important to him. She made to where he would be a jerk about instead of telling the friend that their anniversary falls during that time an saying no.
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post #223 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So I said this to her this morning. Well mostly anyway.....not word for word. Her response? "Oh, I already changed the dates so I would be home for our anniversary. I guess I forgot to tell you, but I told her I had to be home before then." She says that after we talked on Sunday she was bothered about the dates so she texted her friend right back saying she had to be back by the 29th. But she never got back to me to let me know. So ya, communication is definitely an issue.
I think, I would have told my wife she should have kept the dates, I already made plans sense you informed me you would be gone.
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post #224 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I'm glad that worked out for you and your wife made the right decision. Just be honest and transparent, it does not mean you are less of a man. Tell her I am glad you decided to be around on our anniversary, its a special day for us both.
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post #225 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-26-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I'm glad that worked out for you and your wife made the right decision. Just be honest and transparent, it does not mean you are less of a man. Tell her I am glad you decided to be around on our anniversary, its a special day for us both.
Did she? Or was it the sarcasm in his voice that tipped her off. Needless to say when she did change her plans, she let WOM stew on it for a few days until he brought it up himself.
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