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post #16 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Dude, it is effed up she wants to take a trip with her friend over your 25th anniversary. I'm with you. There is nothing good that is coming of this because the damage is already done. It's not that you want her to stay, it's that you want her to want to stay. To not even consider it. To want to be with you on this milestone. I am bothered for you and I haven't made it to a 5th anniversary yet...

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post #17 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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We've talked about it a little but we hadn't made a concrete plan. She's been talking about the trip with her friend for a while too. I'm 100% on board with her going to Hawaii. It's a good deal and she deserves to get away once in a while. It's just a matter of the timing and priorities for me.
Her friend lives in Hawaii? Has a condo there, right? Her friend only has that week available due to work or other travel? But, it is not like your wife can't go to Hawaii maybe next year or the next time her friend is available. Her opportunity to go on a trip to see a friend even in a fabulous location does not compare to a milestone anniversary.

25th anniversary is a once in a lifetime event and is not achieved by the majority of married couples considering the rate of divorce. I would be extremely hurt to have my spouse suggest we spend it apart no matter how great of a trip he had the chance to go on without me!
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post #18 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

You should speak to your wife about so that she knows your feelings. Don't hide them. Another thing is to compromise.

Why don't you go to Hawaii as well. You can rent a nice place and then she and you can be together your your anniversary. She can then also spend some days with her friend.

Don't do the passive aggressive maneuver of going dark.

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post #19 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
Dude, it is effed up she wants to take a trip with her friend over your 25th anniversary. I'm with you. There is nothing good that is coming of this because the damage is already done. It's not that you want her to stay, it's that you want her to want to stay. To not even consider it. To want to be with you on this milestone. I am bothered for you and I haven't made it to a 5th anniversary yet...
The bolded is true.

But . . . she may just be clueless as to how much this hurts WOM.

Gosh, my husband does clueless stuff all the time. But all the other things that he does right balance it out. Most of the time.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #20 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

So, she asked if you were okay with it and you lied and said you were. Because you wanted her to read your mind, regardless of what you actually said. I mean, if she really loved you, she'd just know, right?


Do you and your wife always have communication issues? Is there a reason you aren't willing to be honest about your wants and needs with her? Why would you expect her to read your mind when you're lying to her about your desires?

Yes, her wanting to be away on your anniversary is likely very hurtful, and I can see why you wouldn't be okay with it and would be angry at even the suggestion. But you should have been honest with her from the start. The fact is, you are not okay with her missing your anniversary. Tell her that. Sure, ideally our partners would always make the choices we wish they would. But when they don't, it does no good for us to lie and say we're okay with it when we're not. So stop asking your wife to be a mind reader. Stop being passive-aggressive. Start being honest and effectively communicating with her. Get a good MC involved if necessary. No couple who's been together 25 years should have this much trouble being honest with one another.

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post #21 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Abc123wife View Post
Her friend lives in Hawaii? Has a condo there, right? Her friend only has that week available due to work or other travel? But, it is not like your wife can't go to Hawaii maybe next year or the next time her friend is available. Her opportunity to go on a trip to see a friend even in a fabulous location does not compare to a milestone anniversary.



25th anniversary is a once in a lifetime event and is not achieved by the majority of married couples considering the rate of divorce. I would be extremely hurt to have my spouse suggest we spend it apart no matter how great of a trip he had the chance to go on without me!


Actually our friend lives here. We're both friends with her and her husband and family. We do stuff together fairly often. They bought this condo as a vacation property and they travel their (together and separately) often. Retired airline employees so it's easy for them to go back and forth.


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post #22 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by meson View Post
You should speak to your wife about so that she knows your feelings. Don't hide them. Another thing is to compromise.

Why don't you go to Hawaii as well. You can rent a nice place and then she and you can be together your your anniversary. She can then also spend some days with her friend.

Don't do the passive aggressive maneuver of going dark.


The point of the trip is to get some alone time away from husbands and kids. I have no issue with this.


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post #23 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So, she asked if you were okay with it and you lied and said you were. Because you wanted her to read your mind, regardless of what you actually said. I mean, if she really loved you, she'd just know, right?
This ignores the point that he wants his wife to not want to go for her. Clearly this isn't important to her like it is to him, so, why bother saying anything. Nothing he can say to her changes the fact that she thought it was ok to go.
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post #24 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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This ignores the point that he wants his wife to not want to go for her. Clearly this isn't important to her like it is to him, so, why bother saying anything. Nothing he can say to her changes the fact that she thought it was ok to go.
I agree with this. And the way I read it she didn't ask, she told him she was going.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #25 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Last weekend we had a nice little getaway. We took a couple ferries and went to the San Juan islands to a bed and breakfast, toured around on the motorcycle and had a great time. Just a Mother's Day weekend trip. When we got back, I had to run an errand. While I was gone I received a text from my wife. My wife has been wanting to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend who recently bought a condo there. I'm fine with that. She's gone on a separate vacation several times over the years and I don't have an issue with that. I do my own thing sometimes too.

Anyway, this text said that her friend can only get away from the 25th of August to September 2nd. So, she's going to Hawaii. Our 25th anniversary is on the 29th. I'm not exactly happy about this. She asked me if I minded, which I felt was her way of shifting the issue to me rather than owning her decision to skip this milestone of ours. I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.

I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.

25th is a huge milestone. For me, if my W approached me with this, I would believe the trip to HI is much more exciting than the 25th. But, being it is the 25th year most have made some kind of plan. Renew vows. Trip or cruise. My W and I are planning. We hit 23 years and are planning our 25th. Did you plan anything? Perhaps you W thinks you see it as just another anniversary. Nothing planned.

Did you plan anything for this momentous occasion? If not, why not?


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post #26 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
The point of the trip is to get some alone time away from husbands and kids. I have no issue with this.


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Does her friend know your anniversary is during that week?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #27 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I wouldn't be 'vulnerable', I'd be freaking pissed. And he'd have gotten an earful about the fact he would even CONSIDER doing a trip like that over our anniversary. And I would be QUITE clear that he'd ruined our anniversary by even considering this trip and that I highly doubt that he could ever make it up to me because I am totally pissed off about it.

Then I'd see if he tried to do anything to make it up to me or not, and if he did, what, and after a while I might forgive him

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post #28 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I wouldn't be 'vulnerable', I'd be freaking pissed. And he'd have gotten an earful about the fact he would even CONSIDER doing a trip like that over our anniversary. And I would be QUITE clear that he'd ruined our anniversary by even considering this trip and that I highly doubt that he could ever make it up to me because I am totally pissed off about it.

Then I'd see if he tried to do anything to make it up to me or not, and if he did, what, and after a while I might forgive him
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post #29 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Also, is your wife not one to do much for birthdays, anniversaries, etc.? Does she not expect you to do much for her birthday, for example?

People like this often do not understand why it is important to other people to make those occasions memorable. To them it is no big deal, and they just expect it is not a big deal to other people, either.

And if you are not like that, but are married to someone who is, it can be hard, and also embarrassing, to explain why it is a big deal to you. But you do have to explain it if you want to avoid or resolve resentment. IME.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #30 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
I wouldn't be 'vulnerable', I'd be freaking pissed. And he'd have gotten an earful about the fact he would even CONSIDER doing a trip like that over our anniversary. And I would be QUITE clear that he'd ruined our anniversary by even considering this trip and that I highly doubt that he could ever make it up to me because I am totally pissed off about it.

Then I'd see if he tried to do anything to make it up to me or not, and if he did, what, and after a while I might forgive him
At least you would be saying something. WOM was considering "going dark."

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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