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post #31 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Actually our friend lives here. We're both friends with her and her husband and family. We do stuff together fairly often. They bought this condo as a vacation property and they travel their (together and separately) often. Retired airline employees so it's easy for them to go back and forth.
If these are good friends, why not approach them and ask if just your wife and you go use their condo for the week of your 25th Anniversary? That would be a wonderful gift to you and your wife. Your wife can plan some other week at a later time to get together with her friend. She can't ever go back and undo abandoning her husband on this big milestone anniversary. You already have resentment (for good reason), and she will feel guilt once all the congratulations start rolling in on the big anniversary date as she sits having a grand time with her friend in a romantic location perfect for the celebration of a 25th anniversary. Too bad the only thing missing will be her husband!

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post #32 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

It's hard not to read into this, its hard to not feel sad about it, but it is even harder as a man to not say anything, but instead plicate the situation with passive aggressive behavior even in subtle ways. That said my bigger concern beyond this trip is not that she is not thinking about you, because let's face it she is not, she is thinking about laying on the beach with her friend sipping Mai Tai...and that is okay...but it does say something about how she values your anniversary....its not your birthday, its not her birthday...its the day you both became a couple....and what she wants is to celebrate her individualism through relaxation....sure you can say something but like you noted and others here, you become the bad guy. there is no right answer where she will not be happy....so what are your options...you can stay behind and sulk....you can be bitter and angry...or you can plan a trip at the same time for yourself or with a friend, not the friend's husband....but plan a trip and when she asks when do you want to celebrate your 25th, tell her let's just skip it this year.....with no anger, no passive aggressive behavior....tell her that since she is planning on going during that time that you as well are planing a trip and leave it at that..
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post #33 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I think if I remember correctly, you guy are not that tight for money are you, WOM? If not, then your wife can conceivably go to Hawaii or other girls trip at another time because it isn't like you wouldn't be able to afford it without the friend's great condo deal, right? For that reason, I don't see why her going on that week when her friend can get away is so important. Since there are other options with your wife's time and money, it seems like yeah it's a good deal but not worth missing a celebration on your 25th together.

But since she already made that choice, even if she changes plans now, I can see why you'd be bummed out about her choice.

I think you should just tell her the truth and that it is really bothering you. Let her decide to change plans or not, but at least say it. Sounds like maybe you two need to talk about more than just this.

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post #34 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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At least you would be saying something. WOM was considering "going dark."
'At least' ???? Wow.

Freaking out has it's place. So does going dark. Neither should be the default position though. This would be too big of a deal to me to go dark.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #35 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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'At least' ???? Wow.

Freaking out has it's place. So does going dark. Neither should be the default position though. This would be too big of a deal to me to go dark.
Blowing up at someone can shut them down. That is the risk.

Being vulnerable, though, by sharing your feelings openly and honestly, without attacking the other person, can also get communication going, but in a less threatening way.

You really have to know your partner and what approach will work best with him or her. Or just do whatever comes naturally and be prepared to accept the consequences.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #36 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

We spent our 25th in Hawaii. It was my husband's favorite place to vacation and although I would have preferred to mark that milestone somewhere else (I'm not a beach person) I went along with his plans with a smile on my face because I knew that would make him happy. And I knew that some other time I could go where I actually preferred going. The idea that your wife would even consider being gone on that anniversary is ridiculous IMO. Hawaii isn't going anywhere. It will still be there some other time. Your 25th anniversary won't be. Tell her.
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post #37 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

You lied to yourself more than you lied to her.

Going dark would not only be childish, but directed at the wrong person.

Own your feelings and tell her the truth: it's your 25th anniversary and you want to spend it with her.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #38 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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You should speak to your wife about so that she knows your feelings. Don't hide them. Another thing is to compromise.

Why don't you go to Hawaii as well. You can rent a nice place and then she and you can be together your your anniversary. She can then also spend some days with her friend.

Don't do the passive aggressive maneuver of going dark.
I was going to say just see if you can go with her.
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post #39 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Actually our friend lives here. We're both friends with her and her husband and family. We do stuff together fairly often. They bought this condo as a vacation property and they travel their (together and separately) often. Retired airline employees so it's easy for them to go back and forth.


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Then it sounds like your friend's wife will go there again someday, and your wife can accompany her then.

The 25th anniversary happens only once.

Sorry your wife even entertained the idea of going away with her friend on her only 25th anniversary. Sounds like she doesn't value important markers like you do.

Is your marriage otherwise strong? Do you think she considered it because she thinks your marriage is strong and the anniversary is just one day in many?
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post #40 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Last weekend we had a nice little getaway. We took a couple ferries and went to the San Juan islands to a bed and breakfast, toured around on the motorcycle and had a great time. Just a Mother's Day weekend trip. When we got back, I had to run an errand. While I was gone I received a text from my wife. My wife has been wanting to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend who recently bought a condo there. I'm fine with that. She's gone on a separate vacation several times over the years and I don't have an issue with that. I do my own thing sometimes too.

Anyway, this text said that her friend can only get away from the 25th of August to September 2nd. So, she's going to Hawaii. Our 25th anniversary is on the 29th. I'm not exactly happy about this. She asked me if I minded, which I felt was her way of shifting the issue to me rather than owning her decision to skip this milestone of ours. I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.

I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.
Tough situation.

But, you need to let her know that this bothers you but that she is not allowed to change her plans (the damage is already done). Tell her that you're not sure what, if anything you might do about it.

You're not trying to "solve" the problem, you're just letting her know that there is one. You really don't have any solutions, but she should know how you feel.

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post #41 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I was going to say just see if you can go with her.
This doesn't exactly sound like a romantic 25th anniversary with the friend in tow. Especially if the women ditch him for some girl time on the beach .

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post #42 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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The friend is only available that week.

But who knows? Maybe if WOM speaks up now, she can talk to the friend and some other time could turn out to work. It is worth a try.
Its hard to believe that she has only one week free out of the whole year, and what is wrong with next year anyway?
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post #43 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Uh, no.

You had 24 Anniversaries before this one. And you will have 24 Anniversaries after.

Celebrate, before her trip, as she suggested.

Let her know that you love her on all the other days of the year, not just on your Anniversary.

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post #44 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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25th anniversary is a once in a lifetime event and is not achieved by the majority of married couples considering the rate of divorce. I would be extremely hurt to have my spouse suggest we spend it apart no matter how great of a trip he had the chance to go on without me!
^^This.

I would be devastated and beyond furious if my husband did this. The one thing I wouldn't do is keep quiet or pretend I was ok with it when I wasn't. I'm very vocal about my needs, lol. VERY vocal.
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post #45 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:39 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

It's not just, hey, I want to do this. It's, you want them to be excited for the 25th. Like, let's how a blowout! Crazy party and fly to some public place and have drunk sex in front of strangers type of blowout...prison sentence and a joint court appearance, where you please not guilty and renew your vows. I'm tearing up here...
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