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post #46 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
The problem for me is that if I say something, yes she'll cancel, but she'll cancel because it's a problem for me. So I get to be the jerk who took away her great trip because my feelings were hurt.
Working,

I don't know what your problems in your marriage are or may have been but this is a bunch of crap. Hawaii will be there until you are dreads and buried but you will only have one 25th Anniversary. It shows you were her priorities are.

This is a common issue. Men feel that if they do not totally cave to anything like this that they are controlling brutes. I didn't ask but if infidelity has had any place in your marriage it would compound the problem.

And by the way, if you read some of the books on marriage problems, it says these separate vacations are high up there after the workplace as the incubator places for inappropriate behavior.

So some sand and sum with her girlfriend is more important that this milestone with her husband. If I were you I'd tell her how you feel and not play any silly game by going dark and trying to hope she misses you. It may have the opposaite effect with your standing on her priority list right now

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post #47 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
Tough situation.

But, you need to let her know that this bothers you but that she is not allowed to change her plans (the damage is already done). Tell her that you're not sure what, if anything you might do about it.

You're not trying to "solve" the problem, you're just letting her know that there is one. You really don't have any solutions, but she should know how you feel.
With that approach, there is not going to be *any* happy anniversary celebration.

Go into the discussion with an open mind, WOM. She could surprise you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #48 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Actually our friend lives here. We're both friends with her and her husband and family. We do stuff together fairly often. They bought this condo as a vacation property and they travel their (together and separately) often. Retired airline employees so it's easy for them to go back and forth.


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Heck if she is retired and they go often surly there is another time your wife can go with her.

I would be livid and the H would sure hear about it.



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post #49 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
The problem for me is that if I say something, yes she'll cancel, but she'll cancel because it's a problem for me. So I get to be the jerk who took away her great trip because my feelings were hurt.
It wouldn't bother me in the least to let her know I'm pissed. I'm not a believer in separate vacations, but taking one during a special time like this is pretty egregious.

When my wife once asked me if she could take one of her vacation weeks with her friends on a cruise instead of with me, I also said that she can do what ever she liked, but ... I would prefer if she didn't. At the time we didn't get much time alone or together, why spend scarce time off with others? Maybe I'm old fashioned....


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post #50 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 09:19 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I think it's awful, and that she would even consider it means that the damage is already done.

Caveat: she is a genuinely clueless person with regards to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day etc. etc. Most women are kinda "into" that stuff----maybe she's the exception?

I'd go dark and be seething and resentful. But, that's "wrong" and "immature", so what do I know.

Nice to see a more vulnerable side of WOM.

If she goes; treat yourself to something GOOD.
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post #51 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.
This is you trying to be politically correct. It will never work. Be vulnerable to her my ass.

You might want to ask yourself why would someone want to ditch a spouse on an important date like this? I don't know you guys but I can't help but think she is either clueless or she disrespects you for some underlying reason. What's the real cause of this situation?

Dumping you on your 25th is offensive enough, but if it were me, I would feel much more offended at the root of why she would give herself permission to treat the marriage this way. Maybe you need a marriage counselor to spell it out to her.

As already pointed out, the damage has already been done and I'd make it clear to her that she has tainted the milestone and at this point the ruined anniversary is only a secondary casualty in the marriage.

If her friend knows your anniversary is on this date I would consider her an enemy to your marriage.
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post #52 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 10:16 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
I think it's awful, and that she would even consider it means that the damage is already done.

Caveat: she is a genuinely clueless person with regards to birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day etc. etc. Most women are kinda "into" that stuff----maybe she's the exception?

I'd go dark and be seething and resentful. But, that's "wrong" and "immature", so what do I know.

Nice to see a more vulnerable side of WOM.

If she goes; treat yourself to something GOOD.
I asked him the bolded earlier. He has not responded yet, but I think it could be a pretty important point here.

My husband is like that, just does not mind at all if no one remembers his birthday. He does anniversary stuff for me, but does not care a bit whether I make any special efforts toward him at all.

If I planned a special trip with a friend during our 25th anniversary date, I really do not think it would occur to him to be upset in any way. He would wish me well and just be happy I had the opportunity.

So if WOM's wife is like that, it might explain a lot, and feel less painful to him. People do not always operate from the same standards.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #53 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 04:40 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I just re-read the first post. What stands out to me is she waited until he left for an errand, then texted him about the trip. This says she knows it would not be ok with him as she preferred to not inform him face to face.

If my wife wanted to go on a trip with a friend without me on our 25th anniversary I would be pissed. Pissed that it was even a thought. All of a sudden, these milestones would mean nothing to me as well, and I would not be celebrating before or after.

OP, you should let her know how you feel. The damage may be done. If she turns it around and makes you the bad guy for ruining her trip, remind her that you just wanted to prevent your anniversary from being ruined. Unless you are ok with that.

But then again, my wife and I do not vacation separately, so that would bother me more.
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post #54 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:17 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I normally am very sentimental and nostalgic, have always been a deeply emotional guy, but for some reason I think the entire 25th. anniversary thing is taking on to much focus for you OP. Of coarse that's coming from a divorced guy who was only married for twenty years!

My feelings....you show love and respect for each other every day you are together, it doesn't matter if it's day 1 or day 9,125, and that's what's important. What are you going to do on your 25th. anniversary that's any big deal? You have no grand event planned, you have gone out to hundreds of dinners, done dozens upon dozens of short trips and long weekends. Your wife has always wanted to go to Hawaii, you should have planned it! But you didn't, but she has a chance to go and you are going to make her regret it if she does, you would rater she stay home with you so you can wake up in the morning and go "wow, 25 years! I love ya baby!" Then someone has to let the dogs out, someone starts coffee, someone gets the paper, someone has to run to the store....ditto..ditto...ditto....another day.

If you want to show your wife you love her and care about her happiness why not give her your blessing to enjoy her trip? Be selfless, it's a very attractive trait.
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post #55 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:35 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

This thread reminds me of the thread which was updated recently.A married couple,both teachers and the wife informed her husband she was spending spring break on vacation with some colleagues and twenty students.She gave him very short notice of this trip and what really pissed him off was it was an outdoor activities vacation,canoeing,rock climbing etc.This was despite her being unable to play in the garden with her own kids because of an injury.She insisted she couldn't get out of this trip under any circumstances.
He tool the advice of people on tam and booked a Disney trip for the same week and his neighbors daughter was coming as an au pair,she had babysat the kids for years.Well would you believe it all of a sudden his wife was able to cancel her school trip and accompany her family to Disney.How lucky was that!
The op in this thread should tell give his wife his blessing and tell her to have a blast in Hawaii and book a dream vacation for himself,Alaskan cruise springs to mind or maybe an African safari.Do not sit at home under any circumstances.

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post #56 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:01 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
I normally am very sentimental and nostalgic, have always been a deeply emotional guy, but for some reason I think the entire 25th. anniversary thing is taking on to much focus for you OP. Of coarse that's coming from a divorced guy who was only married for twenty years!

My feelings....you show love and respect for each other every day you are together, it doesn't matter if it's day 1 or day 9,125, and that's what's important. What are you going to do on your 25th. anniversary that's any big deal? You have no grand event planned, you have gone out to hundreds of dinners, done dozens upon dozens of short trips and long weekends. Your wife has always wanted to go to Hawaii, you should have planned it! But you didn't, but she has a chance to go and you are going to make her regret it if she does, you would rater she stay home with you so you can wake up in the morning and go "wow, 25 years! I love ya baby!" Then someone has to let the dogs out, someone starts coffee, someone gets the paper, someone has to run to the store....ditto..ditto...ditto....another day.
The bolded may indeed be how his wife sees it. That is why it is so important for them to communicate honestly and openly about this. It could really clear the air.

Quote:
If you want to show your wife you love her and care about her happiness why not give her your blessing to enjoy her trip? Be selfless, it's a very attractive trait.
Because it would need to come from his heart to feel meaningful to her, just like whatever she does for him needs to come from her heart to feel meaningful to him. That is my guess, anyway.

This post does raise a thought-provoking but possibly painful question: If she is not prioritizing this milestone, does the reason why have anything to do with the state of the relationship?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #57 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:12 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
This thread reminds me of the thread which was updated recently.A married couple,both teachers and the wife informed her husband she was spending spring break on vacation with some colleagues and twenty students.She gave him very short notice of this trip and what really pissed him off was it was an outdoor activities vacation,canoeing,rock climbing etc.This was despite her being unable to play in the garden with her own kids because of an injury.She insisted she couldn't get out of this trip under any circumstances.
He tool the advice of people on tam and booked a Disney trip for the same week and his neighbors daughter was coming as an au pair,she had babysat the kids for years.Well would you believe it all of a sudden his wife was able to cancel her school trip and accompany her family to Disney.How lucky was that!
The op in this thread should tell give his wife his blessing and tell her to have a blast in Hawaii and book a dream vacation for himself,Alaskan cruise springs to mind or maybe an African safari.Do not sit at home under any circumstances.
Andy, if they are indeed having difficulty in the relationship, and OP does anything that basically sends a big **** you! message to his wife, it is likely to make the fundamentals even worse. And then there will surely not be any genuinely happy anniversary celebration.

I know it is hard to take a step back and consider things from a non-reactive standpoint. And it can certainly feel helpful to blow off some steam first. But to really solve this problem, and begin to address whatever fundamentals may not be healthy, one of them is likely going to have to assume a leadership role.

That means temporarily setting aside their emotions and seeking to understand the viewpoint of the other person, very likely before explaining their own. And from there the idea would be to come up with a plan that both can be reasonably happy with.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #58 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:13 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
You lied to yourself more than you lied to her.

Going dark would not only be childish, but directed at the wrong person.

Own your feelings and tell her the truth: it's your 25th anniversary and you want to spend it with her.
Absolutely agree.

Kudos WOM, for admitting how you instinctively wanted to react and giving enough pause to consider there might be a different way to approach this.

Sometimes people can surprise us. Sometimes we can surprise ourselves. Give yourself the opportunity to try something different... in this case, as Satya suggested, tell her straight that you want to spend your 25th anniversary with her and the reason why that's important to you. Know what that is and share it with her.

Forget predicting or predetermining what her response might be or what happens after that.

I don't understand why she texted but I'd rather bring the focus on what you can do. Whether I'd feel the same or not about the anniversary is somewhat irrelevant. It's valid because you're feeling it.

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Last edited by heartsbeating; 05-17-2017 at 06:17 AM.
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post #59 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:26 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
We've talked about it a little but we hadn't made a concrete plan. She's been talking about the trip with her friend for a while too. I'm 100% on board with her going to Hawaii. It's a good deal and she deserves to get away once in a while. It's just a matter of the timing and priorities for me.
So, if there is room only for the two of them, why not book a holiday in Hawaii over that same week for you?

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post #60 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:29 AM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by Cooper View Post
I normally am very sentimental and nostalgic, have always been a deeply emotional guy, but for some reason I think the entire 25th. anniversary thing is taking on to much focus for you OP. Of coarse that's coming from a divorced guy who was only married for twenty years!

My feelings....you show love and respect for each other every day you are together, it doesn't matter if it's day 1 or day 9,125, and that's what's important. What are you going to do on your 25th. anniversary that's any big deal? You have no grand event planned, you have gone out to hundreds of dinners, done dozens upon dozens of short trips and long weekends. Your wife has always wanted to go to Hawaii, you should have planned it! But you didn't, but she has a chance to go and you are going to make her regret it if she does, you would rater she stay home with you so you can wake up in the morning and go "wow, 25 years! I love ya baby!" Then someone has to let the dogs out, someone starts coffee, someone gets the paper, someone has to run to the store....ditto..ditto...ditto....another day.

If you want to show your wife you love her and care about her happiness why not give her your blessing to enjoy her trip? Be selfless, it's a very attractive trait.
It's the Silver Wedding Anniversary! Half way to Gold, so, yes, it is a big deal for most couples!

Hawaii will not disappear, the condo will remain standing for several more years to come.

But there will be no Silver Wedding anniversary again. That's a once in a lifetime deal.

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