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post #91 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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It is not necessarily celebrated on the exact day, though, is it? I mean if you are having a big party with friends and extended family?
In most families that I know the silver anniversary is celebrated by the couple on the day it falls with dinner and then a big get together on the next Friday or Saturday night.

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post #92 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

The 25th was a very special Anniversary for me and the ex. So, I would have been uber disappointed. After the kids came, we only had sex once every five years and that was gonna be the day.

"Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see. There is an interest in that which is hidden and which the visible does not show us. This interest can take the form of a quite intense feeling, a sort of conflict, one might say, between the visible that is hidden and the visible that is present."
-- René Magritte
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post #93 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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In most families that I know the silver anniversary is celebrated by the couple on the day it falls with dinner and then a big get together on the next Friday or Saturday night.
Exactly.

Are you freaking kidding me jld that you actually think WOM's wife was being 'very respectful and considerate.'?????? Take whatever you like out of context, change whatever words in other people's posts you feel like, you cannot change the fact that she wants to take a trip without her husband on their 25th anniversary. And that he doesn't like it.

WOM's wife made a huge boo boo here. Talk about him being vulnerable and what he should have said and blah blah blah all you want - the fact remains that THE WOMAN SCREWED UP. ROYALLY.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #94 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Exactly.

Are you freaking kidding me jld that you actually think WOM's wife was being 'very respectful and considerate.'?????? Take whatever you like out of context, change whatever words in other people's posts you feel like, you cannot change the fact that she wants to take a trip without her husband on their 25th anniversary. And that he doesn't like it.

WOM's wife made a huge boo boo here. Talk about him being vulnerable and what he should have said and blah blah blah all you want - the fact remains that THE WOMAN SCREWED UP. ROYALLY.
Yes, I think it was respectful and considerate of her to text him immediately. And I am guessing she is a low emo gal overall.

WOM, how about answering the questions about whether or not she is sensitive about celebrations? That could give us a good eye view into her psyche on this.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #95 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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In most families that I know the silver anniversary is celebrated by the couple on the day it falls with dinner and then a big get together on the next Friday or Saturday night.
WOM, is this what you had planned?

Most couples I know have a celebration on the 40th or 50th with extended family and friends, but not necessarily on the exact date.

The 25th is usually done privately around here. I don't know about the exact day of the celebration, though. I am sure that is up to each couple.

And the main thing, at least to me, is that WOM and his wife come up with a solution they both can live with.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #96 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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What I was trying to say was one one hand you seem to think the op should happily stand back and watch his wife go on vacation on their once in a lifetime silver wedding anniversary,in other words be sensitive to her needs,while at the same time you seem to be saying that sensitivity in a man is a negative trait.
By the way you seem to spend a lot of time away from Dug.That wouldn't suit me at all.I don't know how you managed on your own.
No, I think he should talk to her openly and honestly about it, and be open to her feedback as well.

I do not think she is trying to hurt his feelings. I think she just operates out of a different mindset than he does.

I think they can work this out and find a solution they both can feel reasonably comfortable with. But it is going to take clear and direct communication.

Dug is often gone for work, it is true. He loves his work and I think it is very important to respect that, especially since he is the sole breadwinner.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #97 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Our, just us 2, big deal celebration (trip back to the church in England) likely won't be on the exact date but you can be sure we will be together on the exact date, and not with an ocean literally between us. We are not planning a big get together at any time.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #98 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Yes, I think it was respectful and considerate of her to text him immediately. And I am guessing she is a low emo gal overall.



WOM, how about answering the questions about whether or not she is sensitive about celebrations? That could give us a good eye view into her psyche on this.


Certain holidays are a really big deal to her. For example, Christmas. Anniversaries and birthdays are less important to her. She is happy to do whatever I have planned, but wouldn't ordinarily plan something on her own.


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post #99 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 01:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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WOM, is this what you had planned?



Most couples I know have a celebration on the 40th or 50th with extended family and friends, but not necessarily on the exact date.



The 25th is usually done privately around here. I don't know about the exact day of the celebration, though. I am sure that is up to each couple.



And the main thing, at least to me, is that WOM and his wife come up with a solution they both can live with.


To be fair, I would say that usually the large family gatherings are more for the 50th anniversary. The 25th around here tends to be more of a private celebration. We've always done it on the exact day. I had not yet planned anything and she certainly would not have planned anything for the day. Eventually I would have planned some kind of trip but we have not yet decided what it would be.


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post #100 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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No, I think he should talk to her openly and honestly about it, and be open to her feedback as well.

I do not think she is trying to hurt his feelings. I think she just operates out of a different mindset than he does.

I think they can work this out and find a solution they both can feel reasonably comfortable with. But it is going to take clear and direct communication.

Dug is often gone for work, it is true. He loves his work and I think it is very important to respect that, especially since he is the sole breadwinner.
To be honest I don't actually know anyone who reached their golden wedding anniversary so I couldn't comment on that but in my extended family a silver anniversary is cause for a big time celebration.If his wife is low emo as you seem to think I think her husband might have had an inkling after twenty five years of marriage plus however long they dated for.I don't think he would be this upset by her springing this trip on him if she had shown this low emo behaviour in the past.And as the op pointed out they allready had a weekend trip for Mother's Day so she is not averse to celebrating and being centre of attention.
I know it is part of your inner being to see the wife's side as the correct one in most cases but I think she is being totally unreasonable here and actually downright disrespectful of her husband of almost twenty five years.

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post #101 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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To be fair, I would say that usually the large family gatherings are more for the 50th anniversary. The 25th around here tends to be more of a private celebration. We've always done it on the exact day. I had not yet planned anything and she certainly would not have planned anything for the day. Eventually I would have planned some kind of trip but we have not yet decided what it would be.


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Yes, even the 40th is a relatively recent public celebration around here. It used to be just the 50th.

But as some people die before the 50th, the 40th became more popular.

It sounds like you are more the celebration planner of the two of you. Any chance she thought that if you had not mentioned anything for the 25th so far, she might have thought her going with her friend was not as much of an issue?

Again, just trying to understand what might be her pov here.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #102 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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To be honest I don't actually know anyone who reached their golden wedding anniversary so I couldn't comment on that but in my extended family a silver anniversary is cause for a big time celebration.If his wife is low emo as you seem to think I think her husband might have had an inkling after twenty five years of marriage plus however long they dated for.I don't think he would be this upset by her springing this trip on him if she had shown this low emo behaviour in the past.And as the op pointed out they allready had a weekend trip for Mother's Day so she is not averse to celebrating and being centre of attention.
I know it is part of your inner being to see the wife's side as the correct one in most cases but I think she is being totally unreasonable here and actually downright disrespectful of her husband of almost twenty five years.
He said she doesn't make a very big deal about birthdays and anniversaries, so it sounds to me like she's on the lower emo end of the spectrum.

And I don't think it's unusual for people on the higher end and people on the lower end to be married to each other. Opposites often attract. It is probably a complementary union.

It is not about the woman being "correct." It's that when you can get into her head and understand why she's doing what she has done that has upset you, you are more likely to be able to resolve the issue and avoid it in the future.

Somebody has to be the leader in conflict resolution, Andy. And since we usually only have one partner in a couple here to talk to, that person is usually it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #103 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I know it is part of your inner being to see the wife's side as the correct one in most cases but I think she is being totally unreasonable here and actually downright disrespectful of her husband of almost twenty five years.


Give it up though, andy. You're fighting a losing battle. Anyone who thinks this woman is actually being respectful here isn't going to listen to you or I.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #104 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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We've always done it on the exact day. I had not yet planned anything and she certainly would not have planned anything for the day.
Thank you, this is all I needed. I do not need to bicker or argue in circles. You've celebrated together for 24 years so, there is no excuse to suddenly think 25 should be any different or not hurtful. Don't go the passive aggressive route, but I'd let her know. If she chooses to cancel, oh well. It isn't like you did something new or out of the ordinary. Especially, since she has her "special" days she likes to celebrate. It is hypocritical to like certain days and then fly the excuse of "well it is a birthday or an anniversary so, I don't get to care." It's called empathy. She respects the days he likes, he respects hers.
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post #105 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 02:32 PM
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So, not sure if its been said, but for some, the 25th wedding anniversary is a big deal. It appears to be a BIG deal for WOM. However, this BIG deal is like 3 months away and yet there hadn't been any kind of discussion as to what the plan would be, ideas tossed around, etc.?

Many who consider milestones like this a BIG deal start discussing and even planning typically a year out or six months out at the least. However, again this possible conflict is in conflict with an absent plan? WOM has admitted that anniversaries aren't that big a deal for wife and WOM says nothing happens unless he plans. So, wife maybe thought that it was not a BIG deal given the planner hasnt made a plan or discussed a plan(their 25 yr dynamic).

Maybe we give her a break. She asked a question given an opportunity that she's drooled over for some time. She asked "the planner" before out right deciding. She gave him the opportunity to say, "hey, me, the planner, has already made plans for our anniversary and then it would have been settled. But WOM, the planner, said nothing and got super upset instead.

IDK, poor wife was thrown to the wolves but her actions in this speaks to me as "their dynamic" or there is a deeper issue going on.
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