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post #106 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So, not sure if its been said, but for some, the 25th wedding anniversary is a big deal. It appears to be a BIG deal for WOM. However, this BIG deal is like 3 months away and yet there hadn't been any kind of discussion as to what the plan would be, ideas tossed around, etc.?

Many who consider milestones like this a BIG deal start discussing and even planning typically a year out or six months out at the least. However, again this possible conflict is in conflict with an absent plan? WOM has admitted that anniversaries aren't that big a deal for wife and WOM says nothing happens unless he plans. So, wife maybe thought that it was not a BIG deal given the planner hasnt made a plan or discussed a plan(their 25 yr dynamic).

Maybe we give her a break. She asked a question given an opportunity that she's drooled over for some time. She asked "the planner" before out right deciding. She gave him the opportunity to say, "hey, me, the planner, has already made plans for our anniversary and then it would have been settled. But WOM, the planner, said nothing and got super upset instead.

IDK, poor wife was thrown to the wolves but her actions in this speaks to me as "their dynamic" or there is a deeper issue going on.
Some do, Some do not.

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post #107 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Not to worry. Just tell her "Don't feel bad honey. We'll celebrate together on our next 25th anniversary. Unless of course you're busy that day."

Yeah, and good luck getting there.
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post #108 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

There's ALWAYS a deeper issue going on. That doesn't mean she should just throw their anniversary under the bus. All the more reason NOT to do so.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #109 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I would question her as to why she does not have even a modicum of sentiment over a major milestone. If this is her attitude to the marriage and to you frankly, then there is very little marriage there. I'm sorry but this calls for a confrontation. Hawaii would be wonderful, in fact, I'd get hold of her friend and ask if you could use the property the day after your wife and her leave. You will be entertaining some new girls there. Your wife can have a good look at her replacement.

A really big example, for our 25th we took our first cruise. For our 40th next year, we are renting an apartment in Paris for a week and another in Tuscany for the next week. That is how married people celebrate milestone anniversaries, not flying off to Hawaii with a girlfriend while leaving hubby at home. If she even wants a marriage, this should be written in SHARPIE on her forehead: Anniversaries are FU**ing important. Little getaways ARE NOT!!!!!
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post #110 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Not blowing my marriage up over this or bringing a new girl into the picture.

I really think she just didn't think it was a big deal. She figured we'd celebrate before or after. She does know it's s big deal to me. She said as much. She wants to go and not have me make her feel bad. I think on the actual day she's going to feel really bad being away.


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post #111 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

LOL. At least make it a poker night or sports weekend with the fellas. This entire passive aggressive suggestion of pay her female only trip back, by going with a female friend is weird as hell. I don't know why you are suggesting he should do this in the first place anniversary or not.
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post #112 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

So are you going to say anything to her? She's going anyway?

I hope you don't regret not telling her how you really feel. If she chooses to resent you for it then that's her problem. If she keeps throwing it in your face or something, you need to educate her that that is not acceptable. This has been a HUGE issue in our marriage. But it's just my husband that does it - it sounds like both you and her do it to some degree.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #113 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Not blowing my marriage up over this or bringing a new girl into the picture.

I really think she just didn't think it was a big deal. She figured we'd celebrate before or after. She does know it's s big deal to me. She said as much. She wants to go and not have me make her feel bad. I think on the actual day she's going to feel really bad being away.


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Have you discussed your feelings with her? Why didnt you tell her no? Why not join her on your anniversary? You're the one who plans. So make plans to be there with her.

Why haven't you talked to her? Is there a deeper issue? This compounds it?
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post #114 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I would question her as to why she does not have even a modicum of sentiment over a major milestone. If this is her attitude to the marriage and to you frankly, then there is very little marriage there. I'm sorry but this calls for a confrontation. Hawaii would be wonderful, in fact, I'd get hold of her friend and ask if you could use the property the day after your wife and her leave. You will be entertaining some new girls there. Your wife can have a good look at her replacement.

A really big example, for our 25th we took our first cruise. For our 40th next year, we are renting an apartment in Paris for a week and another in Tuscany for the next week. That is how married people celebrate milestone anniversaries, not flying off to Hawaii with a girlfriend while leaving hubby at home. If she even wants a marriage, this should be written in SHARPIE on her forehead: Anniversaries are FU**ing important. Little getaways ARE NOT!!!!!
If I was the op and finances permitted I wouldn't mention her soirée to Hawaii again just tell her to have fun.I would meet her at the airport but I would be going on a vacation myself,maybe Hawaii but preferably London or maybe Amsterdam or even Thailand sounds good.
Just for the scenery of course.
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post #115 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So are you going to say anything to her? She's going anyway?



I hope you don't regret not telling her how you really feel. If she chooses to resent you for it then that's her problem. If she keeps throwing it in your face or something, you need to educate her that that is not acceptable. This has been a HUGE issue in our marriage. But it's just my husband that does it - it sounds like both you and her do it to some degree.


I'm trying to decide what to say to her. I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.


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post #116 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Not blowing my marriage up over this or bringing a new girl into the picture.

I really think she just didn't think it was a big deal. She figured we'd celebrate before or after. She does know it's s big deal to me. She said as much. She wants to go and not have me make her feel bad. I think on the actual day she's going to feel really bad being away.


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So she wants to do EXACTLY what she intended to do in the first place with the added attraction of YOU feeling guilty for making her feel bad.So where is the compromise dude.
This is ****ed up on so many levels.
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post #117 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.
That would normally bother me too. However, my wife doesn't remember when our anniversary comes around. I remember, but I don't say anything because I already realize that she's simply not romantic about those types of things. If your wife travels with her friends during your 25th wedding anniversary, would that be typical of her?
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post #118 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I'm trying to decide what to say to her. I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.
There is a third choice you know. You can decide to not allow her to make you the bad guy. Because that's what you're doing - you're ALLOWING it.

I had this EXACT same conversation with hubby the other day. Not about a trip to hawaii but about whether he was coming in to the hot tub with me. I asked him if he was coming with me. He didn't say anything but immediately dropped what he was doing and got up and came with me. We got in the hot tub and he was all agitated. I asked him why and he said "Cuz YOU MADE ME stop what I was doing and come with you." I'm like WTF??? I asked you a bloody question, dude. You chose not to answer it but instead to drop what you were doing and come with me, and now you're making it out that I MADE you do it?!?!? Screw that. And I laid my head back, enjoyed my buzz and relaxed in the hot tub. After about 5 minutes he told me I was right and that was the end of THAT nonsense.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #119 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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She does know it's s big deal to me. She said as much. She wants to go and not have me make her feel bad.

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Awwwww. The poor widdle boo-boo. You big meanie.
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post #120 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Not blowing my marriage up over this or bringing a new girl into the picture.

I really think she just didn't think it was a big deal. She figured we'd celebrate before or after. She does know it's s big deal to me. She said as much. She wants to go and not have me make her feel bad. I think on the actual day she's going to feel really bad being away.


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She cares more about her girlfriend than she does you or the marriage. This is what her actions say. And if her girlfriend were a quality person, she would not be asking your wife to be away from you on such an important milestone.

Grab your cards and hit Vegas. Spend tons and have fun. To hell with her.
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