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post #121 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
I'm trying to decide what to say to her. I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.


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So you lied to her.....

Weak.

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post #122 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Working......I'm sorry but you pussied out, you placated her completely...when she tells you to celebrate on before or after you should have said neither....and just walked away not angry or upset....and if she says why....if it's not important to you it's not important to me....and move on...instead you wimped. Shame on you
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post #123 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:35 PM
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I don't think OPs wife was"respectful". Respectful would have been telling him about the opportunity to go away with her friend and discussing together whether she should accept the opportunity or not. From the OP, it sounds like she texted him to TELL him she was going, and threw in the --do you mind. There's a world of difference between the two.
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post #124 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Personally sir you are making excuses for your wife who appears to be selfish and frankly a total c**t. Most people would love dearly to have a getaway with their husband. I dare say that while the cat (you) is back home, the mice will play in Hawaii. Tell her that she will just have to feel bad that Hawaii sunk into the Pacific, and no longer exists. She expects you to let her get away, and f88k you for wanting to celebrate your 25th anniversary. I suggest that you go out on your 25th with someone other than her. Tell her in advance that you do want to go out for your anniversary and are looking for a date.
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post #125 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Personally sir you are making excuses for your wife who appears to be selfish and frankly a total c**t. Most people would love dearly to have a getaway with their husband. I dare say that while the cat (you) is back home, the mice will play in Hawaii. Tell her that she will just have to feel bad that Hawaii sunk into the Pacific, and no longer exists. She expects you to let her get away, and f88k you for wanting to celebrate your 25th anniversary. I suggest that you go out on your 25th with someone other than her. Tell her in advance that you do want to go out for your anniversary and are looking for a date.
I definitely get the impression that some people can't comprehend our lifestyle. Look, I may not be happy with my wife right now, but that doesn't mean I'm cool with you coming on my thread and calling her a ****. As far as dearly loving to have a getaway with me, maybe I've spoiled her too much....but we do a lot of traveling together. I went to Hawaii on business myself in February, Reno in March so traveling apart isn't unprecedented either. . We have extremely busy lives which is the only reason I hadn't planned something already. I'm trying to fit in a Mt. Rainier climb at the end of July (with friends, not her) and a multi day bicycle trip (with her) to Vancouver Island in mid/early August.

And I have no reservations about her faithfulness while she's away. The woman she's going with is like June Cleaver and that's just not how my wife rolls. I know, I've said the opposite to many posters here over the years and I'm not naive enough to think it can't happen. It's just remote enough a chance that it's not really on my radar.

Last edited by WorkingOnMe; 05-17-2017 at 06:13 PM.
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post #126 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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So you lied to her.....

Weak.
This is true. At the time I thought there was enough sarcasm in my voice to be clear I wasn't cool with it, but people here what they want to here. And ya, I lied to not look like a controlling jerk. You may have noticed that I can come off a little blunt if I don't actively keep myself in check.
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post #127 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.
She told you that "she knows that it's important to" you, but she is pushing through with the trip anyways because at the end of the day she does not care. You telling her that "it's only important to me if it is to her", is you clearly telling her that if does not matter to her, then there is no point in pretending that your marriage anniversary matters. State this to her using similar words to what I just said so that she cannot later falsely claim that she does not understand this. If she goes anyways, you now know exactly where you stand. It is what it is. That is the condition of your marriage and how she feels about you. You cannot make her care.

All time shares allow you to change dates for a fee. If you do not care if it is the same exact condo (it is shared with dozens of other people anyways), but just a similar one, you will have a lot of date options. Offer to pay the change fee and ask them to change the date accordingly. This offer will make it even clearer that it is important to you enough to pay a fee, and give her the chance to do the right thing. If she does not, then it is on her.

I could not imagine my wife not wanting to be with me on such an important anniversary, but if she did not, I would not want to celebrate this or any other anniversary with her, as anniversaries are only important if both value it. When the anniversary comes around, I would not respond, comment, or like anything posted by anyone (including her) about it on social media, or sent to you directly. Do not let her fake importance by phone or text on that day; have minimum text and no phone contact with her that day, as you should agree with her that it is not important and just another day.
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post #128 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I don't have enough info to make a judgement here....like is money tight and this is an almost free vacay....do you guys almost never travel exotic places like this...like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity....scheduling a rental property is no easy task and dates often aren't easily available esp. if this is a freebie...If those things are true I would have zero problem with it. We would celebrate before or after...no big deal. In this house we celebrate everything but it's often never on the exact date...careers and life make this so...but that's the way we roll here and are used to that. Everyone is different I guess.

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post #129 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:46 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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She wants to go and not have me make her feel bad. I think on the actual day she's going to feel really bad being away.
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So she should feel bad being away. Reaching your 25th wedding anniversary is a VERY BIG DEAL in this day and age. HUGE. Your spouse's wishes should come before everyone elses. You should be her number 1, you're her husband for god sake. Hawaii will be there next year for a girl's trip.

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
I'm trying to decide what to say to her. I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.
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Tell her exactly what's in the bold. And if you're the bad guy, then so am I - I would be absolutely devo and furious in your shoes. If my husband put this scenario to me I would go OFF. My response would be something like "Are you freaking kidding me? How is this even a question???".
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post #130 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
So you lied to her.....

Weak.
The OP telling her that “it's only important to me if it is to her” is not a lie as this is how he truly feels. The truth is that if she does not think that celebrating it with him is important, and she would rather be doing something else, then forcing her to stay for a false celebration is pointless. The OP recognizes this reality and rightfully does not like it.

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post #131 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
This is true. At the time I thought there was enough sarcasm in my voice to be clear I wasn't cool with it, but people here what they want to here. And ya, I lied to not look like a controlling jerk. You may have noticed that I can come off a little blunt if I don't actively keep myself in check.
This passive aggressiveness is not going to help you, WOM. Clear, direct communication would be more effective.

Did you tell her directly that you think she will feel bad if she is away on the day of your anniversary? What did she say to that?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #132 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 09:52 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

We have rendered numerous opinions on what the OP should have done in the original exchange between him and his wife. He can't go back in time to do this so I would like to see some more constructive advise on what to do from here on out. Where does the OP go from here?

I think the OP would do well to examine his true feelings on the subject and make himself fully cognizant of what he really thinks and feels about the issue. I tend to sometimes not be very self aware of my deep feelings on some issues, especially when someone blindsides me like the OP's wife did him, so I imagine I'm not the only person who sometimes needs a little time and space to form a conclusion.

Once the OP is confident on his stance on the issue I suggest he sit down with the wife and spell it out to her. It's easy to assign malignant intent to a thoughtless spouse, but sometimes such a spouse is just simply thoughtless in a given situation.

Maybe he should suggest to her that they take advantage of the opportunity to strengthen the marriage by assigning more meaning to the anniversary? Anyone got any ideas?
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post #133 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

At least you know where her priorities are.

I'm sorry I just don't get people like you who just take this stuff that causes you pain. I bet the reason why she does it is because you have a clear history of not saying how it makes you feel.

I would think most people me included would say, "um hell no you not going on vacation on or 25th wedding anniversary I really don't care if you meet the Queen of England, and what is wrong with you to think that this is a good idea!, you have made it very clear where your priorities lie."

I don't get it. You can't have a good marriage without being honest, it just breads resentment, but I suspect this has been a pattern your whole relationship. Being honest and truthful about how you feel should be stated from day one. Why are you afraid of your wife?

Again I just don't get it.
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post #134 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:10 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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This doesn't exactly sound like a romantic 25th anniversary with the friend in tow. Especially if the women ditch him for some girl time on the beach .
I agree , but it's going to be a lot less romantic with an ocean between them, or the divorce court isle if he can't get over her insensitivity. I won't even get into the passive aggressive potential of her ruining their anniversary so he'll ruin her vacation ,or at least enjoy himself in Hawaii. It's a crappy solution to a crappier problem.
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post #135 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I'm trying to decide what to say to her. I resent that I have to choose between being the bad guy or burying my feelings. She told me she knows it's important to me. I told her it's only important to me if it is to her. Then she said we can celebrate before or after.


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YOUR NOT A BAD GUY TO EXPECT YOUR WIFE TO WANT TO SPEND HER 25 WEDDING ANNIVERSARY WITH YOU!!!! How much has she browbeaten you down to get you to the point that you feel that way! Something is SO wrong that you feel guilty about this. I mean very wrong! Go ask 100 people how they would feel if their spouse told them they would rather go on vacation with their girlfriend then be with their husband on their 25th wedding anniversary, and 99 people would tell you how awful that was, and she must not really care too much about the marriage to just let it slide by. The 1 person who be fine with it would be your wife.
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