25th anniversary separate trip - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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25th anniversary separate trip

Last weekend we had a nice little getaway. We took a couple ferries and went to the San Juan islands to a bed and breakfast, toured around on the motorcycle and had a great time. Just a Mother's Day weekend trip. When we got back, I had to run an errand. While I was gone I received a text from my wife. My wife has been wanting to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend who recently bought a condo there. I'm fine with that. She's gone on a separate vacation several times over the years and I don't have an issue with that. I do my own thing sometimes too.

Anyway, this text said that her friend can only get away from the 25th of August to September 2nd. So, she's going to Hawaii. Our 25th anniversary is on the 29th. I'm not exactly happy about this. She asked me if I minded, which I felt was her way of shifting the issue to me rather than owning her decision to skip this milestone of ours. I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.

I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.

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post #2 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Last weekend we had a nice little getaway. We took a couple ferries and went to the San Juan islands to a bed and breakfast, toured around on the motorcycle and had a great time. Just a Mother's Day weekend trip. When we got back, I had to run an errand. While I was gone I received a text from my wife. My wife has been wanting to go to Hawaii with her girlfriend who recently bought a condo there. I'm fine with that. She's gone on a separate vacation several times over the years and I don't have an issue with that. I do my own thing sometimes too.

Anyway, this text said that her friend can only get away from the 25th of August to September 2nd. So, she's going to Hawaii. Our 25th anniversary is on the 29th. I'm not exactly happy about this. She asked me if I minded, which I felt was her way of shifting the issue to me rather than owning her decision to skip this milestone of ours. I basically said she can do whatever she wants. She tried to say she knows it's important to me and that we can celebrate before or after her trip. I said it's only important to me to the extent it's important to her and if she want's to go she can.

I have to say, I've been preoccupied since that conversation with passive aggressive thoughts. Like going dark once she leaves. Like ignoring the inevitable FB posts about 25 years blah blah blah. Like maybe booking my own trip while she's gone and just disappearing for a while. I don't know, is the 25th just not that important an anniversary? Am I overthinking it? I don't like that she tried to put me in the position of either being ok with being disrespected or being the bad guy. I'm not going to complain to her. Like I said, she can do what she wants. I guess this is just another example of how we prioritize different things.
Tell her exactly how you feel.

If my husband did that, I would have been terribly hurt. As in, I could not have spoken to him hurt, at least not right away.

This matters to you. Maybe after you two talk, you will see it differently. But right now it clearly hurts. And she should know that.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Tell her exactly how you feel.

If my husband did that, I would have been terribly hurt. As in, I could not have spoken to him hurt, at least not right away.

This matters to you. Maybe after you two talk, you will see it differently. But right now it clearly hurts. And she should know that.
The problem for me is that if I say something, yes she'll cancel, but she'll cancel because it's a problem for me. So I get to be the jerk who took away her great trip because my feelings were hurt.
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post #4 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I would be hurt by a) him wanting to have a holiday without me(we always go together) and b) going away at a very important time on the 25th wedding anniversary.
How about you suggest that you book a week away together instead for your anniversary?
She can go with her friend another time if she chooses to.
Its as if she is putting her friend first.
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post #5 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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The problem for me is that if I say something, yes she'll cancel, but she'll cancel because it's a problem for me. So I get to be the jerk who took away her great trip because my feelings were hurt.
Make it clear you are not approaching her because you want her to cancel for you. But you do want to share your feelings with her, because you don't want them to fester and cause resentment in the relationship.

WOM, transparency builds trust. If you want a close relationship with your wife, be vulnerable. Be transparent.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #6 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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I would be hurt by a) him wanting to have a holiday without me(we always go together) and b) going away at a very important time on the 25th wedding anniversary.
How about you suggest that you book a week away together instead for your anniversary?
She can go with her friend another time if she chooses to.
Its as if she is putting her friend first.
The friend is only available that week.

But who knows? Maybe if WOM speaks up now, she can talk to the friend and some other time could turn out to work. It is worth a try.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I don't understand what is wrong with people. All this second guessing and circling each other and sly cagey sizing up.

If it was me, it would have never happened in the first place because my wife would have moved heaven and earth to make sure she did not miss an anniversary, but there is no way I would have hesitated to say of course it matters, and I do not want you to be gone on our anniversary.

Why can't people just say what they think? What is so freaking hard about that?

Yeah, my wife can't answer a question to save her soul, but at least she can say the darndest things and knows I like her to speak her mind freely. I always speak mine, straight up and loud, with no hesitation.

How can two people even hope to get along if they can't even manage to say what they think.
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post #8 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Ouch, sorry. Did you only start talking about it recently? It's our 25th a few weeks later and we started talking about it months ago, granted what we want to do is a logistical nightmare.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #9 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Our 25th is in two years, and we have been talking about going to Hawaii for years now. Mainly because we want to take the kids, and that is going to require some planning.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #10 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Clearly she knows it's important to you because she couldn't even wait for you to get home from your errand before discussing it.

I would be terribly hurt myself and there would be little my husband could do to make up for it except maybe change his mind without me asking him to.

But that being said I think in every marriage there is going to be an occasional selfish, insensitive choice made by one spouse toward the other. Nobody is totally perfect in their actions toward the other. WOM, I think you got this. You know what to do that would be best for the both of you.

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post #11 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Ouch, sorry. Did you only start talking about it recently? It's our 25th a few weeks later and we started talking about it months ago, granted what we want to do is a logistical nightmare.
We've talked about it a little but we hadn't made a concrete plan. She's been talking about the trip with her friend for a while too. I'm 100% on board with her going to Hawaii. It's a good deal and she deserves to get away once in a while. It's just a matter of the timing and priorities for me.
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post #12 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

Don't play some childish game of going dark on her if she goes, soooo immature, right now is the time you need to speak your mind. If she goes you just need deal with it, it's not the end of the world.
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post #13 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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Don't play some childish game of going dark on her if she goes, soooo immature, right now is the time you need to speak your mind. If she goes you just need deal with it, it's not the end of the world.
Any kind of passive aggressive action is not going to inspire her, WOM. Just be direct, and own your feelings. Be vulnerable.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

I'll join the "tell her how you feel" chorus. If she won't cancel...damn...

Plan a trip to Rome or Vegas or N'awlins or Amsterdam or Tokyo if she won't decide to be with you to celebrate your quarter century of marriage. Have a massive adventure of your own. With a friend if you want, on your own if you want. If she insists on being gone during your 25th anniversary the last thing I'd do is sit at home. Petty? Maybe. It beats the resentment you'd feel bubbling and seething inside when you're sitting at home while your wife is sunning it up in Hawaii without you on your anniversary.

Look, this is going to cause resentment one way or the other. The best solution, as someone above said, is for her to nix this trip on her own and plan something wonderful together. That's the save - that's chasing the happy for both of you. Plan something so magnificent that any resentment she feels about not going to Hawaii melts in the sunshine of the joy you're having together at wherever you decide to go.
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post #15 of 226 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: 25th anniversary separate trip

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It's just a matter of the timing and priorities for me.
Can she fix that for you even if she cancels Hawaii on her own?



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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