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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:26 PM Thread Starter
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4th marriage problems

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:42 PM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

What led to the divorce in each of your previous marriages?

Your wife feeling uncomfortable around your previous wives is not unusual at all. Both men and women often are not comfortable with their spouse’s ex’es.
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

Ho boy.......

I would knock her up in a flash.

But, on one condition....

She lets me work on her orgasm problem. I would tell her that she will get her baby if I get to drive her furry machine. I will take it on curvy roads, hairpin turns and down bumpy roads.

And while driving I will use all my appendages, while operating under the influence, do drag racing, tail gate her, all while talking in her ear.

Make the deal of a lifetime with this gem of a women. She is perfect. Don't dump this one...uh, uh!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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What led to the divorce in each of your previous marriages?

Your wife feeling uncomfortable around your previous wives is not unusual at all. Both men and women often are not comfortable with their spouse’s ex’es.
My first marriage was at 18 and lasted 16 months. It was a disaster and a half. With that one it would be easier to answer what wasn’t wrong. We married because she was pregnant. That combined with our age was destined to fail. We fought non-stop and called it quits. We were too young and dumb to fight for the marriage. It was doomed from the start.

My second marriage was very good until the last year. After both our children were born we had unrealistic expectations about how our marriage would be. We naively thought we would have the same relationship after kids as before. The older our children got the more we fought about parenting choices, household duties, spending habits. We hated being around each other because we couldn’t agree on anything. We had one fight that became physical and called it quits shortly after. Later she confessed that she was very insecure about my first wife and wanted me to have nothing to do with her. She thought she could “win” by having a child with me, followed by another. She thought I was cheating with my first wife, and proceeded to actually cheat.

My third marriage was my (so far) most successful, and lasted 10 years. We divorced because we fell out of love and didn’t want to try to get it back. We didn't have much, if anything, in common. She did things that increasingly bothered me the longer we were married. We stopped spending time together, stopped “dating”, intimacy became rushed with no emotion. We settled into that life and thought that’s just how it was going to be. We let it go for so long (around 5 years) that we didn’t think we could get it back. We made poor attempts that always failed and eventually called it quits. We didn’t try as hard as we should have, we’ve both admitted that. It probably could have been saved if we had really tried. It was amicable and we get along fine. We spent a lot of time together before I met my (new) wife, then both agreed it should end.

My 3rd wife had an ex-husband and I got along with him well. We weren't going out golfing together but there was no hard feelings or awkwardness. This is my wife's 1st marriage so she doesn't have an ex-husband but her son's father is around. I get along with him as well. We don't talk much but are amicable and it's not awkward when we do have to see each other. Perhaps I've just been lucky.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 11:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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Ho boy.......

I would knock her up in a flash.

But, on one condition....

She lets me work on her orgasm problem. I would tell her that she will get her baby if I get to drive her furry machine. I will take it on curvy roads, hairpin turns and down bumpy roads.

And while driving I will use all my appendages, while operating under the influence, do drag racing, tail gate her, all while talking in her ear.

Make the deal of a lifetime with this gem of a women. She is perfect. Don't dump this one...uh, uh!
I do not want another child. I'm done with that phase and really don't want to go back. There are a lot of things that I would do for my wife, but creating a child that isn't wanted by both parents isn't one of them. I think that is reasonable.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 12:37 AM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

Go get a vasectomy pronto. If she wants a kid, let her know she can leave the marriage at anytime and you won't have any hard feelings. I say a 50/50 chance she leaves you.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 12:48 AM
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Cool Re: 4th marriage problems

With that many kids from so many marriages, well if you were to unexpectedly "kick off," the reading of your last will and testament ought to really be a royal "hoot!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 03:24 AM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

I realize you are trying to find a solution here, and that you'd both established no kids at the start. There's a big piece of herself that must love you dearly to want a child with you, I hope you understand that. I understand that you don't want any more.

If your wife is going to stay with you, she must see a therapist and process her sadness, jealousy, and eventual (misdirected) resentment of you. Because given enough time, she will resent you for seemingly rejecting her expression of love, despite your original agreement for no kids. You should help her to process through the regret. Remember that this is her first marriage, some of the firsts you have had many times over, she will not get to achieve even once with you. That truth will hurt her emotionally, if she is as sensitive as you say.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

I would not want to be with a woman who dose not want or care to work on a satisfying sex life for BOTH partners.

eventually that will break down to her being resentful and feeling like its just another chore.

I agree having another child for the wrong reasons would be a huge mistake.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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Go get a vasectomy pronto. If she wants a kid, let her know she can leave the marriage at anytime and you won't have any hard feelings. I say a 50/50 chance she leaves you.
My wife has an IUD and has had no problem keeping it, I have put off a vasectomy for years. I was going to have the big snip done in my last marriage but my ex-wife ended up having a tubal when she was already having a csection. I have thought about having it done but even though we're not having a child together, it feels like a slap in the face to my wife.

We have talked about it a lot. She wants a child with me but isn't going to want a divorce if she doesn't get it. She wants a baby with me, not someone else. She doesn't think she'd find someone else she'd love before it was too late.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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I would not want to be with a woman who dose not want or care to work on a satisfying sex life for BOTH partners.

eventually that will break down to her being resentful and feeling like its just another chore.

I agree having another child for the wrong reasons would be a huge mistake.
She does want a satisfying sex life for herself, not as much as I do but she does. She has never had a great sex life with anyone. She doesn't think that she can and doesn't want to try because she doesn't want me disappointed. It is something that I want to work on, help her relax and just enjoy it. Sex is her biggest sore spot carrying over from previous relationships.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I realize you are trying to find a solution here, and that you'd both established no kids at the start. There's a big piece of herself that must love you dearly to want a child with you, I hope you understand that. I understand that you don't want any more.

If your wife is going to stay with you, she must see a therapist and process her sadness, jealousy, and eventual (misdirected) resentment of you. Because given enough time, she will resent you for seemingly rejecting her expression of love, despite your original agreement for no kids. You should help her to process through the regret. Remember that this is her first marriage, some of the firsts you have had many times over, she will not get to achieve even once with you. That truth will hurt her emotionally, if she is as sensitive as you say.
Whew!!

My backup arrived.................. my LISA.

Not a Moaning LISA, nope, Lady in Shining Armor...St. Joan from Hoboken.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ......
Read what Satya said. Your wife still loves you, needs your support. Please, have her back.

Anyone can be stubborn, anyone can be and have a hard-ass. You likely had one the three other times. With your 'other' wives.

Your hard ass attitude will cost you, will be very expensive. Yet, another divorce.

WTF, bend a little. I guarantee the baby she gives you will not be a mistake or regretted.

You have the Power and the Glory to make someone happy Forever. Amen.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I realize you are trying to find a solution here, and that you'd both established no kids at the start. There's a big piece of herself that must love you dearly to want a child with you, I hope you understand that. I understand that you don't want any more.

If your wife is going to stay with you, she must see a therapist and process her sadness, jealousy, and eventual (misdirected) resentment of you. Because given enough time, she will resent you for seemingly rejecting her expression of love, despite your original agreement for no kids. You should help her to process through the regret. Remember that this is her first marriage, some of the firsts you have had many times over, she will not get to achieve even once with you. That truth will hurt her emotionally, if she is as sensitive as you say.
From day 1 she always said that she never wanted another child. She had a very bad experience with becoming a mother for the first time and didn't want to repeat that. It was tainted and ruined for her. For that opinion to change I know that she really loves me and feels comfortable. She desperately wants me to get her pregnant. Almost every conversation results in tears. It's something that I think she will always regret, and you're right, resent me. I'm not judging her for that, I've had all the children that I wanted. I have been able to have many of the experiences that I wanted, you're right, more than once. Some she is never going to have, that she should have been able to have.

Your second last sentence hurt a little bit, for her. You're right. It is something that she has said and I don't think I really listened. Regardless of my previous marriages failing, there are many experiences with my ex-wives that I still treasure and I'm glad that I had. There are many "firsts" for a married couple or just LTR that I don't think she has had, or will ever have.

She struggles with feeling special. She held on out marriage because she wanted it to be with someone that she really loved and only be married once. She feels like I'm special to her, but she isn't special to me just "number 4". I have had 4 weddings now, the first 3 involved family, friends, more money than it should have. I had no desire for another big wedding. My wife did, she had never been married before. She knew that I didn't want that so she settled because she didn't think it was fair to get what she wanted. We didn't just go to a courthouse, we went to Belize and married on the beach but it was just us. She felt like she wasn't worth sharing the experience with friends and family. I could probably go on and on about things that have upset her.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Whew!!

My backup arrived.................. my LISA.

Not a Moaning LISA, nope, Lady in Shining Armor...St. Joan from Hoboken.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ......
Read what Satya said. Your wife still loves you, needs your support. Please, have her back.

Anyone can be stubborn, anyone can be and have a hard-ass. You likely had one the three other times. With your 'other' wives.

Your hard ass attitude will cost you, will be very expensive. Yet, another divorce.

WTF, bend a little. I guarantee the baby she gives you will not be a mistake or regretted.

You have the Power and the Glory to make someone happy Forever. Amen.
I know all too well that babies and kids do not make or save a marriage. I love my wife, I want her to be happy and I want to have a good, final, marriage. What I don't want is another child leading to another divorce.

3 of my kids are fully grown and out on their own. My other 3 are becoming more and more independent and the end is in sight. I see my oldest son every 2-4 weeks, he is married with a family of his own. I love my grandkids, but it's also nice to be able to see them and send them home. I don't want to start over from scratch. I want to enjoy this time, not add on another 18-20 years and being "free" in my late 60's. We're financially secure and comfortable, I am still paying child support and alimony to my 3rd wife. I don't want to throw in another financial factor, who knows what will happen in the future. There are health risks to having a baby when we're older, male and female, it's not worth the risk. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but what do I know with 3 failed marriages.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: 4th marriage problems

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I know all too well that babies and kids do not make or save a marriage. I love my wife, I want her to be happy and I want to have a good, final, marriage. What I don't want is another child leading to another divorce.

3 of my kids are fully grown and out on their own. My other 3 are becoming more and more independent and the end is in sight. I see my oldest son every 2-4 weeks, he is married with a family of his own. I love my grandkids, but it's also nice to be able to see them and send them home. I don't want to start over from scratch. I want to enjoy this time, not add on another 18-20 years and being "free" in my late 60's. We're financially secure and comfortable, I am still paying child support and alimony to my 3rd wife. I don't want to throw in another financial factor, who knows what will happen in the future. There are health risks to having a baby when we're older, male and female, it's not worth the risk. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but what do I know with 3 failed marriages.
You answered your own question about having another child with your 4th wife. I'm a career woman, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), never wanted children from the get-go, & told my groom. We're in position for early retirement; house paid for, and no debts of any kind. Who would want to work 'til you're 90 years old? Make your position clear with your wife & don't wishy-wash. You've made your position clear that you don't want another child from the beginning. Don't buy into the the bait & switch game to facilitate someone's else's mindset.
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