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post #46 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Yep, that is expensive. That is part of why we are going to need to plan, too.

@Wolf1974, read the whole thread and you will know why he is away.

The thread was inspired by WOM's, but has a different focus.
The why was rhetorical. That was not the point I was making. Sorry it wasn't clear

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post #47 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:37 PM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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The more I think about it, the more complications special dates seem to bring. It becomes about the special date itself, and not what the special date is supposed to represent. Like not seeing the forest for the trees. And we make ourselves unhappy with all our expectations around it.
Funny you used the exact analogy my GF used to describe your post. It isn't about the date it's about prioritization of friends over spouses.
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post #48 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Funny you used the exact analogy my GF used to describe your post. It isn't about the date it's about prioritization of friends over spouses.
I guess we are drawing different lessons from it, Wolf.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #49 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

Our marriage is extremely strong, and one of the reasons is that we take time to mark the milestones. This year we are celebrating 39 years, we will be on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. We will go on adventures together, and dance in the moonlight. We plan on making love under the stars. That's an anniversary. We treat each other to this every year. Depending on our stress levels, several times a year.

Last edited by Taxman; 05-19-2017 at 07:37 AM.
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post #50 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

Being away can mean many things. Business obligations, extended family commitments or just a jaunt with friends. I may have misssed an anniversary or two over the last 30+ years as I tend to travel around the world for my job. This is the price of the agreement my wife and I made years ago when starting a family. She wanted to be a full time mom, so I carried the financial load. It worked for a long time because we made it work and we celebrated a little later. We did make it a point however, to be together for the milestones and we never vacationed separately.

To WOM case, he has a right to be pissed off. His is a milestone anniversary, and she wants to take a jaunt.


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post #51 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:51 PM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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I guess we are drawing different lessons from it, Wolf.
Not really a lesson to be learned here. It is either something you prioritize or something you don't. Certainly a handful of people here are ok not being the priority in a relationship and that's ok. Might not be their love language if you want to call it such things. Time spent is definitely for me so it would be inconvievable to have someone in my life say hey I'm not spending time with you on your birthday, anniversary, Christmas whatever of they were available. For you and some others no big deal. This is probably more about what we are as people. Neither right or wrong just different.
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post #52 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:52 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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How about you? How do you think a spouse's absence on an anniversary, 25th or otherwise, would affect you, and why?
I kinda feel the day-to-day is more important to me than one particular date. Keep in mind this is also coming from a person who was comfortable living together for years, and then not wanting the big marriage celebration in favor of an intimate ceremony, just the two of us.

However we have celebrated each year we've been together for the past 22 years; not necessarily grand, but at the very least, moments shared. It would depend on circumstance but consideration does speak volumes to me.

Birthdays we make a big deal out of and perhaps treat more special. If I relate your question to a birthday, I'd be pretty gutted if he wasn't around (if plans could otherwise be flexible). Why? Because at the heart of it, as immature as it may sound, it's about holding onto some magic in this life and expressing love. It's one way I get to express my love to him and he's the only person on the planet that is going to give a damn about celebrating with me for mine too. A birthday is simply the excuse to focus on the other person. I love that - both the giving and receiving. It's joyful and fun and worth celebrating!

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post #53 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:59 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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I've never heard of anniversary cake, I Googled, and it's a thing
Okay, wait. Cake changes everything.

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post #54 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Okay, wait. Cake changes everything.
Yeah, I was really surprised to hear this may be an uncommon custom.

Maybe we just really like cake where I live.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #55 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Yeah, I was really surprised to hear this may be an uncommon custom.

Maybe we just really like cake where I live.
Granted, we didn't have a wedding cake..!

How the hell did I miss the memos about cake?


Although I have lined up surprise birthday cakes in my time.


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post #56 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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I kinda feel the day-to-day is more important to me than one particular date. Keep in mind this is also coming from a person who was comfortable living together for years, and then not wanting the big marriage celebration in favor of an intimate ceremony, just the two of us.

However we have celebrated each year we've been together for the past 22 years; not necessarily grand, but at the very least, moments shared. It would depend on circumstance but consideration does speak volumes to me.

Birthdays we make a big deal out of and perhaps treat more special. If I relate your question to a birthday, I'd be pretty gutted if he wasn't around (if plans could otherwise be flexible). Why? Because at the heart of it, as immature as it may sound, it's about holding onto some magic in this life and expressing love. It's one way I get to express my love to him and he's the only person on the planet that is going to give a damn about celebrating with me for mine too. A birthday is simply the excuse to focus on the other person. I love that - both the giving and receiving. It's joyful and fun and worth celebrating!
I don't think it's immature. And even if it were, if it's working for you, why not?

As I have been reflecting on this thread, I've come to realize that it is our expectations that often influence our happiness.

If we expect our spouse to prioritize a certain day the same way we do, and they don't, we will likely feel disappointed. We may even feel betrayed. And we may feel justified in that feeling of betrayal.

But where is that going to take us?

I certainly believe that we should be honest and direct with our spouses. Clear and direct communication can prevent and resolve so many difficulties.

But after we've been clear and direct, I think it's a good idea to let our spouses make their own decisions. If we force our way or guilt our way into something, is it going to be very satisfying anyway?

Replacing entitlement ("I have needs, therefore you must meet them") with gratitude ("Wow, that was really thoughtful! Thank you so much for offering that to me! I know you did not have to do it!") could really up our level of happiness in an otherwise distressing situation.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #57 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

Life is for celebrating, I don't get it when people are indifferent to it.

It is not about gifts in my world but about celebrating the great fortune to have such wonderful people in my life. TBH I would be deeply upset if MrH was away for work for a big anniversary, I'm more important than work.
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post #58 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:35 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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I don't think it's immature. And even if it were, if it's working for you, why not?

As I have been reflecting on this thread, I've come to realize that it is our expectations that often influence our happiness.

If we expect our spouse to prioritize a certain day the same way we do, and they don't, we will likely feel disappointed. We may even feel betrayed. And we may feel justified in that feeling of betrayal.

But where is that going to take us?

I certainly believe that we should be honest and direct with our spouses. Clear and direct communication can prevent and resolve so many difficulties.
Absolutely agree with this.

Quote:
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But after we've been clear and direct, I think it's a good idea to let our spouses make their own decisions. If we force our way or guilt our way into something, is it going to be very satisfying anyway?
I agree with the sentiment - although I'd hope a spouse wouldn't be arrogant enough to think they were able to manipulate their spouse and loving enough not to try.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Replacing entitlement ("I have needs, therefore you must meet them") with gratitude ("Wow, that was really thoughtful! Thank you so much for offering that to me! I know you did not have to do it!") could really up our level of happiness in an otherwise distressing situation.
Having gratitude and not taking our spouse (or anything, come to think of it) for granted is helpful.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #59 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Life is for celebrating, I don't get it when people are indifferent to it.

It is not about gifts in my world but about celebrating the great fortune to have such wonderful people in my life. TBH I would be deeply upset if MrH was away for work for a big anniversary, I'm more important than work.
Plus I hear there's cake.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #60 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Plus I hear there's cake.
and Bubbly
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