Being away on your anniversary - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:15 AM Thread Starter
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Being away on your anniversary

This is a spin off of WOM's thread, addressing anniversary absences in general and how you might feel if this happened in your marriage.

My husband will be in South America for our anniversary this year. And when we have our 25th in two years, he may not be home, either. We do plan to take a trip somewhere, likely Hawaii, with our kids. It will almost certainly not be on the actual anniversary date.

While it is sad that he cannot be with me this year, and has not been other years, either, it does not affect the fundamental state of the marriage. I think it is because our foundation and communication are strong.

As the emotionally dependent person in the marriage, I look to him to soothe me first when we argue. He has no problem with this. When I am calm, he shares his perspective, which often makes a lot of sense--sense I could not see in a moment of emotion.

I think if our marriage were not as strong as it is, I might see his absence on an anniversary differently. But as things are, after the initial sting, I think I would quickly adjust. I certainly have in the past.

How about you? How do you think a spouse's absence on an anniversary, 25th or otherwise, would affect you, and why?


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #2 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

Our marriage is strong and we have a small celebration the day of(card/flowers) but we also have something planned like a nice dinner or a get away weekend like we have done the past 4-5 years. So being away on the actual day is not killer because something is planned down for the following weekend or so. Now, for our 25th we are planning ahead and thinking of something to do. Cruise, etc.

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post #3 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:38 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

In the early years of our marriage we would celebrate the day we met not the day we married.
We usually forget our anniversary until after it is over (both of us) I don't know when that started happening, probably around 10 years ago or more and because he is usually away on business. We will be married 25 years this year. No big plans tbh. We are rebuilding I think after much damage being done with his drinking, etc over the years. I don't really want to celebrate the marriage because to me, the marriage has been a lot of bloody hard work and pain (there I said it!). At a marriage course we went on a few years ago, I refused to renew my vows, because I didn't want to be a hypocrite, that is what shocked him into starting the first counselling sessions. I knew I would have choked if I had to say vows, I'm not sure if i would do any better now. I like things the way they are, floating along committed but not quite
I am not sure we are putting in the effort needed, but I am not going to pretend, it is what it is. Something died in me in the last few years, I don't know if I will ever get it back.
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post #4 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Our marriage is strong and we have a small celebration the day of(card/flowers) but we also have something planned like a nice dinner or a get away weekend like we have done the past 4-5 years. So being away on the actual day is not killer because something is planned down for the following weekend or so. Now, for our 25th we are planning ahead and thinking of something to do. Cruise, etc.
Yes, we have been talking about the 25th for years. We both want to do a special trip to mark it, like 10 days in Hawaii with the kids.

But even if that did not happen, it would be okay. The love and commitment, which is the most important thing to both of us, would not be affected in any way.

Tbh, I think Dug forgets about our anniversary most years. He is just not very sensitive to special days. But I bring it up, if only to say I would like to go out for dinner. And by now he knows I expect some sort of love letter.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
In the early years of our marriage we would celebrate the day we met not the day we married.
We usually forget our anniversary until after it is over (both of us) I don't know when that started happening, probably around 10 years ago or more and because he is usually away on business. We will be married 25 years this year. No big plans tbh. We are rebuilding I think after much damage being done with his drinking, etc over the years. I don't really want to celebrate the marriage because to me, the marriage has been a lot of bloody hard work and pain (there I said it!). At a marriage course we went on a few years ago, I refused to renew my vows, because I didn't want to be a hypocrite, that is what shocked him into starting the first counselling sessions. I knew I would have choked if I had to say vows, I'm not sure if i would do any better now. I like things the way they are, floating along committed but not quite
I am not sure we are putting in the effort needed, but I am not going to pretend, it is what it is. Something died in me in the last few years, I don't know if I will ever get it back.
It is always good to be honest, aine.

Best wishes resolving all of this.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #6 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Yes, we have been talking about the 25th for years. We both want to do a special trip to mark it, like 10 days in Hawaii with the kids.

But even if that did not happen, it would be okay. The love and commitment, which is the most important thing to both of us, would not be affected in any way.

Tbh, I think Dug forgets about our anniversary most years. He is just not very sensitive to special days. But I bring it up, if only to say I would like to go out for dinner. And by now he knows I expect some sort of love letter.
Same with us, if the 25th celebration was not in the cards, like a cruise and such, it would not make a difference. It is being together and not on the actual day either. Heck, my W and I would be completely satisfied if the evening we celebrated our 25th was held on our back deck. Just the two of us and what the crickets will witness.

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post #7 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Same with us, if the 25th celebration was not in the cards, like a cruise and such, it would not make a difference. It is being together and not on the actual day either. Heck, my W and I would be completely satisfied if the evening we celebrated our 25th was held on our back deck. Just the two of us and what the crickets will witness.
Absolutely!

When the fundamentals are strong, the details figure themselves out.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #8 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

Communication, well in advance, is key. If you're both on the same page no problem.

Sometimes being apart is unavoidable, my annual conference is often around our anniversary (bringing her is not a good idea). Non round number were never a big deal. For our 20th she met me halfway for a long weekend on my way home from the conference.

Thanks TAM, we finally sat down with a calendar and finalized travel dates for our 25th. She said it was important to her to be there on the exact date. I was thinking about going earlier hoping for better weather.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #9 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
This is a spin off of WOM's thread, addressing anniversary absences in general and how you might feel if this happened in your marriage.

My husband will be in South America for our anniversary this year. And when we have our 25th in two years, he may not be home, either. We do plan to take a trip somewhere, likely Hawaii, with our kids. It will almost certainly not be on the actual anniversary date.

While it is sad that he cannot be with me this year, and has not been other years, either, it does not affect the fundamental state of the marriage. I think it is because our foundation and communication are strong.

As the emotionally dependent person in the marriage, I look to him to soothe me first when we argue. He has no problem with this. When I am calm, he shares his perspective, which often makes a lot of sense--sense I could not see in a moment of emotion.

I think if our marriage were not as strong as it is, I might see his absence on an anniversary differently. But as things are, after the initial sting, I think I would quickly adjust. I certainly have in the past.

How about you? How do you think a spouse's absence on an anniversary, 25th or otherwise, would affect you, and why?
This is exactly the same way love languages work. If you are the type of person where it would be important to you it is incumbent on your husband to get that and not blow it off. You would think after 25 years he would. If not there is something wrong with the communication of the marriage.

As far the answers to your question I suspect the answers will be all over the place but if I were to put a number on it I would say 75-25 people would expect their spouse to be with them on their 25the wedding anniversary. You imply here that it IS important to you, you just hold your tongue. By the way I think it pretty crappy your husband doesn't want to spend his 25th wedding anniversary with you, and you sucking it up pretty much follows the same pattern of the other posters wife, In your case it's him putting his desires over your feelings. I get now why you think he should suck it up too, because this is the tact that you have taken. But you're wrong. Your husband should know better. It's your 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, you only get one! South American will be there the next day.

In the other thread your post is essentially - Well I don't feel that way so you are weak because you do.
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post #10 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

DH cares not for the day the state formalized our relationship. For him, the anniversary of our union is the day we had our first date and knew what we were to each other. So, the actual wedding date isn't really celebrated much.

We had our first date December 19. We married 3 years later on December 9. So, we just pick a day we're relatively free of responsibility in December near those dates and spend it together.

When DH was over the road or regional and couldn't be there for special occasions we'd just celebrate before he left or when he came home, whichever was nearer the actual date.


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post #11 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
This is exactly the same way love languages work. If you are the type of person where it would be important to you it is incumbent on your husband to get that and not blow it off. You would think after 25 years he would. If not there is something wrong with the communication of the marriage.
Actually, it isn't.

I can ask, but he is not obligated to do anything about it. And if he did it out of obligation, it would not feel meaningful to me, anyway.

The bolded illustrates the attitude that causes so many hurt feelings in marriage: entitlement.

Quote:
As far the answers to your question I suspect the answers will be all over the place but if I were to put a number on it I would say 75-25 people would expect their spouse to be with them on their 25the wedding anniversary. You imply here that it IS important to you, you just hold your tongue.


If you think I hold my tongue in my marriage, you clearly do not know me.

Quote:
By the way I think it pretty crappy your husband doesn't want to spend his 25th wedding anniversary with you, and you sucking it up pretty much follows the same pattern of the other posters wife, In your case it's him putting his desires over your feelings.
He would like to spend every day with me, sokillme.

But we are not independently wealthy. So Dug does what the job requires.

Quote:
I get now why you think he should suck it up too, because this is the tact that you have taken. But you're wrong. Your husband should know better. It's your 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, you only get one! South American will be there the next day.
I do not think WOM should "suck it up."

I told him to communicate clearly and directly with his wife. I said it in several posts.

Wherever Dug is on the exact date of our 25th anniversary, I will be fine. It is the marriage that is important to us, not the exact date of the celebration.

Quote:
In the other thread your post is essentially - Well I don't feel that way so you are weak because you do.
Again, a false statement.

Your interpretation of my posts is just that--your interpretation.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #12 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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Actually, it isn't.

I can ask, but he is not obligated to do anything about it. And if he did it out of obligation, it would not feel meaningful to me, anyway.

The bolded illustrates the attitude that causes so many hurt feelings in marriage: entitlement.
You could say that about anything in a relationship. You are big on men inspiring there wives being kind even when the wives are verbally abusive, why is that not entitlement.

You say it's not important to you, but your post seems to hint to the fact that you have decided to let it go because it's not as important as rocking the boat and he is good husband in other ways.
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post #13 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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You could say that about anything in a relationship. You are big on men inspiring there wives being kind even when the wives are verbally abusive, why is that not entitlement.
They are certainly not obligated to follow my advice, sokillme. We can only offer help here, not enforce it.

Quote:
You say it's not important to you, but your post seems to hint to the fact that you have decided to let it go because it's not as important as rocking the boat and he is good husband in other ways.
I have no trouble rocking the boat, lol.

Every human is limited. We have to accept those limitations if we want to be happy.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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They are certainly not obligated to follow my advice, sokillme. We can only offer help here, not enforce it.
I notice how you don't answer the question. Are the wives who need a man to inspire them being entitled or not?
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post #15 of 70 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Being away on your anniversary

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I notice how you don't answer the question. Are the wives who need a man to inspire them being entitled or not?
No, they are not entitled. Needing something does not mean you are going to get it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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