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post #91 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

And, when looking at the grand scheme of things - especially given that your girlfriend left A YEAR AGO...you don't see that as a huge red flag? (trying to help you here)

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post #92 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 10:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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And, when looking at the grand scheme of things - especially given that your girlfriend left A YEAR AGO...you don't see that as a huge red flag? (trying to help you here)
Not everyone has a network of friends. I am a loner. So I am not sure what you are getting at.
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post #93 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-24-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: No contact rule questions

When I was going to therapy, the one thing my IC kept pushing me to do was to get out of the house and hang out with other women. She said that my outlook was frighteningly myopic because I chose to be alone all the time, have no friends, experience no new things, basically have no fun. No wonder I wasn't getting better.

So as much as I didn't want to, I called up old friends and went to dinner with them, went to an art show or something, signed up for an event. GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I can't even begin to describe to you how much of a difference it made in my life. To speak to other people. To be around other people who were glad to see me. To be involved in things, no matter how small, from which I got a good feeling or pride in myself.

IMO, the REASON you are still here, a YEAR later, wringing your hands over losing this woman (and her grandchild!) is that you frankly have nothing else going on in your life. Of course she's all you think about. She's all you (think you) have.

And fwiw, I'm an introvert too. But there's a difference between a healthy introvert and someone who chooses to have no friends and can't move on from a woman who left him a year ago.

Get out of your house. Join a club for some thing you're passionate about, anything. Talk to people. THAT is what's going to help you move on and find happiness.

btw, friends don't just magically appear. People don't come to knock on your door and say 'can we be friends?' You have to actively put yourself out in public, smile at people, talk to people, get involved with people.
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post #94 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-24-2017, 09:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

I have a handful of people that I consider a friend. Some are not in the area. Only a couple in the area where I am at. One is a female. She is the only one that I do things with. And that is just occasionally. I don't feel comfortable asking them to help me move her stuff to storage. Plans have already been made.

Almost went to a movie with the guy friend. But I needed sleep.

I know I need to reach out and be more sociable. It is not my nature. She is all that I had. Not close to my dad. My son has been alienated against me. No other friends, especially at that time. She was it.

Anyway, read more of NMMNG tonight. Will finish it this weekend when I have more time. I do recognize some similarities.

And still yet, even tonight, I was sitting here wondering if I did the right thing. She told me she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. So conflicted about the "friend" thing. I think I did the right thing.

Looked up groups and there really isn't any support groups for this situation in the area.
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post #95 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-24-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

So pick a hobby to start up. Find a group that does that hobby. Nobody's telling you to become an extrovert. Just to start changing the balance in your life to something healthier, with a little more human interaction. Doesn't have to be earth-shattering.
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post #96 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-27-2017, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

She is supposed to come over tomorrow and pack up her stuff. Read some more NMMNG. Seeing some things that strike a chord but still have a lot left to go over. Not feeling as bad all the time so that is an improvement. Re-read this and the other thread, letting things sink in more. When I post, I don't post 100% of everything that goes thru my head. That and I feel like I alread posted in another thread so maybe it's a little dis-jointed and or I just leave things out. Like, some big reasons that I have put up with this. I have listed some. But she has a rare disease. 1 in 50,000 have it. So, very few people can understand. She takes a lot of meds for pain. I know, firsthand, that these meds have caused physical problems because of side effects and different meds working against eachother. I KNOW it effects her mentally at times too. So I was understanding. She cannot help that part of who she is.

Does that make up for everything? NO! But it should help explain some of why I put up with her problems and have hung on. It's not always so cut and dry. Some people are awful judgy.

Sometimes I remember things and other times I forget...but I remember her after leaving...and I forget what we were talking about...she said she felt like she was stringing me along. I guess that's because she was, for some reason. And I continued to let her.

This weekend and next will be rough as she has to come over and get her stuff out. Hopefully things will get better after that, quicker than they are now. Part of me still hopes she comes back too. Back when we were just friends, in the beginning...she made sure that I knew she just wanted to be friends, after I gave her a kiss (even though, come to find out later, she didn't). She told me she'd push me away if I pushed her. After that, I was with another woman, ONE time. When my ex found out, she got upset. Then she let me know she wanted to be with me. She said she was so stupid for doing that. So part of me wishes she would see the light and say she was so stupid for doing this now and that she wants me again. But I know that won't happen. Just getting stuff of my chest. Thoughts swirling around in my head.
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post #97 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-28-2017, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

And the hopeful side says...I'm the one she invited over for holidays...no one else. Not the guys with nice bodies. Me! That has to count for something, right?
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post #98 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-28-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

Lemme guess. If she tells you tomorrow she'd like to be with you again, you'd drop everything and IMMEDIATELY move all her stuff back into all the rooms and ask you what else you can do to please her. Right?
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post #99 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-28-2017, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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Lemme guess. If she tells you tomorrow she'd like to be with you again, you'd drop everything and IMMEDIATELY move all her stuff back into all the rooms and ask you what else you can do to please her. Right?
No. Still not easy and have lots of emotions going on right now.
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post #100 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-28-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

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It was the first time when she mentioned it a few days ago.


Just go no contact, just don't reach out to her and don't answer her if she reaches out to u. Get out there and spend time with other women. I know u feel she is ur best friend but she doesn't feel the same way. U r a convenience to her, plain and simple. Don't waste ur life on her. Find someone that u can go out and do things with, that makes u laugh, that likes u for u, not what u can do for them. Life is too short to waste on someone who's using u. U don't have to make an official statement to anyone. Just stop reaching out and responding. She will get the clue.


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post #101 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

I feel like such a fool. She came over to pack stuff up, which she did. Still moving it out. But I told her why this was happening. And when it comes down to it, I may have misunderstood her. Apparently I misunderstood the context of the movie star conversation. And the local guy, she does not run into all the time. And when she does, he always has a woman with him. She said she didn't mean to hurt me.

She reiterated that she is not coming back and that she wants me to let go and move on. She still wants to be friends but she doesn't want me holding on. She wants me to meet others. She wants me to do what is best for me. She said holding on is not healthy for me.

So it is not so much her, it is ME!
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post #102 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

Well, yeah...what we've been saying.
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post #103 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-29-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

Process, everyone's process is different and for some it takes longer than others. You Lost had hope and there's nothing wrong with hoping. However, your exgf has been honest and you have to accept the reality of that. You have to change your thoughts toward what is verses what was or what could be. She is done.

Mourn what was. Embrace what is and if you dare hope, hope for what ever you desire elsewhere. Believe that you are lovable and will find love again.

This is your process. Learn from it. Feel it. Move forward thinking positively. You can do it!!
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post #104 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-30-2017, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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Process, everyone's process is different and for some it takes longer than others. You Lost had hope and there's nothing wrong with hoping. However, your exgf has been honest and you have to accept the reality of that. You have to change your thoughts toward what is verses what was or what could be. She is done.

Mourn what was. Embrace what is and if you dare hope, hope for what ever you desire elsewhere. Believe that you are lovable and will find love again.

This is your process. Learn from it. Feel it. Move forward thinking positively. You can do it!!
Thank you. I think I have the mourning part down pat! But I keep thinking it is somehow my fault. If I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that, we'd still be together. Still trying to grasp what is so I can embrace it. Having a very hard time feeling like I am lovable and will find love again. Trying to hang in there though.
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post #105 of 108 (permalink) Old 05-30-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

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If I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that, we'd still be together.
Why? Specifically. Why? What did you do to drive your spouse away?
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