No contact rule questions - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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No contact rule questions

Okay, I have read some on here and googled and read some articles. Have been thinking about going no contact pretty hard this week. What got that started was my ex coming over on mother's day. She mentioned guys in movies that she liked. And how she was flipping channels and so and so had his shirt off and that got her attention and she watched his movie. I made a comment about how they have all the time in the world to work on their bodies and she mentions some guy in town that she went to school with that has a body like that and that she bumps into him in town all the time. We'd been together for 4 years and apart for a year now and this is the first time she ever made comment of some other guy's body. It did bother me but I tried not to let on. And that's when I started thinking letting her go...because I can't stand the thought of her liking someone else. Or giving them that which she promised would always be mine. I still love her. She says she still loves me but it's not the same kind of love that it used to be. She even tells me she loves me. The last time it came up, she said their is no one else.

Anyway, if I go no contact should I just do it or should I tell her what I am doing and why? I realize I'll have to delete or block her on facebook. But what about her family? Do I say anything to them? Or just delete/block them? I have love and respect for them. Her 4 year old grandson was born while we were together. I love him too and will miss him. I feel like I am leaving him and them too. I was a part of that family. Her dad has always treated me with respect and has been very kind to me. No facebook though. Should I call him? Tell him face to face? i am conflicted. She was the best friend I ever had. And she says I am still the best friend she ever had.

All I can think about is her and how to handle this. Not all happy thoughts either. Sex was awesome. Then health issues and a loss of desire after a miscarriage caused the sex to stop. She promised it would go back to the way it was but it never did. I stayed with her even though we didn't have sex for the last year+ of the relationship. A lot of guys wouldn't do that. Now, if I call or text, she leaves me hanging and sometimes doesn't reply at all...UNLESS she wants something. Says she doesn't get a good signal, which she doesn't but if she wants something she gets a good signal and finds a way.

I could go on and on but I am seeking advice on how to proceed. A lot of her furniture and stuff is still here in my house so that still needs to be dealt with. Anyway...advice?


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post #2 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

And just when I am about to do NC, I read an article against it.

Is It Wrong to Do No Contact? | |Ask The Love Doctor | Yangki Akiteng

Now I am even more confused.
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post #3 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

Nobody's got anything?
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post #4 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

"No Contact" is going to let you heal, grow and move on. She is!

You don't have to do it drastically. You don't have to be mean. Just do it.

Do it naturally, slowly, but methodically. No calls, text, emails initiated by you. Detach! Don't jump to answer any from her side, unless it's dire. Excuse yourself from invitations. Believe me, after a bit of time, they'll get the hint. They'll sense you're moving on and when they ask tell them you are moving on. Stop worrying about fbook. Turn off the notices so you won't see what they are doing or just get off it. (Fbook, I don't get why this is such a problem. It's so stupid, IMO)

BTW have you read "I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"

No More Mr Nice Guy

I'm sure someone can link you the 180...

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 05-18-2017 at 07:00 PM.
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post #5 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

I have no idea. No reference.

But I gotta say it sounds like you two are still married.

Why in the world would you bother being in contact with an ex unless you have children together and you have to be in contact in order to take care of parenting tasks? Just sounds masochistic to me.

But some people are masochistic. So, hey, have fun.

Edit: Oh, my wife adds maybe she is trying to get you to stop bugging her, and get the hell out of her life, and this is her way too subtle way of saying it. Women, what can you say.
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post #6 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 07:02 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

Are you wanting to go no contact in hopes that she comes back? What is your goal?
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post #7 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 07:15 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

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Originally Posted by LostinMO View Post
And just when I am about to do NC, I read an article against it.

Is It Wrong to Do No Contact? | |Ask The Love Doctor | Yangki Akiteng

Now I am even more confused.
Read the article again, it is very specific on what to do. The article is against using no contact to maintain a relationship or win someone back. This is the exact same thing uttered all over this website.
Also, he is arguing form the "all relationships can be saved" standpoint so, he will argue for techniques which will create a better connection. So, of course, he is going to be against using no contact.
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post #8 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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I have no idea. No reference.

But I gotta say it sounds like you two are still married.

Why in the world would you bother being in contact with an ex unless you have children together and you have to be in contact in order to take care of parenting tasks? Just sounds masochistic to me.

But some people are masochistic. So, hey, have fun.

Edit: Oh, my wife adds maybe she is trying to get you to stop bugging her, and get the hell out of her life, and this is her way too subtle way of saying it. Women, what can you say.
I still love her. And I have thought that she is hoping I just go away. I don't know. She doesn't come out and say it. She hasn't just cut me off. She still tells me she loves me. Doesn't sound like she is trying to get me to go away when she tells me she loves me. I DON'T KNOW man. It is confusing.
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post #9 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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Are you wanting to go no contact in hopes that she comes back? What is your goal?

I hope that she comes back, mainly.
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post #10 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 08:57 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

She is gone.

What she evolved into is still in your life.

Her mentioning other men's bodies is trying to make you jealous.

Her stopping sex with you was the relationship killer. I will assume that her desire has disappeared not the physical possibility of having sex?

Did she have a total hysterectomy and removal of the ovaries and Fallopian tubes? If so she would need hormonal replacement treatment to improve her sexual function.

If she can have and enjoy sex, but she chooses not to, I would start dating other women. This will make her come around quickly.

Or not. This is what I would do. Force her to make a decision.


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post #11 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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She is gone.

What she evolved into is still in your life.

Her mentioning other men's bodies is trying to make you jealous.

Her stopping sex with you was the relationship killer. I will assume that her desire has disappeared not the physical possibility of having sex?

Did she have a total hysterectomy and removal of the ovaries and Fallopian tubes? If so she would need hormonal replacement treatment to improve her sexual function.

If she can have and enjoy sex, but she chooses not to, I would start dating other women. This will make her come around quickly.

Or not. This is what I would do. Force her to make a decision.
It was her desire. Miscarriage. Hormones. Physically she has pain too. That is why I was understanding. I don't understand why she tried to make me jealous. She is the one that left.
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post #12 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

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It was her desire. Miscarriage. Hormones. Physically she has pain too. That is why I was understanding. I don't understand why she tried to make me jealous. She is the one that left.
OK, I'm a bit confused. You two are Divorced, yes? SHE left and wanted the divorce? What were the reasons for the divorce? If you ARE divorced, WHY are you still so engaged in her life? it doesn't sound like you have kids, why why so much interaction? I would start detaching and start living our own life. Start limiting your talking/email/etc.. DON't tell her what you are doing -- just do it. If she questions, just say, sorry did't check my phone latetly, etc.. You really don't owe her any explanations.
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post #13 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No contact rule questions

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OK, I'm a bit confused. You two are Divorced, yes? SHE left and wanted the divorce? What were the reasons for the divorce? If you ARE divorced, WHY are you still so engaged in her life? it doesn't sound like you have kids, why why so much interaction? I would start detaching and start living our own life. Start limiting your talking/email/etc.. DON't tell her what you are doing -- just do it. If she questions, just say, sorry did't check my phone latetly, etc.. You really don't owe her any explanations.
Never married. Ex Girlfriend. Was closer to her than the woman I was married to for 13 1/2 years though.
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post #14 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

You've been clinging on like this for over a year. What are you getting out of this?

Man you aren't even getting breadcrumbs.

Is this the way you want to live your life?

You need to just cut this off. Go complete no contact and move on with your life.

I suspect you're looking for magic. There isn't any.

The longer you hang on the lower your status becomes. I suspect you're at rock bottom now.
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post #15 of 103 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:08 PM
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Re: No contact rule questions

I remember your thread.

Your wife is using you. She is so selfish that she will continue to hurt you indefinitely if you let her.

You want her back. No contact is not the way to get her back, although it would make her reach out to you. But it would be for selfish reasons she had, not because she loves you.

I encourage you to go no contact and start dating, just for friends and to see what is available to you and get your mind off her. Not to get your wife back, but to allow you to move on.

You are being used and played. You MUST stop this or you are going to lose yourself. Your happiness is not dependent on her, you just think it is.
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