Am I crazy or is something going on - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Am I crazy or is something going on

I just found out that my neighbor (Stay-at-home mom about 25) and my husband (39) have been messaging each other every other day for the past 6 months. He gave me his cell to forward pictures from our son's birthday to myself, that's when I stumbled across them when as I was searching for the pictures in messenger. I knew they talked and messaged from time to time (I talk to her occasionally too) but I didnít know it was so frequent. My husband works odd days, and often has a day off in the middle of the week. I work full-time Mon.- Fri. I was instantly hurt when I saw the messages because I have always sensed that she had a little crush on him, and I know she would come over to our yard with her kids and talk to him because she is lonely during the week. I have asked my husband a couple times how much he talks her, and he would say he hardly ever talks to/or seeís her. When I pushed further (because my gut told me something was wrong) he admitted that she has come into our house to workout with him when I was at work. He denied she had ever come over at first. He told me he didnít want me to know because I would freak out. And I did! I was upset. We had a huge fight. Heís at a hotel tonight. I told him if he had not hid that he talks to her all the time, or that she came over to hang out when when I'm gone, I would not be upset. But finding out this way made me think they were hiding something. I still think they might be, but he denies it. He says Iím crazy and pshycho. He is very angry with me.
I need to add that 2 summers ago we separated because we fought all the time. The very same day he moved out he asked one of his female coworkers to come to his new apartment and sleep with him. They did not end up sleeping together because she wanted to wait until we were divorced. I was devastated when I found but, but because we were separated at the time I let it go. I THOUGHT I moved on. We ended up reconciling after the summer and we had a much better marriage and and in love the last 2 years Ė until now. Apparently Iím a crazy jealous wife. I've been crying for two days. I go back and forth as to whether they are having an emotional (or more) affair or not. Please advise if Iím overreacting or should be worried.

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

Your husband has been having at least an emotional affair, if not more.


Is this neighbor woman married?

What were the texts like? Was there any sexual innuendo or content?
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

Not crazy. Time to do some digging.
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

You have every right to be concerned. Him insulting you that you are crazy is called gas lighting around here and DARVO as well. It is an emotional affair pretty much, maybe has turned physical by now, but you don't have proof.

You two need to talk and seek counseling. The neighbor needs to go. If she is married, her husband needs to know what is going on behind his back. If she is single, she is after your husband.

Your husband is weak. As soon as he left you that summer ago, he brought another woman into the mix. He needs to end one relationship before starting another. He doesn't want to feel alone and automatically changes partners from one day to the next pretty much. Where is his love for his wife, even if separated? My guess is that you thought you were on a cooling off period and not separating to seek others right?

You have many issues to discuss, hopefully with a good counselor.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

You are not over reacting. Sadly.

You could have done more digging, and all that stuff, but I think you did what is right.

Be well, somehow.

Jealousy is a valid emotion, and perfectly normal and acceptable. Anyone who attempts to invalidate it is wrong. Any emotion if taken to extremes is a problem, of course. Note that a person can love too much, also. Such as some fans of a movie star, and some ex spouses. It does not sound like you were wrong to be jealous.

Your jealousy is perfectly valid. Your anger makes sense.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

She is married and her husband is at work during the week. I was only able to look at the messages for a couple minutes before he snatched the phone from me and deleted them. They mostly send each other jokes, videos, talk about their pasts, their goals, his job, she asked some questions about our marriage but I was unable to see his reply.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

You are in the right, and your husband is a cheater.

They all say they wouldn't/didn't do this/that. Yes, they did.
She came over to "work out" with him while you're at work? Yeah, I'll bet it was quite a workout. And you didn't know about it because he rightly thought you'd be crazy if you knew? Lol, as well you should be.

He's a cheating *******.
I'm sorry.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:54 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

I just saw you said he snatched and deleted messages immediately. Tells you all you need to know. Too bad you couldn't look in his deleted pics file.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:07 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

If you were acting out of control, he'd be empathetic and try to understand your side and talk you down cause you are being so silly. Being mad at you and calling you a psycho is him trying to gaslight you. He is a liar and a cheat and you should consider your options.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:14 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

And, in my opinion, if he loved you and nothing was wrong he would have made sure you kept the phone in your hands and got to see every message and everything and anything else on it.

I certainly never keep anything on my phone secret from my wife. She reads everything on it any time she happens to feel like it. I would never try to take it from her.

The fact he took it from you is proof enough he was doing something very wrong, which he needed to hide from you. You do not need to see what he deleted. The mere fact he deleted something means there was something which needed to be deleted. That's proof enough.

Please be well.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

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If you were acting out of control, he'd be empathetic and try to understand your side and talk you down cause you are being so silly. Being mad at you and calling you a psycho is him trying to gaslight you. He is a liar and a cheat and you should consider your options.

Thank you for your validation. I asked him if he cared about my feelings and nothing was going on, why he is so angry with me for the questions? His anger is upsetting me, hence why he is in a hotel.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

Time to get copies of all his text messages. Call your cell carrier. I'm so sorry, your gut is right honey.

Ciao,

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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

Lonely female ( I'd say it the other way if the genders were reversed) comes over to your house and your husband lied about it. Also, he completely underrepresented their contact. Nope, trust your gut not him.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

IF you cannot get copies of the texts, look at the phone bill. It will show how many times they texted and talked. And it will show the length of the calls. Married men do not communicate as much as you say with the neighbor's wife. That's a huge no-no.

Make a copy of your phone bills and show them to her husband. Let him know that his wife hangs out in your home when the two of you are at work.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 11:49 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or is something going on

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IF you cannot get copies of the texts, look at the phone bill. It will show how many times they texted and talked. And it will show the length of the calls. Married men do not communicate as much as you say with the neighbor's wife. That's a huge no-no.

Make a copy of your phone bills and show them to her husband. Let him know that his wife hangs out in your home when the two of you are at work.
That's s called exposure. It helps end the affair if there was one. Please get the phone records and also what you were able to get out of your husband so you can let other woman`s husband know what your spouse and his were doing behind you guys back. When you feel calmer, please try to talk to your husband and if you want to save this marriage, counseling is a must. If he agrees to work things out, he needs to make you feel safe by giving you all passwords to his social media, devices and probably emails as well.

Others will give you excellent advice on what books would be a great read to help you move forward. Not just friends is a very good book that I think will help you and your husband understand what affairs look like. Love busters and five love languages are two others.

Keep us posted, and stay calm so that you can figure out more clearly how to proceed after exposure and talking calmlyrics with your spouse. Read about gas lighting and DARVO so you are better prepared when negotiation time comes. Your husband has some serious emotional growing up to do!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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