Jbear

You are asking for help you have opened your eyes and have decided to change!!! That is the first step, and you have done it... another step starting to openly communicate with your partner whole heartily and she has opened her eyes and her heart.

You dont place blame elsewhere... you want to do what is best for your family... Dont give up.... it will be hard you can do it.

Love and family is worth it!!!

BadHubby

Thank you, that's very nice and encouraging!

I've really effed up. it would be easy to walk away, but that would mean giving up everything i ever loved and cared for.

diwali123

I'd say get right with God. I'm not catholic but I imagine they've heard it all and nothing shocks them. That's what they're there for.
Personally I think she's upset about the way he treated her although I have to wonder why people expect these situations to turn out well. I'm not sure she was expecting to end up with him but the rejection probably hurt. Ok so now you've both been with other people, you've both done things that weren't right.
Now it's time to move forward. If you end up screaming at each other in MC, the counselor isn't right for you.
You don't always fit with the first person you see. It could be this C was just not good at dealing with really high conflict partners. They should have taken control of the sessions and not allowed that to happen.
She needs spiritual help. Im no longer a Christian but damn...thinking this is unforgivable is so counter to everything we learn in Sunday school!
Maybe she could go to IC with someone who is a catholic so she can combine the spiritual and emotional aspects of it.
And honestly I think you both are responsible for the 3somes. No one forced her to do this. I just don't know why her expectations were so high. The guy probably got tired of you being around and wanted to just be with a woman. Also do you know for sure that was his reason or is that just what she told you? Could be he wanted to meet her alone and she said no so he blew it off.
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Jellybeans

This thread is from January.

Carol/BC

Well, I gotta tell you... I'm seeing an awful lot of good here. You guys have stuck it out for 16 years, you have an active sex life and are willing to explore extreme scenarios together, and you are actively parenting. I actually applaud the kinky sex - it's healthier -- in my book -- than stuffing it away.

It seems to me that the issues that keep tripping you up are more opaque... what's the source of the anger that keeps floating to the top? You may attribute it to moodiness, but that's not the source. There's gunk at the bottom of the well in each of you - dig that out and you've got a chance at a new relationship. You both may need to learn new skills - how to fight fair, using "I" statements, all the usual stuff - but that's easy. Looking inside is the tough stuff.

Honest, you guys are so connected, you need to work on yourselves so you can make it work. (here's the litmus test: the opposite of love is indifference. Do you feel indifferent?) You've got a kid, and she'll benefit from your stability. She'll also feel the vibe in the house change as you two work it out. Years from now, she'll say, "my mom and dad used to fight all the time - and they still have issues - but they learned to work it out." Your passion is your asset. Use it to find out what's going on inside (and no fair fixing the other guy! only yourself).

southern wife

Yet, it continues. The OP is long gone.

Carol/BC

I hate it when that happens.

endlessgrief

Too lazy to look through all 4 pages so I will ask my question anyway.

I have always wondered why a man would get off by watching another man screw his wife. what is in it for you? Why don't you get jealous? Do you ever join in (no crossing swords of course). I am not being snide, I really want to know!!!!!

As to your situation, it sounds like you have ripped every little bit of self esteem and trust she had in you. After all this time, you are waking up, but she is still holding tons of regret and anger against you. Any woman would. Any man would.

Another question: it seemed you loved running around and doing your own thing knowing she would always be there. Are you just panicking because now the future may not be so clear? If she forgives you and you guys live on as a married couple, will you get bored? Are you sure the desire to cheat won't raise its ugly head again?

You need to work on yourself before you can work with her. You need to find out WHY you did what you did. Self reflection is so important. Maybe once you know why you did what you did, it will help to clear your mind. If she sees that you are working on yourself (counseling) to get better, she may soften. Marriage counseling is not good right now because she is still too filled with rage and betrayal. Actions speak louder than words. Become a better man and I am sure she will notice.

I am glad you had to guts to spill your story here. We certainly don't hate you, but it sounds like you hate yourself. But someday you are going to have to forgive yourself and work on improvement. If she decides she doesn't want to be married to you anymore, that is going to hurt like hell, but with the counseling, you can sort of get ready for it emotionally so you will know how to handle it.

Hang in there my friend.