Hello everybody. I have nowhere else to turn, I am hoping someone is nice enough to read my long post and offer some honest advice beyond calling me names or insulting me, or telling me to just leave her.
Ill try to keep this short where possible, feel free to ask for additional details on any particular part.
We are together 16yrs. Married almost 4yrs, we have a 3yr old daughter. She has had 1 boyfriend before me when she was young.
I have cheated on her, I honestly cant remember how long ago, or how many times (maybe 3), or even why ... but she knows about them all. I think it might have been 10-12 years ago. It took a lot of begging and convincing her I really did love her, and acted stupidly on an opportunity that fell in my lap. She obviously stayed with me.
I went through a "clubbing" phase which she hated. I also did drugs which she hated, but eventually grew out of it all. It was a rough few years while i was pulling away from her to go club hopping .. i always felt like she was holding me down, she always felt like i was pulling us apart.
We went to counseling at one point because we argued so much and so fiercely. The counseling did not help .. by the end of our one hour we were both so enraged and wanted to strangle each other in the parking lot!
The doctor told her due to medical conditions, she would never be able to have children. This tore her heart apart and she wanted to leave me ... she felt like less of a woman, and felt i deserved more. But i insisted I wanted her and loved her, and it doesn't matter what the Dr says we can still try! A few years later she was pregnant
We were together for around 12yrs at this point and knew even though we had our issues, we weren't going anywhere. So we decided lets raise our baby right and get married! There was no denying we loved each other.
The wedding process was a nightmare .. she seemed to literally not want to be marrying me! She was so afraid of change, or just afraid to be marrying a f*ckup like me ... right up to the very last day we had to mail out the invites, I had to nearly force her and follow her to the mailbox. For weeks we had talked about calling it off, even after the invites were sent.
Now here is where i will lose you, and where i quite possibly have lost her. About 10yrs ago i opened up to her about a fantasy i had. It turned me on thinking about her with another man .. in front of me. She heard me out, and basically called me crazy or whatever. Over the next few years id bring it up sometimes ... until progressing to bring it into the bedroom.
We would exchange all the right dirty talk, use the proper toys to simulate the scenario, etc. You get the picture. This goes on for some time.
One day im looking over her shoulder and see she is chatting with her ex-boyfriend from before us. It turns out it was sexual in nature, and they were discussing meeting up. I confronted her and she swears nothing has happened, but she just enjoyed the "attention" from him. The thought that someone still wanted her after all that time made her feel good. She said she has made plans in the past to meet up and she always blows him off, she just takes it that far to pull him deeper into the conversation at that time. I don't doubt her, we discussed it enough that she convinced me she wasn't lying.
However soon after, my wheels start turning. Why dont we combine our little fantasies and see how it is! So she starts sex-chatting with him right in front of me. It was very hot, and drove me wild. This went on for about 2 months ... until he called her bluff and agreed to come over immediately.
Again ill shorten this but can offer more details if you need them .. bottom line, she slept with him in front of me, 8 or 9 times. He eventually blew her off and treated her pretty badly, and we ended the entire thing.
She has since told me she only did it because i pushed so hard. She also told me now she cannot get communion in church because she broke her marriage vows. She also doesn't want to do confession, for the obvious reasons.
Which leads me to why I am here ... I believe she HATES me! She is holding so much resentment from all the years of BS i put her through. We fight SOOOO much! And our fights are like wars, every time. We try to keep our daughter from seeing it for the most part, but sometimes its tough.
The smallest little tiny thing will spark an argument, that turns into 6 days of nasty insults, and divorce threats from her.
I feel like i need to walk on eggshells constantly. I cant say a certain thing, in a certain tone .. i have to remember to do the dishes, put my laundry away, clean up after myself ... all normal stuff, but if i do forget it turns into something huge.
And then we can never argue about the one thing that started the argument .. we have to bring up 20 or 30 different things until i forget why we are even arguing, and which thing i have to apologize for.
The obvious reply to this would be to go to counseling .. but we have had such terrible experiences with it. Is there anything else?
I really love my wife, and i really love my daughter. It tears my heart to pieces knowing (not fearing, KNOWING) that some day my wife will leave, and take my daughter. She will claim me unfit, or unstable, and ill rarely see her. I believe this is certain .. and its killing me to live like this.