Can men tell me what happened here? - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
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post #151 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Hey

Just to respond @WorkingOnMe I look on a variety of different sites. The worst Catfish / nightmare I had was on Match so I think all dating sites are going to have good and bad. I work in the bridal industry and promise you - 1 in 5 of the brides I am fitting for her dress met the fiance on Tinder.

@NextTimeAround - yes he did have a small penis. Sex was good anyway but it was pretty small, well below average.

@MartinBeck- My first attraction to a man is his brain. If he's really educated and has a good job I tend to get interested. That's just as shallow maybe as looks, but then I feel like a big part of my ideal relationship is going to be talking about things and I want someone on my intellectual level. Actually looks are a very low priority for me. I don't mind a chubby guy or a guy who's not traditionally attractive as long as he is smart, funny, interesting and treats me nicely. Six packs / traditionally "handsome" men actually turn me off a bit. Celebrity crush? Mark Ruffalo! I love sex though, but I enjoy having it with someone I feel emotionally connected. I don't have a hard time admitting anything to myself For me, I regret this sex definitely because the emotional connection was falsified. Sex is an intimate experience, you know? You're meant to share it with someone you like, respect, admire. If you find out you were wrong on all those things it causes a feeling of Yuk. this is hard for a man to understand, but to put it in perspective, imagine you'd just shared an intimate kissing session with a gorgeous woman and then found out it was a dude. This is how women feel when the man turns out to be different in character /emotions to what we believed. We don't say "oh well, sex was great", we feel violated because the person was pretending to be something their not to trick us into giving something we would not have given if we had known

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post #152 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Starting to think maybe his marriage sucked and ended because he's a *********....

I've seen too many men who are players crying about their crazy mean ex's and how they can't see their kids, etc, when the reality is the ex was only reacting to piss poor treatment ( cheating, lying, neglect, and more) and the player has been "too busy" to spend regular time with the kids.
YES!!! Every single divorced man I've met claims that their ex is "bat**** crazy." There must be a lot of crazy women out there, yet they never seem crazy at all to me when I talk to them.

Must be necessary self-talk to keep their fragile egos from crumbling.
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post #153 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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So what do you do if a guy asks to use your bath room when he takes you home? Tell him to go down the street to the gas station?

Or tell him that your plumbing is all backed up and the floor is flooded? LOL
The only usable solution that I recall is for dating someone regularly who has a habit of asking to use your bathroom. That is, to make an example of using the bathroom while out and just before making the departure. If the guy doesn't use the restroom on his own, you could -- as discreetly as possible - ask him if he needs to use it, too.

This was a message board of very uptight, some of whom were determined "to not have sex" (which of course is not the same as "to remain a virgin) until they got married.
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post #154 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I think your indignation is a little disingenuous. You experienced a pump and dump on a hookup app. It's not like this was eharmony or similar. Tinder, Craigslist, AFF, you have to expect these sites to result in this. Sure, I'll admit that love can happen and people get married from hookups. But to get all hurt when it doesn't happen?


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post #155 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Disingenuous? As in...insincere?

Let me ask you something..if you had a daughter and she dated a man for a month, and he seemed like a great guy, got her flowers, did all the right things and treated her really well and then they had sex and he dumped her right after by text message saying he didn't want a relationship and she found him the next day with a dishonest profile lying about his age - would her being hurt be "disingenuous"?

I think it's honestly bizarre that some people think women should expect so little of men that lying / trickery to get sex under false pretences is fine. It's not fine. Sex is not a cup of coffee. That's the only person I slept with in a year, and now I have that memory forever and have to go and get tested for STDs.

Saying I somehow should have seen it coming because we met on Tinder is on the same lines of saying a woman in a short skirt deserves to get raped.

The truth is that sex is one of the most intimate and loving and personal acts that we can share with another person, and we have a right to know who we are sharing it with. It's a crime to lie about practically anything else - you can't falsely sell a car or even a bit of furniture, you can't change the terms you agreed on with an employee, you can't advertise anything unless it's truthful.

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a bit more from people. If my expectations were as low as yours I don't think I'd ever want to date again.
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post #156 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Possibly @Sophie55, you may be disappointed with yourself since you pride yourself on being selective and being a good selector.

I like Monday morning quarterbacking, perhaps, you could think of some of the red flags that you ignored while dating him.
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post #157 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Sure, I am disappointed with myself for that reason also.
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post #158 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Disingenuous? As in...insincere?

Let me ask you something..if you had a daughter and she dated a man for a month, and he seemed like a great guy, got her flowers, did all the right things and treated her really well and then they had sex and he dumped her right after by text message saying he didn't want a relationship and she found him the next day with a dishonest profile lying about his age - would her being hurt be "disingenuous"?

I think it's honestly bizarre that some people think women should expect so little of men that lying / trickery to get sex under false pretences is fine. It's not fine. Sex is not a cup of coffee. That's the only person I slept with in a year, and now I have that memory forever and have to go and get tested for STDs.

Saying I somehow should have seen it coming because we met on Tinder is on the same lines of saying a woman in a short skirt deserves to get raped.

The truth is that sex is one of the most intimate and loving and personal acts that we can share with another person, and we have a right to know who we are sharing it with. It's a crime to lie about practically anything else - you can't falsely sell a car or even a bit of furniture, you can't change the terms you agreed on with an employee, you can't advertise anything unless it's truthful.

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a bit more from people. If my expectations were as low as yours I don't think I'd ever want to date again.
I know exactly and 100% how you feel. Don't try to explain it too much, there will be some people who will try to justify this type of behavior and/or blame you for it. You won't be able to convince them that this type of behavior is wrong in any way.

Yes, if that happened I'd be mad at myself. This is what I was afraid of more than anything else when I was dating.

In fact, the guy I had a short relationship with before I met my current FI (on match), duped me as well. Just to give you an example on how men can do a lot of things, and players can come in various disguises. So this one guy I dated, totally had a plan to date someone just for the summer. He dated me from May until September and he planned it that way all along. On the surface, he did all the right things so I shouldn't have been upset that I didn't see it coming. But in fact, he did a few things that were red flags that I chose to ignore. He told me he loved me after 1 month, he kept bringing up marriage (like a carrot), he slipped things like "ah, this is what summer is for " (making out with a woman on a picturesque trail-and other comments like that- e.g. I won't break your heart...yet hahaha- people tell you who they are in conversation, they let it slip) etc. But more importantly, this guy had never had a long term relationship in his 40s and jumped from job to job. So it was on me. I didn't feel too bad only because by the time he dumped me I had decided I didn't think he was a good match, but I would have ended it a bit later, I was at a point where I had that realization. And he couldn't get it up at all, so I thought no way I can live like that all of my life. Sex was exceptionally bad, if we could even call that sex. Also, at that time, I said, a fling like that is what I needed also, I was tired of the one and done dates. But the guy totally lied, future faked and all the stuff that comes with it. He wanted to finally settle down blah blah blah all the BS. He was disingenuous and a neutral observer would have seen it from miles away.

I suggest your read a few dating books: You lost him at hello by Jess McCann for example.
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post #159 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

He is an *******. When I was dating, if a man spoke **** about the ex, I would not go out with him again.

Chalk him up as an ******* and move forward. Forget about him. Don't waste your energy on this guy.

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post #160 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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He is an *******. When I was dating, if a man spoke **** about the ex, I would not go out with him again.

Chalk him up as an ******* and move forward. Forget about him. Don't waste your energy on this guy.
That is one big red flag. I get suspicious of anyone who makes sweeping negative remarks about someone else, no matter what the relationship is / was.

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post #161 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Sure, I am disappointed with myself for that reason also.
Ok, so learn a lesson and move on. Stop playing the victim, I am not blaming you, but I am sure when you stop to think about there were some obvious signs you chose to ignore.

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post #162 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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YES!!! Every single divorced man I've met claims that their ex is "bat**** crazy." There must be a lot of crazy women out there, yet they never seem crazy at all to me when I talk to them.

Must be necessary self-talk to keep their fragile egos from crumbling.
Maybe that is because you weren't the target of their craziness? That is a pretty wide brush you have used to paint "every single divorced man" as having a crumbling fragile ego.
OTOH, it might also speak to the caliber of men you are meeting. As for me, yeah, personally I think my ex was bat-**** cray - she could have had ME but threw it all away for who knows what. I happen to think I am a gift from God any woman should be more than happy to have my attention. So for me, when someone rejects that I can only imagine that they have to be bat **** crazy. I am sure from her perspective I was the bat **** crazy one, since I could not conform to her expectations. Every person has their own perspective, perhaps a little empathy would change yours?

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post #163 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Oh, I hate this...too, in addition, also.

I feel so bad for you. However, you do not need pity. You need to get your per-spectacles on.

Were you violated? No, not at all.

Why? Only you and he knows anything about this incident.

He was polite, he was a gentlemen throughout the courtship. He wooed you properly, he made love to you properly.

The problem is you. Or so it seem, on the surface of your pride.

Actually, there is no 'problem' with you at all. You value yourself highly. Good for you. Keep it up.

Let's put your size 6.5 shoe on your "other" cute foot....

What if you were the one that decided that he is not the one for you? Initially, you thought he was perfect. His actions and words were fine.

But the chemistry fizzled. And, being an honorable and prideful women, you broke it off with him.

Did you use him? No, not at all. You gave the relationship a fair trial. You must do this, go through this.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .....................

Yes, you laid naked in bed with him. He touched everything and had his hands and mouth everywhere on you.
When you now stand naked in front of a full length mirror, is there anything missing, out of place, damaged, bruised?

No, you are the same beautiful lady. And now you have a memory that cannot be replaced by a fantasy. You enjoyed your short time with him.
Relish the good part of it. There is no real downside...other then you still have residual feelings for him. If you did not have feelings for him you would not have slept with him.

Do not stop being intimate with men. Continue with your discriminate actions. Get close to 'only' those men who meet your standards. Same as before.

You think you have lost something...I dare say you have won something....In your twilight years, this incident will make you smile. Some warm feeling will still re-kindle.

Luv ya Dear...best of luck...good hunting!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #164 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Maybe that is because you weren't the target of their craziness? That is a pretty wide brush you have used to paint "every single divorced man" as having a crumbling fragile ego.
OTOH, it might also speak to the caliber of men you are meeting. As for me, yeah, personally I think my ex was bat-**** cray - she could have had ME but threw it all away for who knows what. I happen to think I am a gift from God any woman should be more than happy to have my attention. So for me, when someone rejects that I can only imagine that they have to be bat **** crazy. I am sure from her perspective I was the bat **** crazy one, since I could not conform to her expectations. Every person has their own perspective, perhaps a little empathy would change yours?
My husband hears it too from guys we thought split amicably. Sorry, no compassion here for blaming their D on the mother of their children, who apparently "went crazy."

Granted, we don't hang around tons of divorced men, but the ones we do know or meet and talk to long enough to say "sorry to hear..." ends up in a diatribe of how "crazy" the ex is.

I do have empathy for people who got the wrong end of the stick or married the wrong person, and I certainly have empathy for the children involved. But I wish more people could own up to it and say "yeah, we both made mistakes and I'm committed to learning from them."

I think married or not, if you're not learning, you're not moving forward.
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post #165 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Assuming he's not married and got cold feet about stepping into an affair, my first instinct is that he is still scarred and is scared to death about relationships and he liked you so much that it scared him away.

That said, telling you so in a text instead of face to face tells you all you need to know about him.
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