Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
This scares a ton of strong men, not just weak and possibly abused ones. I was in line with Cooper's assessment and more so now. He told you all of this before sex right? I know some are going to push the cheater and player angle, but I could see fear driving him away. I mean some of the other examples, I'm not saying they are wrong, come from posters own personal past experiences. Our past colors who we are and sometimes it steers us in the wrong direction.
No, this was the post-sex conversation. I knew he'd been unhappily married, but I am dating 40 year old men and they were ALL unhappily married right?!! or most.
I do ask for relationship history early on and his story was: married out of college, divorced after 15 years, he was unhappy in the marriage and in the two years since the divorce he had dated a few women and had two serious relationships. to me that sounded relatively rounded.
What he divulged after the sex was much more intimate, details of an ex wife who was diagnosed with borderline personality. He's a doctor, so that's not an armchair diagnosis. Him being afraid to come home and parking his car around the corner on his way home wishing he didn't have to go back there because all she did was attack him. Her demanding to see his phone and track his every move. Him hating her but not knowing what to do and eventually running away. What came across as weak, wasn't his fears, but his reaction to those. He didn't sound like a guy who stood up for himself or what was right. I was surprised by how little effort he seemed to put into seeing his children, as his fear of the ex wife seemed more prevalent than his desire to be a father.
He has a son with ASD, and so do I. I felt quite sad for his son, with a father who doesn't see him and a BPD mother he really needs his father to fight for him and protect him. I guess to me that sounded like weakness of character.
In terms of the "relationships" he had described having since then, something was also a bit off. He gave reasons for the breakups that didn't follow logically. Like "well she wanted to buy a house and w couldn't agree on what to buy so I left". I said to him at the time, "well if you're in love you work that stuff out, sounds like you weren't that attached" and he said he wasn't. He said actually he didn't think he'd ever actually genuinely been properly in love and he mentioned feeling that relationships were traps and he didn't like being needed.
All this came after sex, but he was being so open with me and so unguarded that it actually warmed me to him.
He seemed genuinely upset, like you could see he was getting animated talking about it. I did think at the time that sounded bad, but I am a very warm and calm person and as a young widow, I know all about pain and grief and seeing it in others kind of makes me feel more interested in knowing them.
I remember just thinking we'd be a great match. I am strong and independent and very caring and loving and I felt he needed that. He was very gentle and kind and intelligent and I need that. We have similar children. We have similar careers and levels of education. We laughed a lot at the same stuff and we're both pretty childish - we were playing such fun games.
Overall I feel we both missed out!