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post #16 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

The still married thing did occur to me but I don't think so as he invited me to his house.

I do think he had some issues, was clear from the way he was talking that his view of relationships is not necessarily positive; whereas mine is very positive so there was a mismatch there.

What I suppose made me feel so bad was the element of rejection. Nobody likes that feeling.

I can understand men want the sex and all that, and I know in this case his physical attraction was very high and he was eagerly anticipating sleeping with me, but we all want to feel like there's more to us, and this made me feel very cheap.

I could almost understand having a few drinks and ending up in bed together and realising it was a mistake and getting the heck out of there, but the part where I felt we bonded mentally and emotionally hurt me actually quite a lot. You don't expect a guy to bring the flowers and look so nervous and hold your hand and talk to you all night about hopes and dreams and the past and future if it's a "hit and run".

I think I just truly believed it was something.

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post #17 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

From what I have heard, that describes a player exactly. That's exactly how they operate.

You need to expect it.
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post #18 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Without reading other replies (yet), my guess is that he's being honest, and just isn't ready.

You mentioned he discussed his previous marriage and still seemed upset and angry about it. That's all you need to know about that. 4th date, and he's talking angrily about his ex-wife. Ouch.

The other likelihood is that he is/was looking to have a pretty casual relationship - but doesn't quite know how to go about it. Hence the "dating". He got home that day, and realized that he was well on his way to an actual relationship.

I wouldn't say that he was only looking to get laid, but that's a possibility, too. And perhaps he thought he was going about it the 'right' way (without being a player or a dog) because that's the only way he knows how.

But when that happened, and he had a little time to reflect, he may have thought "oh ****, I've just started an actual relationship here".

Honestly, it sucks for you, but it is what it is. At the very least, it sounds like he treated you well, and you had a few good dates. I can see how you would feel taken advantage of or a little violated, but I don't get the impression that was his goal - just to bed you.

At the end of the day, consider it a blessing. I wouldn't want to date someone who was still vocally angry at their ex partner. That implies they still have feelings of some sort for them. I was angry at my ex wife for a long time, but I never once let it seep into my relationship with my now-wife. I never talked about her, discussed her in any way. She was a non-entity in my relationship.
That sounds the most likely scenario so far. Thank you. It did feel, to be honest, like we started a relationship that night and for me that felt wonderful / exciting and for him obviously the opposite.

As someone said earlier, I guess if someone is a player and has great sex they want to at least keep having it until something new comes along.
I do think the sex was crazily good and from his response and the ability at age 41 to have in 9 times in 12 hours he obviously enjoyed it too - but in this case instead of wanting more after putting in all the ground work, he ran for the hills because it felt too much like a relationship.
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post #19 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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His past relationship history, which he actually divulged in full that night, is pretty sad. He married his first girlfriend right out of college and ended up trapped for 16 years in a marriage with someone who sounded like a really bad bully. This guy came across as very weak / not assertive, and what he described to me sounded like pretty high level emotional abuse. He still seemed very shaken and he is only two years out from that divorce that cost him 80% of his assets and she now won't let him see his young children. Actually the day he left here he was going to see his children for the first time in months because she was obstructing contact. He did seem honestly really upset and he mentioned that he was worried about feeling "trapped" or "controlled" again so maybe it is easier for him to feel safety in freedom and without attachment to anyone who can potentially harm him that way again.
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This scares a ton of strong men, not just weak and possibly abused ones. I was in line with Cooper's assessment and more so now. He told you all of this before sex right? I know some are going to push the cheater and player angle, but I could see fear driving him away. I mean some of the other examples, I'm not saying they are wrong, come from posters own personal past experiences. Our past colors who we are and sometimes it steers us in the wrong direction.
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post #20 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Being honest, I'd gone a long time without sex or affection (I am quite selective with dating and also afraid of being hurt or used) and I'd had some wine and it felt right. My gut was wrong on this one because at no point did I anticipate any possibility of this happening with this particular man.
@Sophie55, I think everyone here can appreciate your honesty and I find you to be very mature. I will point out though, that inviting a man to your house is a bro code word for sex. Many, many women do not understand this. I hope the TAM men will back me up. In any case, you should be wary of this as you date on the future. No man was allowed near my home until we had a very solidified level of trust. You need to be more conscious of your safety.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #21 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

By the way, a husband of a cousin of mine preyed on Mary in a very similar way once. It's what they do.

Charm, smooth talker, pushes all the sympathy buttons, long talks, lots of kissing, from what I heard. Mary is a special snowflake so what do I know, but hey, that was long ago.

Expect it.
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post #22 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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When I was dating I thought 3 months was ridiculous. I thought waiting 3 dates was unreasonable. But I am a man and I was genuinely looking for a relationship, a permanent relationship.

It did not dawn on me a woman might not be looking for the same, so I saw no reason to wait. I don't think I ever met a woman who wasn't looking for a permanent relationship. Yeah, I'm sure there's some out there, whatever.

I'm a lot older now. I've realized men are terrible. You have to do something to weed out the players. It's too bad you have to give up your freedoms and fun to do that.

Good luck.

Thanks William. Honestly, if I had the choice, I prefer to have sex early. I think it's more natural to just go with what feels right and because it's a HUGE part of the relationship I also want to establish that it works before I get to know someone. Unfortunately - you're right. Facts are you do need to weed out the wheat from the chaff a little and waiting a while before sex makes sense.

I can't say I want a relationship, I just want a relationship with the right guy. I want it all to feel right, to work for me and make my life better and be fun and exciting and it's not that easy to find. If men wanted to have sex but ALSO get to know you, that would be awesome, but I wonder if the online dating culture has made that impossible. Sometimes they are just so spoiled for choice they are looking for the next, best thing the entire time and they could meet the absolute perfect woman but don't take the time to get to know her.

I dislike playing games, and with-holding sex always felt like that to me. Maybe I need to change and wise-up
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post #23 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

For the major majority of men, It's Bro Code for "there might be a chance, don't screw it up."
For those terrible men you alluded to when you said "safety" it is 100% sex whether you want to or not.
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post #24 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:03 AM
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Can men tell me what happened here?

I guess when I say wanted a relationship, I meant open to the possibility. Or at least not at a point where I knew I didn't want to pursue a long term relationship.

Like that.
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post #25 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Making a man wait 3 months doesn't put you in the marriage box, it puts you in the gate keeper / game player box. That's why good men dropped like flies.


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post #26 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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This scares a ton of strong men, not just weak and possibly abused ones. I was in line with Cooper's assessment and more so now. He told you all of this before sex right? I know some are going to push the cheater and player angle, but I could see fear driving him away. I mean some of the other examples, I'm not saying they are wrong, come from posters own personal past experiences. Our past colors who we are and sometimes it steers us in the wrong direction.
No, this was the post-sex conversation. I knew he'd been unhappily married, but I am dating 40 year old men and they were ALL unhappily married right?!! or most.

I do ask for relationship history early on and his story was: married out of college, divorced after 15 years, he was unhappy in the marriage and in the two years since the divorce he had dated a few women and had two serious relationships. to me that sounded relatively rounded.

What he divulged after the sex was much more intimate, details of an ex wife who was diagnosed with borderline personality. He's a doctor, so that's not an armchair diagnosis. Him being afraid to come home and parking his car around the corner on his way home wishing he didn't have to go back there because all she did was attack him. Her demanding to see his phone and track his every move. Him hating her but not knowing what to do and eventually running away. What came across as weak, wasn't his fears, but his reaction to those. He didn't sound like a guy who stood up for himself or what was right. I was surprised by how little effort he seemed to put into seeing his children, as his fear of the ex wife seemed more prevalent than his desire to be a father.

He has a son with ASD, and so do I. I felt quite sad for his son, with a father who doesn't see him and a BPD mother he really needs his father to fight for him and protect him. I guess to me that sounded like weakness of character.

In terms of the "relationships" he had described having since then, something was also a bit off. He gave reasons for the breakups that didn't follow logically. Like "well she wanted to buy a house and w couldn't agree on what to buy so I left". I said to him at the time, "well if you're in love you work that stuff out, sounds like you weren't that attached" and he said he wasn't. He said actually he didn't think he'd ever actually genuinely been properly in love and he mentioned feeling that relationships were traps and he didn't like being needed.

All this came after sex, but he was being so open with me and so unguarded that it actually warmed me to him.

He seemed genuinely upset, like you could see he was getting animated talking about it. I did think at the time that sounded bad, but I am a very warm and calm person and as a young widow, I know all about pain and grief and seeing it in others kind of makes me feel more interested in knowing them.

I remember just thinking we'd be a great match. I am strong and independent and very caring and loving and I felt he needed that. He was very gentle and kind and intelligent and I need that. We have similar children. We have similar careers and levels of education. We laughed a lot at the same stuff and we're both pretty childish - we were playing such fun games.

Overall I feel we both missed out!
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post #27 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

It really appears to me the man is jaded from his first disaster of a marriage. He is not ready to try again. In other words, the man has enough on his plate with xw and children he is not able to see that adding in Sophie to the debacle is not fair to her. In short, he will not be in the relationship 100% because of the noise he is hearing all day from xw. He did state he could give Sophie the relationship she deserves.

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post #28 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

It is either he was a player or he was genuine about being hurt. I have been the hurt guy and freaked out when things felt too serious quickly and bolted. It's really hard to know which it is. I am going with the hurt guy though based on a few details of your story but it doesn't matter it ended the same .

This unfortunately is just a part of dating. More disappointments than successes. Don't let one bad experience change who or what you are. Throwing an arbitrary number on how long to wait for sex may just push away good guys as well. Sorry no easy answers. Men go through this stuff as well. Dating is not for the feint of heart
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post #29 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Three months, filled with getting to know each other, going out on fun dates, meals, etc? Yeah, I could see that as being a good idea.
I could see it as a deal breaker. I think sex is crucial to a romantic relationship and have zero desire to become emotionally attached to someone before I know we're sexually compatible. Not to mention, I'd interpret no sex for a month or more as a serious lack of real interest/attraction.

Casual dating? Whatever. Looking for serious? I want to know we are compatible ASAP. If we aren't, I want move on and continue the search.

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Oh. Likely scenario, he mentioned to his abusive bully ex that he was seeing someone and she said: "Drop her, or you'll never see your children again."

So he did what he was told.
If he's too much of a puss or too disinterested to enforce his parental rights, she made a lucky escape.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #30 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

@Satya - I'll back you up. If I invite a woman to my house or go to her house I pretty much know we're going to sleep together because the environment is setup for that to happen.

Sophie, I want to present another idea. Maybe it was you that were not reading him correctly and that scared him off. A lot of guys are not comfortable when a woman is thinking that it is a developing relationship after only 4 dates, even if there was sex involved. Even if you didn't directly say it, there is usually a lot of non-verbal cues that indicate that one person is wanting to develop things faster than the other person is comfortable with. A better long term strategy with guys that are slow movers would have been to just hang out and have fun with him and see if something developed, without having any expectations of your own. Personally, it takes me at least 6 months of dating to decide if I want to move beyond casual with a woman. However, if during that 6 months the woman is pushing hard for a relationship and it's obvious we aren't moving at the same speed I will stop seeing her and find someone else that is more in sync with my relationship speed.

Last edited by Bananapeel; 05-19-2017 at 11:56 AM.
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