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post #31 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I could see it as a deal breaker. I think sex is crucial to a romantic relationship and have zero desire to become emotionally attached to someone before I know we're sexually compatible. Not to mention, I'd interpret no sex for a month or more as a serious lack of real interest/attraction.

Casual dating? Whatever. Looking for serious? I want to know we are compatible ASAP. If we aren't, I want move on and continue the search.
My BIL who is divorced and dating said after the 3rd date if nothing sexually is happening he moves on. Hmmmm....maybe why he is single.


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post #32 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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It really appears to me the man is jaded from his first disaster of a marriage. He is not ready to try again. In other words, the man has enough on his plate with xw and children he is not able to see that adding in Sophie to the debacle is not fair to her. In short, he will not be in the relationship 100% because of the noise he is hearing all day from xw. He did state he could give Sophie the relationship she deserves.
I'd like to think that was true.

One thing we talked about that night was me. My family, my life, my son. He probably got more of a glimpse into who I am and he saw photos of me, my life and saw me as a human being.

I also talked to him a lot about the death of my husband 4 years ago, and during that conversation he was holding my hand and it wasn't easy for me to share / open up on that level but it felt right and I felt like he really cared.

This made me feel even more bad about the dumping, but i'd like to think he felt I deserved better, rather than that he sat through all that and didn't like me!!!
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post #33 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Outline dating is really skeptical. You'll run into lots of players. I think you let the relationship get physical and progress way too fast. If you decide to continue outline dating, slow things way down even if things seem to be going real good. The players will get bored and move on, leaving you those who are legitimately interested in you.

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post #34 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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It is either he was a player or he was genuine about being hurt. I have been the hurt guy and freaked out when things felt too serious quickly and bolted. It's really hard to know which it is. I am going with the hurt guy though based on a few details of your story but it doesn't matter it ended the same .

This unfortunately is just a part of dating. More disappointments than successes. Don't let one bad experience change who or what you are. Throwing an arbitrary number on how long to wait for sex may just push away good guys as well. Sorry no easy answers. Men go through this stuff as well. Dating is not for the feint of heart

The part I was more worried about was that at there was something wrong with me / being with me wasn't as nice as his imagination said it would be and it's knocked my confidence a bit!


If he's a player or scared of being hurt, I guess that's easier for me to live with because it doesn't feel quite as personal. Like I don't want to feel like the girl who was only worth sex once and you need a better one for a relationship.
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post #35 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Making a man wait 3 months doesn't put you in the marriage box, it puts you in the gate keeper / game player box. That's why good men dropped like flies.


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Gate keeper, I can agree with. Can you elaborate on the game playing? That I don't understand.

And I'll never know if they were good men in general, maybe they were, but they weren't good for me. This is what OP needs to be clear on with her own version of boundaries.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #36 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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The part I was more worried about was that at there was something wrong with me / being with me wasn't as nice as his imagination said it would be and it's knocked my confidence a bit!


If he's a player or scared of being hurt, I guess that's easier for me to live with because it doesn't feel quite as personal. Like I don't want to feel like the girl who was only worth sex once and you need a better one for a relationship.
Nah I have been with those who were essentially one night stands even though it was drawn out over a few dates, they don't play out this way. This is very very very unlikely about you and all about him.
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post #37 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Gate keeper, I can agree with. Can you elaborate on the game playing? That I don't understand.
I know you didn't ask me but I agree with his sentiment. To me placing a rule on when we have sex, whatever arbitrary number you come up with, screams controlling , manipulative, and using sex as a tool.

I am all for people moving slow or at their own pace just not hard and fast timelines imposed.
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post #38 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I know you didn't ask me but I agree with his sentiment. To me placing a rule on when we have sex, whatever arbitrary number you come up with, screams controlling , manipulative, and using sex as a tool.

I am all for people moving slow or at their own pace just not hard and fast timelines imposed.
OK, that helps. Thanks.

Perhaps my 3 month requirement I think of as less of a hard deadline and more of a guideline, for me. It's not like I'd say, "I won't have sex with you untili 3 months", rather I'd up front state that it takes me a while to feel ready and if at any time he thinks things are moving too slowly he can take his leave with no hard feelings and no further bother from me.

I was pretty crystal clear with every man I dated and they were independent and free to leave if it's not what they wanted. I had amazing fun during my dating experience overall and my dates appeared to as well.

I do not need to or want to control anyone, so personally I don't agree with the controlling part because that's simply not where I come from. However, I can see how it might be interpreted that way.

Eta: sorry to t/j, back to OP...

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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Last edited by Satya; 05-19-2017 at 08:44 AM.
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post #39 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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To me placing a rule on when we have sex, whatever arbitrary number you come up with, screams controlling , manipulative, and using sex as a tool.
this is how I have always felt, but now I don't know.

I never want to feel humiliated and used again, but also don't want to game play.

I try and have honest conversations with people but it is very difficult when they lie!
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post #40 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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My BIL who is divorced and dating said after the 3rd date if nothing sexually is happening he moves on. Hmmmm....maybe why he is single.
Being female it may be different. I don't think I've ever been on a 4th date without sex. I've had a total of 6 serious marriage proposals​ and 2 offers to live together in a marriage lite situation.

When DH and I had our first date we made out. 2nd date we got down to underthings. I was sexually frustrated and wondering WTF. If he hadn't put out on our 3rd date, I would have assumed he was either LD or just not into me and there wouldn't have been a 4th date or a marriage and family.

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I also talked to him a lot about the death of my husband 4 years ago
Some people don't want to "compete" with the memory of a deceased spouse.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #41 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I know women go through this kind of story a lot, but I like to think I am an intelligent woman (35) who runs a company and is a good judge of character (normally!). I get asked out a lot, but am really selective, trying to only choose men who seem compatible and also honest, kind and good people.

I met a man through online dating (41). We both have very busy careers and similar backgrounds / objectives so on paper this was a great match.

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well. He said many, many times how beautiful I was and how much he liked things about me (my confidence, fun nature, sweetness).

We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well with the first kiss and hand holding and he seemed very much besotted and I began to warm to him because he seemed very humble, kind and honest.

We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully. Lots of kissing and talking and feeling warm and happy.

Throughout this time, I'd say he was very attentive, consistent, kind, gentlemanly and seemed to have a lovely and caring disposition.

The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place (all I could manage with my schedule that day) and he arrived with flowers and wine and we had a really great evening. We properly talked over that night, revealed a lot about ourselves and out past (he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it) and I felt over that night we became really emotionally intimate.

We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed and it felt definitely like the start of a relationship.

Then he left and messaged me shortly afterwards to say he enjoyed the time he spent with me and thought the sex was amazing but he just could not "do" a relationship and he felt I deserved one.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about this, he definitely made out he was growing a relationship with me, so I am confused. if he didn't like me, why did he spend so much time on me, and if the sex was disappointing, why did he keep doing it?

I haven't been with a man for a year, due to being selective and wanting to meet someone right, and that night we had such a wonderful, close and intimate time and it felt very clear he was loving the time he was spending with me from his words and actions so I am very confused about why he suddenly doesn't want to see me again.

I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill when I think this person had that intimacy with me (emotionally and physically) and he treated me like I was invisible afterwards.

Why does a man behave like this?
Maybe he was genuine and was not ready and started to get scared or maybe he just wanted sex you may never know but I guess at least he messaged you and didn't just ignore you, not a reflection of you at all either way it is his issue.

I am ALMOST divorced and its not been as traumatic as his Marriage/Divorce sounded but the thought of jumping into a serious relationship and trusting someone again is pretty terrifying, I would be open to some light dating and just hanging out and having fun and some companionship but if it progressed too fast for me or I felt like the other person wanted more than that initially I think I would pull back also just to not hurt someone else..

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post #42 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Dating sure is harder than it used to be!
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post #43 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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That sounds the most likely scenario so far. Thank you. It did feel, to be honest, like we started a relationship that night and for me that felt wonderful / exciting and for him obviously the opposite.

As someone said earlier, I guess if someone is a player and has great sex they want to at least keep having it until something new comes along.
I do think the sex was crazily good and from his response and the ability at age 41 to have in 9 times in 12 hours he obviously enjoyed it too - but in this case instead of wanting more after putting in all the ground work, he ran for the hills because it felt too much like a relationship.
Yikes! Maybe he ran out of his years supply of Viagra!!
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post #44 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I'm a man, and as stated I thought sex on the second date was right back when I was dating. But I have to say I can't see how a woman wanting to wait can be interpreted as controlling.

She wants to control her own body, I suppose. I like to think if a girl I was interested in had said she would like to have sex but wanted to wait to make sure I wasn't playing games with her that I would have been fine with that.

I'm certain I would not have seen it as controlling.

It may have made her more intriguing. As long as she didn't say she just wasn't interested in sex.
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post #45 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I'm a man, and as stated I thought sex on the second date was right back when I was dating. But I have to say I can't see how a woman wanting to wait can be interpreted as controlling.

She wants to control her own body, I suppose. I like to think if a girl I was interested in had said she would like to have sex but wanted to wait to make sure I wasn't playing games with her that I would have been fine with that.

I'm certain I would not have seen it as controlling.

It may have made her more intriguing. As long as she didn't say she just wasn't interested in sex.
Controlling? I agree...not controlling. I would venture a guess some see sex as just sex. Others require an emotional connection before consideration of sex. The OP here had an emotional connection. My BIL dated one chick just one day and received oral after the date was done. She never returned. It was just sex or a thank you BJ. Who knows. I know this...I would not be looking for a second date from that chick. How many thank you's has she completed on all the previous dates before my BIL?

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